COULD THEY BE BPD? Non's - Please post HERE - *TRIGGER*

@Renny, well you are right she is a Gemini and I am an Aries.
I am not sure and cant say it for a fact but one thing that always bordered me was that she was always very friendly but she didn't set up boundaries and guys will feel she was leading them on when she wasn't. I wouldn't be surprised that last Thursday the guy's reaction was out of jealously or something like that(added that he was an ex drug addict turned politician and he confessed on the call that he looses his temper when he is yelled at), I know that when we were together she had this friend that followed her everywhere, it was annoying for me as he was always with her, day and night, she said he was her best friend but this guy was always with her. Her previous boyfriend told her after several months of being broken up that he broke up with her because of that guy, because he was always there. I knew that the guy was in love with her and was always trying to find a way in and ended up on the friend zone. I had to deal with him as well and told my ex that she should set up boundaries for him as he was with her day and night, sleeping on her couch, later I learned that he had kissed her while she my was my gf, since it was a long distance relationship I couldn't be there all the time. I don't know what happened after he kissed her but I guess she talked to him and set up some boundaries, after more than a year of this guy being behind her he just quit and cut her out of his life, he told her he didn't want to talk to her again. She was devastated and blame me for him leaving.
I dont know if she made it to the urgent care, I dont know if her foot was fractured or broken. I havent talked to her since last friday when I confronted her and she texted me that I didnt care about her and her roommate as a liar.
She texted me last night around midnight asking for her computer password, she actually copied the same text she sent on saturday. I was sleeping and didnt answer.

I am not sure where to post this or to begin. A few months ago a made a friend we will call Kay. Kay was constantly talking about others saying things I would never have thought of. She would diagnose many of those around her as border-line. People she fell out of relationships with, her children, her mother, everyone was borderline or toxic to her. She called her own child vindictive, told me her spouse was gay, and the list went on and on. Once I was very sick after a procedure and on pain medications. Kay called me to talk about a mutual friend, and said this friend took things without paying. She said this friend was trying to take her business. She said this friend (who she confessed love for) scared her. I tried to comfort her that our mutual friend was trying to help her, not take her business. Kay continued to say things about her. Because mutual friend had been in my home a great deal I called her to ask if she had stolen thing (I never called it stealing but she was accused of stealing) and suggested she return items in question. I probably should not have done that- but done is done, mistake or not. Once Kay found out I spoke to the mutual friend she told the mutual friend I was a liar, and how much she loved her. She tried to accuse me of saying "crap" called me insane. Mutual friend would have let it go had she just told the truth. It would not have been a big deal. Before this incident took place when Kay had a personality change. She went from being a very kind person to suddenly being mean. She found out I was moving and told me I should quit our group because I would never drive that far anymore. We had excellent reasons for moving, but she took it personally. I just don't get it. Kay continues to call me a liar and talk about me behind my back to others. I tried to talk to her and work it out but that did not work.

Hi all,

I've been married for about a year and a half, but we separated about 4 months ago. Recently I've been working on trying to get her back when she said something that floored me....

Before we separated there had been several months of marriage counseling, she would rage at me that she wanted a divorce, then an hour later when I would get boxes to move out she would start to cry and say don't leave me. I could never win an argument based on logic, as she would always just change the subject. Anyway I moved out and we were off on on for 1-2 months.

We weren't living together but when I would see her (once a week or so) to try to work on things we would just end up fighting. Long story short while we were separated but working on it I slept with another woman on a business trip (unplanned one time thing). I guess part of me just wanted to give up. I told her what happened a day later, it really hurt her and I felt like a scumbag.

Fast forward 4 months later. I've been working on trying to patch things up between us, we've both been dating other people. I asked her the following and her response really floored me:

Me: So I know we've been seeing other people, but I really want to work on things with you. What about you?

Her: Well I need you to prove to me that I can trust you. I'm not okay with you seeing other people if you want to work on it.

Me: I only want to be with you, that's fine. So we're going to be steady?

Her: No, I can't trust you. I need to date other people in case you screw me over again.

Me: I didn't think I screwed you over, we each played a part.

Her: I sacrificed everything for you and you cheated on me! I tried to work on it but you never did anything you threw it all away, I did all the work in the relationship and you abandoned me! You need to fix it, it's all your fault!

Me: We were separated, but I'm sorry I hurt you. Anyway I love you, if you need to date other people until you can trust me that's okay with me.

Her: That's fine. And also I can't have intercourse with you until you prove to me I can trust you.

Me: Your worth the wait. I'm okay with you dating, but I don't know if I can emotionally handle you sleeping with other guys. The prior night when you told me all the intimate details about the guy you were dating and your sex life really bothered me.

Her: No I can't do that.

Me: Seriously? You're asking me to exclusively see you, not see other people, not have sex with you, and you're going to continue to date other people and sleep with them?

Her: Yes, that's what I need right now.

Me: What? Seriously? That's not fair, if you don't want to be exclusive to me don't ask me to be exclusive to you. How is that you working on it?

Her: That's just what I need, if you want to be with me. I sacrificed everything to be with you, my friends, everything. And I can't just date guys and have a rule not to have sex with them, then they won't like me and want to be with me.

Me: That's messed up.

Her response was so strange to me at first I thought it was narcissism, after doing more research I think it might be a mix but primary BPD. At first I was really mad at her, but if it was just a thing about being afraid to be alone I would understand. Can anyone guess as to if she has BPD?

Thank you

dulake wrote:Her response was so strange to me at first I thought it was narcissism, after doing more research I think it might be a mix but primary BPD. At first I was really mad at her, but if it was just a thing about being afraid to be alone I would understand. Can anyone guess as to if she has BPD?

Well- that definitely sounds like something I would have said to a partner when I was at my worst. Black and white thinking or "splitting" is common in BPD. A person is either all good or all bad. When someone slights you, even if it is a small slight, it can be absolutely catastrophic. I know that feeling well. I'd say that even if she doesn't have full-blown BPD (there can be a continuum), she has some traits of personality pathology. My advice would be to take good care of yourself. If you do decide to be with her, it is important to be aware that these issues will likely be on-going as personality disorders are very pervasive and engrained.

I am recently in a long term relationship and have noticed alot of things that many could consider reasons to leave. The person I am with has been through past sexual abuse. She seems to be very angry and sad most of the time that I am with her although there are exceptions. She is very quick to anger and tends to put me down alot. It seems that if she knows she is wrong about something she reverses it and places the blame on me. When in these angry states there are also times in which she talks about self mutilation. I try to encourage her and reinforce her self esteem because she has poor body image and low self esteem but it seems like it doesnt work. Also she gets very bored easily. I love her very much and I dont want to give up but its just overwhelming and draining. I was able to tolerate all of these things until a while ago. There was an incident with a person she knew who kept trying to force himself on her and touch her. She eventually gave in. Although this happened, the next day she went somewhere with him in which another incident took place. Although she said she felt forced she gave in again. Should I hold this against her? Could she have BPD?

It certainly does not sound like a Normal situation or a Garden variety break-up in my opinion - I'm not qualified to make a BPD diagnosis, but if you read the litrature, maladaptive jealously is certainly a systom of BPD. However, it could also be due to plain old insecurity issues. Although All BPDs are insecure, not all insecure people are BPD. But the idealization phase when you were "perfect" followed by her detachment and eventual devaluation phase leading to the break up (Assuming you had not done anything to hurt/harm her) is a BPD hallmark symptom - It seems that it all just happened in her head. If I was to venture a guess I would say the fact that you were not jealous or bothered by her staying over at your friends triggered something in her, because she took it as a sign that you don't really care i.e rejection.

IF she indeed is a Borderline , then your reassuring and secure response that you trust her and hence not bothered by her spending all that time with another guy is not reassuring at all (to her) - in fact the opposite. Because her actions/inquiries are not driven by any genuine concern for your feelings rather by her own deeply rooted insecurities and fears.

Past abuse, low self-esteem, not accepting responsibility by placing blame, self mutilation, quick to anger - mercurial moods, put downs. Yep, sounds like she could be.

This might be kinda long, sorry.
So when i was about 10 my mother abandoned me to go to live in a different country with this guy, she said she was going away for a break and would be back in a couple of weeks. She did come back but only to collect the rest of her stuff. now my childhood was kinda harsh on me, i saw my mother try to commit suicide when i was 8. i actually sat in the room with her watching my dad putting his fingers down her throat. She was/is an alcoholic and every-time i would come home from primary school i would be so happy to see her hoping that she was up out of bed, but most of the time she would be lying in bed hungover with a drink by her. Her mother, father and sister were also alcoholics. The divorce took several years and was very tough on me, we had to sell our house just because my mother wanted half of the money. she got married and had two children, and i havent seen her for 10 years. Ever since then me and my family have been moving from house to house from the council.
i still cant get over being abandoned, which is why i think and know that i have abandonment issues. Throughout my teenage years i have been very depressed and have recently been diagnosed as serve-moderate depression. When i was a teenager i was always getting in trouble at school, getting excluded and detention blah blah. i used to somewhat believe to myself that i was dating johnny depp, i used to lay next to a cutout of him on my bed and talk to him, and he would talk back in my mind. my friends used to bully me and that got me down and angry, i smoked weed everyday and drank alot . my emotions are all over the place and i go from being happy then being sad and then eventually go numb. i change how i look a lot as i feel i have different sides to me and by dressing certain ways express what mood im in. i have really bad trust issues i find it hard to trust a lot of people after my mother left me.
Several years later i had my first love! it was great i fell in love so quickly and i felt comfortable. around this time i got addicted to the drug mephedrone, i would do it for days and not eat or sleep. a few months into my relationship it started to go rocky and he never wanted to have sex with me much. i became extremely clingy and would always need him to reassure me that he still loved me and that he wasn't cheating on me. we would fight all the time and he would become really aggressive and through me on the bed and pin down my hands whilst shouting at me and once i was standing at the wall he punched the wall a few inches away from me. He would be quick to apologize and i would always accept that as i didnt want him to leave me as he was the best thing that ever happened to me. i then found out by looking through his phone that he joined a dating site and was talking to women. i told him what is this and he said its nothing i was not thinking straight. i forgave him but since then i never really trusted him. everything he would go out i would think he is with a girl and cheating on me. i broke up with him many times as i thought he was going to break up with me so i wanted to get there first so it felt like i wasnt the one hurting. i would always be like please dont leave me i didnt mean it i need you. one day i would love him then the next i would really hate him and not want to be with him. after breaking up loads of times he finally broke up with me for real and it brought back loads of horrible memories, its been a year since we broke up and im still crying all the time. when i think about him or see a picture i burst out crying. i cant talk about him or say certain memories without bursting into tears. i dont know if i have PTS, i have SA, depression and panic attacks. one day i will feel normal but the next ill feel like i dont know how i am and i dont feel comfortable in my own skin and just feel completely empty. i am totally paranoid, i overact to everything, if my mates say a comment to me i get really angry and wont talk to them and i really sensitive. i live in a fantasy world and sometimes cant remember what is real and whats not (as i like to make up stories in my head to escape).

i have an imaginary friend that i made up to comfort me when im in social situations and i talk to him about stuff. i dont think this is anything serious i just think hes is there to support me. i need to tell my therapist about him though.
thats everything i can think of atm, please tell me if i have some sort of personality disorder.
Thanks

Guys-

I think this thread may get better support for the OP under the thread topic Could They Be BPD.

OP, I'm going to move this for you, in hopes you may get more responses there.


<3

AMP

Hi.
This post isn't well thought-out; I've lurked the forums only for 30 minutes or so, and I'm having a starting-headache day ("depression" -> haven't eaten today <- probably the cause), and though I'm INTP I still prefer to just "jump to it" most of the time, probably because I'm rarely ready anyway - and I'm a bit impatient about this issue at the moment.. So here we go :p

I'm a 21 years old son of a suspected BPD or BPD-like Mother and abandoned-like Father (will try to elaborate about the latter-case later), who lives in Europe.
I'm trying to find out if or what disorder I have (I think AD(H)D, one shrink contemplated Schizotypal, and another who barely knew me and asked questions for 3-5 minutes from SCID-II meant that I "scored", though from what my country's websites on health says SCID-II isn't a test, enough to be diagnosed a NPD).

I will be making commentary notes through the article using the same tag-system as Wikipedia: [num++]; i.e. [0], [1], [2], and the actual commentaries being placed at the bottom of this post.

Elaborate life/events-story for the sake of elaborateness (just skip through the ages you think matter or something):
[spoiler]*Age 2: mom and dad divorced (they both still take the credit of having divorced the other xD), and of course I live with my mom .

*Age 4-5: though mostly a sweet kid with a good heart[1], frequent 'violent' events starting in kindergarten[2]: I don't remember how I displayed aggression the first times, I'm not sure if I did at all (supposedly the kindergarten-people never noticed until ---->), but eventually I started beating other kids with a stick or branch.

*Age 6-7: school. fell in love with a sweet girl[3] (with blond, curly princess-hair ) ;D

very very frequently (I think daily) forgetting my cloths or other things at school and the post-school-place.
occasionally failing to do homework - the teacher, [sarcasm]very professionally and compassionately[/sarcasm], calling me out to the rest of the class saying something like "make sure to do your homework or you'll end up like this guy".

I have the happiest birthday ever, getting a cool water-gun that everyone thought was cool and I enjoyed it alot, and my mom breaks it the next day or the coming next days in a rage to, as she said, make a point about "how it feels when others destroy your stuff" when I stumbled into her vacuum cleaner - though it taking no damage.

one event where I got angry at my best friend, hit him with a plastic toboggan in the head (of course this wasn't meant to be the most harmful, just the most convenient placement of an attack with the current weapon ) with two 'ethical/moral' 16-or-so years old teenagers being present; my response being something like "oh no, $#%^ .. [...] will you tell mom? please don't tell mom, she can't know about this [my emotions being *regret regret/in-denial we-can-fix-this*] - they said they will tell my mom, so I ran into the woods, staying there - just sitting under a moose-roof-thingie hoping I won't be found for 2-3+ hours, and mom calling the police being afraid I had ran away from home/getting injured in the process.

started having nightmares of ghosts and of my mom hurting or killing me, and one time my grandmother giving me a poisoned meal and turning into a demon when I realized it was green & poisoned. dreaming that my mom will kill me has continued up to the age of 20 - while still living with her, and as a result I started "locking"/blocking the door to my bedroom with obstacles to be feel safe while going to sleep, from age 9.

*Age 8-9: moving to a new city going to an alternative school. but to a disappointment most/all of the children had obvious behavioral/poor parenting++ problems - did not fit at all, and wanted to leave the school from day 1 - told this to mom but had to go there for half a year (probably understandable)

new school: still not perfect socially, but somewhat of an improvement.

moving again

*Age 10-11: public display of wounded ego/self losing a game with a few class mates after school first displayed as withdrawn anger, then for the first time displayed as pain/sorrow/crying - the answer to "why are you crying?" being "... I have a disorder thing that makes me cry without reason" with success ;D
i was pretty maladapted here, among basically upper-class'ish children who could be very arrogant and narcissistic-like (some girls really exploiting and using their huge ego because they feel and are told that they're pretty to pick on or destroy others), but these people were at least interesting - a fresh breath; a variety of children and personalities - exciting!

moving back

*Age 12-13: some anti-social behavior triggered (though living in a city where this is pretty standard anyway); starting fires, part of fights, gang-fights, some vandalism, ruthlessness, started learning "hacking" using public computers (didn't have my own); installed net browsers with capability to always store passwords and replaced default browser shortcut with new browser with changed icon, played games like try2hack.nl, and started getting interested in the occult (Magick; energy manipulation, "mysticism" etc already being an interest at age 4-5+).
skipped most of school at age 13

*Age 14: moved to dad with a wife with some kinds of anxiety, affectionate and self-esteem/attention/don't-question-me-problems, who couldn't stand me much[4].
I developed a pretty hateful relationship with her[5]

*Age 15: moved to grandmother who did not at all understand me and was of no support except for generally being a normal & nice grandmother. skipped an entire year of school[6] and started to isolate myself, only being on the computer, and occasionally raged in varying degrees when losing ruthlessly in games or/and being harassed - one time making a hole in the door.

*Age 16-17: moved back to mom. mom starting having loud sex with strangers, disregarding my signs to tell them to stop - I believe the intention/rush was to violate me (I think this is the trend throughout my life... - she "doesn't mean to do it", but has the urge to do it nevertheless).

*Age 17-18: moved to a youth-home. my problems weren't understood (or given proper attention to - as I actually told them, but was disregarded).
I wanted to talk about my future; about how the process of moving out to my own home soon will be, about ways to plan my financial situation etc - all was disregarded as "we'll see about that when we get there".
1 year completely wasted there, except for the things I did on my own (i.e. left the house with some backpacking equipment), the trips we did together, and the general high standard of the house: good food/own chef/maid, good bathroom-standards[7].
moved back to mom when I was suddenly met with the ultimatum that when [very soon] moving out, I will be thoroughly monitored several times a day to see that I've "done my duties": made the sheets, etc.
this is the exact opposite of what I needed; I need to learn to get in control by myself as my mom never let me.

*Age 19-20: moving back to mom. the allegations of mom being an Asperger started to break when I realized that she isn't ignorant of social cues, but only pretends to be so to get her own way without being questioned[8].

*7-8 months ago: wishing mom was dead, and as she continuously violated me I started wanting to "destroy" (severe hate) her..

*6 months ago: moved out, getting the minimum amount from welfare because I'm not diagnosed as having a disease or illness. saving up 80% of money for backpacking-gear, ensuring that if I get thrown out on the street at least I'll have something + BP-gear should give me the opportunity to travel more, to live in nature etc which hopefully might help.

*recently: required to start working (or else no welfare).

[1] is what I think/been told/photos & as I remember it + been told by the blunt/honest side of the family
[2] I remember this as; I was mostly being nice and happy to/interested in socializing with other kids - but quickly built up anger when someone said intentionally hurtful things and challenged my self in this way. (BUT I don't remember all the events, so this could be selective bias)
[3] pretty irrelevant for my story, but anyway - I never told her, and except for some possibly brief moments of flirting we never really got to talk or interact , and then I moved PS: I won't mention girls again xD
[4] though she said later "there's nothing wrong with him, but I just can't handle him"
[5] drew a few pictures but mostly wrote how much I hate her. only shared this display of "passion" at the end, specifically starting when she became even more ruthless and sadistic in her violations
[6] couldn't take it anymore
[7] so don't get me wrong - this was a raising of the standards from home which has almost always been a mess, and I got to have some fun doing trips with the folks, but was not met as an individual: my every thought was disregarded, and the attempt was always to replace my every thought with how everyone else or themselves are.
[8] the trend being: pretending not to understand what I'm saying, "being socially inadequate", and getting angry and upset because "she doesn't get what I'm trying to say and I'm trying to force it upon her - I always have to be right, I'm so arrogant, I don't understand how she has it, I don't understand her childhood - wanna hear about it!??"
[/spoiler]

I basically feel that my mom is alot like Meg Griffin from Family Guy. Or to be more precise: I was thinking "hmmm... isn't my mom alot like Meg from Family Guy? I BET Meg has BPD!", and according to the Wiki she does.
My mom rages violently, usually towards boyfriends if they don't worship her, and throws coffee mugs, punches, kicks, scratches them up...
She has randomly brought up "but I would never commit suicide, that's just not me~", leaving me o.o? at least a couple times.
She used to talk about crying for hours upon hours every day, that her life is hell - that she's in hell, and the story she usually tells from her childhood was a boy she had a crush on meeting her alone at school time, whispering her in the ear "you disgusting/ugly swine/pig".
She also says she was always over-shadowed by her popular sister, that she herself was never popular; she was the 'carer'/most responsible one (I think) that helped her sisters out and so on; that she was only addresses as her sister's sister; and that all sisters were ashamed about their home - which was in poor quality, and that their mother's boyfriends were drunks/abusive of the mother (and I believe all sisters at some point escaped or moved out in an escape of the house). Naturally mom is a feminist and "hates all men"

And now about me: I personally don't think I can be a Narcissist, as I'm very high on empathy (I do have regrets, which I try to correct, and I do say I'm sorry, etc), I don't want Narcissistic supply: I want healthy/normal supply; I want constructive criticism - that is: feedback/healthy criticism without judging me..
I really just think I have anger issues, that is: I have already been violated through most of my life; now I'm older and not gonna take it; don't violate me or I'll return the favor, and as a normal defense mechanism to not being validated/having low emotional self-esteem I am somewhat grandiose and arrogant (I can be "very rude" (insulting) very easily in i.e. online games, but if the person in ANY way responds appropriately I will either dampen it or be nice instead. Proper response = not being an asshole back, and not instantly & unreasonably criticizing/judging).
Others examples of this: Sheldon Cooper in The Big Bang Theory. When he feels unvalidated, he becomes grandiose and arrogant. No matter how much an Asperger he is, he still knows that other people probably won't LOVE when he gets angry and becomes grandiose or arrogant, but he still does it - normal defense mechanism: he's inadequate in some area, and he doesn't feel validated enough as a person by the statue of his abilities in this area, so he dismisses them as they dismiss him for not having the abilities that he has.

Point: I want natural validation (or, if I'm not worth validation by anyone, THEN indeed I should change my personality), not manipulated or false; or: I want a real self, not a false self like the Narcissist.

Hope I got somewhere with this :p
Am I NPD? Is my mom BPD? What do you think? :p