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Confrontation with mother *TW*

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Confrontation with mother *TW*

Postby OllieLuka » Sat May 13, 2017 2:01 am

So, my mother has this weird way of trying to get me to do things. I don't know if she thinks she's being motivational or something, but I know she doesn't think she's being abusive. When she wants me to do chores she tells me about how lazy I am and how I need to get off my a** and help around the house because according to her, I do nothing (if you ignore the fact that the only chore she does is her own laundry. I clean the entire house once a week, do the dishes and take out the trash every night, etc). Whenever she catches me eating a snack she gets upset because I'm going to be "fat for the rest of [my] life" (all I eat all day is a small meal when I get home from classes and a little snack around 7pm. I'm 5 foot 4 and about 110 pounds and dropping. I've been having such a tough time eating that I've had to consciously convince myself to eat lunch). she also likes telling me that I'm dumb when my grades slip below an A. My grades dropping aren't reflective of my intelligence, they're reflective of how I've been on a downward spiral of stress and depression and anxiety for years now. And most of my stress comes from dealing with my mother.

When she's in a good mood, she's practically a delight to be around. She's funny, she's smart, etc. But she's in a good mood so rarely, especially recently.

Today when I got home she was in a bad mood. I had forgotten to grab the mail on the way into the house, and I told her I'd get it later. She seemed fine with that. But, I have a suspected (not diagnosed) dissociative disorder, and as a result I have a tendency to just forget things. Not like amnesia, more like the forgetfulness that comes with Derealization and Depersonalization. So after about an hour I had completely forgotten about getting the mail. My mother isn't tolerant of my forgetfulness, especially since I've never gone to her with my problems with dissociation, since she doesn't really believe that it exists (she also doesn't believe that Depression and Anxiety are actual conditions, both of which I am almost certain I have). I just don't trust her to help me when she doesn't believe in these things. She would just tell me to suck it up and stop being a [insert whatever derogatory word or phrase you want here].

She was getting upset that I hadn't done the mail yet, but she didn't yet mention it, and brought up a different topic. She had bought me a dress the day before and wanted me to try it on. I'm a Transmale with severe body image issues, so I didn't want to do that. (She also doesn't know about the trans thing, since I don't know how she'd react to the news). She knows that I hate girly clothing like that. I makes me really uncomfortable and depressed, but she kept insisting that I try the dress on. I kept refusing because I didn't want to deal with the stress and the depression that would follow it later. She finally snapped at me after I refused for a while. She said "Why don't you find a fourth way to disappoint me tonight, huh? Go for a record." Then she got really quiet, and nothing scares me more than when she gets really quiet and just sits there angrily.

I don't know why I'm so scared of her. She's never once hit me, not even when I was little because she thinks that spanking a child is equivalent to abuse (ironic, isn't it?). But anytime she goes to touch me, I flinch like my body thinks she's going to hit me, and that just makes her angrier. She hates any suggestion of abuse. Every time I flinch she shouts about how I act like she's "abusing" me, even though she believes she isn't. I don't think she quite realizes that abuse can be verbal as well, not just physical. I have no idea how she can't see it. When an emotionally abusive parent comes on a TV show, she shows so much sadness and empathy for the child who has to go through that, then she turns on me and berates me for being "lazy" and "getting fat", because I just ate a pretzel.

Anyway, after a long silence she spoke up again and asked me to name the three things I had done that upset her. So, I said "1. I didn't get the mail promptly. 2. I didn't wear the dress.... And I don't know what three is..." Then she got even more mad because I hadn't been "listening to [her]" When I asked what 3 was, she just said "No. I won't tell you. But, I guess we have that fourth disappointment I was talking about earlier." She's gone to bed now, and she never told me what the third one was. And I find it so hard to break out of the mindset that all of this is my fault- that I'm a bad child, like she says. I'm finding it so difficult to not dwell on it. I know I should just ignore it and move on with my night, but I can't help but feel like I should remember that third one and make everything right because it was my fault in the first place. Even writing this was hard. Calling her abusive is so hard because in my mind somewhere I feel like I brought her anger on myself, but I know that's just a part of it.

I don't have a question or anything. I just wanted to rant for a bit. I only really have one friend outside of my head and he is really bad with dealing with these kinds of things. I went to him for help one time when I was feeling really depressed and he told another one of his friends who I'm not very close with and they held an "intervention". I basically haven't been able to trust anyone since. But I've always found it easier to talk to people over the internet, so I decided to post on here.

Sorry for the really long rant. I just needed to get this stuff off my chest.
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