Dissociation and Violence: "Suicidal and Homicidal Intent"

I have an issue that's new to me. I've dissociated before but not like this, not to this extent. I am absolutely terrified.

Last Wednesday, a week ago, I got into one of my moods of totally unbearable loneliness. This happens often and I'm used to it, but it's terribly acute all the time. In a frenzy I tried to ring all of my few friends and most of them weren't available or couldn't talk. (Hmmm!) I was crying totally hysterically for ages, but most of it I don't remember.

The next bit I definitely don't remember. All I remember is one of the nurses, Pete his name is, sitting down at the foot of my bed and me crying absolutely hysterically and the colour red in front of my eyes. Everything shaded red. Perhaps something symbolic and subconcious, Jungian???

So I continued on my merry (miserable) way, until on Friday my psychologist and a nurse came to tell me why I wasn't allowed leave, which had confused me. I remember it only vaguely, but somehow they told me that:

a. On Wednesday night I had told Pete the nurse that I was planning to go on leave and kill three friends and then kill myself, "to show them how much I care about them".
b. Said nurse apparently had a discussion with me about it the next morning, which I don't remember.
c. A doctor apparently had a discussion with me about it on the Friday, which I don't remember.

Said nurse told another nurse that I had "totally clear plan and intent", and "was able to reply to questions about it in detail". Also: I had been listening to the song "Kim" by Eminem on repeat every day that week for about 20 times a day.

And that's why they didn't allow me leave that weekend.

I AM ######6 TERRIFIED.

I have experienced about five episodes of dissociation before, about six months ago, but where I could at least vaguely remember. It mostly involved me floating about touching things to try and ground myself. People told me I looked like I was on drugs. They drug-checked me too, because my pupils were dilated a few times. I couldn't talk to anyone and everything felt very weird. I felt outside of my body, and my vision changed too.

This dissociation is entirely different. Complete memory loss, on three different occasions. I am terrified.

Please help, anyone?????

Can I point you to the dissociative identity forum? I think what you have to say will ring true to many of us there. I'm struggling at the moment with formulating responses but I know that you will get some replies over there?