I Don't Even Know Who I Am Anymore!

When I look at myself, and think about the things I do, and why I do them, I realize I am an empty person. I have this hollow feeling, of desolation, but I try to distract myself by anything. Always looking for something that will prove I am someonme who is worthy.
I have this feeling I can't shake that no matter what I do I am a hopeless sack of crap. I have frequewnt dreams of Hell and prison, of pain and suffering. Sometimes I want to be evil, because it makes me angry that I feel this way. Maybe I SHOULD sell my soul to Satan,-I don't know.
Am I evil? Am I good? Or somewhere in between? All I know is I don't know who or what I am. I have cried out to God to either heal me or kill me, and I am ignored. I hate living sometimes, I really do. I have this feeling that if you opened me up their would be nothing but an echoing hollowness in there.
I know what I want, but what I want is insanity, because I never really can have it. I want things to be like before I ever stepped one goddamn foot in grade school, I want to crawl back into the womb and sleep and dream nothing but darkness. I know if I ever got my wish, I'd be in some insane asylum, but would that be so bad? Why should I give a $#%^? My soul is gone and I am the walking dead. I live but my life has passed on, and now I just linger here like some kind of ghost or something.
All I know is I don't want to be me, because me is ###$ up and damaged beyond repair.

Hello Lost!

Your not lost! Your mind is just playing tricks on you. When we are overwhelmed with something or because of someone, our mind tries to deal with the trauma of whatever it is. Our bodies are just not capable of dealing with it, so we hyperventilate and that can be very scary, ugly...and we also start to question, question and question everything, looking for the answers when there are none for that purpose in that moment, thats when we feel alone, abandoned and very sad. But there is light at the end of the tunnel and you can and will feel better, only if you are willing to help yourself. talking about it is a very good first step. Tell people how you REALLY feel. Be honest to yourself and to others, then you can get the attention that you seek and people can start to understand when it gets bad. Don't give up on yourself.

Every human being is given the gift of life and it is up to us how we use it. We can either waste it or we can embrace it. Life is a journey and it is our obligation to fullfill it. "But how can I when I feel so crap?" It is our responsibility to accept the things that happen to us and also how we react to what happens to us. It is about "Fight or Flight". Another tip is try to focus on the most important things in your life. How you succeeded in the things that make you feel good or have you taken that course you always wanted to, have you signed up to that gym for excercise. These are all things that can help you fight this mental disease and start reteaching yourself about the important and meaningful things in your life. Write down 10 most important things in your life! Write down 10 most unimportant things in your life. Compare and take action.


Ray

Hi Lost,
I feel for you...I really do. I have had those days when I feel like there is nothing left of me. There are so many times when I say something so mean and so terrible that I can't even believe those words came out of my mouth. It's a tough road but remember we are all here for you.

By the way, I'm also from Michigan (south of Ann Arbor).

Hang in there,
jesster

hi jesster!

i just read your post and you stated that you can't even believe some of the hurtful words that come out of your mouth. my first question is do you have bpd? if so, i am really intrigued by your statement. i am a non-borderline who DEEPLY cares for a person with bpd and she says REALLY hurtful things to me all the time. sometimes it is the lack of words that is most hurtful. I will say that i had a great time with her and good night. she will then just log off the computer without saying ANYTHING in return. she used to always be so sweet and nice to me. now she is distant ALOT of the time. i was wondering if you ever portrayed this type of behavior? are you ever silent with your response and then regret not being nice? i am trying to figure out if she even knows she is being hurtful?!? does she even care?? is she scared to show emotion?? any response would be really helpful. thank you in advance.