What should we do!?!?!

Help! I love my husband very much but when Danielle (sex addict) tries to emerge, it leads to random one night stands with any man who smiles at us. She doesn't even enjoy the sex. But somehow it gives her a false sense of love. Also, there is one man in particular she likes to be with for the sole purpose of sex. It is as if she feels she HAS to go to bed with them. She desperately seeks approval from everyone, especially potential lovers. She is fighting hard to get her way right now and to go see this other man. All of us know this is not in our best interest. We have seen the destruction these behaviors have caused in the past, nearly wrecking our marriage. How can we keep her from breaking through those doors!?!?

Firstly, does your husband know she's a sex addict?

Secondly, she's a sex addict, right? That doesn't change her from any other sex addict. You have to get to why she needs approval from everyone, and get to the bottom of how this addiction came about. You have to treat the cause, not the effect. Are you in therapy? If not, you should be, and she should be the focus right now.

Is there anyway you can communicate with her and ask her to stay "back" from control? Like, when you're out and about, does she have a room in your "inner/mental world" that she can stay in, perhaps? Let her know you're not upset with her, you don't blame her, you're not trying to keep her inside forever, nothing like that. Just try to explain to her that you know she can be impulsive, and you don't want to have any risks of anything happening that might jeopardize your marriage. You can try to communicate her either verbally or through writing notes to her. Try some meditation beforehand, it can help "center" you and can make you more relaxed to help open up communication ways.

I definitely understand where she's coming from... I have the compulsion to eat up the attention, so I usually flirt with everyone, and Kat does as well. But Kat has the backbone to say no whereas I'm not...always able to do that. And while Luna doesn't seek it out, she doesn't have the ability to stop any advances (she both freezes up and has become apathetic to anything happening to her as a coping mechanism).

The only suggestion I can think of right now to help you while waiting for therapy and stuff would be to try and do prevention stuff as best you can, and don't beat yourself up over what she does. When you go out, try to be aware of your feelings and such. Do you know any warning signs before she comes "out"? Also, maybe like glue your wedding ring on or something (desperate times sometimes call for desperate measures). Or have on your cell background "I'm married". Maybe notes in your purse? Do whatever you think will help you remember, or help her to say "no". Perhaps don't go out for a while, at least not socially and not without someone else. If you go out with friends, let them know to not leave you or let you leave with anyone, or tell them something you're comfortable with so that they won't leave you or let you go off by yourself. Try some self-talk techniques and such as well. Repeat to yourself "You don't need to please everyone, you don't have to sleep with anyone, you can say no, it's ok", stuff to reassure yourself. Constant and consistent reassurance can help as well.

Your husband also needs to understand that this is not your fault, nor is it her's. She's not healthy, and she needs help for this compulsive behaviour. It's easy to be angry at addicts when you don't understand them- but try to help him put himself in her shoes. Knowing why she behaves this way will help do that as well.

-- Fri Nov 02, 2012 8:33 pm --

Also, about the one man in particular, are you able to contact him yourself? Because at this point, I think you'd be in the right for going over her head and telling him that you're married and to turn you away no matter what or something like that.

I'd also ask her why she likes this particular guy for the purpose of sex. Finding out why she favors him can help you understand her and her reasonings more. Perhaps she's not feeling satisfied with your husband, and that's making her sex addiction worse?

Thank you. Those are good suggestions. I have been in therapy for fifteen years but am very early on in my DID progress so this is all still new to me. I will try some of those things out ! Fingers crossed she is willing to listen and cooperate.

No (personal) advice from me - but this board has the impulse-control and addictions tabs that may delve into that a little more. Also...I know 2 women who sound exactly like this...and they are both diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder...perhaps some research into that as well might give some ideas. good luck!

Hm. I can't imagine why I never read this thread before. At least I don't find a dis-remembered comment from me in it. Whew.

Undiagnosed DID can really throw a wrench into the therapy. Often, the problematic thoughts and behaviors belong to an alter who is not participating in the therapy session, so the hard work that the therapist and host alter do is not to the point. Once the DID is uncovered, therapy becomes much more effective because it now can be done directly with the alter who is having the problem.