My explanation

Hey everyone. I just wanted to talk quickly about causes of DID.
I get quite uneasy when I read about DID. Each book I read, every website I check, every video I watch pretty much always says the same thing and that is the cause is down to severe abuse or trauma. This doesn't sit well with me because I have never experienced such things. Now I know some of you may feel skeptical about that and perhaps you may think that somewhere down the line I have but I simply have no recollection but I don't believe this to be the case. (Again my official diagnosis for many years was psychosis but has since been retracted and DID seems quite possible)

So why or how could I develop it? Here is my thinking:
For as long as I can remember I've had this ability to manifest things from my imagination. As a child ,perhaps 2-3 years old, I realized I could do this and so I became heavily submerged in my own world. I favored my own over the real world, not because there was anything negative going on in the real world but because in this world I had unlimited potential and freedom and I met loads of interesting characters that seemed to exist in a place only I could access. By manifest things I mean I could sort of hallucinate stuff from my mind and kind of mentally project images over physical things. For example when I was about 5 I used to love the film Gremlins but it also scared me. One night I was convinced there was a gremlin under my bed but my parents kept telling me it was fine. When they finally got me into bed I saw a gremlins arm reach up and try to grab me. I was so petrified I begged and pleaded with my parents to not make me stay in this room but they eventually calmed me down. For 2 years I had to call for my mum to take me to the toilet at night because I was still scared.
I don't remember creating any kind of bond with real life people. I mean I loved my parents and they showed me love but I always turned to these imaginary beings for support. My ex-therapist once asked me if my parents ever comforted me as a child. I answered "No, because I never needed comforting" I always turned to this fantasy life I had created for comfort and so never properly developed certain connections and emotions when I was really young. I also felt a great deal of confusion about myself. For a while I didn't believe I was human. I also experienced a lot of issues around gender. I haven't mentioned this before but I am trans, female to male, so most of my life I lived female and that caused a lot of negative emotions for me growing up.

In this world I feel emotionless and inhuman whereas in that world I feel...complete. When I got older I was forced to leave that world behind by my family, my friends, my teachers, just about everybody and I realised I had no tools or knowledge of how to actually deal with real life and real life emotions. I was made to feel small and weak by my teachers who saw my daydreaming as nothing more than childish and pathetic, I guess they didn't understand it was more than daydreaming, it was my life. It was a place I could physically interact with. I began to believe them and I told myself everyday that I hated myself until one day It was no longer "I hate myself" but instead it was "I hate you." This is when I first met Darren.

Maybe some of you think this is stupid and a ridiculous reason for my explanation of DID but I never lived in reality as a kid. I lived in this other place and I used to get so upset when I was 2,3,4 years old when I had to come back to reality. I missed out on lots of real life experiences and still feel I can't handle them now.
Anyway that's all I have to say. Thanks for listening.

It would certainly be an interesting explanation. I would say your system is quite different from what I have seen elsewhere.

*Moving my reply from "Different Causes of DID" to here*

FrankDarko, due to time constraints I was only able to skim your explanation, but I wanted to say something right away.

DID is caused by trauma and the interruption of personality development processes. Usually, the interruptions are the trauma(s) experienced, but I think it could be possible to have interruptions in the developmental processes that are not exactly "trauma", but may still be traumatic to the child and/or the developmental processes. Either way, DID is not caused by simply having too much imagination, or by living in your "own world" more than present reality. It is caused by trauma and interruption(s) of the personality developmental processes.

You may or may not remember what caused your DID, or it may be a case of things that seem "little" now weren't so "little" back when you were younger/a child. But either way, DID isn't caused by escaping into your imagination too much.

Skimming your post made me wonder something as well- what was it that made you want to escape into your own world? Was it truly only because you liked it better, or are there perhaps other reasons you might not have thought of or are yet aware of or something? (I'm not really looking for answers, just suggesting things to think about).


~The Hawk

-- Mon Dec 10, 2012 4:07 pm --

And trauma is not necessarily abuse.

**Possibly triggering**
Examples of trauma: Abuse (physical, verbal, emotional, psychological, or sexual); Neglect (being ignored, left alone often, etc. Neglect is also considered abuse).; Witnessing or being the victim of a horrible accident (such as a bad car crash); Losing a loved one/family member/guardian during childhood (especially if the loss was sudden); Bullying (especially if the child has no support to turn to, isn't being helped by anyone, etc.- usually has to be an unrelenting case of bullying); Witnessing, being part of, or being the victim of a crime; Being exposed to violence (such as violent tempers, violent confrontations, etc.- not necessarily "aimed" at the child, either); Having great amounts of stress and/or responsibilities as a child (so being more like an adult than a child, aka "having to grow up fast"); etc.
**End of possible trigger**


~The Hawk

I just posted on the other thread but have deleted and will repost here.

What I am trying to explain in this post is that it was far more than living in my imagination. I had relationships there, I had experiences and I could bring some elements of that world into this one. Later on in life I had romantic relationships there, really meaningful ones. It was more than daydreaming, it was a real place or at least real to me and it still is.
What I was saying was I ended up not developing certain attachments here, I did not develop emotions properly due to this and therapists have agreed. My "alters" or whatever they are all hold certain emotions or groups of emotions I never really learned to use or deal with because I never existed in reality, not until I was ripped away and forced to.

Also the issues I had about myself- believing I was male and not being able to understand these feelings definitely made me feel crappy about myself a lot. I feel I was never a child and I've had to take care of myself emotionally all my life or at least these other entities/people/creatures did in early life until they disappeared and I could not understand how to make a close attachment to my family or anyone else.

I also don't consider it my imagination because I don't control it. It was always there. Maybe I should just go back to being psychotic but doctors think I can tell the difference between reality and fiction. Perhaps I can't but I know my hallucinations can assume control and do represent emotions I never developed which is why DID seems to be a high possibility.

Again, though, DID is not caused by the things you've talked about. I understand what you're explaining.

I have a theory, if I might share it, feel free to ignore it though. I'd guess that your DID was caused before you were 2-3 yrs old, and it was caused by the same thing(s) that helped your fantasy world to develop (which sounds like a world created by/related to DID since you can't control it like your imagination). I'd also say it was caused by the same thing(s) that made you turn to fantasy for comfort instead of your parents.

Your own world is not what caused your DID. What caused your DID is most likely the same thing(s) that caused your own world to develop. (It sounds like an escape tactic, a coping mechanism).

IF there are no memories to discover that explain the cause of DID, then I would start suspecting things that seem "little" now, but might not have been "little" back then. You mention you've felt as though you've had to take care of yourself emotionally all your life. Why? Were your parents unsupportive, did they not listen to you, did they not seem to care, etc.? If you say you felt like you couldn't talk to your parents or something, ask yourself why. Because if you stop at saying "I felt like I couldn't talk to my parents", you're not finding the true reason. The true reason would be why you felt like you couldn't talk to your parents. Example: "I don't feel like I can talk to my parents because they always brush me off and don't take me seriously". So, the true reason would be that the parents didn't act like they truly cared about what their child talked to them about (whether it's intentionally or unintentionally, it can still have an effect).

The only way your fantasy world helped your DID develop is that it helped to interrupt the personality developmental processes. However, one has to ask, how/why was your fantasy world created, what caused your fantasy world to be created/develop, and why did you feel the need to escape into it so much? Sure, you liked it better, but why? Was it truly only because it was "better" than reality, or are there other reasons? (Including reasons that you might not yet be aware of).

I think whatever caused your fantasy world either also caused your DID, or the dissociation with the creation of your fantasy world was so much of an interruption in the developmental processes that it's what mainly helped your DID to develop. Because your fantasy world is definite dissociation, and it definitely seems to be an escape tactic/coping mechanism.


~The Hawk

Yeah I do sometimes question why or how the fantasy world came to be but a lot of the time I think that's just my brain wiring. There's various bits of mental health issues floating around in my family history. I think I conked my head quite hard on a toilet seat when my mum was giving birth (she gave birth to me in a toilet, rather an amusing story actually but now isn't the time lol)

My parents were supportive but I couldn't find their support comforting because I had already found comfort from these other beings. Perhaps this lack of development in the real world only plays a part in the whole story but it definitely does play a part. And maybe it did feel traumatic because there was so much negative stuff in the other world as well and I couldn't turn to anybody to explain what I was experiencing. I'm petrified of the real world as an adult because I never really lived it as a kid hence why I have voices/hallucinations/alters that deal with that stuff for me.
I don't know how best to describe it. It's really hard to try and convey how big of a thing this is for me. Particularly because I could often hallucinate stuff at will I think that's definitely to do with how my brain is wired. Those things I was aware were not real but nevertheless fascinated me, and still does although I can't seem to do this anymore.
Anyway I can feel myself getting frustrated because I don't feel I can really explain this so I'm just gonna stop for now (and Darren is starting to get angry at me). Either way I appreciate your views and opinions.

Yes, your hallucinations and fantasy world did definitely play a part in the development of your DID (if they weren't caused by the DID itself).

I didn't mean to make you frustrated. As I said, I understand what you're explaining, and I can grasp how much influence your hallucinations and fantasy world had on you. I'm just trying to help you look at all possibilities and possible reasons/explanations, is all.

That first bonk on the head could've been traumatizing to you, despite being a newborn, or it possibly have helped to cause your hallucinations (I don't know much about head injuries, so I'm not sure). Something could've happened to you before you were 2 yrs old that helped to make the world seem so negative and scary (you could've been badly scared by a person or an animal, intentionally or accidentally, for example).



I think your at-will hallucinations were mainly a result of a strong imagination. We had troubles knowing what was real and what wasn't as a child, and we were able to hallucinate at-will as well.
For example, when Cassie would be having adventures with the Power Rangers, she'd "see" them and it'd feel like they were really there, and we'd sometimes even think they were really there. But if someone else was around us or interrupted our play time, such as another child or our parents, then we'd still "see" the Power Rangers as if they were there, but we'd know for certain that they weren't real. It's like, as long as we were alone, anything had the possibility of seeming and "being" real.

When Cassie would pretend to be an animal, she'd truly believe she was that animal. That she had fur or feathers, claws or fangs, etc. Our first clash with reality, actually, came in 2nd grade when Cassie was pretending to be a dog and bit one of her classmates on the arm because they were being irritating. Cassie, Cassandra and Shay, (though they weren't necessarily that separate at the time, nor known about) were so confused. To them, they actually were a dog, and dogs bite, especially when they're being bothered by something/someone. They didn't understand that they had done anything "wrong" or had behaved "inappropriately". To avoid seeming "weird" or "different", though, Kat covered it up by saying that she'd bitten the kid simply because he'd made her mad, and never mentioned pretending to be a dog.

We've been starting to wonder if we may have a slight autistic disorder, such as Autism or Asperger's. Shay shows strong characteristics of being Autistic, and a lot of things about our childhood, such as our strong imagination, make sense when you consider the possibility of us having Asperger's (a lot of questions are answered, too). We don't aim to self-diagnose ourselves, but we do match many of the symptoms (of course, depending on the alter, the "matching" varies), and are very interested in getting evaluated for it.

Perhaps there's a similar possibility for you? (Not necessarily Autism or Asperger's, but perhaps something along those lines). Here's what we read that made us look into Asperger's further: "Asperger's syndrome is classified as an autistic spectrum disorder. Asperger's is similar to autism because it affects a child's interactions with others. Boys and girls diagnosed with Asperger's tend to be socially awkward, as well as very intelligent. Children with Asperger's syndrome have vivid imaginations and are quite creative. Fewer girls than boys are diagnosed with Asperger's, making it difficult for girls to establish friendships with peers." (Quote found to be from this site: http://www.livestrong.com/article/164792-aspergers-symptoms-in-females/).



By the way, I'm not trying to push you or rush you into anything. I'm just trying to help you figure out all possible explanations/reasons.


~The Hawk

Do you know if you have an inner world separate of the hallucinations and this other world you speak of here? I assume not, and I would assume this world is your version of an "inner world". It might not work exactly like or be exactly like everyone else's (who's ever is, anyway).

I think if you have a personality that is prone to dissociation, hallucination etc - I don't see why trauma is the only thing that can cause DID or that your DID was or was not created by what you and/or your T thinks. DID has not been proven to 100% of the time be because of trauma. Yes, all evidence point there - but it is not proven yet. Also, there is always going to be that tiny handful of people that it just wasn't so for, like there is for almost any mental health issue. Maybe you are that person. We can't know, and unfortunately, you can't know either until you are further along in therapy.

As Tomboy mentioned, could it have been something else that caused an overload? Such as a sensory overload?

You say you have had meaningful relationships and everything in this other world - are these also people you would consider possible alters, or were these people you just have a relationship in that world as opposed to as someone who could take over your body etc as well? Just something to think about, you don't have to answer anything here.

I hope you find your answers. I don't think there is a "this is how it is for everyone" answer to something like this. Genes, family history of dissociation, hallucinations etc can, I would assume, play a role amongst other things. I wouldn't rule out trauma, not in the least, but I'm not comfortable saying "it has to have happened" either.

The Hawk-
Don't worry it isn't you frustrating me. I just feel frustrated in trying to explain myself and I just don't feel I am able to do that very well. Also when I'm being open I naturally feel quite frustrated and angry in myself, as does Darren. I can't honestly think of any experiences but then again if anything did occur I would have been far too young to recall anyway. I knew I felt different about myself though from a young age which was more than likely down to my belief I should have been born male but even though I am male now I still have a lot of issues with myself and still need my internal world so perhaps that isn't the problem. It's just horribly aggravating not having a clear idea, that's all.
As for autism/aspergers I was tested for that a few years ago but I definitely didn't fit it at all.The bloke testing me seemed pretty sure early on in the testing that it wasn't the case for me.

lifelongthing-
It's really hard for me to explain what this world is like for me. Actually the hallucinations or alters feel somewhat separate to this place. Again it's difficult to really explain and I tend to change my theories about it a lot so it's hard to say. It's very similar to Maladaptive Daydreaming (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maladaptive_daydreaming) but it feels more real or more...I really don't know lol. GAH this is frustrating!!
As for the relationships and stuff these people are different to alters. Some times they tend to be characters from works of fiction (books, films, etc) and sometimes they are people that my mind seems to have made up and I usually meet them in dreams. I currently have strong feelings for a particular character and that makes things really difficult when it comes to my real life partner.
I feel pretty embarrassed talking about all of this lol. I wish there was an easier way to explain. Maybe I'm just crazy.

As for the relationships and stuff these people are different to alters. Some times they tend to be characters from works of fiction (books, films, etc) and sometimes they are people that my mind seems to have made up and I usually meet them in dreams.

Alright, good to know.

You might find this interesting: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fantasy_prone_personality

I'm sorry it's frustrating. I don't think you should be embarrassed. It's not something you can help, I am sure.

I wish you the best of luck going forward