When I look at myself, and think about the things I do, and why I do them, I realize I am an empty person. I have this hollow feeling, of desolation, but I try to distract myself by anything. Always looking for something that will prove I am someonme who is worthy.
I have this feeling I can't shake that no matter what I do I am a hopeless sack of crap. I have frequewnt dreams of Hell and prison, of pain and suffering. Sometimes I want to be evil, because it makes me angry that I feel this way. Maybe I SHOULD sell my soul to Satan,-I don't know.
Am I evil? Am I good? Or somewhere in between? All I know is I don't know who or what I am. I have cried out to God to either heal me or kill me, and I am ignored. I hate living sometimes, I really do. I have this feeling that if you opened me up their would be nothing but an echoing hollowness in there.
I know what I want, but what I want is insanity, because I never really can have it. I want things to be like before I ever stepped one goddamn foot in grade school, I want to crawl back into the womb and sleep and dream nothing but darkness. I know if I ever got my wish, I'd be in some insane asylum, but would that be so bad? Why should I give a $#%^? My soul is gone and I am the walking dead. I live but my life has passed on, and now I just linger here like some kind of ghost or something.
All I know is I don't want to be me, because me is ###$ up and damaged beyond repair.