Staying safe from abusers?

This is kind of a hard post to write, it's been written and re-written as a drafts for days now, but I could really use some support in this and I'd love to hear what others have done.. **big trigger warning**

On the topic of still seeing your abuser. Is there anyone but us here who have experienced having a problem staying safe from them?

The short version:
It has been several years now since we left our abusers, but we've been tracked down many times - even though we've moved far away, changed our legal name several times, stopped contact with anyone who knew us by the old name(s) etc.

We were contacted by the police less than a week ago. The security measurements we have in place, because of some new laws, will probably be lost - which means moving (rather quickly) and probably changing our legal name again and such.

What have others done? How do you live with the continuous threat? How have you kept you and your system safe when the official systems (police, mental health, lawyers etc) won't?

I am so sorry you guys are having these problems While I have never had to deal with this situation I have had friends that are in a similar situation as yours, I can't really offer any advice here as I am sure you are quite familiar with all the steps you can take just know we are thinking of you ans wishing everything works out safely for you.

And if you need to talk you can always message one of us or message us on yahoo

Tara (BT)

Thank you very much for the kind words. It's really tiering, to be honest. But in time it'll be fine. It always is. But again, thank you very much. It helps having someone who's understanding at least

I am very sorry for you, that you have to go through this.

Maybe you know this already, maybe you tried this, maybe it's not possible, probably this is not useful at all, but still, what I thought... Those abusers are really sick people. How can they still walk around freely? I mean, aside from what they have done, which may or may not be proven, this is illegal. And another thing, have you found out how they have found you? I mean, that seems pretty hard to do.

It really sucks that official channels don't work. They are SUPPOSED to help in such situations.

They are walking around freely because I don't have the evidence to prove that what happened, has happened. We both don't want to and can't press charges. We have conferred with our lawyers - we don't really have a case as things are right now due to lack of evidence.

They have found me through manipulating the police, hacking my bank account, talking to people who used to know us, manipulating social services and finding loop holes in everything, as well as the very obvious loop holes in this country's handling of these things, in getting information - to mention a few.

They are supposed to, they have barely helped until now and now they won't be helping at all it seems. It's discouraging at best. But such is life and one will move on as best they can. But we'll never be naïve.

Thank you. I'm sure we will feel better when things have settled down a bit. Hopefully I get the final answers next week on what happens next as well

I take things into my own hands. I usually do that first. I'm not used there being any help to ask for.

Though we haven't experienced the problems you've discussed, I can tell you how I'd handle the situation if I was you. First of all, I'd give every single person who was supposed to be helping a piece of my f*#king mind. I'd ask the cops how this person can find me, and I'd blatantly ask why they seem to not care or attempt to help much. I'd ask everyone how they can find me- I'd call social services, my bank, the works. I'd let everyone know I was being stalked, and that I was in danger. That way, if anything happens to me, they'll either share the blame or they'll have to live with their guilt and shame. I'd let people of social services and such know that if anyone except for myself or who I've designated to have my info is looking for me to not give them anything, and if they do, they're risking putting me in danger. I'd get every restraint order possible done, and I'd talk to everyone I could about how to handle a stalker- lawyer, police, even a judge if possible, etc. And if the police aren't helpful, I'd go over their heads and write a letter to the top dog, and let them know that their officers aren't helpful.

And then I'd prepare myself. I would (and already do) carry a knife and bear-strength mace/pepper spray with me everywhere. I would sleep with either a knife, the mace, both, and/or anything else (like a metal bat or even a gun if I had one) near by the bed. I would get alarms for the house, locks for the windows and doors (including the bedroom doors inside the house), and I wouldn't leave windows or window shades open if I was in the same room (least not for long). If I couldn't afford actual alarms and locks, I'd probably end up making my own booby traps or something (not kidding). Such as putting a lot of things to trip over under all the windows, or putting stuff in front of the door every night to run into/trip over, things like that. If possible, I'd see about getting a guard dog or something. I wouldn't take the same route home two days in a row, and I'd try to change up my schedule a lot, at least in the sense of when I'd leave and return to the house (makes it hard for stalkers to follow you and such). I might even let my neighbors know that I'm being stalked so that they can help keep an eye out for anything suspicious, and so that they don't go telling anyone who's looking for you where you live. Do you rent or own? Because if you're renting, letting your landlord know you're being stalked isn't a bad idea, either. The more eyes you have on you and your place, and the more people who know about you being stalked, the better. It'd probably be a good idea to try to not be alone when you're going places as well. But if you are alone, be very aware/vigilant.
Another thing to think about- cameras/security cameras, if possible. Like one outside your door or bedroom window or something.

Basically, I'd make sure that I was prepared for anything, and if anything went south, I'd make sure I'd either be their last victim, or I'd mark them enough to where they'd never forget me and would be left with a scar or something to make it easier to identify them.


It's f*#ked up how you're getting little to no help with this, and that this motherf*#king c*#ks*cker is not only still following you, but still able to follow you. Do you have any evidence of him at least being a stalker? If you do, find out if there's anything you can do with it. If nothing else, throw it in people's faces and ask how can nothing be done about a basically proven stalker.

One thing I just thought of that you could try to do is stalk the stalker. If possible, see about what a private investigator could do for you. If you know where the stalker is or frequents, it'll be easier to keep yourself safe.

Best of luck to you.


-KAT

I f#!king agree with everything Kat said. You need to f#!king take at least some measures to f#!king protect yourself from the b@st@rd(s). I bet you can be a f#!king strong a$$ person if you feel the need. And something like this is a d@mn certain moment where you need that.
Amelia

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I don't think we've ever experienced something as horrific as that. Just know our thoughts are with you and my prayers are with you, if you want them.

**trigger warning**

First of all, I'd give every single person who was supposed to be helping a piece of my f*#king mind. I'd ask the cops how this person can find me, and I'd blatantly ask why they seem to not care or attempt to help much.

We did this. Even had the psych ward staff yell at the police officers after they made a horrible mistake and just said "well these things happen and [the abuser] is probably just concerned about you". They apologized briefly.

I'd ask everyone how they can find me- I'd call social services, my bank, the works. I'd let everyone know I was being stalked, and that I was in danger. That way, if anything happens to me, they'll either share the blame or they'll have to live with their guilt and shame. I'd let people of social services and such know that if anyone except for myself or who I've designated to have my info is looking for me to not give them anything, and if they do, they're risking putting me in danger.

This we have done as well. We're talking to the top levels at the bank and have worked for over a year to get a functioning account because no one in the country seems to know how to stop information flow when someone has the means to hack an account. Social services knows, but there's obvious loop holes in the system that will probably always be there, because that's just the way it is and there is no way to fix this (we've checked with them, the police, lawyers etc).

I'd get every restraint order possible done, and I'd talk to everyone I could about how to handle a stalker- lawyer, police, even a judge if possible, etc. And if the police aren't helpful, I'd go over their heads and write a letter to the top dog, and let them know that their officers aren't helpful.

This we have done too. We are in contact with the top level criminal investigators (I'm guessing it would be the same as the FBI in the US) - but they are the ones that are probably stripping us of the security measures we have right now in not too long. We're waiting on the final letter..

bear-strength mace/pepper spray

Baring arms (including bear-strengh mace) is illegal in many countries in Europe. I wouldn't be comfortable baring any form of am, but we do have pepper spray. We tried to get bear mace, as we got it before when we lived in the shelter, through someone we were friends with there. The police never said anything when we had a secret address, violence alarm etc and they saw the mace. No one is stupid enough to say "that's illegal" when you have a real problem with security. But it's gone after all the moves (lost it somewhere along the way). At least we have pepper spray though.

I would get alarms for the house, locks for the windows and doors (including the bedroom doors inside the house), and I wouldn't leave windows or window shades open if I was in the same room (least not for long). If I couldn't afford actual alarms and locks, I'd probably end up making my own booby traps or something (not kidding).

We refuse to live on the ground floor and anywhere someone can climb the bulding, so we can keep our windows open and don't always have shades down. We have a lock on the door, but the problem with locks, like a chain lock, is that if someone comes into your apartment they can in turn lock you in - which has happened to us before when our abusers had the same thing (and we were still in contact with them). We are not allowed to add a security alarm to this apartment, but anyplace we'll move next will have it, and we have usually had it. We have hung stuff on our door handle though so if anyone even touches it on the outside it wakes us up with lots of sound.

I'd try to change up my schedule a lot, at least in the sense of when I'd leave and return to the house (makes it hard for stalkers to follow you and such).

Yup, this too. We, thankfully, have very few set routines now and to our set places (career things) we use a cab instead of bus, so no one can really follow much - plus we start at different times each day).

might even let my neighbors know that I'm being stalked so that they can help keep an eye out for anything suspicious, and so that they don't go telling anyone who's looking for you where you live. Do you rent or own? Because if you're renting, letting your landlord know you're being stalked isn't a bad idea, either. The more eyes you have on you and your place, and the more people who know about you being stalked, the better.

We're renting and we've talked to our land lord about this so our name isn't on the buzzer sign nor on the mail boxes inside etc. We've told them (some) of our problems and thankfully she's been pretty helpful. We also live somewhere you need a key or be buzzed in, but many people here just let people in which is a major concern.

It'd probably be a good idea to try to not be alone when you're going places as well. But if you are alone, be very aware/vigilant.

We try not to go alone during the night etc but during the day we just stay where there are enough people to feel safe. You can't live in fear, but you can't be naïve either.

Another thing to think about- cameras/security cameras, if possible. Like one outside your door or bedroom window or something.

It's illegal to do this here (because of bulding rules) but if we owned our own place, which we hopefully will next year or the year after, we are definitely putting up a camera.

Do you have any evidence of him at least being a stalker?

Yes, there are several, as they are helping our abusers (5 that we know of that has either helped or are our abusers). The police always says "If they come on more time we will take care of it". Then we tell them and they go "Oh but do you know they're here for you? Maybe they're just visiting here?" etc - or they can't help because it's not illegal for them to send someone else, a restraining order will only include their own physical person.

One thing I just thought of that you could try to do is stalk the stalker.

We have considered this, and we are prepared to do this if the security measures all disappear, but we really don't have the funding for this. Plus, this isn't happening every single day. We never know when they'll come and when they leave and go back to where they live (we moved a long way away from them). So it's hard. But yes, we've considered this.

Best of luck to you.

Thank you very much

Thank you Amelia & (Jo or Nadia?) as well.
I appreciate that - your prayers as very much welcomed.
Very much so indeed.

From several of us

lifelongthing: Wow, yes, you have done, like, everything that's possible it seems. I have seen such stories on tv, never thought I would meet someone that actually had to go through this. I wish you much strength with this!

Is is evidence when they send threatening letters? If that is the case, you (or someone else, talking about you) could try to privately contact them and give the response to the police.
One warning though, email isn't safe (even things like a separate GMail/Hotmail/Yahoo account). I can send help via PM if you want.

Are you allowed to put up security cameras inside your house? Then you at least have (strong) evidence if they ever come in.
Banks have a button (out of sight) which they can press so the police comes immediately when they get robbed. Maybe it's possible to get such a thing?

Lost my reply Trying again now:

Wow, yes, you have done, like, everything that's possible it seems.

Certainly feels that way Hopefully we'll come up with some more ways though

Is is evidence when they send threatening letters? If that is the case, you (or someone else, talking about you) could try to privately contact them and give the response to the police.
One warning though, email isn't safe (even things like a separate GMail/Hotmail/Yahoo account). I can send help via PM if you want.

Yeah I know. We used to have the threatening e-mails but the police told us we should delete them because it's not good for our mental health to keep such things. They never took any inventory of them or looked at them, so in essence I was stupid enough to listen and we lost the evidence. This was very early in the process and I've learned more now, thankfully.

With a restraining order they are not allowed to send letters, try to find you, send e-mails etc. It's also illegal (entrapment) for us to contact them or get people to contact them. They have violated this but the police says, as with everything else, "oh.. but if they do it again.." and then the next time it's just the same thing.

Are you allowed to put up security cameras inside your house? Then you at least have (strong) evidence if they ever come in.

Not in this building, but we're moving next year and it's definitely on our list of "the apartment needs to have this option", so hopefully next year we'll be getting this.

Banks have a button (out of sight) which they can press so the police comes immediately when they get robbed. Maybe it's possible to get such a thing?

The closest thing is a home alarm (burglar alarm) that when you press it goes right to the watch company. We used to have an alarm like that, that had 24/7 "watch company" that means that if we clicked the button a sort of mobile patrolling unit would be at our home in 30 minutes or something like that. They aren't the police, but they are better than nothing. This is something we're hoping to install again when we move, as this building doesn't allow it.

I wish you much strength with this!

Thank you very much We appreciate it.

- From several of us