Tired of being empty

Well I finally got a computer. I don't know what I was expecting, maybe like it would fill this gnawing void, but it hasn't. I can't seem to enjoy doing anything I used to. I have this constant feeling of emptiness and boredom. I have no attention span. I can't concentrate. My life is crumbling around me and there is nothing I can do about it. This feeling inside is so intense, yet I can't describe it. It's like a boiling rage, with no focus. I feel like I'm going to explode and I can't figure out why. My house is disgusting...not just a mess but filthy. To the point where I'm terrified I'll get bugs or get sick, but I can't make myself do anything about it. I try to start cleaning and I get disgusted and frustrated and just give up. It's too much. I let everything get so far gone that I can't fix it. I don't want to do anything, I just want it all to end. Yet I don't want to die. I just want a brand new life or something. Actual people who actually care about me. Some kind of purpose. I have my son here this week and all I seem able to do is ignore him or yell at him. The sound of his voice alone is sending ice picks through my brain. I love him, but right now I wish he was somewhere else. I hate him seeing me like this. Why am I always like this, I'm so sick of it! Why can't I just be a normal functional person? Instead I sit in my filth and complain. I feel so overwhelmed with everything and there's never any relief.

OMG you took the words I am feeling right now, right out of my mouth.
EMPTY. I feel it too. I am sitting here at work, I have someone coming in for an interview in 20 minutes, and I don't want to see or talk to anyone. I am completely unmotivated, and just count down the minutes that I can go home, go to sleep, and not pretend to be happy.
Feeling like you want to explode---I hear you. I want to scream at everyone that talks to me.
There are so many other things I should be doing right now, my desk is disorganized, and I have so much work to do....yet I sit here, blankly-Just like you're feeling.

I am so sorry that another person feels this way.
I too want to run away. It's completely overwhelming, yet we're sitting still at the same time. How can that be? It's exhausting to feel this way, and no one seems to get it. I get it nam24601...

I want to run, hide, and stop the torture inside.
I wish you peace....Please feel free to message me if you want to talk.


...time for me to put on my 'happy face' mask....

Hopeful55 wrote: and just count down the minutes that I can go home, go to sleep, and not pretend to be happy.

...time for me to put on my 'happy face' mask....

Why do you pretend to be happy if you're not?

No one can love you if you pretend to be something you are not all the time.

Love is ONLY tested in times when people are NOT happy.

If you dont put on that happy face, people think something is wrong with you. So many times if i didnt put on a fake happy face, people would always say they thought i was angery or in a bad mood.
When i was just being me. Therefore a fake happy face makes normal people happy.

I agree...so many times I've had people tell me to smile more, or cheer up, at times when I was just feeling normal. People see a flat affect and automatically assume the person is miserable when really they're just relaxed. I guess. If I didn't put on a fake mask and actually showed all the emotions running through me my face would probably get whiplash lol. I'd look like a lunatic...my moods change so quickly.

Hi ThisEndUp---
I put on the happy face, because I am being paid to have a happy face, I was hired because I have a happy face. I work with hundreds of people, and it's what I am good at...exuding this persona...I feel like an actress....I encourage people, I get to know them and motivate them--But I can't do it for myself. I know it seems off, but it's the duality of my personality. I am both the dark and the light inside of me...it's just when you're putting on the happy face all the time, it gets exhausting.

And that's also the truth...no one can love me...no one can stand my darkness...so I keep people away, and live in lonliness. I think that's why a lot of us are here. A place to be free on this forum.

hmmmmm
This is all very interesting to me.

Because I am really getting a sense of a lot of hurt and anguish here.

I wouldnt expect anyone to display those kinds of emotions in front of just anyone.
But at the same time. I dont think we are meant to contain those kinds of feelings all to ourselves.

I mean....like I said. You cant know love....real love, if you cant share your unhappiness with someone else. People who love you and care about you. WANT to help you. But the kind of help a truely loving person would give, would never be to say...cheer up....tough it out, get over it, or suck it up.

Most of these painful emotions come from inner conflicts. And conflicts that are painful sometimes can be confusing and seem to have no solution to the person experiencing them. But its also true that EVERYONE experiences these kindof conflicts. In fact, people experience all sorts of inner conflicts throughout life. And over time, one by one they address them , resolve them, and learn to cope, at times so well that solving similar conflicts becomes almost second nature to them.

Take a child who is afraid of the dark. If they go to a parent and tell them. A good parent might say, there is nothing to be afraid of. The parent might turn on all the lights. Let the child have a look around to see for themself. Then a parent might tell the child to think about positive things they did that day. Or tell them to close their eyes and imagine drawing a nice picture in their head. The parent might then say if you get afraid again. Call me and I will come back. The child might call....test the parent. The parent comes back , reassures the child the same way and then goes back to bed.

This all sounds like no big deal doesnt it?

Simple dumb conflict. Parent isnt really doing anything right?

Not so.....

Take the same child 20 yrs later.

They are walking home at night and get scared for some reason. They are gonna look all around them. And then they might start thinking about something else.....or they might take out their cell phone and call someone.
The adult didnt just dream up this solution on their own. They had a parent who helped them resolve their conflict. The parent gave them tools to use for the rest of their lives, to comfort themselves. Thats what love is.

But adults can do the very same thing for you. As life goes on......conflicts continue to come up. Some we build on like the bedtime one above, we adapt our coping to different situations and scenarios.....a lot of times if we had a great teacher we can do this on our own. But not everyone had a great parent and not every problem is something old that we can build on.


A person who really loves you, doesnt tell you what to do or how to solve your conflict. But instead they might give you ideas, that you can choose or not choose, they might guide you with questions or statements which get you to think more clearly about what might be important to you or to get you to see the pros and cons of whatever it is you are struggling with as far as your choices.

The right answer to the conflict doesnt come from them though.
The answer comes from you. The right answer is the one which makes you feel better or eases your anxiety. Ideas people give you are not demands or directives. Generally people can only tell you things that have worked for them. Sometimes you will get good ideas and sometimes bad. But generally....the closer you are to someone and the more alike you are....the better their ideas will be.

But solving an inner conflict requires risk. A risk of exposing yourself. This is why you dont just go around telling everyone hey I am miserable I need some help. You pick people you trust.

Finding someone to trust may seem like a problem. But what I have found is people who take good care of themselves and who have good relationships in their lives are trustworthy people. Like for me....I wouldnt go to an alcoholic with a problem. If he cant help himself....why would I think he can help me?? Know what I mean???

An inner conflict is a burden.
But one that can be coped with if you learn how.
Love is about protection. Self love is also about protection.
We protect ourselves not only by the people we associate with, but also by the things we say to ourselves. For example: its never good to lie to yourself. for me....anytime I wanna tell myself anything absolute or extreme ( like I always fail or things can never be better) .....then I know I am not thinking clearly or rationally . There are no absolutes in life. Things are not always black and white. Also if my focus is on what I cant do.....then I also know I am not thinking clearly because no matter how much I cant do.......there are ALWAYS things I CAN do. THOSE are the things I need to focus on. Looking at what I cant do.....is like spinning my wheels in mud. I will never get anywhere with my conflict if I do that. These are the things other people help you with. If I tell someone I feel aweful...I cant do anything right. They will say, thats not true ( getting me back into reality). They might then ask me, whats the problem? I tell them. Then often since its not THEIR problem, they can see more clearly and tell me things I CAN do. This is a huge help. Its also something they dont HAVE to do for me. And if their idea works for me.....then I will be very grateful. When a person helps you with an inner conflict they are not giving you a temporary gift. They are giving you something you can use the rest of your life if another similar conflict arises. And usually a huge burden is lifted off you. Not only for that moment, but whenever a smiliar conflict arises in the future. You remember then how you solved the old conflict and adapt it to the new. Its the gift that keeps on giving! lol

And conflict is a daily occurrence. I dont need the help of others ALL the time. But I DO need them when I am not thinking clearly.

I cant put on a happy face, unless I am happy. I can put on a working face. Meaning a neutral or functional face I guess you would call it.

At the same time....
I cant say that I would be distraught or upset or sad in front of just anyone. I would never sit with my inner turmoil alone though for any indefinate period. If I did that, I might never solve it! Especially if I have no experience solving whatever kindof conflict it is.

I am compelled to find someone to help me usually. And if I ask someone I trust and dont find resolution I keep asking people until I do. Ultimately I have never been let down.

Do you all go to people and let them sortof guide you through it? Or do you feel like you are a burden on them or something if you do that? I am just curious

Thank you

Hi again ThisEndUp,
Very good post, oh man, you have me crying here, because I didn't realize how empty and alone I've been in my relationship until yesterday--and this thread is provoking me to see how sad it truly is not to have anyone--to have to constantly wear the 'mask' not only at work, but in front of EVERYONE.

My boyfriend last night and I were talking, and I let him know that I was feeling lonely and disconnected....his response...."this again!? what can I do?? The only person who can fix you is you"

He has said this to me before, but yesterday the conversations on this forum popped into my head.
I'm wearing a mask in my relationship too..he doesn't want to see the 'real' me--just like everyone else, it makes him uncomfortable. So, yes, the one person I love and respect can't handle me, no one else can....he thinks it's the job of my therapist to work with me through the lonlieness. And it saddens me to no end...that I can't find anyone who has an understanding of me, or who wants to understand. I dont know if it's everyone elses experience, but I have to keep the mask on at all times....the only time it comes off is when I finally get to go to bed--alone, and cry myself to sleep each night--just to wake up to hell in the morning again.

For me I was raised to be a robot. I was told what to do and when to do it. Now I have nobody telling me what to do and I feel lost. I don't know how to make decisions for myself-I'm always terrified I'll make the wrong one no matter what I do. Most often I avoid making decisions at all costs, then I find myself in a huge mess with nothing done. That's where I am now. Sitting in my huge mess that's out of control and I feel as though I'm buried in it. Most people take one look at the mess and say to themselves "well, I didn't make it, so I don't have to clean it up" which is understandable I guess. But I still feel lost. And alone.

Hopeful55 wrote:Hi again ThisEndUp,
Very good post, oh man, you have me crying here, because I didn't realize how empty and alone I've been in my relationship until yesterday--and this thread is provoking me to see how sad it truly is not to have anyone--to have to constantly wear the 'mask' not only at work, but in front of EVERYONE.

My boyfriend last night and I were talking, and I let him know that I was feeling lonely and disconnected....his response...."this again!? what can I do?? The only person who can fix you is you"

He has said this to me before, but yesterday the conversations on this forum popped into my head.
I'm wearing a mask in my relationship too..he doesn't want to see the 'real' me

Hi Hopeful,
First I want to tell you my perspective of what your boyfriend is saying. You told him that you felt lonely and disconnected. Now I understand that this is a very complex problem. Because BEING alone is not the same as feeling lonely. And feeling disconnected takes it to a whole new level of complexity.

In a way here you are talking about being disconnected from the very essence of your being.
A lot of people are not that disconnected from themselves. They feel alone or misunderstood sometimes, but that is not the same as feeling completely alienated within your own mind basically. Most people who have a sense of connection, have felt it for so long, that they dont understand anything else. In other words they have never felt what you feel, or if they did cant recall it, so in that sense they do not understand. Imagine it like this.......have you ever been lit on fire? Most likely not. Very few people have, but there are people, unfortunately, who have had this experience. I can imagine it to be an aweful and painful experience, but no matter how hard I imagine it, I will never be able to truely and fully understand what it feels like to be on fire.

In your case there is another element to this. And that is how it came to be. To really understand anything fully we need to know how it came to be. But for the most part the majority of people dont really care how something came to be. For example: do you care how an apple came to be? Do you care how a piece of paper came to be? No. Why would you care unless you had somekind of vested interest in it. Like if I were an apple grower and made my living from it, then I might care to know how an apple came to be.

Most people walking around dont really delve into their pasts trying to discover how they came to be. One doesnt have a need to do that unless there is something about them that isnt working. But if someone DOES want to do that, then they need other people who also have the same need to understand how they came to be. These people would be like the folks on this board, or therapists , counselors, and you.

Another thing I want to say is.....if I asked you to explain to me why a winesap apple tastes a lot different then a fuji apple. My answer would be.....this is way beyond my understanding and expertise. I only eat apples I dont understand them. You might want to ask a horticulturalist.
Its not that I dont love and support you here in turning you away. Its just that the problem you are coming to me with is completely out of my league of knowledge or understanding. If I were to try to help you I would more then likely be doing you a disservice.

I think this is what your boyfriend is saying. Its not that he doesnt care. Its just that he feels completely useless in helping because the problem is so complex. He is the way he is ( connected to himself) but that doesnt mean he knows WHY he is connected to himself.

So I dont want you to feel like he doesnt care about you. I dont think that is the case at all.

But he is right in the sense that some people, therapists for example, really want to know how you came to be. A whole field of study exists regarding how people came to be ( psychology) and these people are the experts.

I have to say something else here. And that is that there is NO greater expert then someone who was like you and changed. There is no better teacher and no better mentor. These people are even fewer then the experts. But they do exist. Another way for me to put that is to look at alcoholism. There is no one better to mentor an alcoholic who wants to change, then an alcoholic who has changed and is now sober. These people are gold.

I am not a Borderline. But I did have an abusive childhood, had some issues with disconnection ect....but not to that degree. I have managed to work out a great deal of inner conflict and to learn to cope with lifes ups and downs in a way that makes me feel at peace with myself.

I know a common problem in many mental health dysfunctions is having an outer focus or a focus on other people rather then being able to focus on ones self.

Telling your boyfriend how you felt was not wrong. And you did not walk away empty handed.
I say that because I imagine that you were focused soley on his response to you and not at all on yourself.

If you do that, it seems you lost yes??

But if you focus on yourself then you would need to see what you really learned from the conversation.

I want you to note my perspective about him compared to your own.
If I were to sum up yours it would seem that in the end....you are unloved and he does not care.
But in my perspective you ARE loved and cared for by him.

I believe I came up with my perspective because I focus on myself and not on others.

So when you tell me what he said I ask myself...Why would *I* say that? And the answer would be only because I did not know the answer myself as to why someone would feel disconnected.
then I ask myself ...If I said that would it mean I didnt care? The answer is no.....it would mean I cared very much. And I would feel very bad that I could not help because of my own ignorance.
I would do what I could to help which would be to refer you to someone who IS an expert. I would give you the only thing I could in doing this.....the only thing I had to offer. My best

My question to you is.....did you ask yourself any of these questions? Or did you just judge the whole thing on the surface? I asked for help and he pushed me away?

Because I do not see that he pushed you away. But I DO understand why you might see it that way.