Trauma of one effecting all *trigger warning*

**trigger warning: sexual assault, rape*

Earlier this week Rachelle told my husband about her first memory, as well as how many people she's slept with. She had come out down and depressed and apparently just needed to get it off her chest. The voices in my head have gotten very clear as of late and I can actually discern who is who and I can hear Rachelle saying it's okay for me to tell all of you that her first memory was of being raped and sexually assaulted when the body (and her at the time) was six. Her words to my husband, as he says, was that was how she lost her virginity.

Her telling my husband has had a strong impact on all of us. It's like all of the alters were effected by it, Jessica cries though she doesn't know why, Theresa is even more depressed, Amelia more angry and isolating herself, and me...I spent two days crying. And then my husband told me how many people she slept with and I'm just completely numb right now. The only two who are less effected at Michael and Nadia, who just seem to be doing constant damage control.

Is this normal? Is there anything I can do to ease how this has effected everyone?

I'm mostly worried about Rachelle. She's no longer feisty and constantly flirting with my husband. She wrote that she doesn't want to come out anymore, but she's still forced to when I'm triggered by specific things (things related to rape or a sex thing that makes me uncomfortable). Sure I didn't enjoy constantly seeing porn playing on my computer, but I'd rather her be back to normal.

I don't have any experience with this, but I would say that when one is upset and there's good communication (i.e. dissociative walls are soft) a shocking experience would affect the rest in the system. You are still one person, but dissociated. Maybe it wasn't really shocking, but I would think such a thing certainly would bring a lot (hidden) emotion.

I don't have much advice, except for just calming down, doing grounding techniques, maybe some exercise etc.

This is a normal reaction to sharing such a memory with someone and opening up to someone about such a difficult thing to talk about. Sexual assault and rape are no small issues by any means, especially if the trauma isn't processed properly (which, for you, or any other parts of you, it hasn't been yet). By talking about it, what Rachelle has done is unintentionally reminded herself and the others that yes, this actually happened, and yes, this wound does exist and it hasn't healed yet. But don't start thinking that talking is bad! Talking about this stuff, acknowledging that yes it did happen, therapy, and trauma processing are all ways that will help all of you to heal and actually move on.

Whenever Luna or L.C. tries to talk about the sexual assault/rape they experienced, they both tend to become rather depressed for a while afterwards, and are even more adamant about their sexual preferences (L.C. being lesbian and Luna being asexual). Kat becomes extremely angry and irritable, mostly because she's angry at herself for having "failed" at protecting them/us. Cassandra loses pretty much all sex drive, and tends to withdraw from physical contact, as well as having no desire to hang out or be around any friends that are male. And others are affected in the system because they're affected by the changes in the others' behaviour and/or can sense that something's wrong.

Until this trauma is properly processed, all you can do right now is try your best to help all parts of yourself. Comfort them verbally (even if you don't know if they're listening), write comforting notes to them, hug yourself, do things that they enjoy, play music they like, play positive/upbeat music, eat some favorite comfort foods, watch funny/enjoyable movies, etc. Basically, "mother" all of yourself the best you can. Take time for all of you to do things that help you to calm down, relax, become more comfortable, and feel safe. Use positive distractions, like happy music, funny movies, etc., to help them to not focus on any negative emotions/thoughts. Keep yourselves busy and distracted when needed, but make sure you're also taking "you" time to rest and relax when needed as well. Remind yourself about positive things. Write a note/small list at the beginning of every day about things you like about yourself, or compliments people have given you before, or things you've accomplished (no matter how small), or things you're proud of, etc. Help yourself start the day on a positive note, essentially.

Definitely consider bringing this up and discussing this in therapy as well. If this memory is being shared, it might be time for it to be discussed and/or worked on in therapy.


~The Hawk

Thank you all for the kind words and help.

I know essentially this needs to be talked about in therapy. I know Rachelle feels really comfortable talking with my husband but he is not equippe3d to talk to us about it. So as far as therapy goes should I myself come out and tell the trauma or should I let Rachelle do that?

I have been encouraging Rachelle to speak with the therapist, once I meet her first and deem her appropriate. The poor thing threw out everything in her room - it was filled with distasteful sexual things.

I do believe speaking to someone impartial would help her. I've never been in this particular situation before, as Jo has never gone to a therapist who was appropriate enough for any of us to emerge. Aside from doing what I'm already doing - which is giving her kind words, support, and space as she needs it - what can I do to encourage her to discuss these problems with the therapist?

Thank you darlings, Nadia

wronglesson wrote:Thank you all for the kind words and help.

I know essentially this needs to be talked about in therapy. I know Rachelle feels really comfortable talking with my husband but he is not equippe3d to talk to us about it. So as far as therapy goes should I myself come out and tell the trauma or should I let Rachelle do that?

Ideally it would be best for Rachelle to talk about it, but since it's been affecting all of you, you're allowed to discuss it too, just perhaps be vague. Stuff like "A memory Rachelle talked about recently has been making me feel this way", and then you could always also talk to the therapist about whether or not you should wait for Rachelle. Personally, I think you should wait for Rachelle to talk about it since it's "her" memory and "her" trauma. SHE should be the one to talk about it.
BUT if it's too difficult for her or if she feels she's unable to, you might consider the idea of starting the bringing-it-up for her and then letting her continue/finish. Something like, "So, Rachelle said that when we were 6, something happened to her", so that it's not as hard for her to start out talking about it.
Another option you could consider is bringing your husband to an appointment to help Rachelle feel more comfortable talking about things. She could even only face the husband or something so that she feels like she's talking to him and not a therapist, if that would help.

wronglesson wrote:I have been encouraging Rachelle to speak with the therapist, once I meet her first and deem her appropriate. The poor thing threw out everything in her room - it was filled with distasteful sexual things.

I do believe speaking to someone impartial would help her. I've never been in this particular situation before, as Jo has never gone to a therapist who was appropriate enough for any of us to emerge. Aside from doing what I'm already doing - which is giving her kind words, support, and space as she needs it - what can I do to encourage her to discuss these problems with the therapist?

Thank you darlings, Nadia

The poor thing. Her actions remind me of L.C.'s (back when before she came to terms with being lesbian and was still trying to be at least a little straight by "being" bisexual). Every time something bad would happen with a guy, or every time she'd get reminded of bad memories with guys, she'd toss out everything sex related from her room (despite it being mostly girl/lesbian sex stuff), and she'd write about how she hated all guys and how she never wanted to do anything sexual ever again. But eventually, the pain would fade, the wound would attempt to scab over, and she'd return to her usual behaviour, repeating this process. (Now that she's been able to come to terms with being lesbian and knowing/accepting what SHE actually likes/wants, this process hasn't happened and she's been able to start exploring sexuality and sexual stuff healthily, which helps her to cope with her bad experiences and trauma until she can properly process it. Healing can start with healthy changes, not necessarily therapy or processing).

One thing you could tell Rachelle to help her feel more comfortable about talking to the therapist would be to tell her that they're like Jo's husband, only more able to help her instead of just listening and being there for her. Let her know that the therapist is there to help all of you, including her, and that they can help her to not only cope with this trauma better, but they can also help her to process, heal, and move on from this trauma.

I'm trying to think of more ideas for what you can tell her to help her feel more fomfortable, but I just wnet really fuzzy all of a sudden and can't come up with any. (This is a new experiece. Haven't been fuzzy much, and ahven't gone that fuzzy that fast before). So, yeah...sorry.

Hope things get better soon and that this therapist works out for you.


~The Hawk

I can't offer much help except do self-care, give yourself time to do things you like etc. It's very possible that the trauma talked about affecting everyone. It's hard to cope with, and it's (partially, at least) new information for you (as well as maybe some of the others?)? I'm thinking of you.. Hope you're doing a little better.

tomboy24 wrote:

wronglesson wrote:Thank you all for the kind words and help.

I know essentially this needs to be talked about in therapy. I know Rachelle feels really comfortable talking with my husband but he is not equippe3d to talk to us about it. So as far as therapy goes should I myself come out and tell the trauma or should I let Rachelle do that?

Ideally it would be best for Rachelle to talk about it, but since it's been affecting all of you, you're allowed to discuss it too, just perhaps be vague. Stuff like "A memory Rachelle talked about recently has been making me feel this way", and then you could always also talk to the therapist about whether or not you should wait for Rachelle. Personally, I think you should wait for Rachelle to talk about it since it's "her" memory and "her" trauma. SHE should be the one to talk about it.
BUT if it's too difficult for her or if she feels she's unable to, you might consider the idea of starting the bringing-it-up for her and then letting her continue/finish. Something like, "So, Rachelle said that when we were 6, something happened to her", so that it's not as hard for her to start out talking about it.
Another option you could consider is bringing your husband to an appointment to help Rachelle feel more comfortable talking about things. She could even only face the husband or something so that she feels like she's talking to him and not a therapist, if that would help.

Thank you, I will definitely try some of this. I'll probably start off really vague as while I like my new therapist I've only seen her a couple of times. I see her again on Tuesday. I really like the idea of my husband coming in once Nadia and I (though it will probably be mostly Nadia) encourage Rachelle to at least come out to meet the therapist, though it will be hard with his job.

tomboy24 wrote:

wronglesson wrote:I have been encouraging Rachelle to speak with the therapist, once I meet her first and deem her appropriate. The poor thing threw out everything in her room - it was filled with distasteful sexual things.

I do believe speaking to someone impartial would help her. I've never been in this particular situation before, as Jo has never gone to a therapist who was appropriate enough for any of us to emerge. Aside from doing what I'm already doing - which is giving her kind words, support, and space as she needs it - what can I do to encourage her to discuss these problems with the therapist?

Thank you darlings, Nadia

One thing you could tell Rachelle to help her feel more comfortable about talking to the therapist would be to tell her that they're like Jo's husband, only more able to help her instead of just listening and being there for her. Let her know that the therapist is there to help all of you, including her, and that they can help her to not only cope with this trauma better, but they can also help her to process, heal, and move on from this trauma.

I'm trying to think of more ideas for what you can tell her to help her feel more fomfortable, but I just wnet really fuzzy all of a sudden and can't come up with any. (This is a new experiece. Haven't been fuzzy much, and ahven't gone that fuzzy that fast before). So, yeah...sorry.

Hope things get better soon and that this therapist works out for you.


~The Hawk

Thank you, darling, I will begin telling her so right away. While I am doing that, I'm trying to also convince her to decorate her room again and teach her she doesn't have to stick to her former role, she can have anything she wants in her room. It's hard going, as other than us, Jo's husband is the only one who told her she didn't have to have sex with him and that they could just spend time together. I believe that is why she told him when the urge to speak out overcame her.

Of course, I will not allow Rachelle to meet with the therapist until I do so first, which I plan to do a small meeting with her on Tuesday.

Nadia

lifelongthing wrote:I can't offer much help except do self-care, give yourself time to do things you like etc. It's very possible that the trauma talked about affecting everyone. It's hard to cope with, and it's (partially, at least) new information for you (as well as maybe some of the others?)? I'm thinking of you.. Hope you're doing a little better.

Thank you. We have been attempting to do things we enjoy. Jessica even stopped crying and watched a cartoon on Friday. My husband has been mostly off since Friday so that's kind of my self-care, just cuddling with him and chatting.

Yes this was completely new information for me, though I don't know about the others for certain. Though Michael says he was aware of it. I had suspected I was sexually molested as a child, but never to the extent that it was actual assault and rape. It threw me into a whirlwind. I got mostly upset for Rachelle's sake, since it's her memory and she had to hold that trauma without telling anyone for all these years. I feel upset on both my and her behalf (seeing how she is a part of me).

But we are doing a little better. Even Amelia is finding new things to b!tch about, lol. Though she's still pissed off about it. I think it's going to take time, the longest for Rachelle, but I mean I'm hopeful. My psychiatrist said DID was a survival technique, so I guess that means we're survivors. I like calling myself that better than victim.

It threw me into a whirlwind.

I feel upset on both my and her behalf (seeing how she is a part of me)

Of course, that is perfectly reasonable.

so I guess that means we're survivors. I like calling myself that better than victim.

You are survivors - you're here and you're trying and you have a life for yourselves. You are a survivor.

- Emma & Nin

lifelongthing wrote:

so I guess that means we're survivors. I like calling myself that better than victim.

You are survivors - you're here and you're trying and you have a life for yourselves. You are a survivor.

- Emma & Nin

Thank you. You're completely right. I tell myself that but it seems more real hearing/reading someone else say that.

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