Working up courage

I read about cyclothymia last September and trembled because I felt like I was reading about myself. The article explained so much. I found more articles and that same feeling of reading about myself persisted. For years I had searched for information about recurring depression, but mine wasn’t anywhere near as bad as the bipolar and depressive disorders I read about. I don’t think it’s ever lasted months at a time and I do get out of bed and go to work when I’m depressed. So I kicked myself and said get over it. And I always did get over it but I kept getting depressed again.

Finally, I came across a description that seemed to match me in ways I never even thought about before. I never thought staying up hours later than I should have to work on projects that could wait counted as a symptom of a mood disorder. I don’t usually feel a sleep deficit the next day after things like that. Or if I do, it’s not enough to bother me. Lucky me, I thought. I had no reason to think that’s an indicator of a problem. The numerous things I start and don’t finish never struck me as a symptom of anything other than being too disorganized. And for as long as I can remember, I haven’t been able to fall asleep at bedtime. It just takes a long time of thinking about whatever comes into my head. Now that I’m an adult and able to get out of bed when I darn well please, I’ll get up and write something down or go look up some information in a book or on the Internet.

Unfortunately, the revelation has been bad for my personal life. I asked my wife of ten years (also my best friend of 17 years) to read about cyclothymia and tell me if she thought it describes me. She barely had time to look up the definition when she said no. So she doesn’t think so, at least she says not. Everybody has up days and down days, she said. But a few days later when we had a disagreement about something she said it was my fault and it’s not because I was having a down day. When I tried to take responsibility for the problem, she wouldn’t let me do that either because of the way I said it. I take this to mean she was looking for an argument and there could be other problems in the relationship. She and I barely speak now. And I assured myself last September our friendship could withstand a minor mental health issue. I think about that a lot on the sad days.

That hasn’t helped me seek confirmation of my suspicion. I am just now getting to the point where I feel I can look up the mental health counselors in the telephone book and see what the options are. It would be really nice to have someone close to me hold my hand through the process, but that’s not going to happen. My reality is I need to know how to go about finding the right doctor. Psychiatrist or psychologist? General practitioner first?

Hi dark_in_the_light!!
I have been exactly where you've been! Just like you, the desriptions of symptoms sent chills down my spine..."holy crap! this is ME" since my early twenties I have lived each symptom... it was creepy! It was painful to face... but every behavior you described that you experienced, I have lived them all, as well! My husband came to my first two sessions and didn't want to hear or learn any more about my condition. It broke my heart, but I went forward to seek after my own healing without him. I started to receive support here.. it's strange, those closest to us don't want to face it, but if they'd only know that we need them more than ever. When our son started to have seizures, he spent countless hours researching everything there is to know about seizures. When I first found out, he was irritated that I was always on the computer. Yes! I WAS in a hypomanic state but I wanted to learn all that I could possibly learn and he was just as resistant to holding my hand through this as your wife if for you. Only a week ago it reached a dramatic moment...I changed a medication, much stronger, and extremely sedating, my eyes looked vacant.. I looked drunk! no balance, exhausted... He never wanted to hear a thing until he was scared for two weeks at the behaviors he had been observing. The discussion could finally happen once the symptoms subsided. I expressed my emotions from the onset of my diagnosis to last week when you finally took an interest because you were worried for me, and I wouldn't listen to you and stop taking the new drug. I told him how lonely this road has been when I sensed his disinterest early on. How much I needed you by my side to learn with me so you could understand what I'm going through and you can hopefully feel more compassionate,and be able to see my symptoms and help me recognize if I can't see myself. Please stand by me in "mental sickness" and in health." Educate her how mild bipolar is passed on genetically, and that there are biochemical reasons with neurotransmitters, seratonin, lithium levels, so she can get past the social stigma that is not us!! I feel like such a donkey to have waited so long. You can be proactive and get her on board much sooner and be completely honest with her. good for you for "working up the courage" to see a psychiatrist and a psychologist anyway. I have both and each are beneficial for different reasons. Don't wait any longer!! Once you are medicated with the right medicine just for you... you will notice a night and day difference! It has revolutionized my life!! Keep us posted as you move forward on your journey towards wellness and balance!!

Yeah I heard a lot of the "everyone has up and down days" and "everyone feels overwhelmed sometimes" too. But what I finally realized was that people who said that had NO idea what I was feeling inside. Only I could know 1) the unreasonable levels of my depression and irritation and 2) the frequency of my ups and downs. So since they have no idea, because they are "normal" people...I took it upon myself to finally say NO THIS CANNOT BE RIGHT. I wake up everyday with the same life, yet never know if it will look disastrous or good to me ! And I began my search that lead me to cyclothymia.

Looking back, I think I've had this since I was a teenager. I was always considered moody. One of my former roommates said I was "like a cat" ....want ppl when i want them and then when i don't want them, they need to get out. I get enthused and excited about projects but never finish. Can't finish a book to save my life. Constantly irritated and can fly into a murderous rage at almost anything. No incentive to do anything most days. Other days I could get through my entire to do list. My bf is very understanding and supportive, so I'm lucky there.

I went to the psychiatrist for the first time last week and she gave me Lamictal. WHAT A WONDERFUL DRUG! I cannot believe it took me this long to find something that makes me feel so "normal". This is what other people feel like everyday? I'm able to manage my emotions, I don't hate everyone in site, my life looks consistently ok, I'm not fighting with my coworker, I have energy to do stuff, I can take care of my daughter so much more easily, I can brush things off a lot easier, etc. I also see a therapist and have been for a year.

So I want to encourage you to make your psych appointment and see what he/she can do to help you. Because there is help and you don't have to keep feeling that way. It's so awful to be stuck like that. Lamictal dosage increases have to be gradual so I don't know how I'll feel as weeks pass, but hopefully still good!

Good luck to you. Post and let us know how you are.

-- Wed Jul 06, 2011 11:40 pm --

Oh yeah, psychiatrists are the ones who can prescribe meds. I have seen a psychologist for a year and she directed me to a psych. I think both together are useful.

jferf wrote:Can't finish a book to save my life.

You gave me a reading about myself moment. I don't know how many books I have around the house that I've started reading but haven't finished. In my mind, I'm still reading them even though I haven't touched some of them for years. Sometimes I open up a book I forgot I had and find one of my old business cards part way in. That's how I bookmark, so I'm sure I did that.

-- Thu Jul 07, 2011 3:28 am --

Fireandrain wrote:Educate her how mild bipolar is passed on genetically

This may help a lot. We have children and around the time the first one was born, I was going through a period of thinking maybe my recurring depression is real. But I hadn't felt bad in some time, so I thought maybe it's finally going away for good. Then I wondered if it's the kind of thing that runs in families even though nobody on either side of my family has ever talked about it. I thought about asking the nurses in the newborn ward about it when they and I were talking about things to watch out for as the baby grows up. We talked about earaches and colds and first words and walking, but I didn't ask about depression. I guess that rationalization that I'm just imagining a problem won out. Having read about cyclothymia and bipolar the last few months, I'm aware that in many cases it is a family affair. At the least, I owe it to them to find out if it could happen to them.

Oh it's a family affair alright! My mom and her mother both had...."something"...they could never name it. PMS? Depression? Just a bad personality? ha. I can see clearly now that they were suffering from cyclothymia, just like me. I'm so glad to have identified it, for my daughter's sake, too. She is only 8 and could grow up and be completely "normal", but at least I will be on the alert and she won't possibly have to go 30-40 years wondering what is wrong with her!

I took a big step today. I called the employee assistance program for my workplace. I was so nervous making that call. I'm nervous now waiting. A counselor in my area is supposed to be in touch with me. This smily looks to be smiling nervously enough to capture how I feel.

Oh, I guess part of me expected all the answers in one phone call. Waiting for a call is worse somehow than working up the nerve to make one. It's late in the day already so I probably won't get the call until tomorrow. Oh well. Driving myself crazy sitting still is about to be over with.

UPDATE: That was quicker than I expected. I just got the call back and have an appointment for next week.

-- Tue Jul 12, 2011 11:07 pm --

Yesterday, I started thinking there's nothing wrong. I'm going to see this councilor and he'll tell me everything's fine. But by last night, I was hypomanic. We've been slowly conquering an ant problem in our house and last night I decided to go after the last piece. Done. A dresser drawer with something sticky in it ended up on the front lawn. And everything in the corner where the ants were is in a messy pile. But the only ants I've seen in the house today were on an ant trap.

Then I couldn't sleep for a long time. Endless sequence of thoughts. And energy. I kept tapping my feet together as I lay on my back. My mind stayed so active, I didn't believe I had fallen asleep when I heard my alarm clock. But I did. My wife wasn't in the room when I went to bed and I never heard her come in. But she was next to me when the clock beeped. I think I slept three hours.

I went to work and felt driven to get everything done and it was done quickly and efficiently. But I felt irritated too having to fix problems from yesterday even though they're small problems like the ones I fix every day without any frustration most other times.

I came home for lunch and cleaned up that dresser drawer. Then I went next door with a tree lopper and cut off some walnut tree shoots coming out of a stump the neighbor left. I don't want it having a new lease on life dropping more walnuts in my driveway. I guess that could have waited til I came home later and got out of the shirt and tie. I was pissed off at the tree then but now I'm laughing at how ridiculous I must have looked.

Oh well. Anybody have any advice for my appointment tomorrow? I wasn't told how to prepare, but I'll take my mood journals.