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no self harm/suicide contract

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no self harm/suicide contract

Postby to_live_without_it » Thu Jun 19, 2008 4:30 am

At the last appointment with my psychiologist, she asked if I'd had any thoughts about suicide or about hurting myself (she knows I still cut sometimes). I told her yes. I mean duh, I even told my therapist I can't make it a whole day without thinking of hurting or killing myself. My therapist was concerned, but seemed reassured that I didn't have a "plan", so we've just been talking about it in counseling, and she hasn't told my parents or anything.

So, when my psychologist asked, I figured I should be honest with her, I mean she's in charge of my medication and stuff, so I don't want to lie to her, and end up giving her the wrong idea of what's going on, because then she can't really be helpful, if she doesn't know what's going on.

So, anyways, after I told her that, my psychologist asked if my therapist had me sign a contract. I was like "ummm....no" I had no clue what she was talking about. She's like alright, I'll go copy one, and you sign it". I was like "okay", cuz i didn't really get what was going on.

So, at the end of the session my psychologist called my mom in, and the handed me this, no self harm/suicide contract to fill out. And she gave my mom some printouts on what she should do, and stuff. I was soooooo pissed!! She didn't say that my mom was going to have to sign the form!! I've worked so hard hiding my cuts and especially my feelings from my parents. (They found out when they had to bring me to the hospital 3 years ago. But they don't think I've cut since a week after that)

She sent us into the waiting room to fill out the forms, and there were people I knew from school there!! I was so upset. Because there was this huge title on the paper that said, "No Self Harm/Suicide Conrtact" in huuuuuge letters, so everyone definitely saw it. It was so awkward. Especially the car ride home with my mom after she had to sign it. She hasn't talked about it directly at all. But sometimes she says weird stuff, as if she's joking around, but I really don't find it funny at all. It's just demeaning. The other day I was turning on the stove, so I could make some macaroni and cheese, and my mom was walking out the door, to go get in the pool. She was almost out the door, but then she turned back, and gave me this look and said, "now you're not going to set yourself on fire, are you?" I said, "uhh no mom" and she walked out the door. It feels like she's either overwhelmed, and not dealing with it well, or she thinks it's some kind of joke.

I had hoped that since I've started counseling, been diagnosed with depression, and started taking an anti-depressant, that my mom would start to understand a little bit more, but she really hasn't. It's just frustrating because I don't want to talk and explain things to her because she doesn't understand, and I just end up making her cry or yell. Then I just hate myself, and want to cut even more.

I hate that my psychologist just gave me that contract in from of my mom without any sort of warning. I'm not ready to give up cutting. I've been doing much better on limiting how often, and how severly I cut, not that anyone but me seems to view that as progress. The contracts says that if I even think of hurting myself or think of suicide I have to call one of the phone numbers on the paper. (which is stupid because the numbers are my parents, my therapist, psychologist, and the nearest mental hospital. They were supposed to put some kind of suicide hotline # on there, but they left it blank) There's no way I can do that. I don't feel the need to be on the phone almost all day, and there's really not that much time where I'm alone in my house, so that I could even call and talk about that. (somehow the idea of calling while my mom is folding laundry in the same room just isn't too appealing)

I'm just so frustrated right now, I don't understand how my psychologist expects this to help at all. This is stressing me out a ton, and they've taken away every way of coping I have, except not eating. And I was really starting to trust my therapist, and I was going to tell her about not eating right and stuff, and I thought she'd help me without just making me stop immediately (like she was doing with the cutting) But now not eating and losing weight is the only way I have left to cope, they've taken everything away from me, I don't even feel like my thoughts are free anymore with this stupid contract.

I'm scared. Because I know i'll need to cut again, and when i put it off it just makes me end up cutting deeper or more than I meant to. I'm scared of losing control. I don't know what would happen if I break the contract, no one told me. I'm really scared, what if they decide that just because I cut myself again I'm suicidal and need to be in inpatient? (they have a tendency of being not-understanding like that)

I'm sorry this was so long, I understand if no one reads it, it sort of turned into this huge rant, when I really just wanted to see if anyone had any advice on this contract stuff? Sorry again, I know it's wayyy too long. :(
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Postby S3 » Thu Jun 19, 2008 5:56 am

I'm angry at the lady for you. I've had my trust betrayed by a psychologist before and know how it feels. I think the boundaries of confidentiality need to be more clearly defined before anything like that happens. They certainly shouldn't have risked displaying anything like that in public.

The only thing I can think to tell you is that you'll always be the one who controls your thoughts. No mere contract or situation can ever take that away from you. Maybe you could tell your psychologist how you feel about what happened if you haven't already. At least she'll be more careful in the future hopefully. I hope you find a good way to cope with your depression. Thanks for posting your experience.
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Postby jasmin » Thu Jun 19, 2008 8:30 am

Hi, to_live_without_it. I'm so sorry your psych betraied you like that. She had no right to humiliate you that way and not even warn you or anything.
I don't know what they might do if you self harm, I hope someone can tell you about it if they've been through anything similar. It really isn't fair. They're treating you like your feelings don't even matter, in my opinion. I don't blame you for not wanting to talk to the psych any more.
You still have this place and you can talk here when you feel like cutting or not eating. Please don't put your health in danger becouse of this woman.
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Postby ON_THE_EDGE » Thu Jun 19, 2008 9:40 am

THE RAPIST is in therapist. However, there are some good ones, I found though, they are hard to find, and most I've had are demanding and judgmental.
Disclaimer: Any advice or comments that I give are not meant to cause harm or upset anyone. And if it does, I apologize. After all, it is my opinion, and my perspective. Feel free to get other opinions. My posts are based on part wisdom, part common sense, and part assumption.
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Postby S3 » Thu Jun 19, 2008 7:00 pm

yeah there are some good ones, not saying yours isn't necessarily good, to_live_w/o_it... I miss my last guy. He had to move so I'm currently without one, but he rocked! Mind, I'm an adult now and the only reason he could have reported me to anyone would be if I had plans to act out and hurt someone, but he'd never make me sign a dumb contract. I think it goes without saying or signing that if you cut yourself or hurt others there are consequences. It might have been better if your psych handled it verbally if there were something she was obligated to tell your mom, and certainly it needed to be in private.

A contract seems to serve only the psych, like she can pull it out if something really bad happens and say to her lawyer, "Hey look! I'm not responsible!" Still it might be better than what my psych did. She referred me to a legal psych, supposedly a specialist, who didn't help at all and cost my family more money, (although it was still covered mostly by our family health care). In the end most psychs don't want to risk trusting their clients like their clients trust them it seems, maybe for good reason sometimes, but c'mon, just a little bit of trust can't hurt!
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Advice?

Postby Psych_Passion » Sat Jun 28, 2008 7:22 am

Have you talked to your psychiatrist about how you felt about this?

I think this "professional" really lacked on many terms and you could possibly get their butt on confidentiality. First mistake was not speaking with you about what the contract was about, second mistake was showing it to your mother without your approval. And finally, making you fill out such a form in a waiting room. Those kind of things should be kept behind closed doors kind of concept you know?



I would personally go in and talk to your psychitrist and let them know how pissed off this whole thing made you and how they betrayed your trust in them.


Hope I helped..
.::. I can't do this all on my own.. No I'm no.. I'm no superman .::.
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Postby whero » Sat Jun 28, 2008 7:46 am

he betrayed you and your demeanor. You should be happy to be out now and if your friends are there is that not enough? I was told by a good friend of mine, awkward situations are only awkward if we make them awkward. I would be pretty pissed too. to_live_without_it I wish you the best luck and I should be getting released soon too.
There is nothing to fear except fear itself. - FDR
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Postby HisAngel » Tue Jul 01, 2008 2:30 am

I've never heard of a no harm to self or cutting contract before. It's an interesting idea but I agree that they went about it in the wrong manner.

As far as your mom goes, my mom is the same way. She keeps it all hidden from my family and refuses to talk to me about it in front of them. When I got a tattoo on my wrist it was right next to a scar I have from cutting and of course my aunt asked me what it was from and I ask umm you'll have to ask my mom about that one. It was like she was ashamed of me for being a cutter and being bipolar.
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take the good

Postby kath08 » Wed Jul 02, 2008 8:38 pm

What a crazy stunt your psychologist pulled. My psychologist says he deoesnt tell parents about suicidal thoughts unless I would have a plan.

But take the good from this. I know that all this was ackward I been there, but now it is out in the open and that is for the best from my experience.
Everyone has problems, and feeling ackward admitting them is normal. Once you out the problem, it is easier to see that its just another type of problem to be dealt with. Angelina Jolie openly admits to cutting. Its the biggest most couragious step to take though and maybe you are lucky this happend.

After you come out, you will see who can be there for you to support you. My mom knows but she doesnt help. Its her problem to be like that. Look for those people that will make it feel ok.

I am not making excuses for your shrink here or saying she did you a favor. I am trying to look at the bright side instead.
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Re: take the good

Postby to_live_without_it » Tue Jul 08, 2008 7:15 am

[quote="kath08"]What a crazy stunt your psychologist pulled. My psychologist says he deoesnt tell parents about suicidal thoughts unless I would have a plan.

But take the good from this. I know that all this was ackward I been there, but now it is out in the open and that is for the best from my experience.
Everyone has problems, and feeling ackward admitting them is normal. Once you out the problem, it is easier to see that its just another type of problem to be dealt with. Angelina Jolie openly admits to cutting. Its the biggest most couragious step to take though and maybe you are lucky this happend.

After you come out, you will see who can be there for you to support you. My mom knows but she doesnt help. Its her problem to be like that. Look for those people that will make it feel ok.

I am not making excuses for your shrink here or saying she did you a favor. I am trying to look at the bright side instead.[/quote]

i'm sorry about your mom not being helpful/supportive. :(

I know that can be really tough. My mom tries to help. But we're soooo not on the same page that it feels like she's reading "cures" from a kid's picture book expecting them to "fix me" while I look at her like she's nuts for thinking her little rhymes can "save" me from this 1000 page latin novel i'm muddling through.

Anyways i do try to look for the people who make it feel ok, like you said. But I feel like my psych and my therapist [b]should[/b] be among those people. But they're not. At all. Whenever I tell them things I always tone it down, and make it sound not nearly as bad as it actually is/feels. Otherwise I'm scared what they'll do/think, since they reacted much stronger than i anticipated to my "watered-down" versions of the truth. Now i find myself just lying to them, and telling them i'm doing better. Like i've done w/ many other therapists in the past. I'm worried b/c i really do want help. and i think i might need it. But i don't feel like they understand what i'm saying at all. it just seems so foreign to them. they know about depression and stuff from books. but they act like they have no concept of how i feel. it's so frustrating.

I think i'll either except that i'm just some sort of weird anomaly, or wait 6 1/2 months till i'm 18, and just find some new therapist, tell them the truth. straight out. no lies. and see where that lands me. I'm starting not to care so much where that is.

- kim
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