Control

Would you give a therapist your names? Cause I know it will take lots of control away from us. She is a really good therapist who Does in fact have the knowledge and power to call us out, much more so once she has our names. I have this sheet of paper with our names, ages, characteristics etc. on it, but I'm much too scared to hand it to my therapist. It feels wrong, like it's not right or like something doesn't make sense but I don't know why. Thing is, we keep adding things onto the list, and the threat just gets bigger and bigger since there's more and more information on it, which I take with me to therapy every time. I'm scared they will hand it against my will/scared she will terminate therapy if we don't hand it, etc.. I'm thinking I should shred the paper once more, cause I did this lots of times before. But really we want to give her this info. I guess? I don't know. We do, desperately try to but we desperately try not to... lol.. Anyway this comes down to me being embarrassed of behaving like a multiple and not really being able to handle switching like this, which I know since it happened once before with this therapist. It scares us so much. If sessions were to go like what we imagine, her calling us out and in and switching us around etc., we would be non-functional all week and so embarrassed. But really what use does therapy have if we're determined to keep hiding? She understands exactly what this is about and is not really rushing us, but we still feel guilty for wasting her time and being stubborn like this.
So I guess I also want to ask how to handle switching like this, and how we should best determine what it really is that we want to do with this situation.
-TheCollective

I know just how you feel. I think its common to be wary. I don't think your therapist is going to use the information in a bad way. It took me forever to tell my therapist and I too went through feeling like I was wasting her time. The best thing to do, I think, is go in one session, and then just immediately hand them the paper before you can talk yourself out of it. You don't even have to say anything, I'm sure he or she will figure it out quickly.
When I finally shared my list of alters with my therapist I was almost surprised to find out that she didn't seem to want to push me to bring them out or anything stressful right away.
Later I found out that one of my alters was the reason I didn't want to open up. He was more afraid than I am of her finding out our secrets. His job is to protect us and he saw her as a threat. So I guess the question you have to ask yourself is , Is your therapist there to help you, or are they a threat? I'm sure its the former. I hope this helps

I sometimes put something in the middle of the floor or over to one side of the room if I don't feel comfortable with it, so I don't have to see it of be close to it if I don't want. Or so the t doesn't have to handle something I don't want too, but that its in a safe place or at a good distance between the two. Then I've left it there in a session where I've felt comfortable and after a bit of time, an issue might get resolved, or an alter might feel more comfortable, and the T might get to know a bit more, or read or see a bit. So we prefer bit by bit with us, and not all at once, and its made us feel more comfortable around each other. I think it really lies with your alter, and more important to them than the therapist. I tend to go with when my alters feel comfortable though, though I know how important a T can be. They are there to help though. Can another alter assist you and talk to the T about it and some of your struggles and see how they will handle it.

If it feels wrong, perhaps the pace is going to fast for you and you feel under pressure to expose too much at once. It's your territory and inner places you're bringing out into the open after all. You do need to trust your T, if she's joining you in those places. Can you not peel the onion away and work from the outside in?
Have there been other ways, you've been making progress and coming out a bit more with the T?

James9 wrote:
I don't think your therapist is going to use the information in a bad way.

Depends on what 'bad' is. I can't decide whether it's good or bad to be exposed, I guess it can be viewed both ways, but I do know that it's really intense and I dont know if I can handle it.

James9 wrote:
The best thing to do, I think, is go in one session, and then just immediately hand them the paper before you can talk yourself out of it. You don't even have to say anything, I'm sure he or she will figure it out quickly.

I've thought about doing this. Bus then she said, 'I dont want to talk you into doing something you would regret'. So now I'm not sure. It's like I can't even handle the control I have but at the same time want it.

James9 wrote: When I finally shared my list of alters with my therapist I was almost surprised to find out that she didn't seem to want to push me to bring them out or anything stressful right away.

Yea but eventually she will. How does it feel to be seen through and controlled like that? Isn't it extremely exhausting and stressful? How would this leave me throughout the week?
How long did it take you to share this list?

James9 wrote:Later I found out that one of my alters was the reason I didn't want to open up. He was more afraid than I am of her finding out our secrets. His job is to protect us and he saw her as a threat. So I guess the question you have to ask yourself is , Is your therapist there to help you, or are they a threat? I'm sure its the former. I hope this helps

I guess logically I know she's there to help me yes. I know that some of us are angry at her. I'm co-conscious a lot and I would feel so embarrassed at the way I behave. I am one of those protectors and I feel she is a threat for a whole lot of reasons.

Fightforlife wrote:Can another alter assist you and talk to the T about it and some of your struggles and see how they will handle it.

Already happened. She knows exactly what's going on, which is a big part of the reason why it's so huge. She's a great t, I'm not really worried about how she will handle it. Well I guess I am worried about firing an angry alter at her..

Fightforlife wrote:If it feels wrong, perhaps the pace is going to fast for you and you feel under pressure to expose too much at once. It's your territory and inner places you're bringing out into the open after all. You do need to trust your T, if she's joining you in those places.

Trust is very hard for us, especially towards t's. I figured trust has to be built from something, so doing some work would create that trust. I feel like I'm 'pressured too much' from the slightest stress.

Fightforlife wrote:Can you not peel the onion away and work from the outside in?
Have there been other ways, you've been making progress and coming out a bit more with the T?

Layer by layer sounds like a good plan. Maybe I Should shred the paper so I can be sure that it wont happen all at once. But I can't seem to do it or else I would have already.

Definitely have made some progress with this t, thank god. I'm so scared of her seeing through every little thing we do. I know she does because I can see that. We've been in front of her, some of us. But saying 'Hi, I'm E' or whatever, it's just something we've never been able to do and it feels like a lie and like I'm crazy. I'm scared I will lose control over my behavior once she knows for sure that someone else is out or able to be called out.
This one time that a switch was forced, I was exhausted for days and I am still embarrassed of it, nearly a year later. It feels like it's impossible to just let it happen. I tried so long and hard to be heard and seen and now I dont even know whether I want this anymore.

How would I, in case of lots of switching in her office, handle myself afterwards? If only I knew how to get through the week in a reasonable way if something like this would develop, it would be much better already.

Thanks for your replies guys.

-E, protector, system manager, host
-J, host

Hey,

I'm having difficulty in my t sessions now. I've only just begun. Last one I don't know who was in control in the talking session, but when I got back in my car I switched back again. I guess I found it too much and the alters found it too pressuring to be themselves, I can only vaguely remember going.
I guess pressure is a big deal to us and a problem in itself, probably has to be worked out layer by layer and can't come off all at once. I find if I overstep the line and put more pressure on myself it has an easy way of getting worse quickly. So I wonder if its worth trying to find an acceptable and comfortable line from which to work from. One where you feel it's appropriate between you and your t, and then over time that line can be moved as your alters advance and get a bit more confident. Too much too soon isn't good. It sounds like the protector is finding this difficult mostly? Or does he have is own issues? I find my protection defences really hard to deal with and there's a battle going on between those that want out and those that don't. Think we might have to work out some compromises!
Instead of shredding the paper, could you possibly do something different with it? Ie. cut it out into pieces and take a piece out at a time when one alters ready, and protector can guard the box? Or put it in a safe box for now or with a key. Or delivering the information in another way that's a bit safer, like picture therapy, or just looking at one of the alters words first and seeing ow you find it to test the waters, maybe protector will start to feel a it more comfortable if done in an appropriate way for him?
Best wishes with everything.

TheCollective wrote: How does it feel to be seen through and controlled like that? Isn't it extremely exhausting and stressful? How would this leave me throughout the week?
How long did it take you to share this list?

My therapist never controlled me. She waited for me to take the first step, always. It took me a few months to give her the list of my alters. Maybe you could tell your therapist about this concern? Say something like 'I am nervous to share this information because I'm afraid I can't handle dealing with it' or something like that, open a dialogue between the two of you about this topic?

(I am sorry to Kyra for possibly scaring her, but I felt I should be as close to "out" as possible for this).

Good therapists should never "call out" an alter if the host does not want them to, and especially if the alter does not want to be "called out". There must be communication and understanding, and though there is control held, it should not be wielded. Your therapist should go at your pace, by your comfortability level, and should not do anything you do not like. The only time a therapist should "call out" an alter is if it is pertinent to therapy, a necessary thing, and if the alter cannot be convinced otherwise.

You should talk to your therapist about how you wish to share more information with her, but you would like to talk about how the therapy would work and what guidelines would make you feel comfortable first. Perhaps have a question and answer session with your therapist? You could write down questions, much like you have here, and ask her them during therapy.

Therapy should have exhausting times, but you should never be always exhausted, and your therapist should never push you to your limit each and every time.

I understand how trust issues can make this step hard. But if there is nothing to build trust on, then there is no way to truly resolve those issues. So despite the issues, a first step must be taken.

Would it be better to start with something smaller? Not only going layer by layer, but perhaps only sharing what each personality is like at first? Perhaps some of their interests? Then after some time, perhaps you can share their age, maybe what they look like. Then when you're more comfortable, share their names.

I certainly hope you're able to find a process that works for you. Congratulations on working and considering this big step. No matter what your choice, you've accomplished great progression by just considering this and attempting to make it work.

~Rain

Fightforlife wrote:Hey,

I'm having difficulty in my t sessions now. I've only just begun. Last one I don't know who was in control in the talking session, but when I got back in my car I switched back again. I guess I found it too much and the alters found it too pressuring to be themselves, I can only vaguely remember going.

Barely remembering what session was about, I have this all the time too. That's exactly why I'm scared that things I'm not comfortable with will be shared. Something like this already happened more than once and I had to take over and stop it. I know the therapist notices this - E

Fightforlife wrote:I guess pressure is a big deal to us and a problem in itself, probably has to be worked out layer by layer and can't come off all at once. I find if I overstep the line and put more pressure on myself it has an easy way of getting worse quickly. So I wonder if its worth trying to find an acceptable and comfortable line from which to work from. One where you feel it's appropriate between you and your t, and then over time that line can be moved as your alters advance and get a bit more confident. Too much too soon isn't good.

You're right it can get worse easily. Some of us just want too much too soon, it's true. Also she has asked me to share the list more than once, which puts more pressure on us to 'be good'. -E

I feel like I have an alliance with this therapist. I want to work on heavy stuff. It's like, every time I try to say something that he's not cool with, a giant lock shuts my mouth, or even keeps me from knowing it at all. -J

Fightforlife wrote: It sounds like the protector is finding this difficult mostly? Or does he have is own issues? I find my protection defences really hard to deal with and there's a battle going on between those that want out and those that don't. Think we might have to work out some compromises!

There's always a battle going on in our head too. His issues are that we were never believed, and hurt and even ridiculed by other therapists. His issues are that we don't have enough proof yet that she does believe us. (it's ridiculous, I know, I mean, she talked to a very loud toddler.. if that isn't proof, it's denial on our part..) His issues are also that she has wrong plans for him, in particular getting rid of him, or making sure he's not in control anymore.
I think it's also just in his nature to control, since he's the manager, leader, whatever it's called. At first he would go to her office too, but now he hasn't, because I shared that he is the leader. I don't like this game. So now it's like, he sends me, but, actually directs like 90% of what I'm saying.. I think this can get really confusing for the therapist, but I cant get him to come out for himself anymore. Like he's suddenly scared to be discovered, even though he already went there for himself and said that he was male and like, announced himself (excluding the name) already. -J

Fightforlife wrote:Instead of shredding the paper, could you possibly do something different with it? Ie. cut it out into pieces and take a piece out at a time when one alters ready, and protector can guard the box? Or put it in a safe box for now or with a key. Or delivering the information in another way that's a bit safer, like picture therapy, or just looking at one of the alters words first and seeing ow you find it to test the waters, maybe protector will start to feel a it more comfortable if done in an appropriate way for him?
Best wishes with everything.

What's picture therapy? I'm horrible at drawing so that wont work out, but maybe it means something else? It sounds interesting, please tell me more.
Cutting it up into pieces sounds nice. Or maybe make a new one, a separate one for each?
Yes, making us feel comfortable enough to be free is what's on the agenda for now. Not much else left to do. I hate that it takes so much time. -J

James9 wrote:
My therapist never controlled me. She waited for me to take the first step, always. It took me a few months to give her the list of my alters. Maybe you could tell your therapist about this concern? Say something like 'I am nervous to share this information because I'm afraid I can't handle dealing with it' or something like that, open a dialogue between the two of you about this topic?

Funny cause my therapist said that it's logical for me to doubt handing her this, cause it will give her a lot of control. She also said that she wants me to be comfortable about handing it, so she's waiting for me to take this step too. -E
I already told her that I'm scared she will do her magic again, but I can't remember what she replied. Maybe I should bring it up again, and tell her that I'm not sure whether I can handle it. I would be scared that she will terminate therapy because I can't handle it though. -J

tomboy24 wrote:
Good therapists should never "call out" an alter if the host does not want them to, and especially if the alter does not want to be "called out". There must be communication and understanding, and though there is control held, it should not be wielded. Your therapist should go at your pace, by your comfortability level, and should not do anything you do not like. The only time a therapist should "call out" an alter is if it is pertinent to therapy, a necessary thing, and if the alter cannot be convinced otherwise.

This one time she did this, really was necessary. I'm glad she did, cause otherwise they would never have found out that I was speaking the truth. We got that good at hiding apparently. She's a specialist so she sees everything, but the ones I had before her, didn't, so something had to be done. And I'm glad that they didn't tell me what they were up to, or else we wouldn't have allowed it.

tomboy24 wrote:You should talk to your therapist about how you wish to share more information with her, but you would like to talk about how the therapy would work and what guidelines would make you feel comfortable first. Perhaps have a question and answer session with your therapist? You could write down questions, much like you have here, and ask her them during therapy.

Great idea; I could ask her what she would do if she knew the names. Guidelines? It's so difficult to state any demands, we have never done so. I can't even think of one. -J

tomboy24 wrote:Would it be better to start with something smaller? Not only going layer by layer, but perhaps only sharing what each personality is like at first? Perhaps some of their interests? Then after some time, perhaps you can share their age, maybe what they look like. Then when you're more comfortable, share their names.

Working on it. She knows ages and some characteristics of some others.

tomboy24 wrote:I certainly hope you're able to find a process that works for you. Congratulations on working and considering this big step. No matter what your choice, you've accomplished great progression by just considering this and attempting to make it work.

~Rain

Thanks. I guess it's true that we've already come a long way. I hate that it takes so much time though. I guess I have to accept first that this is bound to take lots of time. I want to heal and get on with my life (or start it) so it's just really frustrating. -J

(A quick note: Your therapist only stated that it was logical for you to be wary, not that you should be wary or that there was anything she'd do for you to be wary about. It is indeed logical and understandable that you are wary, but that does not mean you have to be. All it means is that it is completely understandable for you to be wary.
Any therapist who terminates therapy because a patient cannot handle the intensity is not a good therapist. Therapists should work on making therapy less intense, or go at a slower pace, not terminate at the sign of a speed bump. Therapists are there to help you and they're there for you, so if they don't allow you to go at a pace comfortable to you, they're not really helping you. Besides, it is common for patients to doubt if they are able to handle something in therapy or not).

Ideas for guidelines:
-- Your therapist may only "call out" an alter if they wish to be called out, or do not mind being asked to come out.
-- Your therapist may only "call out" an alter if it is necessary and pertaining to therapeutic progress.
-- Your therapist may not "call out" an alter, if they wish to be present, they will come out on their own.
-- Your therapist may "call out" an alter if they wish to be out, but are having troubles getting out on their own.
-- You are the only one who may "call out" any alters.
-- Your therapist has to ask if you are ok with a certain alter being out, and if you're ok with her calling them out, before she may do so.
-- Your therapist may only "call out" any alters who say that they are ok with it prior to the therapy session (perhaps write down a list of which alters are ok before each session).
-- Your therapist may never "call out" any alters if you or anyone else is not up to it or does not feel comfortable with it.

(I think you understand the idea).

I hope these suggestions are helpful. Perhaps you could ask other alters for any suggestions from them?

It can be frustrating, and it can be difficult to be patient, but try to remember that every healing process takes time, and that the end results will be worth all the time and effort. Again, congratulations on taking such large strides forward.

~Rain

Our therapist has, from the start, asked for whomever it is she wants to have there. It's put a big strain on therapy..

I hope you can come to an agreement that works well for everyone