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Trying to regain confidence

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Trying to regain confidence

Postby thunderseed » Sat May 13, 2017 1:27 am

I've been trying to regain my confidence for years, even struggled with eating disorders it was so bad. I had a very traumatic experience where someone nearly killed me in the past, and it made me feel worthless and ever since then I've had low self esteem, but I've been making progress on coming to terms with that.

Unfortunately, while working on my self esteem I've realized that my parents are emotionally abusive and that is also derailing my confidence. They are a constant blow to my self-esteem. And I still question if I'm just over exaggerating, if the problem is me, I always try to give them the benefit of the doubt, but I'm finally seeing things more clearly. They are extremely emotionally abusive towards me and always have been. I don't know if it's intentional, but it happens way too often, sometimes 30 times in an hour of seeing them, and it needs to stop in order for me to feel better about myself.

I'm 28 years old and I feel trapped in their cage, because they bought me a house and allow me to rent it from them for super cheap. I'm on disability welfare and have a very low paying job on the side, so I'm pretty much stuck with no other place to go. I don't want to lose this house and I need the money they give me for food.

I also don't drive so quite frequently my mom will give me rides to places. I've bought an e-bike so I can have more independence and get my groceries myself without having to rely on them. But the thing is I quickly fall back into her trap, she'll pretend to be all nice and shower me with affection until I agree to go out grocery shopping with her, and then while we're out somewhere along the line she will sneak in a vicious, hurtful comment that makes me feel terrible about myself.

Before I found my part time job, they were constantly insulting me and nagging at me to find a job, but worse is they kept black mailing me about finances. It was like "we're giving you this money so now we control you and you can't have any say about any decisions in your own life". I would ask them for help with certain things and they would basically refuse to and treat me like a child, and completely take away my freedom to do what I want to do. And then I would try to do things on my own, but they would swoop in and take control of other things and I'm always so easily controlled because of my low self esteem.

The terrible thing is, once I found a job, they were super unsupportive and refused to help me succeed, almost as if they wanted me to fail and go back to relying on them. Every time I do something positive or succeed, they shoot it down.

Every time I am around them, they manage to slip in comments that are hurtful to me.

I messed up today. I was firm with myself and said, I'm not going to grocery shopping with her anymore. But then I hadn't seen her in days and she came to my house without really asking my permission, and when she got here she was happy, and I was also happy to see her, and we were in a good mood and so I agreed to go with her... it was a terrible mistake, because once we were in the grocery store, she called me a name jokingly, twice in a row and it's a name that I really do not like and she knows it, I've told her so many times before that I hate being called that and it really bothers me.

Today though, the name itself didn't hurt, what hurt was the realization that she called me that and knew it's something that bothers me. Why would someone that cares about you knowingly do something like that, and in a joking manner? Sometimes I wonder if it's intentional, but I don't know if it is.
I refused to let it go this time, and she reacted like usual, getting all defensive and thinking she did nothing wrong, acting all happy and oblivious until I just walked away. Then she tried to stop me by asking if I wanted her to take my groceries back in the store, and I just said no. It's like she tries to do things for me to control me, and then she insults me.
But I walked away, did my other stuff, met her back at the car and she apologized, like usual. But her apologies are never sincere. This time she said, "I apologize, I know it bothers you to be called that, I just wasn't thinking." And I didn't acccept the apology because it's stupid how many times that happens, that she just doesn't think and ends up insulting me or saying things that she knows I don't like. I don't think she even cares truly, because like usual when she dropped me off at my house, she was in a careless mood and was happy enough to drive away without resolving the problem, and at this point, maybe that's a good thing. It always happens like that.
The emotional abuse is always just a little thing, but it happens too often, and it derails my self-esteem.

Just the other day, it was the stupidest, smallest thing ever, but I was on this 24 hour bid site bidding on something and I was with her at the time because it was my dad's birthday. I was almost at the end of bidding war and was crossing my fingers that I would win, and one second she was supprtive and encouraging, and the next she told me, "Oh you're not going to win, someone else is going to bid on it at the last second" and I was just like, why would you say that??? Then she literally told me, "Oh well I don't want you to get too confident."
That really bothered me, and that was when I realized I truly think she doesn't want me to get too confident. The same day, my dad was emotionally abusive to me and it was just too much to handle. I can't be around them anymore. It's unfortunate because May and June is when their birthdays are, and of course fathers day and mother's day, it's too many days where I have to be with them, and then my birthday is in July and we've already planned to do something together.

They always manipulate me and she attacks me and brings me down, when we get into fights she becomes very condescending and whenver I have beliefs or hopes or dreams, they make sure to stomp on it and they constantly make sure to tell me that I'm a burden to them and that I'm not good enough or that my plans are stupid and they never offer me encouragement when I suceed at things.
Just the other day I asked if I could borrow money from them and pay them back on friday since that's when my check came in, and that's always a terrible issue because they are always blackmailing me about money. Well I made the mistake of telling my mom that I am putting aside a savings for my future. So now every chance she gets, she encourages me to spend that savings money, and it's almost like she doesn't want me to be saving up for my future. It's weird because they spend so much time insulting me and lecturing me about how much they hate having to look after me, but every time I try to become independent, they won't let me.

I know I need to limit the time I spend with them. But I seriously thought a quick grocery shopping would be okay, well it wasn't. I feel like an addict relapsing every time I fall for her displays of kindness. It's so easy for her to convince me to go along with whatever she wants. It's so hard for me to stand up for myself, and to stick to my boundaries. But I definitely need to if I ever want to be confident and independent.
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