My memories don't feel real.

First post here, kinda just voicing some of the thoughts I've been having because I feel a bit crazy.

I've been in CBT therapy for a few months, on Prozac, and a small dose of Klonopin. All of this because I went into a severe depression a few years ago, that has not improved since. I'm borderline actively suicidal, but no attempts.

It feels like my memories aren't real. Or that it wasn't me that experienced them. I can tell you what happened, but I don't remember actually experiencing or feeling anything. It feels like all of my memories are just wikipedia pages that I read.

It happens on a short time frame too, I'm posting this in the evening, and it feels like this morning could have been last week. Even painful memories don't like, register, or something. I've burned myself really badly before, but in some way, I don't remember what it feels like. Sometimes I think about putting my hand on a hot stove just to see.

I don't know, I just feel like I'm going crazy. Therapy hasn't been helping, and neither has the medication. In retrospect, everything just feels like.... nothing. Nothing at all. Sometimes I don't even understand why I'm suicidal because I don't remember being in that much anguish.

On some level, things just don't seem real, and it's confusing to me. I read books where these characters have such strong emotions and it's just so confusing. I don't have any recollection of what anything feels like.

I know how you feel )to some extent, obviously), and I would suggest DBT and talking to your therapist specifically about dissociation and techniques to help ground you.

I think I've experienced something similar. The longer I've lived with it, though, the more used to it I've become. I realised that memories aren't actually real. They're thoughts you have about things that have happened to you. Even though they've happened to you, your remembering of them distorts them a bit more each time you think of them, makes them lose their quality as memories. I'm 30 years old. As the "code" of the universe is deciphered the longer I live, it seems more and more at odds with the way I used to think, when I didn't know as much, and it becomes harder and harder to put myself back into that frame of mind, which makes my memories seem distant, to the extent that they don't seem to belong to me. I've found that trying to really "feel" a memory just makes it shrink even more. So I tried not thinking of the past at all. If a memory comes back to me of its own accord, I don't try and block it out, but I don't try and grab onto it, either.