A baby identity

Hi,
Does anyone have a small baby alter/personality that they don't mind talking about?
I am just trying to process and understand 'baby' and I'm not sure what she wants, needs yet.
I'm not sure If I have d.i.d or just dissociation so forgive me for posting here.
However there is a baby part of me, that seems more important than the others.
Now she's shown herself I feel much more 'complete' because I feel like all of my parts have been willing to come forward, and there's nothing much lurking in the darkness now.
I don't know where to go from here though and how the others should help baby when she's crying and distressed. All the others seem to have a level of development and maturity, baby is more needy. Plus it doesn't help that the older ones in myself are pretty angry and annoyed at her for coming out and being centre of attention and disturbed things for the rest of us and put a burden on us.

When one part is in need, is it good for the others to have a meeting if they can to discuss it? It might actually bring us all together for the first time, it seems like we need to in order to support baby? Shall I just go with it, if I the host feels were strong enough? Any suggestions for a first meeting too? As I'm pretty new at this and it feels risky at the same time.

Thanks

We have a baby who's 1 years old and one who is 2 years old (just turned 2). If there's anything you'd like to know feel free to ask. I'm not sure what it is you want to know but I'd love to help and I don't mind talking about them at all.

When it comes to what to do, I think it's very important to show patience, love, understanding - everything any alter or person needs to be shown, and just a little bit more because they are so young.

I think what she needs or would ask if she could is for 'time', just to be, cry, be cuddled, express etc. I think she's young as in new born, so maybe just opening her eyes, but mostly just feelings and needs to be held.
I guess I asked on behalf of the other more mature ones really because it feels like we don't know what to do with a stronger and bigger part of us, feels like I need to quieten them all down, because baby has recently come to the surface. It is making me edgy because of the division between us and her and how I react with us here and her 'over there', if that makes sense. We haven't connected with baby yet.

That would make sense

I see you edited your post, so I will try to answer your questions as best as I can.

When one part is in need, is it good for the others to have a meeting if they can to discuss it? It might actually bring us all together for the first time, it seems like we need to in order to support baby? Shall I just go with it, if I the host feels were strong enough? Any suggestions for a first meeting too? As I'm pretty new at this and it feels risky at the same time.

It can be good to have meetings about other alters needs. We do but it's just us who are the highest rank in our system - so there's 3 of us who meet and then the others will be told what we decided or are able to chime in if it's something more of us can discuss. It can be very good motivation for working together to put an alter in distress first and see what everyone is thinking, how they think it would be best to deal with it etc. I don't know what the risks are for meeting her needs if they are to be given time (there could be risks I am not thinking of right now), but since you feel there is a risk - could you maybe discuss it with a T? Or with other parts of your system before moving forward?

Thank you lifelong.

Yes I think my more mature 'members' would be doing the thinking and working out what to do. Ie. 4 yr old will still be there, just still colouring in on the floor

I think the only risk I felt was that I feel like I was going into the unknown, stepping into the darkness and its unfamiliar territory for us all. I feel that we would be strong enough to stick together, so maybe just a time of preparation would be good, for us to know where we're going.

The main thing we feel before baby's arrival, is that we were together, getting to know each other, and felt we were the centre, and that there was a baby in the dark in the distance and far away from us. And now baby just cam forth and is now in the centre and we've all been a bit scattered.

So I guess I feel that we need to either become stronger individually in our response to baby, or try and re-join and all work on our feelings and responses with each other first.

-- Thu Nov 01, 2012 6:45 pm --

The reason I wrote the post though was to see if anyone had had a similar experience of the younger and smaller self being a more important or complete part? And if we therefore shared any similar reactions from our 'baby' selves, and what kind of reaction it had to other parts taking care of it?

Don't have a T, or at least one I've been able to work with on this yet x

My therapist recently called my toddler part more important than others, and I have to say, for us it really wasn't good that she thought/said that. It was an insult and made others sad. So I have to ask whether you've asked your other parts what they think about this statement. It sounds to me, like the others might possibly be angry because this baby is viewed as more important maybe? It's just a guess though.

When we first found out about our first pre-verbal alter, we didn't know how to deal with him either. We still don't always know this, since it's just difficult. But what we did was, we went to find out who in this system seemed for some reason to know more about this child/who the child felt more drawn to. Then we encouraged this one to spend more time with the kid. Later he developed an emotional connection to this part and they have learned to read each other's emotions (within the limits of the developmental level of the baby). I'm not sure but I believe the child is almost fully absorbed by this caretaker now, but at least fully protected and loved and never left to cry alone anymore. Their neediness is something that in my system never really goes away, or at least hasn't so far. They have spent years being alone and left for dead. We can take care of them but they will never be fully like any other physical kid so there's always this lack for us which can be very triggering. It sets in motion a lot of grief about betrayal from parents, and missed childhood, isolation, loneliness etc. The things we can offer our children are not enough at those times but we can only do what we can do and it's better than nothing.

If you're going to arrange a meeting, I would suggest to choose/make a neutral spot for this, possibly add things to the room to increase comfort, and to assign a leader, and to think of some ground rules. Some of our ground rules are, -Cant be nice; get out. -Be constructive or quiet. -Don't judge those who cannot (yet) attend, and -Be patient, give each other some space. -Try not to overwhelm since it might scare them away. -Everyone who can agree to the ground rules is welcome at all times, since the room/space is always open. Sticking together is very important cause it allows to overpower the uncooperative one(s). I would also suggest that you start lightly. Starting with a child personality is right at the core of the problems and it might be too much. Having meetings is a whole new challenge on its own.

Just my 2 cents. Peace, E (group-leader)

When I lost my place and had to move, I noticed Cassie got really out of control. Or at least, I thought it was her. She was fussy, she was crying more, she was acting just like a 2 year old. I even bought her a sippy cup because she kept asking for one! Low and behold, one night while watching cartoons, my boyfriend heard Cassie laugh a laugh she'd never had before. It was a typical baby laugh- high pitched and giggly. When he asked her about it, she was confused, and hadn't noticed anything different, nor did she remember laughing. Soon after, Lynn made her first appearance, and boy what an appearance it was.

She is as much of a 2 yr old as any. And she has the ability to unintentionally "lock" all of us other "out" when she's in control. (We think it's because she's not really aware of what's going on so it makes connections with her more difficult). She wants to be held, she wants to not be left alone, she wants to grab anything she wants and shake it up and down, stuff like that. She loves her sippy cup and her binky. Aaaand while she can tell you she has to go potty, it's a 50/50 chance that she'll make it, which was awesome to find out.

Time "out" helps her a lot, especially since my boyfriend doesn't mind her at all. This way, she's able to actually be held and comforted like she wants. Yeah, she can get that from other "inside", but having it "outside" makes it just that much better. Even when I hug myself when she's near the "front", it helps to feel that real physical contact.

Having insiders help you with young alters is a great way to promote communication, teamwork, and helps everyone become closer to everyone else, I think. Though there is not much actual "teamwork" happening concerning our situation. Yeah, but that's because you're the best for the job anyway. This is very true. Rain takes care of Lynn, both inside and as much as she can outside (if Lynn doesn't "lock" us out). She's the main "caretaker" of the system. Along with Lynn she cares for Cassie, and sometimes Ray as well. BUT we're not unfair. Whenever Rain needs or wants a break, one of the older ones, like Kat or myself (usually me), will take Lynn for her (Cassie's usually fairly independent inside). Sometimes, we'll let the twins, Luna and L.C., take Lynn, but they're rarely cooperative, and Rain doesn't like to leave Lynn with them for long (they're teens, what do you expect? Haha).

Lynn threw us for a loop at first, though. I give props to Rain for stepping up before we decided to all have a part in taking care of Lynn (though Rain still prefers to be the main caretaker). It'll just take some time to adjust, but adjusting will happen and is possible. And the baby doesn't have to stay the center of things. Lynn was in the center for a while because, well, she was "new" and fussy and such. But now? Rain takes care of Lynn fairly well, keeping her from being a distraction, and she usually stays in Rain's room. Giving Lynn time "out" helps as well, just as it can help any alter feel better. And though I hated buying them for myself, Lynn's sippy cup and binky have been wonderful, helpful things, especially in calming Lynn down and helping her to adjust as well.

While I don't think I had the "complete" feeling you describe when I became aware of Lynn, I do know that Cassie felt better (at first). Since Lynn was showing a lot of herself through Cassie, when Lynn finally made her own appearance separate from Cassie, Cassie felt more "free" to be herself again- to be 8 yrs old, not 2. (Hope that makes sense). Since Lynn's arrival, however, Cassie has been rather...reluctant on welcoming her. Cassie seems to think that Lynn has no right to miss home and our mom "more" than any of us, especially Cassie herself (Lynn often cries because she wants to go home, and often asks where "momma" is). I think she was also jealous of the attention Lynn was getting from Rain, but most of the hostility Cassie had towards Lynn has died down by now.

Fightforlife wrote:and what kind of reaction it had to other parts taking care of it?

"F*#k this f*#kin bawling brat". That's what I thought. And I won't take care of that annoying thing unless I have to.

I winced, and said to myself "Headphone time...indefinitely". I don't really give a d@mn 'bout the kid, but I'll play babysitter if I have to (though it's sh*tty).

My very first reaction was, "You poor dear, it's alright, come here, sshhh". My opinion of her now? Well...Lynn can be difficult, at times. I will admit, sometimes she can be extremely difficult. But she is simply a confused, young toddler, and I know it shall become less difficult with time (as it has begun to already). When you are able to get past her "fussiness", she can be a joy to care for. At the very least, I am grateful she is obedient. I was able to quickly teach her that she could not be loud in her crying or fussing when she was not here (inside) with me. ~Rain

Thanks for your observations.

Yes I think you are right, we all feel we should be equal in importance with different responsibilities etc. and baby is taking a bit of the front seat at the moment. I think when we look after her etc, she fill find the place in the ranks though. It felt like she was a bigger part to me, because maybe she's been the last to come to be surface and it fills in a lot of blanks for me, and I feel stronger with her there now, than without her.

I feel like the baby, does need a carer of some sort like you describe, it feels like she's without attachment at the moment and why she's not happy. I hope a good bond will form. I hope there is a part of me that can take her on, because she seems so alone and starved and I feel sorry for her. At the moment I think we're still mostly angry and are even ignoring her and isolating her ourselves

Thanks for sharing a bit about your own system. I wonder if our younger ones, will start to make some friends and connections on here too so they don't feel so isolated, it might start to be a way for baby to feel a bit more in a supportive environment too.

Love the ground rules too, I think some similar ones will apply, will see what the rest say,
Bye now,
From mx

Fightforlife wrote:Thanks for your observations.

Yes I think you are right, we all feel we should be equal in importance with different responsibilities etc. and baby is taking a bit of the front seat at the moment. I think when we look after her etc, she fill find the place in the ranks though. It felt like she was a bigger part to me, because maybe she's been the last to come to be surface and it fills in a lot of blanks for me, and I feel stronger with her there now, than without her.

You're welcome.

And I understand those feelings. I had those when I became aware of Shay. She definitely answered a lot of questions and made my life make a lot more sense.

I think every "new" alter takes the front seat for a bit. I know that with every "new" alter I became aware of, for the next week or two they were usually the ones "out" most of the time. I think it's both due to the adjustment stuff and due to excitement that they can actually be "out" again/for the first time.

I'm worried that baby doesn't even want to be out, ie.. Like she has no desire to live or care if she's here on show and that we're all around her. Perhaps she has to get comfortable with us also as well as us adjusting to her. She's definately the one that needs the help, she's so needy and vulnerable. Perhaps she'll reach out to us instead.

I'm sure we'll all sort out this dilemma as we merge a bit more.