A question about alter "creation"

Hello everybody!
I have already posted this question in DDNOS and OCD (obsessive-compulsive) forums, but I want to try to post it here too.
First, it is very probable I don't have DID, but that my OCD is acting up. Either way it's very distressing, although kind of slowly getting better.
The thing is I had a very nasty OCD episode, which led to a psychotic attack. During this time I was making matters worse by "flooding", that is immersing myself in the situation I feared most (which was living a horror movie -- it is a miracle I did't go completely nuts). I don't know why we people do these things. I guess we need to know so hard that we won't turn away from hurting ourselves. Thing is that I was even trying to get into the mind of a child abuser/murderer of a sort (or imagining it was me, I don't know anymore), and that is when all of a sudden a real, i. e. not hypothetical thought was formed in my head, about hurting someone real (probably). I have no idea how it got there, let alone how it continued sort of on its own and devised a plan to kill (or something) -- all in one instant, boom! I know about intrusive thoughts and I don't have a problem with them. Why then does this experience stand out? I have had lots of horrible thoughts and they don't worry me -- why this then? I fear I might have created an evil alter -- which is taking the things to the extreme, I know, but my anxiety won't allow me to let go of it. That experience was three months ago, since then nothing strange happened, but it still haunts me...
My question would be: does somebody have a similar experience? Can you create an evil entity? How can you get rid of it? I'm afraid that it might come to life when I least expect it -- you understand that one can't live like that... I'm out of ideas how to cope with this (have recently started therapy though).
Thanks for reading!

(I think it might be worth you putting a warning on your post about its content, perhaps just before what you want to talk about, as I found the post a little distressing to read, as it contained information about wanting to hurt people. Even if you were unintentional about it, it's worth just being conscious of the audience you're taking too).

I hope you can find a solution and understanding to this problem.

I personally don't believe that the kind of alter you're referring too, would be the same kind of dissociative alters, and wouldn't necessarily call it so, especially if it came on more suddenly and you feel it is not part of yourself. Could it be a bit more to do with the psychotic episode you mentioned? and are you on any different kinds of meds? I think thoughts, images, plans, etc can all be formed in our heads sometimes whether we like them or not. Worth mentioning to the therapist about what happened and perhaps he can give that professional view of some of the worries you have too.

Alters don't just get created. Splits usually happen in childhood, usually early childhood, and sometimes- SOMETIMES in adolescence. It is possible, though not proven, that an adult can split, BUT ONLY if they've had a history of dissociation/dissociative disorders (such as depersonalization). Because the brain's already been using dissociative tactics to cope, it is more possible for the brain to then take it that further step and split, but it RARELY happens any later than late childhood, before adolescence.

That being said, IF this is truly an alter, and yes "evil" alters can exist, I just...ran into...one of my own, anyway, IF this is truly an alter, they're not "new". They would not have just split recently. They would've been there, in hiding, and they're only new to your awareness.
"Evil" alters usually only appear to be evil. There's reasons for alters being the way they are, even the scary ones. They're not truly "evil", they were basically made to be that way, either by abuse, trauma, or for a purpose (such as scaring abusers or holding "evil" thoughts, or something like that).
You don't "get rid" of alters. You have to heal, and that either means you learn to work together as a team/system peacefully, or you integrate. Also remember- alters are PARTS of YOURSELF. If this is an alter, they're no stranger, they're not some evil entity that's invaded your body, they're a PART of YOU. And you can't just "get rid" of a part of yourself. You can change yourself, you can't get rid of yourself.

However, I don't know if this seems like a "real" alter, at least in the DID sense. I would look into every other possibility before considering DID, unless other symptoms that match DID crop up (amnesia, dissociative feelings like depersonalization, consistent/constant voice/voices in your head, etc).
I would look at it being caused by the psychotic attack, possibly being "left over" from making yourself be in that mindset- remember, just because you can make yourself be in a mindset doesn't mean you can always get out of it easily, possibly being caused by meds, other stuff like that.

What you did was a lot of mental work (whether you realized it or not), and it's not always easy to undo such mental work. Immersing yourself into that mindset, into any different mindset actually, takes a lot of effort, and it might take some time to get out of it completely. Once you've gotten your brain used to/in to thinking a certain way, it can be hard to get it back to "normal".

But here's some pages on DID. You can read more about it and see if anything matches up/resonates with you. If you match more that just having intrusive thoughts, I'd probably add DID to the possibility list, but be careful- don't jump the gun, and keep an open mind about everything. Definitely talk to your therapist about this as well.
Websites:
http://www.dissociative-identity-disorder.org/
http://www.dissociative-identity-disorder.net/

The 2nd one might be an easier start. It's more of a question-answer type format, but both are really good to read and have good information.

You said that you were emmersing yourself in a situation, or you came to be in a situation perhaps via a disorder itself and the OCD, it might be worth just starting with where you know you're at, ie, looking at where the OCD or the mindsets take you and start to unravel it that way, and re walk your path, rather than seeing what category it fits in. Obviously it will be quite unique to you anyway. Perhaps you could take what happened and the worries and work through it with a therapist so you can come to a conclusion together. Two heads are better than one

Although a lot of the outcomes and feelings of disorders might be similar, ie. hallucinations, flashbacks, black outs, confusion etc, I think the source of the matter can be different. As has been mentioned, it sounds like what you experienced has been new and unfamiliar to yourself, and personally I'd be checking for the source from outside of yourself, just in case it was your environment, your focus, mind, OCD etc, rather than that which is already in you. And perhaps come back to what you already know, who you really want to be, ie. if you're not that murderer then concentrate on who you are.

Some people say the mind can be a space which we fill, a little bit like a glass container, and if we are able and choose to fill it with something, then it is harder to be filled with other things. Perhaps naturally too, if we think on something long enough then we give it power or opportunity to take affect and act on it, we are all as humans capable of those things after all, so I'd suggest just starting to think and act the opposite of what you went through for a bit of stability. There's some things we can't change, but other things we can, like environment etc. You said you were 'flooding' before the 'effect' took place. It might be worth understanding whether it has consequences, and what path It could take you on, where your paths lead.

Thank you for support! I am sorry about the possible trigger mentioned by Fightforlife, only I can't change the post now without completely deleting it. Didn't think there for a minute, hope it does't cause any harm...

Yeah, you're all probably right, and it only has to do with the OCD and/or psychosis and/or normal way a brain functions when under difficult conditions. Although I think I was going through some dissociation: I really thought I WAS a bad person that just hadn't known it until then (I didn't know about the OCD then either). That is why I first posted in DDNOS, not here -- I am aware of the fact, that if it is something, it is probably something else. It effectively boils down to the fact that I was undergoing really bad trauma for a about two weeks -- and weird things began to happen. Is two weeks enough for DID? Who knows, I say to myself... I can doubt even the sun.

But it's mostly about the way I function, when I need to have all the bases covered -- especially the toughest ones to cover. And I didn't mean no disrespect when talking about an "evil alter" -- I was referring solely to my experience, which was sort of an unnatural experiment. BTW that is the point I am so afraid -- I'm afraid that I was stupid enought to hurt myself in such an extreme way (again, speaking about "my evil alter", not alters in general -- I truly respect you guys for who you are).

So again, thank you.

Could be worth looking at dissociation in general anyway, just to understand it, as I suppose there are different types and reasons. I guess it would be helpful for you to know IF you went through another time like that, what was happening. People do dissociate in themselves, like d.i.d, or perhaps they dissociate from outer experiences perhaps due to PTSD, and experience de personalisation etc, so I don't know much about it all either yet, but perhaps they'd be able to tell you a bt more about dissociation in general. But I think if its just a singular experience, it might not necessarily be a split, and might even be able to be controlled for you IF its coming from the outside in, rather than the inside out. Or.. Perhaps worth looking at the mind a bit more too, as its such a powerful device, and sometimes we don't choose what goes on within it, so I wish you the best.

Anyway I hope it doesn't happen again for you, and let us know how you get on, and what you find out.

safeway wrote: Is two weeks enough for DID? Who knows, I say to myself... I can doubt even the sun.

Again, it depends on the point of time in your life that this occurred.

If a person has a history of dissociation and/or dissociative disorders, then it is POSSIBLE though RARE for them to take it a step further and actually split later on in life, such as late adolescence or adulthood. OTHERWISE, splitting really only occurs in early childhood, childhood, and POSSIBLY adolescence, depending on the person's environment and the trauma.

However, dissociation is always possible when faced with trauma, though not necessarily to a true splitting point, which would be DID. Other things such as PTSD, depersonalization, derealization, and also just regular confusion (which can be strong when you add stress and anxiety to the mix), are much more possible than DID. Though that does not mean you should completely dismiss DID.

I would watch for more symptoms (which can be found in the sites I listed in my last reply), but unless you show more symptoms or this "evil" alter appears again (WITHOUT you doing any mental work to "get" yourself in that state), I would not focus on DID that much.

(Although, you are always welcome here! We don't care if you don't have DID. ).

In my system one alter was created in my 40's. All the rest seem to have been created decades ago in my youth.

safeway wrote:Thing is that I was even trying to get into the mind of a child abuser/murderer of a sort (or imagining it was me, I don't know anymore), and that is when all of a sudden a real, i. e. not hypothetical thought was formed in my head, about hurting someone real (probably). I have no idea how it got there, let alone how it continued sort of on its own and devised a plan to kill (or something) -- all in one instant, boom! I know about intrusive thoughts and I don't have a problem with them. Why then does this experience stand out? I have had lots of horrible thoughts and they don't worry me -- why this then? I fear I might have created an evil alter -- which is taking the things to the extreme, I know, but my anxiety won't allow me to let go of it. That experience was three months ago, since then nothing strange happened, but it still haunts me...
My question would be: does somebody have a similar experience? Can you create an evil entity? How can you get rid of it? I'm afraid that it might come to life when I least expect it -- you understand that one can't live like that... I'm out of ideas how to cope with this (have recently started therapy though).

Alters created in a bit different way. Yes, it possible to create evil or hurting self Alter. You cannot "get rid" from your own Part but you can control it in a some way or re-think what happen. Your post itself is a 100% confirmation - you aren't created new Alter.

Thanks again for your answers.

The more I know about DID and other mental illnesses (I'm at least 100% OCD ) the calmer I am. The OCD part of this problem is definitely taking it to the extreme and imagining that I was capable of splitting and "generating" the most horrible outcome of the situation from plain nothing (I'm 27 by the way without a history of dissociation, at least none that I know of). Althought there is the trauma part I guess I was barking up the wrong tree. Hell I'm even taking it to the extreme when trying to remember what actually happened -- it's getting rather blurry I'm afraid and I am filling the gaps with horrors. Still, for some reason it's not that easy to acknowledge it...
Also, knowing that IF it was the worst case it still would be treatable helps a lot.

AND your support helps A LOT! Thing is I am really ashamed in front of you guys... I mean the thought that I could have so perverted a defense mechanism which you need to use to survive... That is one of the biggest burdens to carry, that shame. Yet it seems you do understand -- thanks for that!

Cheers!