Question about Alters???

1. Now that I'm aware of DID, it seems like the 'activity' has picked up with the alters. I feel like the switching is quicker and more intense at times...and more frequent. It seems like they have more control and are showing more of their personality than before too. Before I was aware, thinking back on it now, the switches seemed more seamless/gradual and the personality change from myself to the alter not quite as noticeable. It seems like they're taking more control and showing their personalities much more than they used to and being more of themselves around my husband and I.

I hope I'm making sense! Is this normal or is it just because I'm more aware? Will they start showing their personalities even more, the more comfortable they get? Will they take more control than they are now? I don't believe I really blackout, but I'm wondering if it might get to that...or if I do and don't notice it, if it'll start to become noticeable? My husband knows about the DID so I think that might contribute to it too with them being more comfortable showing more of themselves and who they are bc we're aware of their existence now.

2. I had a 'dream' or a blackout a few days ago. It was black all around, but not dark. I had 3 alters standing to my left and another probably close to 10 standing a little ways behind them watching and observing. They said that I was never ever allowed to go into "The Shadows". She pointed at what she called "The Shadows" and it looked like a scary dark forrest from a fairy tale book off a little ways in the distance. She said that there were a lot of other alters in there...some were too scared/shy to come out to talk to me, some aren't sure if they want to meet me yet, some don't know they're alters...she said the angry/depressed/suicidal ones pretty much stay in there most of the time, and some that are "incomplete". When I 'woke up', I started talking to my husband and could tell I had switched during that 'dream' or blackout or what ever, to an alter who doesn't come out too often.

By "incomplete", I'm guessing that means fragments? Also, what exactly is "The Shadows"? Is it my subconscious? Does anyone else have anything like this with their system, or was it just a weird dream?


Sorry for all the questions lately! I'm still new and confused about all this!

I am having a similar experience. I have recently been diagnosed with and become fully aware of my DID, and since then I have met several of my alters seemingly all at once as well. It was clear that once one came out it was easier for some of the other parts to follow suit. It was kind of overwhelming at first. Lucinda, probably the strongest part I've met so far, said she could see that I (the host) was ready to meet them. She gave all of mine the option to come out if they were ready but there was no pressure, especially on the littles. I'm aware of at least two more who are not ready to meet me yet. But I think I'm ready whenever they are. I'll just wait until they are comfortable.

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:1. Now that I'm aware of DID, it seems like the 'activity' has picked up with the alters. I feel like the switching is quicker and more intense at times...and more frequent. It seems like they have more control and are showing more of their personality than before too. Before I was aware, thinking back on it now, the switches seemed more seamless/gradual and the personality change from myself to the alter not quite as noticeable. It seems like they're taking more control and showing their personalities much more than they used to and being more of themselves around my husband and I.

I hope I'm making sense! Is this normal or is it just because I'm more aware? Will they start showing their personalities even more, the more comfortable they get? Will they take more control than they are now? I don't believe I really blackout, but I'm wondering if it might get to that...or if I do and don't notice it, if it'll start to become noticeable? My husband knows about the DID so I think that might contribute to it too with them being more comfortable showing more of themselves and who they are bc we're aware of their existence now.

This is normal, and still happens to me every time a "new" alter surfaces to my awareness. Freedom is exciting, so is acceptance. So of course alters are going to start coming out more often. It's a mixture of it being more obvious because you're aware, and alters being more free because you're aware. And I'm sure they love the fact that they're not freaking your husband out or have to hide from him or anything.

The more comfortable they become, the more you'll get to know them, and the more obvious they'll become. They'll start to show just how "separate/different" they are from each other and you, and will be themselves more often now that they don't have to hide. They might take control more often, but it's usually out of excitement, and usually it dies down after they get used to the fact that they don't have to hide anymore. If it start to interfere with things, you can always try asking them, verbally or by writing notes, if they can calm down a bit. Maybe you can try to set up certain times where they can freely switch and be "out" as much as they want? That helped with me and my system. That way, they know that you're not trying to make them hide again, you just want them to live up the freedom during appropriate times.

If you don't obviously black out, you might not black out at all, or black outs might become noticeable. It all depends on your system, and it'll take time to find out. I don't black out for major things, though I used to convince myself I did because I didn't like knowing what happened outside of my control. But I've been realizing lately that I think I black out for small things, like certain habits or behaviours. Literally, for like seconds to maybe minutes at a time, so not really noticeable. But for example, I was hanging out with a friend yesterday, we were sitting on the couch, and I was looking for my lighter. I found it stuck under my knee, inbetween my crossed legs. I didn't remember putting it there, but my friend said "You always put stuff under or inbetween you legs". I know I sometimes put my phone halfway under my leg while sitting, but not anything else, and not inbetween crossed legs. I looked confused, so my friend said "I guess it's not you exactly who does that, huh?" (My friend knows about my DID). I was like, "I guess not, 'cause I don't remember doing that all the time with stuff other than my phone". So yeah, you might not black out noticeably at all. Everyone and every system's different.

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:2. I had a 'dream' or a blackout a few days ago. It was black all around, but not dark. I had 3 alters standing to my left and another probably close to 10 standing a little ways behind them watching and observing. They said that I was never ever allowed to go into "The Shadows". She pointed at what she called "The Shadows" and it looked like a scary dark forrest from a fairy tale book off a little ways in the distance. She said that there were a lot of other alters in there...some were too scared/shy to come out to talk to me, some aren't sure if they want to meet me yet, some don't know they're alters...she said the angry/depressed/suicidal ones pretty much stay in there most of the time, and some that are "incomplete". When I 'woke up', I started talking to my husband and could tell I had switched during that 'dream' or blackout or what ever, to an alter who doesn't come out too often.

By "incomplete", I'm guessing that means fragments? Also, what exactly is "The Shadows"? Is it my subconscious? Does anyone else have anything like this with their system, or was it just a weird dream?


Sorry for all the questions lately! I'm still new and confused about all this!

Incomplete could mean fragments, but it could also mean something else, though I'm not sure what. I'd try asking someone inside what that means, if you're able to.

Every system, every "inner world" is different. I doubt anyone else has a place called exactly "The Shadows". It could be your subconscious, it could just be a very dark place near the "back" of your mind. You could always try asking someone inside. When it comes to people's "mental/inner worlds", everyone's is different, though some may be similar, so it's hard to others to answer questions about them.

However, I have a place that my system calls "The Darkness", and it's similar to what you describe. Except mine's not a forest. It's simply a pitch-black area that continues on to who knows where. I think it might be my subconscious. No one in my system likes to go in there, and no one ever does (unless forced there. A time or two Kat or Rain has ventured there willingly when things have been super tough). It's believed that two alters, "Hannibal" and Kyra, "live" there. "Hannibal" is an abusive, manipulative alter who doesn't believe he's a part of me. We don't know his real name, so we named him after "Hannibal "The Cannibal" Lecter" from the Silence of the Lamb movies (he's creepily similar to Anthony Hopkins' character). Kyra is an alter who's kinda...living her own reality "inside" and doesn't know she's a part of me, either. There's rumors that another alter, Cassidy, used to "live" there as well, and she doesn't realize she's got DID yet either (and lives in pretty strong denial about stuff).

UKgal31 wrote:I am having a similar experience. I have recently been diagnosed with and become fully aware of my DID, and since then I have met several of my alters seemingly all at once as well. It was clear that once one came out it was easier for some of the other parts to follow suit. It was kind of overwhelming at first. Lucinda, probably the strongest part I've met so far, said she could see that I (the host) was ready to meet them. She gave all of mine the option to come out if they were ready but there was no pressure, especially on the littles. I'm aware of at least two more who are not ready to meet me yet. But I think I'm ready whenever they are. I'll just wait until they are comfortable.

I would've wrote sooner but I couldn't for the life of me remember my password! How long have you been aware of your DID? I just became aware about 2 weeks ago so everything is still confusing to me...and I agree, it's a bit overwhelming (and frustrating!) in a way! I've always been aware of my alters, I just didn't realize that's what it was!

I'm so glad to hear someone else has had a similar experience! If I would've told anyone else about some of this stuff I probably would have gotten a really odd confusing look with a "Thats just weird!" response lol. So it's nice to know I'm not the only one! I feel like mine had the option of meeting me too in this meeting...the ones in the back seemed a bit too nervous to talk but were curious about me...while the others that weren't ready yet stayed in The Shadows. I have 10 that I know of for sure, but have only talked to 2 and only have a name for 1 of them.

I'm ready when they are too! Yeah, I'm a bit nervous, but excited at the same time! I understand the importance of everyone getting some time being out...it's not fair to them that they've been cooped up for so long not able to fully be themselves...I kind of feel bad. Plus, I would really love to work together so we can be a more functionable person...not sure if that's possible, but it would be nice if it was!

This is normal

Oh, thank you! That's such a reassurance! I feel so lost and alone with all this! Since I don't switch and completely black out and act like Sybill I feel like my husband is a bit skeptical about it still. Your explanation about why things have picked up makes perfect sense, I didn't think of it that way! The 8 year old, Star, seemed over excited to talk to me! I haven't talked to any of them since, though. Something traumatic happened to me in April (which I recently found out I dissociated with and forgot about) and I felt like they weren't coming out as often. I've been complaining to my husband since then that my "autopilot" hasn't come around as much. Now I know what my "autopilot" was

But, I'm curious though, why would they stop coming out so much after that event? I know I was very stressed after it happened (I just didn't know why), but wouldn't they have came out more instead of less after that?

I'm sure they love the fact that they're not freaking your husband out or have to hide from him or anything.

The only alter that has freaked him out is the verbally abusive one. I believe she/he was born the moment he told me he cheated on a second woman he's had an emotional affair with for our entire 6 year marriage and has caused a ton of problems for both of us. It's pure anger, hatred, and emptiness...nothing else...she verbally attacks him in a horrible degrading way and has majority of the control. I have never felt that before! Completely different experience/feelings/behavior for me! That was the first switch he was sure about since we became aware of the DID. She's only been out twice, thank goodness! I think the one writing in my journal was the angry one, though, but I could be wrong. I believe he did recognize that as a switch too. Besides her, he still seems a bit skeptical bc I don't black out and become a whole new person altogether. I think he sees it as 'my' personality changing since I'm co-conscious...so it's not freaking him out...yet! We started watching United States of Tara last night....I think that behavior is what he expects to convince him.

I kind of wish one of them would black me out and take full control in front of my husband and T to give us all some more verifiable proof. I feel like I need this to confirm it to myself (and them), I don't know why? I think it would give me some relief that I'm not making this up.

Maybe you can try to set up certain times where they can freely switch and be "out" as much as they want? They know that you're not trying to make them hide again, you just want them to live up the freedom during appropriate times.

That's a wonderful suggestion! I would love to do it that way! Especially with the littles. I don't want them 'out' especially by themselves unless my husbands home. The 5 year old boy usually only comes out when he's home (unless I'm triggered), but I'm still co-conscious. I've only been able to talk to 2 of them briefly 3 times within a 10 hour period last week so I haven't got the hang of communicating. Sometimes I can tell when one is 'out' but I'm co-conscious so for some reason I blow it off (as I always have) immediately as soon as I realize I'm not myself. After I switch out of it, then I notice just how big the personality change was, and how different I felt. I hope that makes sense? Is that normal too to not notice the extent of the change until after another switch?

If you don't obviously black out, you might not black out at all, or black outs might become noticeable. It all depends on your system, and it'll take time to find out.

I'm not sure what this was? It was almost like a co-conscious/blackout at the same time? Also a good example of how things have picked up too.....I was writing in my online journal after making this post yesterday. I was writing about a parent teacher conference I had the other day. (My husband went on and on to my sons teacher about how great teachers were...I just found out last month he had an affair with a teacher so I felt triggered into a switch, kept my mouth shut, but switched again to the verbally abusive one when we got home and apparently I blew up!) I was writing about how well the first conference went, and was writing just as I am now. When I got to the part where he was running his mouth and I felt the switch, I think I switched while writing it. It went from calm to the f word in every sentence and other profanities I don't use. My husband called and I started to snap out of it, thought I'd check to see if there were any responses to this post but didn't think there would be bc I had just posted it a half hour before, and checked it 10 mins before. When I checked it there was a message and I realized that I had actually posted it about 3 hours before not a half hour like a thought! That as far as I know, was very new to me!!! Both writing the way I did, and not remembering it, and losing that much time. I let my husband read it and he was very disturbed bc he knows that wasn't me that wrote that!

I sometimes put my phone halfway under my leg while sitting, but not anything else, and not inbetween crossed legs.

I do this exact same thing! I always put my lighter inbetween my crossed legs, and my phone half under my leg when I'm sitting! I think I do it bc I have a horrible habit of misplacing/losing everything...and god forbid I lose my phone or my lighter and can't have a smoke when I need it! I go into a panic when I do lol.

But I've been realizing lately that I think I black out for small things, like certain habits or behaviours. So yeah, you might not black out noticeably at all. Everyone and every system's different.

I think this is a good possibility for me, mostly bc I'm always losing so much time and I forget everything! About 2 weeks ago right after I became aware of the DID, I had to tell my husband that I couldn't remember my kids getting off the bus just 2 hours before, but I could remember them getting off the bus the day before. WTF?! I was embarrassed and felt like a horrible mother They were home and safe and all, but he wanted to know how their day went...I always ask them as they get off the bus, but didn't remember any of it

I know everyones system is different....I guess part of me posting and writing so much is I feel like I need some reassurance that it's all normal to go through what I am...and that it's 'real' not imaginary as I thought my whole life. I'm not diagnosed yet either. My T said it could take months or years...and we've really only discussed the DID during our session last week. My next one isn't until next week. I'm impatient to have some validation.

I have a place that my system calls "The Darkness", and it's similar to what you describe.

This is very relieving! I know everyone's going to be different, but it's so nice to know someone has something similar! Where I was at talking to the alters was also pitch black that just continued on...almost like space...there were no walls, ceilings, or floors...but we were standing like we would stand on a floor...and even though it was pitch black, I could see them perfectly! Hannibal just sounds scary! LOL

Thank you for responding! I always love and appreciate hearing from you guys! Everyone is always so nice to me and really fully explains thing! I wish there was a guide out there for people who just became aware of their DID...I haven't found any information online. It's such a sad, lonely, confusing time for me now that I know. It's like WTF do I do now? Where do I start with myself and the alters? I just don't know what to do. I'm so glad I found this forum though! I don't know what I'd do without it!

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:Oh, thank you! That's such a reassurance! I feel so lost and alone with all this! Since I don't switch and completely black out and act like Sybill I feel like my husband is a bit skeptical about it still. Your explanation about why things have picked up makes perfect sense, I didn't think of it that way! The 8 year old, Star, seemed over excited to talk to me! I haven't talked to any of them since, though. Something traumatic happened to me in April (which I recently found out I dissociated with and forgot about) and I felt like they weren't coming out as often. I've been complaining to my husband since then that my "autopilot" hasn't come around as much. Now I know what my "autopilot" was

Sybill is hollywood, neither of you should be looking for those results. You're not lost or alone. Look around you. It's not like this site is full of "Sybills".

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:But, I'm curious though, why would they stop coming out so much after that event? I know I was very stressed after it happened (I just didn't know why), but wouldn't they have came out more instead of less after that?

Not necessarily. Trauma and stress is processed differently depending on the circumstances and situation. The event could've sent them into hiding as a defensive mechanism to help you cope with it better.

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:The only alter that has freaked him out is the verbally abusive one. I believe she/he was born the moment he told me he cheated on a second woman he's had an emotional affair with for our entire 6 year marriage and has caused a ton of problems for both of us. It's pure anger, hatred, and emptiness...nothing else...she verbally attacks him in a horrible degrading way and has majority of the control. I have never felt that before! Completely different experience/feelings/behavior for me! That was the first switch he was sure about since we became aware of the DID. She's only been out twice, thank goodness! I think the one writing in my journal was the angry one, though, but I could be wrong. I believe he did recognize that as a switch too. Besides her, he still seems a bit skeptical bc I don't black out and become a whole new person altogether. I think he sees it as 'my' personality changing since I'm co-conscious...so it's not freaking him out...yet! We started watching United States of Tara last night....I think that behavior is what he expects to convince him.

I highly doubt that she was "born" so late in your life. Splits usually happen in childhood, MAYBE in adolescence, but very, very, VERY rarely in adulthood. She's probably just been projecting everything she deals with onto your husband. I don't doubt that she's taken the job of dealing with all that anger and stuff concerning the emotional cheating, but I do HIGHLY doubt that the initial split of her was caused by that.
Um, while United States of Tara is more correct that Sybill, it's still hollywood. Tell him that not everyone is like that. Just because people may have the same cold, doesn't mean they show the same symptoms. DID is no different, and it's a very personal disorder, so it's going to be different in every person with it. Tell him you're not alone, there's more people out there like you than like Sybill or Tara.

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:I kind of wish one of them would black me out and take full control in front of my husband and T to give us all some more verifiable proof. I feel like I need this to confirm it to myself (and them), I don't know why? I think it would give me some relief that I'm not making this up.

You only think you want that. Be happy with what you have. But if you really want, try writing more. Drawing, maybe. Talking to yourself more. I know the more I talked to my other parts, before I knew they were alters, the more distinctly different they became from me. The more I let them respond to me out loud, the more they got used to using their own voices. And the more I talked to myself in the mirror, the more they got used to "showing" themselves- different facial expressions and such. That, and there's little better validation than different handwritings and such. Have someone call your alters fake. I bet one will come roaring up like I did to show them exactly how f*#king "fake" we are. Yeah, 'cause that's so helpful, Kat. If you can, look into mediation and "letting go" when you feel an alter- if you feel an alter- near or in control. Work on taking yourself out of the picture. It can be hard, but it's possible.

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:That's a wonderful suggestion! I would love to do it that way! Especially with the littles. I don't want them 'out' especially by themselves unless my husbands home. The 5 year old boy usually only comes out when he's home (unless I'm triggered), but I'm still co-conscious. I've only been able to talk to 2 of them briefly 3 times within a 10 hour period last week so I haven't got the hang of communicating. Sometimes I can tell when one is 'out' but I'm co-conscious so for some reason I blow it off (as I always have) immediately as soon as I realize I'm not myself. After I switch out of it, then I notice just how big the personality change was, and how different I felt. I hope that makes sense? Is that normal too to not notice the extent of the change until after another switch?

Try writing notes more, than can help if verbal communication is still a work-in-progress. And be patient, everything with DID takes time.
Look for signs of you not being yourself. MAKE yourself not blow it off, but look into deeper instead. Take notes, even. Learn your "warning signs" for switches- it can help you to start sensing alters' presences and be more aware of them and yourself.
Yes, it makes sense. I've had that happen, but that was back before I knew what was going on (that I had DID). Stop asking if everything's normal. With a personal condition like DID, ANYTHING can be "normal" and anything is possible. Don't be so mean, Kat. But she has a point. It doesn't really help to question what's "normal" for DID, because it's different for every person, so it can be hard to say what's "normal". If it happens to you, just let it happen and make note of it, don't question if it's normal or not. It's happening to you and it's real, who cares if it's "normal"?

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:I'm not sure what this was? It was almost like a co-conscious/blackout at the same time? Also a good example of how things have picked up too.....I was writing in my online journal after making this post yesterday. I was writing about a parent teacher conference I had the other day. (My husband went on and on to my sons teacher about how great teachers were...I just found out last month he had an affair with a teacher so I felt triggered into a switch, kept my mouth shut, but switched again to the verbally abusive one when we got home and apparently I blew up!) I was writing about how well the first conference went, and was writing just as I am now. When I got to the part where he was running his mouth and I felt the switch, I think I switched while writing it. It went from calm to the f word in every sentence and other profanities I don't use. My husband called and I started to snap out of it, thought I'd check to see if there were any responses to this post but didn't think there would be bc I had just posted it a half hour before, and checked it 10 mins before. When I checked it there was a message and I realized that I had actually posted it about 3 hours before not a half hour like a thought! That as far as I know, was very new to me!!! Both writing the way I did, and not remembering it, and losing that much time. I let my husband read it and he was very disturbed bc he knows that wasn't me that wrote that!

I've experienced that before, where it's like co-consciousness but blacking out at the same time. It's hard to describe. It's kinda like...lucid dreaming but being unable to wake yourself up. You know you're dreaming, you may or may not be able to change anything in your dream, and you're unable to wake yourself up but when you do finally wake up, you may or may not remember the dream, and if you do remember the dream, you might not remember many details (such as time passing).
Your husband sounds like a real f*#king catch. You sure he's not making your DID worse? It doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship you're in, and that can worsen your condition. Everyone deserves a healthy environment, and that include healthy relationships. If an aspect of that environment, such as a relationship, is unhealthy, it can affect things, and needs to be fixed or left or something. SOMETHING NEEDS TO CHANGE TO MAKE THAT ENVIRONMENT HEALTHY. Otherwise, you're going to have a hard time healing. Healing is hard in an unhealthy environment.
Shut up, Kat. (Though she does kinda have a point...but I don't know the whole situation so I can't say much about it).
Oh and another thing- it WAS you who wrote it. It was a PART of YOU that wrote that diary entry. So there should be nothing f*#king disturbing about it. Especially since that type of reaction is perfectly f*#king normal considering you have a disloyal husband. I think your verbally abusive part isn't verbally abusive at all- she's reacting normally considering the situation. I bet she and I would get along just fine, too.

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:I think this is a good possibility for me, mostly bc I'm always losing so much time and I forget everything! About 2 weeks ago right after I became aware of the DID, I had to tell my husband that I couldn't remember my kids getting off the bus just 2 hours before, but I could remember them getting off the bus the day before. WTF?! I was embarrassed and felt like a horrible mother They were home and safe and all, but he wanted to know how their day went...I always ask them as they get off the bus, but didn't remember any of it

I know everyones system is different....I guess part of me posting and writing so much is I feel like I need some reassurance that it's all normal to go through what I am...and that it's 'real' not imaginary as I thought my whole life. I'm not diagnosed yet either. My T said it could take months or years...and we've really only discussed the DID during our session last week. My next one isn't until next week. I'm impatient to have some validation.

Yeah, I'd say you lose time in the sense of you lose an hour, minutes, seconds- stuff that's not always noticeable. Don't worry- none of this makes you a horrible mother.

This whole site should be enough validation for you, but yes, what you're going through is real and as "normal" as similarities between peoples' DID can be. Again- if it's happening to you, it's real, and remember that DID is a personal condition, so anything can be "normal" and anything can be possible. Um, months or years for a diagnosis? That doesn't sound quite right.... Or did he mean months or years to heal? Because that's correct. I can see maybe months for a diagnosis, not years.

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:This is very relieving! I know everyone's going to be different, but it's so nice to know someone has something similar! Where I was at talking to the alters was also pitch black that just continued on...almost like space...there were no walls, ceilings, or floors...but we were standing like we would stand on a floor...and even though it was pitch black, I could see them perfectly! Hannibal just sounds scary! LOL

For us, it's pitch-black even to us. We can't see anything or anyone. It's the type of darkness that muffles sound, even. It just swallows everything.
Yeah...we have a couple scary ones, but we know they're scary for a reason, and that they're a part of us, so they're not that scary. (Well, when we think about it they're not. When we're faced with them, we can still get scared).

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:Thank you for responding! I always love and appreciate hearing from you guys! Everyone is always so nice to me and really fully explains thing! I wish there was a guide out there for people who just became aware of their DID...I haven't found any information online. It's such a sad, lonely, confusing time for me now that I know. It's like WTF do I do now? Where do I start with myself and the alters? I just don't know what to do. I'm so glad I found this forum though! I don't know what I'd do without it!

Try Tylas' sites, they're great reading even though they might not exactly be a guide of what to do, they'll certainly be helpful: http://www.dissociative-identity-disorder.org/
http://www.dissociative-identity-disorder.net/

Tylas is one of our own, and she's done a great job making these helpful sites and getting them approved by a professional (not sure if the approval's done yet for both of them, though. But they're still the most trusted sites for me).

At least your therapist is willing to consider this option and work with you on it. Except for the past 3 years (whenever I found this site), I did all the progress I've made by myself. Yeah, therapy helped other issues, like PTSD, anger management, and self-harming, but I wasn't in therapy specifically for my DID (mainly because I had someone skeptical nearly refuse to even put down "possible DID" in my diagnosis), so that was never brought up or treated itself. I didn't have this site or anything. All I had was what I learned about DID in general in psychology class, the research I did on my own, and taking what I could use from therapy to help individual issues which helped overall issues. (Not trying to be that person that's like "Shut up 'cause I had it worse" or anything like that. I'm just saying to count your blessings and realize that you're actually very lucky with what you do have for help/resources).

As for where you start- start like how you'd get to know any other new person. The only difference is that you're getting to know "new" parts of yourself. Constant, consistent attempts at communication. Ask names, ages, likes, dislikes, hobbies, etc. Get to know your alters as best you can- it'll help with communication and everything else. The more you know about your alters, the more you can understand them, and the more you can all start working together (and be aware of each other).

Sybill is hollywood

After reading about it, I realized that Sybill was just hollywood. When I read what it actually felt like to have alters, I knew immediately that I probably had DID. The more I read, the more sure I was. Before reading about it though, I assumed it was like Sybill. Boy, was I wrong!

The event could've sent them into hiding as a defensive mechanism to help you cope with it better.

That makes sense! It was closely related to the trauma I had as a child so I can see now why that would have sent them into hiding...and I don't blame them. I wish I could've...I just repressed it and forgot about it.

I highly doubt that she was "born" so late in your life.

I agree. I was thinking about this yesterday and I think she's always been around. Maybe I just don't remember her coming out in the past or maybe she hasn't come out until now. I've just never felt like that until that first time a few weeks ago...not that I can remember anyway.

Um, while United States of Tara is more correct that Sybill, it's still hollywood.

I watched the first 2 episodes on my own before I had him watch it with me. I did explain to him before we watched it that my DID is not like that...at least not now anyway. But I thought it would be something fun we could watch together to involve him in this a little more. I have a really hard time putting how DID feels so I'm collecting info from online to send to him so he might understand better. Others who have been aware longer have a better, clearer way of explaining it than I do.

Talking to yourself more. I know the more I talked to my other parts, before I knew they were alters, the more distinctly different they became from me.

I've always talked to them I just didn't know what they were. I assumed they were me. When I was 5 I asked my mom about the voices in my head and she told me it was just my conscious. But mom, they sound different and try to get me to do things I'm not allowed to do. Again it was just my conscious and we don't talk about it or else someone will take me away from my mommy and daddy and I'll be locked up in a hospital. So, I never spoke of it again and convinced myself it was me.

We do argue a lot, always have. Eh, well, more of difference of opinions. Like what to wear, what clothes to buy, what to eat. Or when I get upset I have one that tells me I'm worthless, and another that tells me I'm awesome. I've always been aware of this...just thought it was me.

Have someone call your alters fake. I bet one will come roaring up like I did to show them exactly how f*#king "fake" we are.

LOL actually Kat, I told my mom and my grandma about this the other day (why? I have no idea bc they were the last people on earth I'd want to know right now). Both of them insisted I didn't have DID. My mom was convinced I was pranking her bc it was Halloween. I ended up half cussing both of them out. Don't remember what was said but I know I feel bad about it now. And I never cuss in front of them, let alone to them. I rarely use profanities anyways. The next day my mom called to ask how many personalities I have lol. I'm glad you said that, bc I think that's exactly what happened now that I think about it!

Stop asking if everything's normal. With a personal condition like DID, ANYTHING can be "normal" and anything is possible.

Hey, it's still all new to me! Within a period of 4 weeks I found out my husband had 2 affairs, I had repressed memories of traumatic events that I had no idea ever existed resurface, and became aware of my DID. I feel like I've been hit in the face by a f*cking mac truck. Too much f*cking bullsh*t for me to f*cking deal with in just 4 weeks. I feel like my entire life has been one big piece of sh*t lie....so yeah I'm pretty f*cking p*ssed and confused right now, and I think i have the f*cking right to be. I just like my own experiences validated to make sure I'm not making this up. Obviously I'm having some denial issues with this and I suppose it's my way of helping me accept it. I do love it when you guys write me, bc it makes me feel better, more secure, and more accepting of it. You help me realize that what I'm going through is real. It's not 'normal' I seek...just that these DID experiences that I have had, but haven't read about, is DID, and not something I'm making up. Maybe it is 'normal' I'm looking for. I've never been normal, I've never fit in anywhere, I've never had friends, my family is 1000 miles away. I have no one (besides my husband and kids). I don't even leave my house but rarely. If all this DID stuff is real, and it's considered as 'normal' in the DID community...then I feel 'normal', I feel like I finally fit in somewhere. I hope that makes sense!

Your husband sounds like a real f*#king catch. You sure he's not making your DID worse?

Yeaa, real f*cking catch is a great way to put it. He's a f*ccking arrogant assh*le do*che bag and i dont know why the f*ck we're here but we are. he's made us f*cking miserable for 6 years and he did make the DID worse. if he wouldve just kept his d*ck in his pants we wouldn't f*cking be here right now wiggin out and everything would just be the way it's always been...hidden. ive been saying for years "what the f*ck were you thinking marrying this piece of sh*t and why the f*ck dont you just leave his worthless @ss?! way to go dipsh*t you really got yourself a f*cking winner. i ######6 told you not to do it but you never f*cking listen." gotta give him some credit tho we havent done sh*t around here in over a month bc he's doing everything. we deserve the f*cking break tho for once. he hasn't even been b*ching about it big f*cking accomplishment for him i'm f*cking amazed.

I think your verbally abusive part isn't verbally abusive at all- she's reacting normally considering the situation. I bet she and I would get along just fine, too.

He deserves to be f*cking verbally abused plus some after everything he's put us through all these years! But wtf ever all i can really do is cuss his b*tch ass out when she can't. she's such a f*ckin p*ssy never stands up for herself its annyoing as all hell. how do u just let someone beat on u emotionally and not f*cking stand up for ur self. makes no f*cking sense to me at all. im not puttin up with the sh*t anymore i'm done. he's gonna have to deal with my f*cking b*tch attitude bc someone needs to start standing up for us. his abusive bullsh*t is too much.

and yes i think we would get along f*cking fantastically!

Um, months or years for a diagnosis?

I could be wrong, I really wasn't all there during our session...I only remember a few small pieces of it. I'll have to ask her again when I go in next week.

I'm just saying to count your blessings and realize that you're actually very lucky with what you do have for help/resources.

Yes, I understand what you mean! I don't know what I would do without this site! I love going through the threads reading about others experiences. It's 100x's more informational than the generic crap I find on sites like WebMD.

As for where you start- start like how you'd get to know any other new person.

Part of my problem is that I'm not sure how to do that. I've been sheltered from people my whole life, I'm a hermit. I almost consider myself to have a fear of people. As for this though, you are right, I do need to try to get to know them. I'm aware of quite a few, but only have a name for one so far. I need to sit down and spend some more time trying to get to know them...get some names at least. I do need to work on that!

Thank you for all of your insight! It was very helpful!

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:I agree. I was thinking about this yesterday and I think she's always been around. Maybe I just don't remember her coming out in the past or maybe she hasn't come out until now. I've just never felt like that until that first time a few weeks ago...not that I can remember anyway.

Sometimes, it can take a while before you're able to "receive" emotional waves that your alters are "sending out". I know that even though I'm now fully aware of Shay, I've only fully felt her emotions a couple of times. Usually it's just flashes of emotions, mostly confusion, and it only happens when she's "near", not "out" (usually when an alter's "out", I can feel their emotions more easily while in the "background").

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:I watched the first 2 episodes on my own before I had him watch it with me. I did explain to him before we watched it that my DID is not like that...at least not now anyway. But I thought it would be something fun we could watch together to involve him in this a little more. I have a really hard time putting how DID feels so I'm collecting info from online to send to him so he might understand better. Others who have been aware longer have a better, clearer way of explaining it than I do.

I can understand that
Be careful, though. The further along you get, the more triggering episodes become. I think it's like the 3rd season where you have to start really being careful. Definitely read the summaries of each episode before you watch it if you're able to (though sometimes they don't give you a good enough idea/warning, so still be careful).

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:I've always talked to them I just didn't know what they were. I assumed they were me. When I was 5 I asked my mom about the voices in my head and she told me it was just my conscious. But mom, they sound different and try to get me to do things I'm not allowed to do. Again it was just my conscious and we don't talk about it or else someone will take me away from my mommy and daddy and I'll be locked up in a hospital. So, I never spoke of it again and convinced myself it was me.

We do argue a lot, always have. Eh, well, more of difference of opinions. Like what to wear, what clothes to buy, what to eat. Or when I get upset I have one that tells me I'm worthless, and another that tells me I'm awesome. I've always been aware of this...just thought it was me.

I used to think it was just me, too. Though I never asked anyone about my voices because I thought it was just normal. I finally asked my friends one time in like 8th grade and they looked at me like I was a weirdo and was like "Um, no, we don't have that. I don't think that's normal". And then I never brought it up again, but I kept talking to myself/my alters.
Try talking to them by name (as you learn them, of course). Or even talking to them by description, such as what you have in your signature. Talking definitely helps, and if you get used to recognizing who you're talking to, and being able to talk to a certain alter on demand, it can greatly help communication as a whole.

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:LOL actually Kat, I told my mom and my grandma about this the other day (why? I have no idea bc they were the last people on earth I'd want to know right now). Both of them insisted I didn't have DID. My mom was convinced I was pranking her bc it was Halloween. I ended up half cussing both of them out. Don't remember what was said but I know I feel bad about it now. And I never cuss in front of them, let alone to them. I rarely use profanities anyways. The next day my mom called to ask how many personalities I have lol. I'm glad you said that, bc I think that's exactly what happened now that I think about it!

Yeah, it sounds like someone got mad and let everyone know. Kat definitely takes some joy in scaring people into believing when they dare to call any of us fake.
What's not to enjoy about watching someone realize they're playing with fire and will get burned if they're not careful?

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:Hey, it's still all new to me! Within a period of 4 weeks I found out my husband had 2 affairs, I had repressed memories of traumatic events that I had no idea ever existed resurface, and became aware of my DID. I feel like I've been hit in the face by a f*cking mac truck. Too much f*cking bullsh*t for me to f*cking deal with in just 4 weeks. I feel like my entire life has been one big piece of sh*t lie....so yeah I'm pretty f*cking p*ssed and confused right now, and I think i have the f*cking right to be. I just like my own experiences validated to make sure I'm not making this up. Obviously I'm having some denial issues with this and I suppose it's my way of helping me accept it. I do love it when you guys write me, bc it makes me feel better, more secure, and more accepting of it. You help me realize that what I'm going through is real. It's not 'normal' I seek...just that these DID experiences that I have had, but haven't read about, is DID, and not something I'm making up. Maybe it is 'normal' I'm looking for. I've never been normal, I've never fit in anywhere, I've never had friends, my family is 1000 miles away. I have no one (besides my husband and kids). I don't even leave my house but rarely. If all this DID stuff is real, and it's considered as 'normal' in the DID community...then I feel 'normal', I feel like I finally fit in somewhere. I hope that makes sense!

Never said you didn't have a right to be. Just said to stop asking if everything was "normal". Of course, you don't have to. It just kinda gets annoying to me (to ME, not any of the others) to keep reading after everything "Is this normal? Is this normal? Is this normal?" Idk. Guess it kinda reminds me of a little kid being like "What's that? What's this? What's that?"
Oh, and don't take that the wrong f*#king way. I'm not saying you can't ask about sh*t. Just maybe...have some variation? Like instead of asking "Is this normal?" just ask "Has anyone else experienced anything similar"? Of course, you don't have to, it's just a suggestion.
I'm glad you feel like you fit in here, because you definitely do! I had the same feeling of relief when I realized that my experiences were considered "normal" within this community, and I was so happy to feel like I truly, fully belonged somewhere! So I understand where you're coming from.

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:Yeaa, real f*cking catch is a great way to put it. He's a f*ccking arrogant assh*le do*che bag and i dont know why the f*ck we're here but we are. he's made us f*cking miserable for 6 years and he did make the DID worse. if he wouldve just kept his d*ck in his pants we wouldn't f*cking be here right now wiggin out and everything would just be the way it's always been...hidden. ive been saying for years "what the f*ck were you thinking marrying this piece of sh*t and why the f*ck dont you just leave his worthless @ss?! way to go dipsh*t you really got yourself a f*cking winner. i ######6 told you not to do it but you never f*cking listen." gotta give him some credit tho we havent done sh*t around here in over a month bc he's doing everything. we deserve the f*cking break tho for once. he hasn't even been b*ching about it big f*cking accomplishment for him i'm f*cking amazed.

Sounds like you need to dump this d*ck. 'Cause no healing will happen with a f*#king @$$hole like that around. He's causing an unhealthy environment, and unhealthy relationship, and he deserves to be f*#king castrated and beat to sh*t (which I'd gladly do, because you don't deserve to be treated this way- none of you do).
For whoever's deciding to stay with this f*#king @$$hole- don't be like one of those abused women who call the cops on their husband after they get beaten to sh*t, but then don't let the cops take him away and don't press charges because they think they love him and that he loves them. That's a road you don't want to go down, but you're going to if you don't get yourself away from this f*#king pr*ck. I know all this is hard to take in, and I know it's been a lot to take it, but you have to get yourself out of this unhealthy thing you call a relationship ASAP. You're hurting yourself by staying, and you'll never be able to truly get healthy by staying in an unhealthy environment/relationship.

**Possible trigger, mentions of rape/rapist**

Cassandra had the gull, once upon a time, to dump a tolerable boyfriend (Rebel f*#king loved him, still does I bet) and date her rapist instead. Her best friend raped us in high school, and because Cassandra felt like it was her fault, it wasn't rape because she didn't stop it, she didn't deserve anyone better, all that bullsh*t, she dumped the good guy she was with and went to date her rapist. They dated off and on for 2 years, and she wanted to try to continue it when he went to college! I was like "No way in f*#king h3ll, I'm done with this sh*t", and I made her break it off. With him leaving for college, she was able to realize (since he wasn't there/with her) the mistakes she'd made and how bad of a decision it would've been to try and continue the so-called relationship they had (myself, Rebel, and L.C. made her cheat on him a lot because we didn't care, he was the rapist, like we're really going to be loyal to that @$$).

**End possible trigger**

You might have to do the same with this pr*ck, once the others are ready to, of course. Sometimes, to take care of our host and ourselves, we have to step up and just do what needs to be done ourselves. And this @$$ needs to be left in the dust.

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:He deserves to be f*cking verbally abused plus some after everything he's put us through all these years! But wtf ever all i can really do is cuss his b*tch ass out when she can't. she's such a f*ckin p*ssy never stands up for herself its annyoing as all hell. how do u just let someone beat on u emotionally and not f*cking stand up for ur self. makes no f*cking sense to me at all. im not puttin up with the sh*t anymore i'm done. he's gonna have to deal with my f*cking b*tch attitude bc someone needs to start standing up for us. his abusive bullsh*t is too much.

and yes i think we would get along f*cking fantastically!

Good!! You shouldn't be putting up with that bullsh*t anymore! That's how Cassandra started to notice me! I decided I wasn't going to put up with our dad's bullsh*t any f*#king longer, I wasn't going to let Cassandra just lay there like a doormat and let us get walked on. So I became the f*#king backbone that stood up for us when she couldn't, and I still hold that role today. Stand up for yourself as much as you f*#king can! Fight with all you got! Because in the end, you'll be the last one standing, and the others will thank you for getting them out of that crappy situation.

I'd say we're already getting along f*#king fantastically.

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:I could be wrong, I really wasn't all there during our session...I only remember a few small pieces of it. I'll have to ask her again when I go in next week.

That's ok. It just doesn't seem right to me that it should take years. Months, maybe, but even that sounds odd. I just didn't want you getting stuck with some therapist that doesn't really know what they're doing, and if they say it'll take that long for a diagnosis, that could be a warning sign.

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:Part of my problem is that I'm not sure how to do that. I've been sheltered from people my whole life, I'm a hermit. I almost consider myself to have a fear of people. As for this though, you are right, I do need to try to get to know them. I'm aware of quite a few, but only have a name for one so far. I need to sit down and spend some more time trying to get to know them...get some names at least. I do need to work on that!

Thank you for all of your insight! It was very helpful!

Ah, social anxiety. I understand that all too well. And the twins have kinda made me a shut-in lately, so I can sorta understand where you're coming from (the girl twins, Luna and L.C., are rather antisocial and very much loners).
Try writing up questions for yourself to ask them, either verbally or in written notes. Things like "What's your name? What's your favorite color? What food do you like? What do you like to do?" etc. Knowing more means you can understand more, and understanding more helps with everything- especially communication and awareness.
I'm glad we could be helpful! Thank you for sharing all that you do! I'm so glad you found this place. Sounds like it's very needed right now, and it's here for you, along with everyone here. *hugs if wanted*

It just kinda gets annoying to me. Guess it kinda reminds me of a little kid being like "What's that? What's this? What's that?"

It's quite annoying to me too! You describe exactly how I'm feeling...like a scared, lost, confused, little kid. Is that normal? (LMAO! totally jk! Had to throw that in there!) Not all the time, though. Right now I feel ok, but yesterday that's how I felt. It comes and goes throughout the day. I hate it.

Oh, and don't take that the wrong f*#king way.

Didn't take it the wrong way! Didn't mean to sound like I did...I think my angry teenager threw her 2 cents in for a sec...she cusses like a truck driver. I don't cuss but rarely, so if I do, it's probably her runnin her mouth. I do understand what your saying though about the variation, and your right, I should work on that. Actually, I really just need to work on the denial of it.

He deserves to be f*#king castrated and beat to sh*t (which I'd gladly do, because you don't deserve to be treated this way- none of you do).

That's exactly what my verbally abusive one said to him!

For whoever's deciding to stay with this f*#king @$$hole

That would be me...Danielle, the host. Why? I really have no idea. I think it's a co-dependant thing at this point. One of the alters has filed for divorce twice, but I haven't followed through. Once 2 years ago, and again in September. I just can't go through with it, I don't know why. He's been really good since I found out about his affairs though. I've been completely unfunctionable from everything that's happened. He's doing all the cooking, cleaning, everything, and not complaining about it, so that's kind of nice. I just can't do it right now...so I'm enjoying the break for once. Plus, I couldn't handle moving 1000 miles away and being a single mom to 2 boys right now. I haven't decided to go or stay with him...but I'm just taking it one day at a time. My T said it's probably not a good idea to make such a big life change right now under the circumstances...so I've just put everything on hold for the time being.

You might have to do the same with this pr*ck, once the others are ready to, of course. Sometimes, to take care of our host and ourselves, we have to step up and just do what needs to be done ourselves. And this @$$ needs to be left in the dust.

I figure it'll happen eventually, someone will take over and end it. All that's left now is submitting the financial, taking a class, and scheduling a court date...so it wouldn't be hard for one of us to finish it off.

You shouldn't be putting up with that bullsh*t anymore!

Yeah, she doesn't put up with any of it anymore. If she even thinks he's getting out of line she'll take over, cuss him out, and put him back in his place...it's kind of funny sometimes

I'd say we're already getting along f*#king fantastically.

LOL yes, it sounds like you two get along perfectly. I think she's sleeping or something right now...she usually doesn't come out until afternoon sometime...and she stays up pretty late.

I just didn't want you getting stuck with some therapist that doesn't really know what they're doing, and if they say it'll take that long for a diagnosis, that could be a warning sign.

Yes, I'll talk to her about this on Thursday. She seemed knowledgable about DID, but I don't believe she has any experience with it. I think she's just a general family/marriage counselor. I'd like to get a formal evaluation or something for this...I'm not really sure of the process for diagnosis....but I'm a bit reluctant to switch T when it comes to the actual counseling part. So, I'll be talking to her about my options on Thursday and see what kind of experience she has with this, if any.

Sounds like it's very needed right now, and it's here for you, along with everyone here. *hugs if wanted*

Thank you! It is needed, and hugs wanted! *hugs back*. I hate not having anyone to talk to. That's part of why I am the way I am. I've never had anyone to talk to, and I still don't. Well, besides this forum, and myself, but you know what I mean!

I was lead to this thread and now I'm being told what to type by something/"someone".

Anyway, the voice is saying this: "Just wanted to let you know we haven't forgotten you, we just haven't been able to reply lately. Danielle, though I agree with the angry teen that your "hubby" needs to be kicked out, it sounds like you've worked out something to last until you're able to kick him out, so that's cool. Long as you're not letting him treat you like sh*t anymore or anything like that until you can leave him, that's all I cared about. Anyway, we'll be around when we're able to."

Um. Yeah. Guess that's all "I" had to say.

~Kyra (13 yr old)