Help me. I can't take this anymore ..

Hey guys, hope you're all doing okay. I have just joined this forum.

I have been suffering with DPD and derealization for about two or so years.

I have always been depressed due to my childhood, but depression hit me really hard when I was about 16 (I am now 18). I ended up dropping out of college, and it got to the point where I wouldn't leave my room/house/wash for days. I used to have constant suicidal ideation, staring at the train tracks imagining jumping on to them, and my left arm and right thigh are literally COVERED in self harm scars.

It is around this time that I noticed the DPD/derealization. Due to the DPD/DR, I can't even remember what it was like to not feel like this, so I can't really remember when I first noticed it. I feel like there's a glass pane between me and the world. I feel like I can't see. I feel like I don't recognise myself, my family or my surroundings. I see videos or pictures of myself and don't feel like that's me. I feel like my limbs don't belong to me. When I stare into the mirror, I feel like I'm looking at someone else - a stranger. The world seems 2D. There seems to be a fog in front of my eyes. Colours aren't the same. I feel like I'm looking through everything. I feel invisible. I don't feel like my boyfriend is with me, I feel like he's with some other girl. I don't recognise my voice. When I speak, it's like it's coming from someone else. I feel like a robot, on auto-pilot, a puppet. I can't remember anything. Something can happen, and seconds later, I don't know whether I imagined it or not. I keep having memories of how I used to feel, old fleeting feelings of being alive but it's like it's a million light years ahead of me and I can't grasp it. I don't recognise my writing. I write things, have conversations, say things and don't remember saying them. My memories and sense of self feel fake. I don't feel like I'm really here. I feel like I'm in a dreamland. I feel like I'm floating. I feel like I haven't even got a body sometimes. I don't feel like me?!!

This feeling never goes, even when I try to distract myself, or don't think about it. It's always there. Always. I haven't felt normal in at least 2 years. It only gets worse, not better. It's really bad at this present moment. I'm crying because I am just so damned scared and sick of this.

I can't ######6 do this anymore. Help me, please. I don't even care about being happy anymore, I'll keep my depression, whatever. I just want to feel real again!! I'm terrified, and I don't know if I'll ever feel real or normal again. It's ruining my life.

Well you have all the classic symptoms everyone else has. nothing new here. First of all you are not alone, even if it feels like it. Trust me. I wish i could tell you that there was an easy cure for depersanolization but there is none. I will speak from my experience and things i have learned form other people who were cured. First of all stop being so pessimistic. In order to beat this you need to have a positive outlook. Stop all this suicide and cutting yourself #######4. get rid of these stupid and pathetic ideas. You need to be strong.
The key to success is to overcome the fear. Never, and i cant tress this enough, never give up. You are a human person and you deserve your life. don't give up on it. Remember - depersonalization is temporary. If you will be melancholic all the time it will make the process of healing much slower - years. If on the other hand you will have a happy outlook on things - it will happen much faster.
So, my first advice is - don't use medication and therapies. Experience shows that they don't work and in some cases do things even worse.
Second - cheer up. Many other people had situations even worse but, by being strong, they managed to overcome it.
Third - go outside. start socializing. I know it feels weird to do so, but NEVER stay at home, where all you do is whine and focus on just how bad you feel. If you start going out you will see that you will start to pay much less attention to dp. Do whatever you enjoy - sports, walks in the park, even parties with lots of friends.
Educate yourself - try to understand why is this happening in your life and why you are suffering from depression and all of that $#%^. Try to understand those things and start to work on yourself. This is vital if you want to overcome all of your emotional problems. You need to work on yourslef - do all the things you wanted to do before - let it be music, art, sports, read more books. Constant self-improvement is crucial.
Here is a very important information you need to know.
http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.p ... ring-dpdr/
THis is exactingly what you need to know and to do in order to overcome dp. This information is collected from people who have beaten the illness.
If you want to know my personal opinion on what causes dp in a more philosophical and spiritual way and just thoughts that helped me to overcome dp, you can read my report. i believe i have found some very interesting things that everyone should know of. http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.p ... experince/

To sum up the things - Just try to stop being so sad all the time. Throw out all the thoughts about suicide. And stop hurting yourself. If you do that again know that it is making very sad.
Get a hobby that you will enjoy - preferably that involves some socializing and not staying at home in front of your computer.
Try to work on yourself.
Smile more often - it will help you in the time of trouble. besides it makes you look very pretty. I am sure of that.
I believe in you.

CameraEye wrote:Well you have all the classic symptoms everyone else has. nothing new here. First of all you are not alone, even if it feels like it. Trust me. I wish i could tell you that there was an easy cure for depersanolization but there is none. I will speak from my experience and things i have learned form other people who were cured. First of all stop being so pessimistic. In order to beat this you need to have a positive outlook. Stop all this suicide and cutting yourself #######4. get rid of these stupid and pathetic ideas. You need to be strong.
The key to success is to overcome the fear. Never, and i cant tress this enough, never give up. You are a human person and you deserve your life. don't give up on it. Remember - depersonalization is temporary. If you will be melancholic all the time it will make the process of healing much slower - years. If on the other hand you will have a happy outlook on things - it will happen much faster.
So, my first advice is - don't use medication and therapies. Experience shows that they don't work and in some cases do things even worse.
Second - cheer up. Many other people had situations even worse but, by being strong, they managed to overcome it.
Third - go outside. start socializing. I know it feels weird to do so, but NEVER stay at home, where all you do is whine and focus on just how bad you feel. If you start going out you will see that you will start to pay much less attention to dp. Do whatever you enjoy - sports, walks in the park, even parties with lots of friends.
Educate yourself - try to understand why is this happening in your life and why you are suffering from depression and all of that $#%^. Try to understand those things and start to work on yourself. This is vital if you want to overcome all of your emotional problems. You need to work on yourslef - do all the things you wanted to do before - let it be music, art, sports, read more books. Constant self-improvement is crucial.
Here is a very important information you need to know.
http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.p ... ring-dpdr/
THis is exactingly what you need to know and to do in order to overcome dp. This information is collected from people who have beaten the illness.
If you want to know my personal opinion on what causes dp in a more philosophical and spiritual way and just thoughts that helped me to overcome dp, you can read my report. i believe i have found some very interesting things that everyone should know of. http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.p ... experince/

To sum up the things - Just try to stop being so sad all the time. Throw out all the thoughts about suicide. And stop hurting yourself. If you do that again know that it is making very sad.
Get a hobby that you will enjoy - preferably that involves some socializing and not staying at home in front of your computer.
Try to work on yourself.
Smile more often - it will help you in the time of trouble. besides it makes you look very pretty. I am sure of that.
I believe in you.

I think you should ask me questions before you assume things about my life. What makes you think lecturing, patronising and belittling me will help me?

I have tried. I have had a positive outlook for months, okay? I have tried all the positive $#%^, the not staying in, the 'being strong'. And do you know what? In the end it was worse. I was 'strong', then I met my other half, and it brought out all the emotions inside of me I tried to ignore because 'I have to be strong', and now I'm worse. Going outside makes my DP/DR worse. I can only bear to be around other people for so long. And how am I supposed to enjoy any hobby when I don't even feel like I'm there?!

And let me tell you something, saying stuff like this

Stop all this suicide and cutting yourself #######4. get rid of these stupid and pathetic ideas

DEFINATELY does not help. If, God forbid, you said that to someone who was on the brink of suicide, they might just go and do it. Making people feel stupid and more alone doesn't help. Haven't you ever heard of SUPPORT, UNDERSTANDING and EMPATHY? Words are powerful, and they can hurt, especially if you're already vulnerable. Please remember that.

I have educated myself. I have been doing that over the past two years, since I got this $#%^. I know why I have depression, I know exactly why. But, unfortunately, knowing why isn't enough. I don't even care about the depression right now, I can deal with it, but I just want this fricking feeling to GO. If I could just feel real, I'd be able to deal with $#%^. I feel foggy, how the hell am I meant to concentrate on getting better when I feel like I'm in a frigging video game?!

Sorry if my reply has come off as angry, or whatever, but I found some of what you said pretty offensive.

DPDCarmz
I sincerely apologize. I had no intentions of offending you in any way. And i didn't mean to come of as lecturing you. I am really sorry for making you angry.

I can suggest you try cognitive behavior techniques. Try looking for a book called "Overcoming depersonalization & feeling of unreality: a self-help guide using cognitive behavioral techniques".(Baker, Hunter, Lawrence, David) It is very helpful. Or try looking for a professional in that field.

CameraEye wrote:DPDCarmz
I sincerely apologize. I had no intentions of offending you in any way. And i didn't mean to come of as lecturing you. I am really sorry for making you angry.

I can suggest you try cognitive behavior techniques. Try looking for a book called "Overcoming depersonalization & feeling of unreality: a self-help guide using cognitive behavioral techniques".(Baker, Hunter, Lawrence, David) It is very helpful. Or try looking for a professional in that field.

It's okay, you were only trying to help

In terms of the CBT, I tried cognotive behaviour therapy before and it seemed to make me feel worse. I'm at my wit's end, I can't concentrate on anything enough.

I have Citalopram 10mg as prescribed by my Doctor. I'm thinking of taking them soon but I'm scared. What if they make the DP/DR worse?

DPDCarmz wrote:
I have Citalopram 10mg as prescribed by my Doctor. I'm thinking of taking them soon but I'm scared. What if they make the DP/DR worse?

Myself i don't have any experience with medications. I suggest you look up on http://www.dpselfhelp.com what other people have to say about this drug. However there is a chance that it will make dp worse. but maybe that depends on the particular person.

i have found a cure thats right I know enzactly what you are going through casue i have gone through the same thing so im just going to tell you how you take contol back over your own mind soul and body I struggled with trying to find a way out to fix this I turned to God to fix this and I started reading my bible and I started to get retouch with my soul I started to read the holy bible new testament and when I did it hurt it helt like i was burning in the part of my mind were I just break through to the world and and I prayed and I got better every day and broke through the glass that was keeping from being intouch with my own emotions and concince so you might say to yourself God cant help me or Jesus never existed but I promise you if you take that chance of welcoming with all your him into your life he will break through that glass for you and you will be happier than you have ever been before even before this happend to you I promse you that. Mabe this is fate and this happend to you because to save your life just take the chance and you will find your soul again I promise I hope you choose to get better. I was numb for a year a entire year and was fixed through this experince to find your own heaven sometimes you have to pass through hell.

I don't know for sure if you have received another reply to your email. I am just knew to this blog today.
I joined because I read your heart's plea for help. I am suffering from a car accident recovery so I can not write much now, but can more later.

Most of all I wanted to give you hope. My 15 year old daughter is completely healed of what you are talking about and it took about 5 months. So much if had to do with cutting down the lies that this life is so painful that it can't be real. Also to start facing day to day frustrations and not stuffing all of her feelings so to be even more out of touch with reality. It is a coping mechanism, as best as I can understand, that can get a further and further hold on you.

I know EXACTLY where you're coming from. To spare you the details, I am attractive, talented, smart. Should have a great life, or at least a shot at one.
However, severe depersonalization disorder (which I've suffered from nearly my entire life) has kept me from even coming close to attempting to achieve my dreams.
I think it goes without saying, that if you feel like you aren't a participant in your own life, then you're are not, and therefore are literally unable to make changes to your life.
So here i am, middle aged, and, despite everything, cleaning toilets for a living.
It is a very sad life. You are treated with little respect, if any, make next to nothing, and the work is not even remotely creatively or intellectually fulfilling.
Not exactly the life of someone who is bright and beautiful.
I know the feelings of anger, and fear, and sadness, and frustration. I have cried again and again, why me, God?
I can agree with the advice you've been given. If being falsely optimistic doesn't help, wallowing in pessimism won't either, and, unlike optimism, it will make your current situation worse.
Your employer will notice it, and may lose patience with you. They don't care if this feels like a bad dream. They expect you to put your all into your job, or they'll gladly give it to someone else.
Then your situation is definitely worse.
Friends will get tired of your down mood and your distance, and will fade away.
I know, I've been through it.
So, between bad and worse, I'll take bad, while praying for a miracle.
Some mock spirituality. You might, I don't know.
All I can say in my bewildering situation, I know that looking to God has brought me comfort that man can't. When I've gone to mental health professionals, all I've gotten is pat answers.
So it is at least something.
He was right: You ARE worth something, if for no other reason than you are human.
I would cling to that.
Given that you're 18, I would say, despite how foolish it seems, try to push against the odds and try to remain happy.
You don't want to be a sad case like me, 42 and just now realizing that so many years of despondency over my illness did nothing but make me feel worse than I would have if I at least tried to be optimistic.

When i was 13 i was really ill almost died after that the world didnt feel the same, as if not conscious i.e. really drunk, everything seemed really distant as if viewing through a remote camera. No doctor/shrink ever identified issue. I have learnt from a lot of experience fighting hard through this life that it must be DR/DPD, my advice to any of you which nobody else could ever give me is that your only real hope is a stimulating medication which pushes up dopamine, now be careful of course as too much dopamine uncontrolled can lead to schizophrenia. One of the best medications would seem to be bupropion, but it takes weeks until its really effective, ADHD meds will connect you more with the world in some aspects, but in general have numbing side effects. What will make a huge difference in your life is to be really loved by someone too - this combination will wake you up and dissolve the glass. There are probably better dopamine enhancing meds if you have experience of these I would like to know. Avoid depressants i.e. alcohol, majuhana, and illicit drugs are no no