distrested, lost, hopeless, alone, confused, scared etc....

I feel so horrid...

Ive still not put the tree up, ive got to tidy first to put it up and i cant muster enfusiasum for it, christmas is feeling like a big inconveiniance. That worries me... its supposed to be the thing that was going to get me through the festive period (and not seeing my councelor) a bit of festive cheer. Im usually the mega festive person who has there tree up on the 1st, makes cookies and plays christmas music non stop. Ive alsways loved christmas. To have the chance to make it really nice which it never was when i was a kid.... But no amount of christmas music or cookies is pulling me out of this funk.

My relastionship with my partner (and baby's father) feels rocky... I feel confused and uneasy about it.. He seems distant, likke hes all ways holding something back. We started going to relationship councelling togeather after i found flirty txts to another girl, but gave up now as christmas is expensive, and he didnt really want to be there, and was avoiding all the questions and redirecting them back to me..

Last week i didnt go out at all. Didnt see my cpn, or my councellor, im booked to see my cpn tomorow but some how we've double booked it with my councelling. I forced myself out yesturday to do some christmas shopping (spent far, far to much, more than i have) Then went to the pub for a few drinks, and some food.. ened up almost sobbing in the toilet cubical, but couldnt.
Anxietys been really bad with heart pulps that give me a winded feeling, and constant checking of everything around me,...
I also have something else big going on... to do with childhood abuse. Which everyone keeps saying is the reason i get like this. But swear to god i dont think it is..

I feels so so lonley and despairing. And want to cry my eyes out 90% of my day, but cant like ive forgotten how to cry..

I want to lye down, and just give up, or run for the hills... But i cant, i musnt, but I dont konw what else to do..
Ive got to at least get past the festive period, how?

Miss-messy, it's going to be ok! How about just doing half the stuff you're supposed to do for housework, the more important things for example?
How about buying cool stuff for the house and nice holiday food? Nothing expensive, just pretty decorations and any kind of Christmas food you like a lot.

Thank you for your reply jasmin i appreciate it, really sorry i havn't got back to say so until now.

Thought although its almost a month later i'd get back to say you were right..
Things turned out okay. I got through it and the horrid feelings pretty much passed.. And the panic attacks went from almost everyday to none at all. Councellor gave me some coping tips and things to help me get through it. Went to the doctors and got some valium for prn, not really used it much, treating it like gold dust as i dont want to become reliant. So if all else fails i pop a pill
Didnt see my cpn havn't spoken to her at all so have no idea whats happened there. I suppose im being taken of her books

Feeling quite edgy again now though, but things dont feel as bad as then...

Hey, I'm glad things aren't as bad as before! I wonder what your cpn's deal is...

What do you do to take the edge off a bit?

No idea what’s going on with my cpn. Trying not to let myself get sucked into caring. I'm doing fine without.

Lately I’ve been trying meditation and mindfulness. I downloaded a guided meditation app to my phone. My counsellor has given me something like juggling, and explained how the concentration it takes to learn to juggle leaves no concentration left for the intrusive thoughts. All these things need peace and quiet to practise, which is quite hard with a two year old running about! So I mostly wrap myself up in a blanket and hope and wait for it to pass. Which it does...

Sorry for the late reply again.
I'll answer you other post now (in the nightmare forum)

Hmm, I'm glad the meditation and mindfulness are working!