DDJ Husband caused by medical condition

Hello everyone.

I found this forum about a year ago while typing in my husbands symptoms. He has delusions from a pre-existing medical condition, which he refuses to treat (he says that there is nothing wrong with him).

It is very hard and sad trying to live with him because I know he can not help it, but it is wearing me down. I can hardly take it anymore.

His delusions are directed towards me. He says that I had an affair in the beginning of our relationship (we've been together almost 11 yrs.) and that I continued it until about 2005. His delusions started about 4 years ago and have continued to escalate. It began one night when he came home and was acting very strange. He would not look at me or talk to me. I was so upset I called one of my best friends who just happens to be one of my husband’s best friends' wife. My friend told me that my husband called over there that night and asked her husband if he remembered telling my husband that I had an affair. Her husband/his friend was floored. He told my husband that he must have had a dream or something because he would never say a thing like that.

He seemed to get over it and we went on living normal for a while. I just thought he had a dream or something. I was not familiar with mental illness, so that never crossed my mind. He would have little episodes of this "questioning" every 6 months to a year and then it would go away and it would be business as usual. I just brushed it off because it was weird, but not crazy.

Fast forward to last year about this time -- he had a complete meltdown and has not been the same since. He started using normal everyday occurrences as his “evidence”. For example, he said that we went out together one night a long time ago (just he and I), which we did, but he says that I disappeared in to the parking lot to meet my lover, which is not true and very strange. I tried to tell him that even if I did have a lover, which I didn’t, why would I ask them to meet me where you and I would be alone together? He refuses to rationalize and just calls me a liar.

All of my husband’s delusions are based on past memories. Every time he has an episode he usually starts out with, “Do you remember”. I swear my skin crawls when I hear someone say that now.

He has also turned against his two best friends (one since childhood). He says that they are covering for me because the affair was with ONE of TWO of my best friend’s cousins. He says he not sure which cousin it is, but that it is definitely one of them. He says that he remembers both of his best friends telling him that I had an affair. He also says that my mother called him and told him the same. He also claims that some girl, who we mutually know told him. He says these people told him these things a long time ago, quite some time before we were married (in 2008). I always ask my husband, “why didn’t you come and ask me what they were talking about when they told you back then”. He says that he didn’t believe them back then. He also says that he didn’t always think these things, but that he evidence has come together. Every person that he has accused of saying these things have denied it because it is not true. They are very concerned for him. He has completely cut off his best friends and anyone who tries to go against his delusions.

He is a different person now. I am so sad. The illness he has affects his brain and can be cured with antibiotics, but he refuses to take them. He has been diagnosed by an MD and has been given a prescription. The doctor says that the disease can cause these thoughts. However, my husband still believes that he is not sick.

For the past 2 months he has had a few episodes but is now pretty much detached. Sometimes he is nice if he wants something from me, but other than he is not loving or anything. I feel like I live with a stranger. One day he told me to never trust him again because he is going to live like "you used to live". From what I've read I guess he is in "payback" mode? Maybe the next step is for him to leave me??

Yesterday was our 4 year wedding anniversary and he did not even mention it. I am so sad beyond belief.

I also want to add that my husband refuses treatment, so it will probably end like most regular DDJ. I'm just looking for feedback from other DDJ spouses.

When he is in his episodes he says that all he wants is the "TRUTH"! And that I am such a liar and that we could try marriage counseling if I would just admit the "truth".

-- Fri Nov 16, 2012 10:35 am --

One more thing!

He also has a little persecutory mixed in. Years ago he claimed that some people were accusing him of stealing money from an organization that he was part of. We had a big cookout for this organization and it was a great day. Everyone was happy and my husband seemed fine. But then the next week he told me that he remembered the people there were talking about him saying that he stole money from the organization (which makes little to no money by the way).

My husband and I actually donated money that day. My husband claims that when we put the money in the donation jar, that the gentleman manning the jar was giving us weird looks.

I know for a fact that nobody thought my husband was stealing money. I have confirmed this with people who were there that day.

I also found it very strange that my husband was fine the whole day and week after, but then the thoughts popped into his head later on,...

Hi, KJS123,

Your story sounds eerily similar to my own. I don't check this website too often nowadays, but today when I happened to browse, your post brought up old and distant memories.

My ex-husband has childhood onset diabetes. I Often wonder the possibility of the hypoglycemia seizures that he has had through the years might have damaged his brain. We were married for 15 year, he had DDJ for the last 4. I used "had" because we have not lived together for 4 years and are now divorced for 3, so I have no way of knowing if he continues to have delusional thoughts post divorce.

My story is so similar to yours in many aspects. In the beginning it was infrequent (every 6 months or so) accusations, so it was easy for me to forgive and brush it off. Then it was every 2 months for about half a year. During that period, I did a polygraph and passed.(In the hindsight, I will advice anyone who is considering it to forget it. It did not help and was a complete waste of time. ) Then it became full-blown. He became distant and weird. That lasted for about 5 months before he eventually moved out and filed for divorce. He also accused his best friend from childhood for having an affair with me, as well as some family friends. He wanted me to keep all the accusations secret and had always put on a facade that we were a happy couple. I tried everything with the intention to keep the marriage together for the children. At the end, he used divorce to "punish" me. He was eventually diagnosed with DDJ through the parenting evaluation process during the divorce.

Looking back, I think I was too naive and did not recognize the severity of his mental illness. In a regular healthy relationship, if one person suspects the other of cheating, he would confront the other, perhaps trying to work it out, or files for divorce. There should not be all the extensive mind games, manipulations, drama, punishment, and mental abuse. All the proofs that we laid in front of them, should have been enough.

If your husband refuses to recognize that he needs help, then I see very little hope of your relationship getting better. In fact, if he is in the "punishing" mode, you need to start seriously considering protecting yourself, both physically and financially.

In my case, I now think that maybe my ex was having fantasy of other women and possibly having some sort of inner struggles of it. (the cheating accusations were self projections). It is also possible that he has had some unsolved issues with his mother and he eventually projected it on me.

My ex seems to function well after the divorce. He had several relationships but none was long-lasting. I think he is smart enough to break it off when he starts to have weird thoughts about the woman. (He is well aware of the DDJ diagnosis). Our relationship post divorce has been quite difficult at times. He continues to have cognitive distortion about me. Unfortunately we still have to be connected because of the children. I try to have minimum contacts with him and also limit our communication through only emails and texts. That way when he has altered memories and accusations (yes, it's still coming my way, except now they are in other areas of life) I have proofs to support myself.

My advice for you will be to prepare yourself for an end of your relationship with your husband. move on and start a new stage of your life. There is little that you can do other than continue to suffer and being the "source" of his delusions. I can attest that in my case, my children are in a much better place when I am both mentally and physically healthy. I understand that it is difficult to walk away from the man that you once loved and vowed to spend the rest of your lives together. In my case, I had to constantly remind myself that the man that I married to was "dead" and there was a stranger now lived in his body. (If you read other threads of this forum, sometimes people describe their DDJ love ones as being "body-snatched") My 4 years of DDJ nightmare was very very dark, and my life now is nothing but light and bright. I am thankful everyday that my ex used divorce to "punish" me and this ultimate "punishment" turned out to set me free.

All the best wishes.

LTD,

Thanks so much for your reply. It really means so much to know someone who can relate.

I wish I could write out all of his delusions about me, but there are so many I remember them all. I wrote a list once and my husband found it while digging through my purse. He goes through my phone, purse and truck all of the time, I guess looking for "evidence".

He keeps his delusions to himself, for the most part, unless he thinks someone knows something, then he will call them up with questions (like he did with my mother). She never understood our problems until he called her that day. She said it was like talking to a skeleton.

It's very hard for me as I feel like I have to justify myself to everyone. I try to explain the story to family members and people really do not understand until he pulls them into the delusion. I think some people may think that he has a basis for all of this, but I keep hope that one day they will see the truth.

Even now that he is distant, if I am not home from work by a certain time, he will call to ask where I am. I have not clue why he calls, because once I am home, he is totally detached and sits online playing poker. Like I said before, he only calls on me for his needs.

In one of our fights a couple months back, I took off my wedding rings and put them on the dresser (I guess hoping that he would feel sad or something) and he took them and hid them from me. At first, I thought I had misplaced them or vacuumed them up, but he told me he took them and would not tell me where the were. He still won't give them back. I asked him why he would have given them to me in the first place, but he had no answer.

We have a 17 month old son and I am so sad to think of him not having both of us together, but then again I think I may be happy when he finally ends it. I just can't bring myself to file for divorce, even though I fantasize about a peaceful life alone with my son and I. My son is getting to the age where he can see what is going on. I made it very clear to my husband that my son knows and it affects him. Since I brought that up, my husband has become detached and silent. I think he is just trying to hold it in for our son, but I know all of his thoughts are still there. Sometimes I think I could deal with it if the delusions weren't directed towards me, but from what I've read, it's very hard even when they aren't .

Sometimes I wish his delusions were off the charts bizarre(even though they are very bizarre to me), so that he could be forced into help, but that's not the case. One time he told me that his best friend tried to send him "signals" and "beat around the bush". His friends are very worried about him and their wives call me from time to time to check on me. They only call on my cell phone in the mornings (on the way to work) because they are so worried. His very close friends are the only ones who totally understand, even though his family knows that something is wrong, they don't know what to do to help him as he will not listen to anyone.

In any case, I have too realized this will not be able to go on forever and that my marriage will not last, as it is so far from the definition of a marriage.

I'd also like to mention that in one of his recent episodes, I asked him why he married me and had a child if the thought all of these things. He screamed out, "i haven't always thought these things". I just sat there, not knowing what to say.

Also, before he totally cut off his childhood friend - a few months back they were talking, and my husband cried and told his friend that he "can't get these thoughts out of his head". And before he was diagnosed with the disease, he told me that if he had this disease, he would take any medicine to make these thoughts go away. However, he seems so far beyond that now. Like he won't accept any incoming info./facts/help.

It seemed like he may have had a smidgen of insight before. When we were trying to explain what was going on to his physician, my husband said, "you know, it's like how a crazy person really believes what they are saying -- all these people are saying these things to me, but then they are saying that they didn't say it, but I'm not crazy".

He also accuses me of "trying to make him look crazy". In one of our fights I told him, "i don't have to do that, you have already done that yourself". In hindsight, I know I shouldn't have said that to him because it didn't help and probably turned him against me even more.

-- Sun Nov 18, 2012 11:58 am --

Sorry, one more thing (it feels good to get this all out).

At one point, earlier this year, he bought a digital recorder. I was helping him clean out his truck and found it. I asked him what it was for and he said, "to catch those mother f'ers (his friends) when they tell me that you had an affair".

That was a very alarming moment for me.

It is so hard to understand why the DD person doesn't have a choice in his or her thinking. We've had so many episodes with our mom, pointing out the weaknesses in her arguments, the impossibilities, but to no avail. Then the rest of us spend so much time talking and trying to figure it out and decide what to do. It is good to have some hope for her new medication, but we see no changes, in fact her delusions are getting worse, and we must be realistic.

You might feel more in control by seeing an attorney to have a better picture of steps you should take and a plan for when to take any action. You need to document all the things you can remember, with dates and actions because you may need the facts assuming you are heading for divorce.

My step-dad is going through a divorce he would not have ever wanted, but his DD wife, my mom, has jealous and persecutory DD primarily toward him and he has no choice. They've not been living together for many months now and she still thinks he's tormenting her, that he planned this plot against her years ago... Her beliefs may make the divorce a lengthy one, involving a court date. We may have to go testify even though she'll be irate. The worry for me is that she'll be so angry that she won't want me in her life and then I can't make sure she's ok.

We all just wish she would stop thinking what she thinks, but we have to be prepared, and being prepared (legally, medically), is the only thing that could possibly help her. Just carrying on, and hoping that each day is better than yesterday was not helping her or us, and certainly was causing stress and potentially dangerous situations (violently, financially) for my step-dad. It is noble to try to help and change the illness, but ultimately it may be that the only ones we can 'save' are ourselves. It is all so terrible, but we have to deal with what IS, not what we hope.

I do hope, though, that your other family members, and his, come to understand his illness and the delusions better, and can support you both.