She's moving out, on Christmas Day!?

My wife of 13 years is, today, Christmas, moving out. I've been alerted to the fact that she is probably BPD and perhaps that answers the Christmas question (or, "It had to be NOW!). It's gotten worse over time but her emotional distance has her staying in bed all day when not working (ER nurse).
We split up two years ago under very impulsive circumstances, the catalyst on by my own anger and frustration at the time at the lack of attention to family and our marriage. We were apart for 4 months then when she heard I was dating she was back on the doorstep immediately. She in turn had, upon my leaving, taken up with a Dr. at work (married 5 times) and even brought him home where my son and daughter in law were living at the time.
When we reconciled I soon discovered that with all of her ailments (endometriosis, two back surgeries, hyperthyroid, migraines) she has been taking Norco and was addicted. We held a family intervention and she agreed to rehab. In rehab she started communicating with the Dr. again (supposedly he's sober) and wanted him as her sponsor. That was denied for obvious reasons and when she got out she seemed better, but there was a glint in her eye (betrayal?). We have not been getting along recently and I had the overwhelming feeling of a destruction campaign being waged. A week ago she said she was getting an apartment, that it would take time for the application and talked of divorce in an if/when context. I called the bluff and got paperwork.
Around the same time I looked at our joint cell account and discovered that she's been texting this jerk 24/7, literally. All hours. Even while I was in surgery a few weeks ago.At the same time I text once or twice a day. She is, BTW, obsessed with texting. She never calls (me any way) about anything, with me knowing I won't get a reply. When I confronted she said it's about her sobriety, they're friends (of course) and I tried to explain betrayal...and then remembered there's no arguing with a BPD.
This is really tough. Christmas! I have no idea what keeps me so attached (it's such a strange feeling) and it will be rough but not as rough as last time, especially now knowing what I do. Trying to stay strong and show no emotion. Continue to wait for the other shoe to drop. Tough part is trying to keep her financial commitments to our home. I can't do it alone and she has never had a clue re:finances.

This is my first time here. Thanks.

Taggo, welcome to the BPD forum. I am so sorry you are going through such a painful period in your life, especially at Christmas time. I am glad you found us. There are many BPDs and Nons here who will be glad to share their experiences and give advice when they can. I suggest that, while you are waiting for more responses, you start reading some of the other threads on this forum. I believe that you will find that reading about the experiences of others will be helpful. Moreover, they likely raise many of the questions you now have.

I am struck by the absence of any details in your post indicating that your wife has strong BPD traits. So far, we only know she sleeps late, has been betraying you emotionally (if not otherwise) with the doctor, and was once addicted to a pain killer after having two surgeries and migraine attacks.

Of course, you should tell us only what you are comfortable with disclosing. I raise this issue only because, when you say you were "alerted to the fact she is probably BPD," it seems you are still uncertain she has BPD. It also seems questionable that the person alerting you is in a position to know. You likely will get more useful responses here if we know you are confident she has BPD. Otherwise, folks like me will be cautioning you against jumping to conclusions on the disorder.

Also, by "waiting for the other shoe to drop," I assume you mean her filing papers seeking a divorce. What, then, do you mean when you say you called her bluff a week ago when you "got paperwork"? Finally, Taggo, I just want to say that, if she does have strong traits of BPD, I'm glad you are now taking action to protect yourself.

Sorry, that was a touch vague.
For as long as I can remember I have been the target of any and all blame, I noticed early on that there was no compromising, NEVER a "this was my part.". It was always my anger, my cynicism...Was I? Yes, at times, but no more than most. It just always seems so one sided, so unfair. There was no reasoning with her. She would turn her back on me in a flash.

I was just remembering when we bought our first couch about 7 years ago. She had taken me down to see one she liked. We bought it and only a year later, after she became dissatisfied began saying,"Well, you were the one that wanted it."

We began marriage counseling 7-8 years ago and instead of sitting next to me on the couch, she sat on the other side of the room facing me, along with the therapist. A unique geographical position for the blamer. As my therapist has said, "That's MFT 101. She should have been next to you, the therapist was manipulated." She was unwilling to accompany me to events at the school where I teach. EVER.

She is incredibly impulsive. Has never decided on a color for the walls of the house in 10 years, and as I write, there are paint patches painted all over the upstairs walls. With nothing finished. Everyday it seemed there was some new complaint, malady, reason to blame me and keep me down. When we split the first time it all seemed to happen so fast, like it was planned but needed the right emotional dramatic moment. When it came, an argument over college tuition in which she said "You've lost our son tonight." Because I was ALMOST late with tuition payments. She said that's it. She said she did it to save the marriage, then soon after started dating this clown. Telling me later, "I changed my mind, I wanted a divorce." Then came flying back when I filed for separation and she heard I might be dating (something my therapist warned of). And like this time I have been kept in the dark as to who would get/do what, how things would be handled. Everything is driven by emotion alone including this experience. My first hint was what I now know as a destruction campaign she started a couple of months back, her speaking to friends about how rotten I've been. This time though, they called me and asked what was going on.

I have been nothing but there for her during sobriety. Loving, attentive, even though she was still in bed at 4pm reading every day she wasn't at work.

My indications for BPD, and the reason I'm here is that two years ago my therapist mentioned BPD as a possibility. And again the other day in session, though we both know we can't be sure. And recently an old friend with experience with BPD in youths also said this independently.

Maybe its BPD, maybe its NPD. I don't know, but I do know that when I walk out the door I can be myself. When I'm here there is a fog I live in. I want rid of the guilt. I see my codependency but just feel I have to get free. ASAP

taggo wrote:I don't know, but I do know that when I walk out the door I can be myself. When I'm here there is a fog I live in. I want rid of the guilt. I see my codependency but just feel I have to get free. ASAP

That is the motion right there. that is growth. Accept yourself and find that strength. That is your new rock. If you can hang on that you will be okay. Sure as hell it will continue to be a long and bumpy passage but it will be worth it for everyone. The toxicity and added stress destroys everyone involved. Sure the suffering and loss is painful but if growth comes out of it at this point it is a best case scenario. Sorry about the whole holiday as the moment. But needless to say we are all pretty aware of how stressful it is on a day to day level that holidays don't "really" exist anyway. All hands on deck all the time. Now you need to refocus on your vessel.

It is really hard to walk/separate from something that was constant regardless how stressful it was. Change is heavy, fear of the unknown, being alone...reflecting on all those years wondering if it was worth it, why didn't you do X,Y,Z earlier or in a different manner. BUT none of that matters, if you can get your head screwed on and keep one foot in front of the other you will continue to evolve and refocus your energies on you and grow. Maybe we weren't aware of the self or role we all played at certain times but you are in the here and now being present and dealing the best you can. Hard to give so much and always feel like that support wasn't reciprocated or at least in a way that you "felt" it was. Just a hard way to go for everyone in the relationship. Again if it is toxic, gotta be extracted.

You seemed to be in a rational place not being totally ruled by pain/emotions etc...but still being aware of them and tuned in to them. Keep moving it forward.

good luck. need to pow wow you got people here waiting for you.

I have a great support network. Friends and family who are rallying around. Also though, I AM done. Therapy has shown me at least a glimmer of my own worth and how dysfunctional this is. The money she's gone through can be earned back, the love she never had can be found, but most of all peace of mind can be had and soon. Our son and I began looking at PD's months ago, so there is understanding, painful as that is.
I don't think she'll come back this time, I can't be sure, but there is an element to this that says she's hit bottom.
Thank you

One other point. She was adamant that I not be here for her move out. She wanted me to go to TX for the holiday to see family, saying it would be too painful. I actually planned to do so until I decided that giving her what she wants was just what I shouldn't do and I could be here to monitor what goes/stays. When I told her she was not happy and bugged me about it at every turn asking why I wouldn't go. I simply said one of my sisters could be there and we'd all meet up in Feb. With our past breakup I was left clueless and played the bad dog sent to the yard, I was buying into it being my fault big time. This time I'm here, not fighting the move and trying to stay emotionally neutral, all business.
I asked for some paperwork this AM she is supposedly showing to an atty so I could copy it today and she wanted me to stay in the house while she went to the car. Then after leaving came back to 'grab something and then called on the house phone an hour later and hung up.
This could absolutely be me, being paranoid, but something doesn't feel right. It feels like it's about to get weird.

Oh, THOSE bpd traits. Yes, Taggo, I see now why you believe your wife has strong traits of this disorder.

taggo wrote:My indications for BPD, and the reason I'm here is that two years ago my therapist mentioned BPD as a possibility. And again the other day in session, though we both know we can't be sure. And recently an old friend with experience with BPD in youths also said this independently.

As I have explained in other threads, all adults have the nine BPD traits to some degree. With a little bit of reading, it is quite easy to identify all nine of them. You can learn to spot projection and splitting, for example, without having a PhD in psychology because this is not rocket science -- and because you occassionally exhibit those traits yourself.

What is hard is making a clincal diagnosis because that requires determining whether the severity exceeds the diagnostic threshold and teasing apart the contributions of other PDs and illnesses. For you, however, it hardly matters whether your wife's BPD traits warrant a clinical diagnosis as such. What matters, instead, is whether they are so severe that the two of you are in a toxic relationship. Significantly, even when BPD traits are well short of the diagnostic threshold, they can make the relationship very destructive for both individuals.

My view is that, with some basic information, any intelligent adult can spot a strong pattern of BPD traits when it occurs. You don't have to be capable of diagnosing NPD, for example, to know what strong selfishness looks like. So I believe people should learn to spot BPD traits, especially when they are young and in the dating stage. They need to be able to spot red flags because, once they have fallen in love, getting out is extremely painful and -- for codependents like me -- highly unlikely (until the BPD walks out 15 years later).

Because none of us on this forum are psychologists (that I know of), we try hard to avoid suggesting that an undiagnosed person is "BPD." I say "try hard" because we write so much that we occassionally slip up. What we aim for, instead, is to speak of "strong BPD traits." Making that statement is well within our province because (a) we all have such traits, (b) forum members have read enough to be able to spot them, and (c) we also can spot strong occurrences of those traits.

There was no reasoning with her.

Yes but, then, do you know any person on the planet who you can reason with when they are experiencing an intense emotion, as in extreme anger? I believe that the human mind is hard wired to go into splitting mode (i.e., dissociation) whenever we are startled, suddenly surprised, or experiencing another very intense emotion. When you look up to see a truck bearing down on you, for example, you are capable of only black-white thinking: jump right or jump left. Likewise, when you are extremely angry, your inner child takes over and you are no longer in touch with the logical adult, an instant process called "dissociation." BPDs do that far more frequently because, lacking emotional control, they may experience intense emotion during any attempt you make to negotiate or compromise on something.

Certainly, my exW is that way. In 15 years, we never reached agreement or compromised on anything. Even in those rare instances where she seemed to be agreeing, the agreement evaporated within days. Moreover, I heard such twisted rationalization coming out of her mouth that I often wondered how she could keep a straight face while saying it. Of course, now I know. She was speaking to me through her inner child and, with dissociation, had shut down access to her adult logic -- which is exactly what I do when I get real angry.

I've experienced it so many times that, when angry, I routinely know I cannot trust my judgement (i.e., my child's judgement, actually) and therefore delay taking action until I cool down. We nons are not only better at avoiding such emotional flareups but, once they occur, also better at self-soothing to calm ourselves down.

I was just remembering when we bought our first couch about 7 years ago. She had taken me down to see one she liked. We bought it and only a year later, after she became dissatisfied began saying,"Well, you were the one that wanted it.

Boy, does that bring back memories! My exW and I drove six hours south to North Carolina to spend three days buying furniture near the factories located there. It was a lose-lose situation. If I said I didn't like something, she had a fit. If I said I liked it, she would lose interest in the item quickly. My approval was the kiss of death.

Sadly, the only way she could possibly feel in control -- i.e., feel she had any influence whatsoever on the buying decision -- was when we bought something I absolutely hated. And that was hard to achieve because she and I had nearly identical tastes in furniture.

Of course, due to her unstable sense of self, her feeling of having made the purchase decision would soon evaporate. She would grow to dislike every purchase within two weeks. It never mattered how excited she was about it on the day of purchase. Within a few weeks she was wanting to replace the item that "I had picked out." My experience, then, closely parralled yours except that I had to wait only two weeks, not one year, for the blame shift to occur.

We began marriage counseling 7-8 years ago and instead of sitting next to me on the couch, she sat on the other side of the room facing me, along with the therapist.

Ditto for me. Actually, the three of us sort of formed a triangle in the room. Unlike you, however, I did it for 15 years. Big mistake. I should have been going, instead, to my own therapist, who would have represented my interests alone and thus would have told me to leave.

This could absolutely be me, being paranoid, but something doesn't feel right. It feels like it's about to get weird.

No, you are not paranoid. It has already gotten weird behind your back and you've just not seen it yet. Until you go through a divorce with a BPD, you don't know what weird and nasty is. In my case, I pushed my wife away from a door she was trying to destroy in a rage. Such a push here in DC constitutes a misdemeanor. So she called the police and had me arrested. Because it was a Saturday morning, I spent three days in jail lying on hard steel (no mattress) until the arraignment Monday afternoon.

On that day, I was put in a holding cell with a hundred men, only three of which were white like me. All three of us were "wife beaters," including a young man who taught psysics at a local university. All one hundred treated me very well. Because none of them was older than 35, they considered me (then 62) the kindly grandfather. Taggo, this is the kind of weird that is in store for you if you wait another seven years to get out like I did.

Even getting out now, however, is going to get real nasty real quick. What you are now dealing with is a very angry child who has all the legal resources available to every adult. I therefore urge you to go to BPDfamily.com and start participating in the Divorce message board [numbered L3]. There are dozens of things you need to know to protect yourself and the guys there have seen it all. They will help guide you through the process. Your decision to be around for the move out, for example, was a smart choice. But there will another hundred choices like that before the divorce is final. Take care.