My depersonalisation highlights

I'm so used to depersonalisation/derealisation that I remember only vaguely what life is like without the condition.

The condition has persisted in its current form for about 8 years. It was intensified considerably shortly upon starting the antidepressant reboxetine (Edronax). Others have had similar experiences with the drug. At the time, I felt it was a useful effect, as it allowed me to remain calm and relaxed under conditions that used to agitate and upset me.

I like to say that I can walk over dead bodies while thinking about more interesting matters. My thoughts consistently absorb much more of my attention than sensory input from the outside world does. I walk, cycle and drive with my body on auto-pilot. The autopilot almost drove over an elderly cyclist while I was thinking about more important matters - if the road had been icy, I could perhaps say the same thing without an "almost". The autopilot once bumped into a car at low speed, also while I was thinking about other matters - it cost me a couple of 100 EUR or so. On my way to a psychologist's appointment, the autopilot cycled past the clinic some 100 metres before I noticed the mistake and turned back. While vacuuming floors or wiping dust, I sometimes do the same areas more than once, or miss some areas, because I have only a vague idea of what the autopilot has covered while I was absorbed in thought.

Once, my attention was briefly fully restored onto the external reality as a result of starting an amphetamine-like drug. Briefly, there was silence within my mind - the automatic thinking stopped, and I took over control of my body from the autopilot. The experience of silence was so extreme that I felt I could have fallen asleep not only in spite of, but thanks to, the amphetamine. I have heard of other people taking psychostimulants for ADHD experiencing similar effects from the drug. Unfortunately, in my case, the effect gradually dissipated with continued use.

On another occasion, I had a hypomanic episode. I had an enthusiastic flight of ideas, coming so fast that I had no time to make notes of my seemingly brilliant insights, and I felt somewhat overwhelmed. At the same time, my otherwise flattened emotional landscape became more vivid, and I could again become excited, agitated and/or enthusiastic over things. Adrenaline rushes became a part of my life again, which I found somewhat annoying, because I like the remarkable, supernormal cool and relaxation that depersonalisation/derealisation has made me take for granted. I also experienced empathy, which I'm not usually capable of. It was a useful tool that I could use to better understand other people and hence achieve my interpersonal goals more effectively. My decision-making become amazingly rapid apparently with increased accuracy, as intuition and feeling became available to guide my choices - choices that otherwise required many seconds of conscious though and effort, if a choice was reached at all, now could be made in a split second or so. There were other benefits as well of hypomania, but it's not clear whether they are relevant to depersonalisation/derealisation. Naturally, hypomania didn't last.

I've also found opioid drugs somewhat helpful in temporarily relieving the condition, but not nearly to the same extent as the amphetamine-like stimulant or the hypomanic episode.