confused and suspicious

I have a concern about a child.
I have been Married to a man for the last year who turned on a dime a couple of days after we got married from the kind caring person I got to know to an emotionally distant, cold, uncaring individual. He had no previous relationships prior to me and the first time we attempted physical intimacy he was unable to. And that was the end of that. Refused to have sex after that. I wont go into details of my relationship but I left him a month ago after a year of progressive emotional and psychological abuse.

I am happy to be free of him but since I am out now, I see things so much clearer. He has a sister who split from her husband before I met him. She has a preteen son whom my husband is very close to. He travels to see the boy once every 4 weeks, insists on vacationing with his sister and the boy every single time the boy is with his mother (irrespective of whether I was able to take vacation at the time). Even during the times I have accompanied him, he got annoyed when I would join in on activities that he would take the boy to.he kept trying to get me to hang with his sister while he took the boy to his weekend activities solo. I also was surprised to see how touchy feely he was with the boy, given that I have never seen him be physically affectionate with anyone else-no one in his family and definitely not me.he would constantly hold the boy's hand, stroke his hand, pat his back, put his arms around him and pick him up and the boy would regularly climb into his lap and sit there.the boy has some behavioral issues (texture sensitivity with regard to food, he only eats very very few things, occasional bedwetting, a nervous tic) which have all been explained by my husband and his sister by saying the boys father is a narcissist and was verbally/physically abusive when he lost his temper. I have never met the man and it seemed plausible at the time. Also, although the boy interacts normally with me, his mom and most others, when he interacts with my husband, he seems to regress in behavior to the level of a 3-5 year old (giggly, talking nonsense,repetitive vocalizations and words, sometimes sing song voice) which he does not do with anyone else. And recently, before I decided to leave, when the boy came to visit, my husband went upstairs and slept in the same bed with him both nights he was there.

All these things concern me , but what confuses me is that the boy does not seem scared of him and seems genuinely fond of him.Also, the boy's mother has been privy to most of these behaviors but it does not seem to faze her.

I m not sure- am I over reacting? I dont know what to do.I dont have any hard evidence that there is anything dark going on. Only a sick feeling in my gut and all this circumstantial evidence.

I can see why you're confused.. he's so distant with you - acted one way before you got married, and then completely changed afterwards and became progressively aggressive and abusive.. and then he's so affectionate with his nephew.

It could be something to worry about, or it could be simply that they've got a unique bond, and understand eachother in a way that can only happen between 2 people that are really similar.
I'm no expert, and this definitely isn't me saying that i think he has it.. but i'm seeing some aspergers/autism traits in the description you've given of the little boy, and was wondering if you've ever thought that he might have aspergers/autism at all.

That leads me on to wondering if your husband could have aspergers/autism at all.. would that be possible,? and if so.. that could be an innocent explanation for the super close bond the pair seem to share.. that they're so close because they're so similar, and can only really open up with eachother, because they feel a bit alien around others.

All these things concern me , but what confuses me is that the boy does not seem scared of him and seems genuinely fond of him.Also, the boy's mother has been privy to most of these behaviors but it does not seem to faze her

.

If there is abuse going on.. it's not that unusual for a child to seem fond of the person that's doing it. As long as it's not physically painful, and the person acts kindly towards them, they're too young and vulnerable to understand that what's happening isn't okay. All abuse has impact on us, but it's not until quite a lot later on that we really understand exactly why we're so messed up in certain respects.

So I wouldn't take that as a definite sign that abuse isn't happening.. but nor would i take the other things as a definite sign that abuse is happening..

sorry.. not much help am I

As for the mother being unfazed by everything.. it probably hasn't ever crossed her mind that her brother could do something like that.. and if you think back to before you got married to him, would you have felt that he could be abusing the little boy at that point?
You're perceiving him in a totally new way now.. and you're confused and trying to make sense of everything. This is what your brain has come up with, because it seems to be the most logical explanation for the weirdness..
The boys mother sees her brother and son enjoying spending time together - she's seeing him through a positive, sibling, family love perception filter..

No saying at this point which one of you is right or wrong.. though i'm very much hoping that there's a better explanation here than the one that you're scared of.

Thanks for the reply!!

Yes I have thought of autism as a possible diagnosis for the boy. I've felt he was on the spectrum for a while now( though high functioning). That could explain some, though not all of his behaviors. He does seem to have friends and get on with boys his own age. He acts completely normally around them. Although he still has the tic and doesn't like to eat around them.

I also considered autism as a possible explanation for my husband and then figured out that wasn't the case. Just because in company i.e.) when anyone is watching him, he is the extremely charming person you when we are out in public, he is even affectionate and warm towards me. Used to put his arm around me, make eye contact, laugh and jokes. In public. The minute we were alone, the switch was flipped again. This isn't typical of autism, where you are completely charming in one context and behave completely differently in another context.

When I first got to know him, right at the start I thought it was sweet he was attached to his nephew. But even early on,I did feel that there was an unhealthy lack of boundaries. Then over the course of time, I became more and more uncomfortable with what was looking to ncreasingly like an obsession. But I was also preoccupied with how miserable my own life was, and that seemed like just another worry to deal with. Now that I'm out and I've gained some distance, I'm trying to make sense of everything that has happened over the last year. Like you said, there is really no way to know for sure. I don't have to deal with him anymore and feel lucky about that. I would hate to do anything to jeopardize what could be a genuine relationship ( although I have my doubts) so I think I'm going to count myself that I never have to bear witness to what I think is very inappropriate behavior. I hope to goodness that I don't have to bear witness to what I believe is very inappropriate behavior ( at the least) I hope to goodness this kids parents watch out for him.

I agree with Sea and also with you now that you have added the additional info.

I don't think you can do a thing except maybe write down what is worrying you and maybe put some dates to events. Put it away and maybe forget it.

Maybe one day that info will be important. I am not sure where you are, but in Australia such a report would be lucky to be a file note. Our community services are so overloaded.