my ex is borderline and is my neighbor

Hi! I am a non-borderline and well what can I say but I have a lot of questions on what just happened. I figured I would stop researching it and possibly write it down to get some help with it.

I was divorced about 5 years ago and recently moved back to my home town where I grew up as a kid. Things were going well and something was missing in my life. I had this feeling that was missing in my gut ever since I got divorced. A feeling of emptiness. I went from being in love with my exwife to loving my exwife to caring for her. I was over her and had dated a few times, but never found the girl that I felt safe to open up to. This leads me to my present relationship that just fell apart in front of my own eyes.

I met a nice girl who happened to be my neighbor. We both love dogs and I have a lab and she has a pit bull. They get along like lovers and kiss eachother all night long. Its kind of funny to watch. We got to talking and after a long walk on the beach we both fell for eachother. We grew close very quickly and the first time we made love I looked at her in the eyes and I said "don't hurt me". She said she won't. I loved her and expressed it while making love to her. She told me that she doesn't usually have an orgasm - but well I can never remember a time when she didn't have one with me at least 3 times each time we made love. We got snowed in over the winter and spent a long 5 days together and we loved every minute of it. Her family lives close by and we usually had dinner there every Sunday. I love her family and they appear to be very respectful people who treated me like a son. Everything was going fine until I said I loved her with the word - LOVE. She whispered it back to me as if it was hard to get out. She eventually was able to say she loved me with passion and electricity.

She eventually started mentioning things about my divorce and feeling second best. I explained to her that my love for her is different and I have never loved anyone the way that I loved her. I told her I would get an annulment as my exwife was bipolar and a cheat. She still didn't get why she cared so much and even said that she feels like it was such a shallow thing to express. We were always both brutally honest with eachother and explained that it wasn't silly for thinking but I am with her and had I not gone through what I did - we never would have met and fallen in love.

Time lapsed and she began to find faults in me. This wasn't a pleasant feeling because we were both doing so well by building eachother up with self esteem, well being and confidence. One of her exboyfriends was a body builder and I happen to have money invested into a gym. I take my health and lifestyle into consideration and live well. I am not a body builder as I'm simply not that vein. Next she moved onto other faults until I stopped her and said if it wasn't my divorce it would have been something else. She paused and realized I was right as she looked into her past relationships and how she messed them up.

Tragedy hit - My brother's divorce. I had to move my brother out of his house because he is going through a divorce. I moved him into my parents house because they are gone for the winter. I didn't want him living with me because I didn't want him to spoil my relationship. My (ex) girlfriend helped me by staying over for a week while I took care of him and got him moving again. We made love almost every night- but something I noticed was happening. She never initiated making love. Why? Had I given her what she was craving too soon?

She eventually went back to her place and we saw eachother later on in the week until my brother was finally back on his own. Something started breaking down though. She didn't want to hang out as much and was starting to pull back. She said my brother's divorce scared her. (Hindsight - It probably didn't help that my brother was bashing his STB-EX for being borderline). I noticed that when we would full around before bed and we would get so close to having sex that she would just shutdown and go to bed. She got her fix of love and then shut me down and go to bed. I've never gotten a worse case of blueballs from anyone I've ever been with.

I brought up the feeling of feeling deeply connected with her and then feeling a slight disconnect where things were getting cold. She said she needed therapy. I said that I was proud of her and that if she needed any support I would be there for her.

We took a step back on the intimacy level and I was okay with it for a short time. It hurt, but I knew it was nothing I had done. Then a spring break trip was approaching that we had planned out a month prior. We went away with another couple and we didn't have sex until day 5. My hurt was turning to anger and I became frustrated that she was leading me on. She said she loved me and was sorry for any pain she caused. After a blowup of me venting my feeling to the sky - I never got mad at her or yelled at her - we later had sex. I was taken back because it was just that - sex. No foreplay, no kissing, nothing. Come to think of it she never like to use her tongue when kissing me either which I found as odd. I brought that up to her and then the next time we had foreplay.

We came back home and she immediately went her way and took off. She claimed to be helping her mother with her sisters kids for a few days. Then on the weekend she came over to my parents house - I have an office because i work with my dad. She said, "I had an hour to spare and figured I would put the effort in to see you" (I'm thinking to myself why do you need an effort? shouldn't it just be automatic). We walked around outside and let our dogs play together and had a good time. We then had intimate sex but I was practically begging her for it. I then asked her why she never initiates sex with us? she didn't know? Later that night we were talking and she asked me the craziest place I ever had sex. Avoiding the question I said a car? She replied back and said the dressing room at the Gap. That stung. No guy wants to know about sex with a previous boyfriend. You just don't say those things. She apologized and told me she was just seeing where my boundaries were and if I was into that kind of stuff. I said yes of course I am - I find it hot, but lets leave past relationship sex just that - in the past.

A few days later I got a call from her saying she had a dream she was drowning in a pool. There were kids in the pool as well. I had a dream as well, but it was a nightmare and I blocked it out on purpose. In the past we both dreamed of stuff that went together and I was always pretty good at interpreting them. I told her that she was struggling with her emotions that were being contained by her therapist and well me because I was done playing games. The pool represented her sense of Engulfment (which was the first thing her therapist diagnosed her with). The kids represented something in her past coming to the surface. Because she didn't die - meant that she would survive the waking event in her life.

She then saw her therapist that day and we were planning on spending the night together. I had invited her to hang out with my friends and quite honestly I was getting a little tired of her rejecting me and always wanting me to participate in her events. She called me and said "Can I talk to you later on tonight" I said you want another break right? She said Yes? I said I am dating then and she began to cry. I didn't want to hurt her but I was tired of getting rejected and I suppose I should have moved on sooner but I loved her so much and felt she did too. We met and talked some more. I began to get angry because I was so hurt. I asked her why she couldn't love? She was sad and didn't know why. She said she waited for 8 years to meet someone like me and that someone like me doesn't usually just walk into her life. I asked her what the problem was? She didn't know and said that's why she was getting therapy. I said you are rejecting me before I can reject you. I wasn't ever going to reject you and had done nothing to ever hurt her or cause her to not trust me. She said I know, but she couldn't continue to hurt me by going hot and then cold. She said I was the first guy she had been with that she didn't have to fix and I was perfect in every sence. So I asked what the problem was? She didn't know. I asked her why she had a picture of L.O.V.E. and D.R.E.A.M. and B.E.L.I.E.V.E. in her house if all her life she wanted love and now that she finally got it she is throwing it out the door. She cried some more because she began to realize that this was not normal behavior. I couldn't take any more hurt and left for the night. She remained civil and kept apologizing for hurting me. I was hurt, angry, and tired. I vented on her and told her to F*** OFF. I asked her if she had found someone else and she said NO- she needs to be alone. I asked her about a single guy that she was working with and she said no I don't like him. I have a working relationship with him. She said yes he is attractive but I don't like him. (poor choice of words in my opinion). I later apologized for my anger and ended things on a positive note. I told her I am moving back to my parents house for a while to get my head screwed on right. I then went to Florida to visit them for a week so I wasn't alone.

I had asked her to stop texting me so that I could get over her and start living my life again and she obliged. I put my dog in her parent's boarding facility which is where she works. While I was away I began to realize that I suffered from abandonment issues when I was a child. My mother would take off when I was a child and tell me to tell my father to have a great f***ing life. I was 4 years old. She drove off for 3-5 hours and then would come back. She did this several times. This has caused me to have separation anxiety in my life. Consequently I have accepted what happened and forgave my mother. Though I now have firm boundaries up with her and will not let her do anything for me (laundry, dishes, book my flight) - nothing. Why? Because if she does this stuff she will only turn around and complain that she does everything around here! To avoid this drama I extinguish it before it ever happens. I began to realize that every girl that I was attracted to was either bi-polar or borderline. Why? Is it because I am trying to fix my mother through them? I don't want to be anyone's therapist and just want to love and be loved. Is it really that difficult.

I began to do a lot of reading and that's when I realized my now ex-girlfriend was borderline and fit the mold perfectly. Though I don't believe she ever cheated on anyone. What I don't get is she comes from a great family. I mean yes her mother lacks some emotions and that motherly bond, but could that have really screwed her for life?

I have come to realize that ever getting back together with her is out of the question. And was feeling safe going back to my townhouse where we are both neighbors. Though then I looked at her facebook account and noticed she blocked me. Why? 1- to make me wonder, 2- she's not over me and wants to stop looking at my page, 3- she found someone else. That screwed me up for a day too while I fathomed why she would do this. She never posted anything about our relationship on her page and said she is private about her private life. I was too - but would it have hurt to put a picture of the two of us on her page while we were going out? I began to despise facebook... lol.

Now this leads me to - can we be friends and should I even want this. I would like to go back to my place and not feel tension. Our dogs are best friends and miss eachother a lot. It would be nice to just ask her to go for a walk on the beach to put closure on everything and move on from there?

If you actually read all this and made sense of it because it was just random thoughts from my head that I had to get out - I would love to get your opinions on the next steps because I don't think like a borderline and I don't want to hurt or get hurt. I'm a King and she is a Magician- we were a great pair. So it seemed - was it a mask the entire time. She is still in therapy and I don't know if she even realizes that she is borderline. What a #######5 disorder. It angers me to see people hurting from something they never chose to have.

Ziggy

You sound just like my ex....uhh

We have two cats together.

He has mom problems too.

Look I doubt she will ever forgive you for leaving her. I will never forgive my ex for doing it either.

I have him blocked on fb as well. ###$ him.

Yeah I see him every week and we hang out and I stay there I asked him if he would ever get back with me, he said no. But that he liked how we are dating exclusively and just wanted to keep it there. I said fine but finally got him to call it bf and gf as long as nothing changes.

I have slept with someone else behind his back a few weeks ago and didn't tell him. I'll probably do it again if I feel like. He has no right to be treated like anything more than dirt after what he did to me. So ya.

I'm all about keeping your friends close but enemies closer.

I would watch out for your ex. I'm sure she hates you. She won't come off like it tho. I totally suck up and lie and pretend to give a $#%^ about my ex so I can see my cat and I plan to get back at him emotionally very badly someday.

I'm sorry if this sounds bad but it's just honest. And BPD don't like being messed with. Trust me.

Your getting me wrong. I didn't leave her. She left me because she needed a break and was getting therapy. Why is it borderlines always think we left or even make it appear that way. So confusing.

I talked with her today after not talking for 10 days and said I would like to clear the tension in the air and go for a walk. She said she was busy and that there was no tension. I asked her why she blocked me on facebook and she said she deactivated her account because it got hacked. I realized I can't be in a relationship with her because she is incapable of real love. She even told me that she can't love me the way I need to be loved. To me it sounds like she is fighting her disorder and not allowing it to hurt anyone anymore. She cares to much for me to continue to hurt.

She knows that I'm dating and if she dates that is her prerogative. She said she needs to be alone and I agree with that. She does and if she enters another relationship I hope for her benefit and the other person she is open about her disorder to not lead the person on.

I don't want her back, I just want to be friends. She is a nice person when we aren't trying to have a relationship. The relationship made her feel engulfed - like she was losing herself and we only saw eachother 3 times a week and we are next door neighbors. I wasn't clingy at all and my 'mom' problems have been resolved as far as I know - except for the fact that I continue to attract borderlines and bi-polars. I'm not much for labels but I guess this is the lingo on this forum - so please don't take offense to this.

Because it's part of the disorder.

I mean what are you trying to ask?

Ziggy.........

You sound like a very mature, honest, thoughtful person.


I would ask you, that you take a lot of advice and opinions on here with a grain of salt. Keep in mind, a lot of us are disordered and have disordered ways of thinking..........and a lot of others on here, are angry at the PDs who've hurt them.

Also, keep in mind..........all borderlines are not the same. Not even close. It is not a one size fits all.


That being said...........

I hate to say this, as i WOULD NEVER SAY THIS..........but she almost sounds like she could be worth another chance.

Perhaps, after a few years of therapy.......she could be much better.

I wouldn't suggest waiting for her.......or trying to maintain a romantic relationship with her while she's doing it...........but if this is someone, you truly value........she doesn't sound like a lost cause.


So umm? See her as a back-up plan. Maybe in 5 years you'll both be single and she'll actually be better.


As for your ability to weed out "crazies".............it's just a natural talent. I'm not sure how i do it either.

Being crazy myself........i guess i just trend towards people i relate to? Most likely, people who want to get close but are somehow shy about it.
Maybe i can just sniff out their lack of confidence, despite how confident they appear to others.


But yeah..........you're unconsciously seeking women like your mother. I guess, keep that in mind.
Look for warning signs earlier.........perhaps try and develop relationships with people you normally wouldn't, aren't totally into right away.

We got to talking and after a long walk on the beach we both fell for eachother. We grew close very quickly

If i think about all my relationships with unstable people..........this is how it happened.

The only stable person i was with, was someone who was just around and around, i didn't even like her until she was like the only person left. (i have HPD/BPD i sometimes hit on everyone)

It took, like a month before she'd even consider me anything but a "treat" i guess? I tried to take things fast.......but my usual tricks weren't working. She wasn't anxious to get close to me........

It was probably my only close to healthy relationship. It lasted by far, BY FAR the longest. And that was probably because, it was real. She made it as real as possible.......while i was busy trying to make it as intense as possible.
And like what happened with you...........once i really believed she might love me. I shut down and lost interest.

Time went by..........and i tried to start things again. It was like.........i was just a broken record, trying to play the same bit over. But that was before i was self-aware.........


I guess my point is.......people are less desperate for things, the more they have those things already inside them.

If someone is coming at you too strong..........or somehow seems to be everything you want..........then you need to really ask yourself why?

Understand........it's very likely, you'll find another woman with these issues. Even if you're sure this one is different........you'll probably just "know" on a deeper level........and that will form the basis for your attraction.

You especially, need to be extra careful. (me too, as i'm currently obsessed with a crazy!)

Wow! That was the best advise I have received yet. In and out of cyberspace.

She made it as real as possible.......while i was busy trying to make it as intense as possible.

I did both. Made it real and intense when the moment allowed for it. Which is probably why I am the only guy she was able to have an orgasm with. Not bragging, but I know she did - multiple times during the same episode. This is an abnormal trait of borderlines to my knowledge, which is why I knew she actually began to feel love for real. She always told me she was afraid and was scared. I never knew what that meant until now.

Maybe in 5 years you'll both be single and she'll actually be better.

I'm 33 and only getting older. I have one life to live and I enjoy living. I want a family and someone that isn't a coward and who won't run away from love. Not going to lie because I do care for her and truely wished it had worked out. But this disorder scares me and I felt like it was always a one way street. It was always all about her which made me feel less this. It seemed like she always had to be in control. All I wanted was love - not a control battle as I could have cared less. Life is too short.

Most likely, people who want to get close but are somehow shy about it.

That fits me like a glove, although I am getting better at it through courage... Courage builds confidence

once i really believed she might love me. I shut down and lost interest.

This was her main issue and why she entered therapy. She doesn't know why she does this. I would only consider her again if I knew for sure that this issue was curable. By curable I mean two things: Do I give her more anticipation to keep the love going? Which will become tiring after a while. Or is this a skill she needs to possess. And if she possesses this skill will it be real or fake?

Also - you said this was your best relationship. Why did you breakup? Was it because you shutdown. This is why we ended things civilly without treating each other live garbage or even yelling. Communication was one of our strong points.

But yeah..........you're unconsciously seeking women like your mother. I guess, keep that in mind.

I know what you mean and am hoping to fix this issue or really come to a resolve.

Time went by..........and i tried to start things again. It was like.........i was just a broken record, trying to play the same bit over. But that was before i was self-aware.........

This is why I am doubtful to ever getting involved with her again. Its like she has no conscious. What did it take for you to become more self-aware?

perhaps try and develop relationships with people you normally wouldn't, aren't totally into right away.

I don't like drama in my life. However I seem to invite it. With that said I am bored with life and would rather go sky diving everyday. I like adventure and a challenge. why?


And thanks again for a healthy perspective on everything. Its good to know that there are people who aren't hurtful and who do actually care.


Ziggy

Haha whatever twisted your totally ###$ up

Lets try and keep things supportive OK?
One

What did it take for you to become more self-aware?

A minor miracle.

I ran into someone, exactly like me. In the process, of making our relationship as intense as it could be (emailing eachother massive insanely long intellectual emails, 8 hour phone calls) we both sort of stumbled on to the idea, that we were quite different from most people that we had met......yet too similiar in the construction of our thoughts/emotions.


I had read about BPD before .........but failed to see how it really applied to me. Being masochistic in nature...........it can take a lot of effort for me, to even explore new ideas concerning my health.........

I needed the entertainment factor/relationship.........of going through that, with another person with BPD.......otherwise i would of just avoided delving into it as much as i could.


Essentially.........i knew i had OCD since i was 19.

I did virtually nothing about it until i was 26.............because, i just "shut down" whenever i tried to learn about it or do any therapy..........


So yeah........i needed the right series of events, to get to self-awareness.


Sadly, self-awareness seems to be the easiest step.

Haha whatever twisted your totally ###$ up

Clearly. That is not in dispute.


I do try hard though, to not let my own anger and rage (both conscious and otherwise) cloud my judgement when i'm giving advice to other people.


I'm not sure why you felt singled out? Could it be because i was singling you out?


Not that your post didn't have merit..........as it obviously does have merit.


I just wonder, if you look at it........and think that that's a good way to be/act/think........for yoruself?

Do you want to want emotional revenge on your bf?

Do you want to want to have to block him on face book?

Do you want to want to feel like he deserves whatever hell you bring him.........because he abandoned you?

I mean.........what does it even matter, if he abandoned you. Your bf is a loser........i belive you've mentioned that many times. That you like to pick losers............so why care so much, when losers act like losers?

(duh i understand, as i pick "losers" too and get all upset when they leave or my insane version of them leaving (me hurting them badly, and them not getting over it))


It's just.........your post has an air of pride about it. You're a real bad-ass and never forgive anyone who messes with you.

And i get the appeal of that.........i think that way too, often.

But it only hurts us and keeps us angry and alone. Even when we are with people.......we still feel alone. As we know, everyone is a potential enemy.


That's not good. And it's less likely to change, the more we let ourselves think it is ok.


So yeah........i know i'm fukced up. Thinking fukced up thoughts, and giving fukced up advice and being ok with being fukced up.........isn't going to help me be less fukced up.


I just hope..........you're able to look at your post...........and go "wow, that makes me look crazy".

I'm guessing you can......... and do? But your post makes me wonder, especially about how you apportion blame.


Like your current relationship mess............how much is your boyfriend's fault? Percentage wise?

How much was your last?

Thanks again for keeping it real. I can't help but realize the extreme polar opposites of your post and crimsonandclover. I don't think only people with bpd think mean or devious things. Heck I do to - especially when I get hurt. I tend to be reserved and allow my 'observing ego' to jump in to stop me from being impulsive. Being impulsive is very boyish behavior and shows a lack of maturity. It takes a lot of training especially when you have a wounded ego. It appears that BPD have wounded SuperEgos (conscious, moral ethics) where as people with abandonment issues have a wounded ID (intuition, shrewdness). This makes sense as to why we were attracted to eachother to begin with. We both wanted what the other person had.

What I came to realize is that although my abandonment issues were healed over they got torn right open again with the Coming and Going characteristics of intimacy (cold and then hot) of persons with BPD. She didn't do it on purpose, she really didn't and that much I know. Its just in her makeup. This was why she decided to put a hold on the relationship because she didn't want to continue to hurt me. She is maturing.

She had always mentioned that she has control issues. I think that may be her 'observing ego' trying to control her impulsive behaviors. She also stated that she had years of therapy prior to all this. What I find odd is that her parents are very good people and they seldom fight. Her mother does seem to pick up at a drop of a hat and just take off for a skiing trip and then call the father to let him know she is already in Vermont. She seems to lack that strong motherly instinct if you know what I mean. But my ex girlfriend / friend doesn't see that at all. And when the therapist brought it up she became defensive. She actually believes its from her first love. They had an on and off relationship from age 15-25 (she is now 31). She blames this as the root cause. But knowing how we have been molded - most of our personality and self esteem (super ego and id) take place during the years of 2-6. She was only repeating what she had learned as a child.

Even when we are with people.......we still feel alone.

I remember the first time we made love. She took a shower afterwards and then came out like 10 minutes later and said I was just thinking that I felt all alone and totally forgot that I had a handsome hunk in my bed. Things are making sense now and I guess she always did feel alone which is also why she shut down. She has tons of friends and is very well liked in the community and is a very outgoing person. She has a smile that could kill and is always so positive on the outlook on life. It sounds as if she has been through a fair share of personal and professional coaching to have reached this level of maturity.


I have a question. - I have been thinking of returning back to my place and eventually talking with her and becoming friends. We do compliment eachother in various aspects of our lives and that was the part of the relationship that I enjoyed so much as did she. Do you think she will actively ignore me? I have no idea how borderlines heal. She keeps herself very busy so she isn't usually able to even focus on anything that involves personal growth, which is why she took the mature route and hired a therapist. My other concern is that I know she doesn't like to be alone in between relationships and usually has a male friend to lean on during this time. She doesn't really want to keep repeating this behavior and has grown much more conscious of it. I have no intent on having an intimate relationship - rather a solid friendship. Is this possible and if so what does a friendship mean to her?


I am in favor of growing and maturing to a better place in life. We only have one life and its our choice how we choose to live it. You sound like you have made some very healthy decisions for yourself and tip my hat off to you.

Ziggy