There is Hope

I have probobly had dd for about 10 years. I believed I was being stalked, my house and car were bugged and people were playing songs on the radio specifically to mess with my head. That my life was broadcast to anyone who wanted to listen to it. And let me tell all the family members, it is hard as hell believing all that for so long. Although I tried to keep my boys (now 10 and 12) out of it for fear of screwing them up later in life, I slipped so many times when I was particularly worried they might say something in private or do something in private that would have repercussions for them later so I would get on them about it ("you know Mommy thinks we are bugged. Don't say that." etc.) I just hope I didn't cause irreparable harm. Of course I didn't tell many people for fear of what they would think of me. Part of my delusion was that there was a "rule" that I wasn't allowed to talk about it, or anyone with me.
I have been on various meds including risperdal and geodon, and several antidepressants. None seemed to work. I remember reading a book called "I know you really love me" (Orion--I think)and remember thinking..."This sounds just like me but in my case its actually true!" The book is about a psychiatrist actually stalked by someone with erotomania, a type of dd
This past January, that book came back to me and I thought maybe I am really sick. What if all this has never been true? All these wasted years?? Wow. And the past month has been a whirlwind, writing in a journal, confronting each delusion for what it is (everytime I hear a song, comment or get that feeling that someone is listening--I tell myself its the illness and do my best to redirect myself...it is quite tiring b/c it happens ALL the time.
I have stopped taking prescribed meds more times than I can count because in my opinion, it didn't change my reality. "THEY" after all were the one's that were stalking me. After my little reawakening in January, I called my psychiatrist who put me on abilify, and started reading everything I considered reputable, including the DSM IV (from the library) on erotomania and dd.
I really believe that knowledge and time are power in this (and while I have no intention of getting off my med since this is the first time in 10years I have believed that I am actually the one with the problem), I am so scared that it is going to come back harder and faster than when it started leaving. Does anyone have any advice on this? Has anyone out there overcome it and kept it at bay? Wil continue to read posts to find my answers, but if anyone wants to email, that would be ok.
Thanks,
Rachael

Rachael,



Thanks so much for sharing your story.

Everyone here needs to know there is HOPE!

Most of us, and I speak for myself mainly, do feel pretty hopeless sometimes.

Wishing you the best of luck-- and keep up the good work and self awareness.

Alex

Rachael,
Thanks for posting. It must take a lot of courage to get to where you are with this. Believe me, we know it isn't easy. My wife has DD, persecution type. She has the usual symptoms, phones and car bugged, songs on the radio talking to her, things in the paper directed at her, etc. She has left the kids and I and moved out on her own about an hour away. It's been pretty hard on everyone to say the least. While she is certainly functioning normally in every way except for the impact of the delusions, that alone has a huge impact on all of our lives. The kids are 22 & 20, but it has hurt them immeasurably. I think she can 'somewhat' understand how much it has hurt us, but not quite completely. Before this happened, she was easily one of the sweetest, most caring people you could ever imagine.
We can only hope that one day, this will be over and we can be together again. She is very non-committal and vehemently says she needs to be on her own now and is proceeding with a divorce.

Would you say that you reached the point that you realize you were the one with the problem because of meds? Do you think it would have happened without meds? Knowing what you know, what advice would you give for getting someone help with this disorder, considering that they think there is no problem?
Your insight and perspective on this is very much appreciated.
God Bless.

Oh, Rachael, I so needed to hear your story tonight. I took my grandson and moved out from my dd husband, persecutory, 11 months ago because when my husband drinks (to quell the delusions) he can get mean. I did not feel safe. It has now been a year, almost, and paying for two households means I have VERY little left for savings. And because he has cut back considerably on the drinking, we plan to return when the lease runs out, the end of the month. I know the delusions will still be there, and the drapes will still have to be drawn, and I'll have to go back to walking on egg shells in my conversations. I feel I should give another chance to a 35 year marriage. But when I told my adult daughter that tonight, she really let me have both barrels. "Why am I returning, with a child, to that house?" This decision is proving to be more difficult than the decision to leave! Rachael, how can we help our loved ones?
As Alex wrote a few days ago, the details of our situations are not identical, but the way we live.... it pretty much follows a pattern. I would do about anything to save our family from this living nightmare.
Thanks to each of you who has written. I'm one who gleans much but writes little. My prayers are for ALL of us. Ruth44

Rachel,
Thank you so much for posting something. My mother has DD and has moved away from everyone in her family and is getting a divorce from my father. This is the absoulte hardest thing I have ever gone through in my whole life. She thinks her car is bugged,people are coming into her apartment and giving her medication and so on. My family is doing everything possible for her..but so far nothing is working and it is tearing everyone apart. It just seems to consume everybodys life. But to hear your story gives me hope. I don't know maybe my mom will never come out of this or maybe she will but to hear that you did just makes me sooo happy...I wish you all the best of luck and please for your sake and the sake of your family keep trying.

Dear Rachael,

I am also a DD sufferer, for more than ten years. Thanks for being brave enough to post. I'm not over my delusions, but I think I am getting better. I just wanted to tell someone who understands, how good it feels to look through your delusions occasionally. It's like a ray of sunshine, when you've been seeing the world in the darkest terms. People around you might not be plotting against you, they might not think you're crazy, they might be just going about their business, raising their own children, working. If you have enough of these thoughts over a period of time, it's almost like the world takes on a glow. What if all that stuff I've been thinking all my life isn't true. Wow. Try an hour or two of thinking this way, it will certainly make you smile.

I haven't been able to make it last longer than half a day, if that. The problem now is the expectation from my husband, that my delusions will just go away. Because I can doubt my beliefs, he thinks I should just be able to just get over it. I hope that this will happen eventually. I'm 40Kstudentloans. Thanks again for posting.

Dear Rachael,

My mom had dd for over 10 years, the same thing you have. She had a heart attack last July, They put her in the hospital and I told the doctors everything that had been going on, and that she was not going home until she got help for it. I was at my wits end. The doctors sent in a psychiatrist to make an appointment for her when she got out. She went and they put her on risperdal 5 mg and a anti depressant. It took about a month then we slowly started seeing a difference in her. Now she is so shocked that all of this was a disorder, it took a while but she has finally admitted that everthing she thought was going on was just because of her perception of things because of the dd. We are all so happy now!
She is so much fun to be around and I love my mom with all my heart, I'm so glad to have her back. Please keep trying different medications to help you, but remember it takes a while to get in your system 1 month or more and it is something you will always have to take. God Bless you all
If you have anything you want to ask me just e-mail me at lpoynter@twlakes.net

Dear Rachael,

I know first hand how debilitating delusional disorder can be. I first started having symptoms when I was 23 years old. Very quickly the disorder started to take over my life. The symptoms started with paranoia that grew to delusions so terrifying I became suicidal. I met the first psychiatrist that I would see as a patient when I was 24. He put me on antipsychotic medication that had a lot of uncomfortable side-effects. I moved back to my home town shortly after and discontinued the medications. That decision landed me in the psychiatric unit of our local hospital. I would have one more hospitalization a few years later until I came to the decision I needed help from a psychiatrist.

I had all of the "classic" symptoms such as believing there were special messages intended for me on the radio and on television. I had thoughts of people trying to persecute and harm me. These symptoms I felt to such a degree that I could no longer function normally. My friends at that time deserted me, as they didn't want to be assorted with someone who was mentally ill.

Things started turning around for me over 7 years ago when I actively sought psychiatric help. Medication can make all the difference to having a full and productive life with delusional disorder. I found a kind, caring psychiatrist about 6 years ago. He diagnosed me with Delusional Disorder and Major Depression. It was trial and error at first with medications but we discovered that Seroquel (Antipsychotic) and Effexor (Antidepressant) work best for me. Everyone responds differently to medications, so please go by the advise of a medical professional.

I am now 38 years old, working full-time in administration and living a full and happy life. I have made new friends and I have the support of my family. I haven't had any "major" delusions in years, only a few passing thoughts. I do still see my psychiatrist every month or two and I take my medications religiously.

Coming from a person who has "been there" there is hope for recovery. But it is an illness that needs to be treated life-long. Please do not give up hope! Realizing that you have an illness is the first step on the road to recovery. I wish you all the best. God bless you.

Kathleen

It's truly wonderful to read some "success" stories. I am very tempted to copy this thread into a Word file and send it to my wife. I would say, "...see that's you...that's what you have been describing...etc, etc".

But she would say I am wrong, where did I get that stuff, you or "they" must have made it up. Even to lead her to this website would get the same reaction. "We" are trying to make her think she is crazy. It's a lose-lose situation. It would be a last resort, as I leave. If I ever can do it.

Thank you, however, for the hope.