At the last appointment with my psychiologist, she asked if I'd had any thoughts about suicide or about hurting myself (she knows I still cut sometimes). I told her yes. I mean duh, I even told my therapist I can't make it a whole day without thinking of hurting or killing myself. My therapist was concerned, but seemed reassured that I didn't have a "plan", so we've just been talking about it in counseling, and she hasn't told my parents or anything.
So, when my psychologist asked, I figured I should be honest with her, I mean she's in charge of my medication and stuff, so I don't want to lie to her, and end up giving her the wrong idea of what's going on, because then she can't really be helpful, if she doesn't know what's going on.
So, anyways, after I told her that, my psychologist asked if my therapist had me sign a contract. I was like "ummm....no" I had no clue what she was talking about. She's like alright, I'll go copy one, and you sign it". I was like "okay", cuz i didn't really get what was going on.
So, at the end of the session my psychologist called my mom in, and the handed me this, no self harm/suicide contract to fill out. And she gave my mom some printouts on what she should do, and stuff. I was soooooo pissed!! She didn't say that my mom was going to have to sign the form!! I've worked so hard hiding my cuts and especially my feelings from my parents. (They found out when they had to bring me to the hospital 3 years ago. But they don't think I've cut since a week after that)
She sent us into the waiting room to fill out the forms, and there were people I knew from school there!! I was so upset. Because there was this huge title on the paper that said, "No Self Harm/Suicide Conrtact" in huuuuuge letters, so everyone definitely saw it. It was so awkward. Especially the car ride home with my mom after she had to sign it. She hasn't talked about it directly at all. But sometimes she says weird stuff, as if she's joking around, but I really don't find it funny at all. It's just demeaning. The other day I was turning on the stove, so I could make some macaroni and cheese, and my mom was walking out the door, to go get in the pool. She was almost out the door, but then she turned back, and gave me this look and said, "now you're not going to set yourself on fire, are you?" I said, "uhh no mom" and she walked out the door. It feels like she's either overwhelmed, and not dealing with it well, or she thinks it's some kind of joke.
I had hoped that since I've started counseling, been diagnosed with depression, and started taking an anti-depressant, that my mom would start to understand a little bit more, but she really hasn't. It's just frustrating because I don't want to talk and explain things to her because she doesn't understand, and I just end up making her cry or yell. Then I just hate myself, and want to cut even more.
I hate that my psychologist just gave me that contract in from of my mom without any sort of warning. I'm not ready to give up cutting. I've been doing much better on limiting how often, and how severly I cut, not that anyone but me seems to view that as progress. The contracts says that if I even think of hurting myself or think of suicide I have to call one of the phone numbers on the paper. (which is stupid because the numbers are my parents, my therapist, psychologist, and the nearest mental hospital. They were supposed to put some kind of suicide hotline # on there, but they left it blank) There's no way I can do that. I don't feel the need to be on the phone almost all day, and there's really not that much time where I'm alone in my house, so that I could even call and talk about that. (somehow the idea of calling while my mom is folding laundry in the same room just isn't too appealing)
I'm just so frustrated right now, I don't understand how my psychologist expects this to help at all. This is stressing me out a ton, and they've taken away every way of coping I have, except not eating. And I was really starting to trust my therapist, and I was going to tell her about not eating right and stuff, and I thought she'd help me without just making me stop immediately (like she was doing with the cutting) But now not eating and losing weight is the only way I have left to cope, they've taken everything away from me, I don't even feel like my thoughts are free anymore with this stupid contract.
I'm scared. Because I know i'll need to cut again, and when i put it off it just makes me end up cutting deeper or more than I meant to. I'm scared of losing control. I don't know what would happen if I break the contract, no one told me. I'm really scared, what if they decide that just because I cut myself again I'm suicidal and need to be in inpatient? (they have a tendency of being not-understanding like that)
I'm sorry this was so long, I understand if no one reads it, it sort of turned into this huge rant, when I really just wanted to see if anyone had any advice on this contract stuff? Sorry again, I know it's wayyy too long.