How to help (and how to deal with a failure)

(Read only when safe. A lot of emotions from a POV of someone who's close to the person who has a problem with self-harm. I'm looking for an advice because I really want to help, so your ideas could be useful).

At the beginning I have to say that I used to cut so that's not an unknown thing for me. What's new is that having a problem is completely different than helping someone with the same problem.

I have a friend. She cuts herself. For a long time we dealt with that together. I was just trying to be around that she would trust me enough to know that she can always turn to me first before anything will happen. It worked. She even decided to promise me that she will come and talk first. We had dozens of nervous moments but as a result she didn't cut for months.

It worked. Until it didn't.

One day I did my best but it wasn't enough. She - kinda - did it almost in front of me. She locked herself in a bathroom so I knew what's going on. I tried to get in, begging her to open the door and stop. Then I've heard that there's no need to beg and waste my breath because it's already done.

It was shocking. Truly shocking. For a moment I stopped feeling anything like somebody would hit me in the head. Everything went quiet. I - finally - mechanically opened that door, grabbed her and tried to take care of the situation. She kept asking "will you say anything, just say something, why are you silent" but I just couldn't find any word in my mind. That's when she started to apologize. I said that "there's no need to apologize me - forgive yourself". She said that she's sorry that she did it in front of me - she didn't want me to watch but she promised to talk first - so she was stuck.

Since that time I'm afraid that it's gonna happen again. I've got a feeling that I've had to let her down somehow and that's why did it happen. I feel responsible for that. And guilty. I find it really trigerring to me to talk with her about the problem now. Also - I'm not sure if she will come to me again. What if she'll decide to protect me and keep it to herself? I don't want her to be alone with that. I know how it's like to be alone...

Is that my fault? What did I do wrong? What more could I do than to be around? How to react for a failure? It just knocked me down.

Just a few questions: how to help? What to do if it don't work?

Hi -

I'd have to say, no, it wasn't your fault at all. Cutting is something that she is dealing with, and if she harms herself, it is because she decided to do it. It is not your fault when she decides to cut. I have to admit that I find it very concerning that you're putting yourself in this position of responsibility. I realize that you really care for her and want to help her, but you aren't a professional who is trained in how to deal with this. She needs a professional therapist to provide her proper help. Therapists are also trained on how to distance themselves, so that when their client does end up "failing", they aren't emotionally dragged down as well. The danger here is that when you're taking up this role, you are being emotionally dragged down as you are too intimate in the situation and not trained on how to distance yourself.

I do believe that you should simply be the support person for her, someone who is around for when she wants to talk, when she wants to have someone to lean on. But you should not be the person that is there to try to force her not to cut and stop her, in my opinion that is way too much responsibility on you. She needs to get help for this, and not have her friend attempt to throw themselves between her and her blade. That's not a healthy way to battle this, in my opinion. (Please remember, this is all my opinion..)

Does she see a therapist? If not, something you could do is strongly urge her to do so. And if she does, urge her to be honest with her therapist and really try to work on it with them.

- EGD.

EarlGreyDregs wrote:I'd have to say, no, it wasn't your fault at all. Cutting is something that she is dealing with, and if she harms herself, it is because she decided to do it. It is not your fault when she decides to cut. I have to admit that I find it very concerning that you're putting yourself in this position of responsibility.

I'm already trying to solve that problem with taking too much responsibility. I'm way too involved. I know that I shouldn't feel guilty - I just can't help it. Yet - I hope.

I realize that you really care for her and want to help her, but you aren't a professional who is trained in how to deal with this. She needs a professional therapist to provide her proper help. Therapists are also trained on how to distance themselves, so that when their client does end up "failing", they aren't emotionally dragged down as well. The danger here is that when you're taking up this role, you are being emotionally dragged down as you are too intimate in the situation and not trained on how to distance yourself.

It makes a perfect sense... the problem is that she sees a therapist weekly. I'm the one who lives with her and if she comes to me and if I know what is happening I can't stand there, do nothing and watch her suffering.

I didn't put a pressure on her - she talked when she wanted to. I didn't demand that promise - she wanted it. I was fine for a very long time. Now - yes - it's really dragging me down. My own demons woke up.

I do believe that you should simply be the support person for her, someone who is around for when she wants to talk, when she wants to have someone to lean on. But you should not be the person that is there to try to force her not to cut and stop her, in my opinion that is way too much responsibility on you. She needs to get help for this, and not have her friend attempt to throw themselves between her and her blade. That's not a healthy way to battle this, in my opinion.

But what should I do if it will happen again? Leave her? I just wonder... I really don't know. I want to do what's best for her.

(Please remember, this is all my opinion..)

It's fine. I'll think about your words. I'm grateful that you shared with your opinion. Thank you.

Hi

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation and that you are feeling so bad. None of this is your fault. What I am going to say does not mean your friend is a bad person and I do understand she is struggling a lot. But I dont think this is remotely fair on you and I think the way she behaved was totally inappropriate. Trying to involve you in her cutting, whether or not she was doing so intentionally and I dont know about, is not fair on you. The person who needs to take responsibility here is your friend. In my experience taking responsibility for yourself and not dragging other ppl in is a big bit of healing. Of course she can lean on you for support but there need to be boundaries there about what is and is not appropriate. In my opinion these boundaries are being grossly breached atm. Please do not take the responsibility for this- it is not yours to take. I think the best thing you can do if she behaves like this is tell her you love her but that she urgently needs to see help and also talk to her therapist.

I really hope that this does not come across as too harsh or upsetting but I felt I needed to say it. I have been where she was and it is not a good place to be and behaving in that manner needs to stop-only she can do this tho.

Many hugs and please keep talking

Cracked

CrackedGirl, it' totally OK to be honest. I'm thankful for your words. I understand that they're doesn't mean that you're being judgemental. Thank you for the truth. I think that I need a feedback. I'm way too long alone with my thoughts. Sometimes I just don't know what's right anymore.

Is that fair? I wondered so many times... If I feel forced into a corner now, then maybe it's not exactly fair. That recent event was pretty traumatic for me. Now I'm hypersensitive and starting to freaking out inside when I only see that she's sad. That's stressful.

I think that I must've get too involved at some point. That's it. I wasn't prepared that love is not enough (that's a tough lesson to learn... hurts like hell). That's true that I'm not able to distance myself.

I think that I'm just starting to understand that protecting the one that you love is not always the best for that person.

Boundaries, you said. Well... you're right. I guess that I need to think that through. It's possible that I'll have to prepare for a serious conversation with her before another incident.

Thank you.

You really do find yourself in a tough place - I hope you are able to find a way through and if I can help at all please just shout me

Happy new year

Hugs

Cracked