Do I minimize my past?

I have difficulties even calling it abuse. My friend is a psychologist and we wetr talking about it and he brought up that I was making excuses for my father.

My dad beat my brothers and I pretty bad. I have no memory of my brothers being hit, but I'm sure it had to happen to them too (I am the middle child). I think it stopped around 9, and I have no idea when it started. Compared to what a lot of people suffered, it seems insignificant. My dad would only beat me when he was embarrassed because of some perceived (and what I mostly felt was unwarranted) disobedience in public. For example, the worst time was because during my first cub scouts meeting I wa ssplaying with the other kids and we were running around. My dad said to sit down and I didn't right away I guess. When I did I didnt even think that I had done anything wrong until I got into the car, that's where it usually happened. As soon as we got in the car he hit me in the stomach at full strength. It was always unexpected. It usually stopped with one hit. Usually, I knew I did something "wrong" like fooling around in church or something. Looking back, it wasn't anything bad. I can't even imagine getting mad at the stuff. My dad never hit me because I was bad, it was only if he got embarrassed.

So this time, he didn't stop hitting me until we got home. I got away and ran into my room or he threw me in there (I slept in the top bunk) he followed me in and beat me pretty badly for a minute or so (could have been longer, I really just remember being balled up in the top bunk and him hitting me then saying something to make me feel guilty). It may have been the last time he really beat me. There were a few more times he hit me once, but that was the last prolonged beating. He messed up and hit me in the face once. I got a terrible swollen and cut lip. He told me the laughably typical "I walked in to a door" in case anyone asked. No one did. Maybe because I had brothers people assumed that was it? I wanted to tell someone so badly. I have a very vivid memory of buying ice cream at lunch and a nun was in front of me in line. Her lip was bleeding and I said "sister Florence, your lip is bleeding." she just kept eating her ice cream. I waited a few seconds and said something like "my lip is bleeding cause I walked into a door.

She was loopy as hell. I don't think she even acknowledged me. she just kept eating her ice cream Popsicle. I never spoke up again.

I'm not angry about it though. I can see how small kids are at those ages now. I understand how terrible what he was doing is, but I can't feel any anger. Even when I was a kid I don't ever remember being really scared. It was so irractic I guess. I have suspicions my one friends parents said something that stopped it because my da got really weird one day and wouldn't let me play with him. His mom came to pick me up to go to his soccer game and then to his house after. My dad said I could only go to the game. She tried for a few minutes to get him to let me stay longer and was even going to drve me back. He just said no. No reason. I never saw him again after that. He was my best friend, too.

I have no idea where my mom was when the beatings happened. She is aN alcoholic, and that was when she was bad. She would pass out on the floor and stuff. Scary $#%^ when you are kid. She stopped and went back to school and didn't go bak to drinking until my brothers became drug addicts after high school. I guess she was afraid or just too drunk to care. Again, I'm not angry. She want working so she depended on my dad, so I guess she couldn't have left him. They fought a lot.

I even remember he would snap his belt as a warning (I can't remember ever being beaten with it) and my brothers and I thought it was funny. I liked the sound it made. It wasn't scary like terrifying scary, but a fun kind of scary. I can't really describe it well.

Anyway, I'm 29 and ###$ up to hell. Terrible depression and anxiety. I have extemely low self esteem. I can't even go out anymore. I just sit at home and smoke weed until I need to go to sleep. I get so anxious around crowds and people. I feel like no one ever wants to talk to me and if they are it's because they are being polite and it's just torture for them.

My therapist (who i stopped seeing, so I cant ask him this now) said it could be because my mom, the person who is supposed to love you more than anything, didn't care about me (because she "let" my dad hit me and stuff like that). I still don't feel any anger or anything though.

Was this a typical childhood experience? When I think of child abuse I think of scalding with hot water and severe beatings with a belt or hanger or something. I can mostly only remember being hit once (usually in the car, I guess my brothers let me ride shotgun all the time for that reason).

Am I minimizing what he did, or is that just typical of a father who loses his temper? I think of my childhood as good. My parents were pretty terrible at parenting, but they always gave us rides places and took us to fun things. I wa depressed most of my life, but I didn't know it when I was a teenager. I assumed I was just your typical angsty teen and since I didnt feel "sad" I wasn't depressed. Even though at times I was suicidal. I even thougt that was just for attention, even though I never once told anyone.

I guess I just don't know what other people went through do I don't know how i should feel. Sorry I went on so long. I have great difficulty communicating the thoughts in my head without going of on tangents and taking forever to say something most could in two sentences.

That is not at all typical of a parent losing their temper.

The norm is a bit of shouting, being sent to your room, at worst getting a smack on the backside. Definitely not being hit in the stomach, then hit repeatedly in the car on the way home, then thrown into your room and being beaten more. That is definitely abuse.

That doesn't mean you have to feel anything in particular about it though. You don't have to feel angry, sad, happy, anything.

nothingcertain, there is something certain. You're allowed to feel what you feel. Many, many children who were abused struggle with this most basic concept, you're not alone. Abusive parents frequently overwhelm the household with their own uncontrolled emotions, and then tell the child that they are not entitled to respond to being hit, isolated, belittled, abandoned. As a result, as adults, we don't know whether our feelings are "legitimate" or whether we're "overreacting" to what is right in front of our noses.

So read this carefully as many times as you need to: you're not overreacting. Growing up with father that beat you and then blamed you for his abuse and a mother who's alcoholism prevented her from being available to nurture and protect you is traumatic. Keep talking, we'll keep listening. And sending hugs to you.

OTB

Thanks. I just don't understand why I don't feel angry. Everytime I remember it, I think how ###$ up it is to hit a small child at all, let alone with the full strength of an adult.

My mom had texted me on Saturday saying "remember tomorrow is father's day" and I just don't care. I never care about holidays. I try to skip out on as many as possible (mostly because I don't know wether my mom will be drunk or not, and I can't stand seeing my dad and uncle offering her wine).

My parents have been good the past few years. Its really confusing on how I should feel. It's like I'm not angry at all, but I still don't like my family.

I don't feel like I have a family. I was going to take my therapists advice and "adopt" my friend's family, because I felt like they were more family to me (I've known then for all but 5 years of my life). Twos days later, my friend's father died. Very tragic and the service was for family only. It made me realize that isn't a possibility. I can't impose myself on someone else. It's not real. I have the option of being alone or being with a family I can't stand and feel alone when I am with them anyway. I don't talk to anyone when we get together anyway.

Just feels sucky.

i dont think there is any specific way you should feel. Anyway, who am I to tell you how to feel? I know you kind of feel lost. To be honest I like your therapist's idea of adopting your friend's family, especially since you have known them for so long. As you may already know, a healthy father and mother figure are the most important things an individual needs when growing up. It's really sad that it didn't work out though, as your friend's father passed away...that must feel absolutely horrible to you. I am really sorry. Are there things that you do that make you happy? Like hobbies at whatnot? I think picking up a hobby can take your mind off these thoughts at least temporarily.

Keep talking to your therapist. that is key.

Hope things get better.

No wonder you are afraid to go out an anxious - you never knew what to expect and what he did was not okay. So now you dont have any security never knowing what to expect next so you are choosing to isolate. I hope you find peace.

i think to some extent it is normal to want to minimize things that happened, as a survival strategy. it can hurt to face it so we tell ourselves, oh it wasn't that bad, i've heard of so much worse things happening. but all you have is your own experience which clearly did feel to you like abuse.

it does get easier to talk about these things and if you keep working at it you will find that you don't need to minimize as much.