Identity disturbance: what does "being yourself" mean?

I was diagnosed with BPD 6 or 7 years ago. I don't know how severe it is with me, if I just have the traits or the full-blown thing.

One of the things I've always struggled with is identity disturbance. I'm fine as long as I'm alone. When I'm with others, though, I adjust to my surroundings WAY too easily. It's almost reflexive, like a chameleon. I've moved a lot, changed jobs, friends, etc. Is this just an overactive coping mechanism or a sign of an unstable core?


How do you guys know when you're "being yourselves?" I'm talking about having a stable sense of self, goals, values. What anchors you?

GREAT question!

I get nervous in crowds and have no idea what to say so I avoid that. I decided that it's ok for me to not try to "play the game" because, no matter how much I improve, bpd isn't curable and some things are not healthy for me. I used to often change my persona to please who I was with, but I really DO have core values and goals, and I'll bet you do too. They just get muddled sometimes. These are my thoughts:

I read somewhere to write down your identity. Who are you? What do you believe in? What do you enjoy? Write a profile of yourself. I could say:

My name is Pam.
I am socially liberal with a strong social conscience
I care about the poor and needy
I am very creative and writing is my first love
I enjoy kids, although sometimes they stress me out, and animals, especially dogs
i am high strung and when under stress, I can freak out (this part of me)
I have an illness, bpd, which I am trying to control
I am a spiritual person who believes in the afterlife and in reincarnation

I am far more likely to behave IN CHARACTER these days as I have stopped caring that much about if people will like me. I have more of a "what you see is what you get" attitude. It's scary sometimes when it's somebody I love, but it's better than being a phony. It helps me when I remind myself exactly who I am. All bpd's have identities...who we are is what we like to do, what we believe in, how we react....we just have trouble showing other people our true selves because we are so afraid of abandonment.

Thanks, Alpha! (Pam)

I think you hit the nail on the head--I do have core values, and they do get muddled. I'm going to start working on a personality inventory of my own, as well as doing writing exercises to see if I can't form stronger opinions on things. I'll start with the basics, like movies and vegetables. Maybe "stronger" is the wrong word. "More stable" and "more consistent" would be appropriate.

I think that part of the problem I have is not only the BPD traits. I think it's also overwhelming empathy. In the words of Neil Strauss, "I tend to see a person's point of view easily, even if he's criminally insane. But it does seem to be a good way of making new friends."

I think it's a matter of what kind of friends I would like to have, and what kind of people I would like to have around me. That starts with being honest about who *I* am, right?

i don't have a "myself", i'm just a poor deception of what people percieve me to be.

Excellent question. I'd say this should remain a viable thread if my participation didn't automatically bestow death. I've always had trouble with myself, too, even though I've managed to convince myself that I've been myself around my friends. Myself. Sorry, just felt the need to add one more.
NEway, I noticed decades ago that I was a social chameleon. I thought I knew who I was, but it was so changeable, and easily influenced by whomever I was around, I guess I really didn't. I know that was one of the reasons for my random rages. Just so tired of trying to be whatever "me" the group would find acceptable, I got stressed, then angry.

I like your exercise, Pam. Think I'm gonna give it a try. I may have to borrow some of your lines and decide if they ring true for me; or make them do so.

My name is Lisa. I go by Lisa-Marie just as often
I tend to be left of center, politically
I believe astrology is a science (when done properly), and just as flawed as any other science out there
I don't feel I'm particularly creative
With no performance (including writing - not journal or forum) outlet in my life, whatever depression I happen to be in gets worse
I like kids, but I'm glad I've never had any (yes, it's too late)
I don't understand my family, they don't understand me, and I'm not sure how to work with that. Major source of stress for me.
I consider myself a bit of a paradox: skeptic who believes in astrology, homebody that loves to travel, thrifty spendthrift, among other things
I have been trying to figure out, on my own, what is wrong with me since I was at least 18
- when we were kids, my mother sent my brother to a psychologist, but refused to send me
I do believe in God and Jesus. I also believe that you don't have to be a Christian to be heaven-bound.
- goes over like a lead balloon here in Evangelical central, and back home in the belt loop around the Bible belt.
I like being alone
I never did understand people, but I do like watching them. As long as I can find a way out, I don't mind crowds.
Because of my personal history, I'm frankly amazed I haven't taken my own life by now.

I think that's enough for now. It got easier the more I wrote.

FrayedEndOfSanity wrote:...
How do you guys know when you're "being yourselves?" I'm talking about having a stable sense of self, goals, values. What anchors you?

For myself, meditation and being able to spend time alone has helped "anchor" me. Setting goals and achieving them, interacting with others and having a good base of relationships helped define my identity.

My name is Sintara
I have political opinions but I tend to get annoyed with people who are politically fanatical.
I believe that extremes in ones beliefs can be damaging at either end of the spectrum.
I am a Christian but I feel that I'm a bad example of a Christian.
I love animals of all kinds.
I am charitable towards people but guarded against them.
I'm a dreamer, an adventurer, a wanderer.
I'm scared of being ordinary.
I get bored very easily.
I am mentally troubled but trying.
I'm a college student and I do well.
I'm a wife.
I have no intention of becoming a mother (just not for me).
I love long baths.
I love shopping too much
I love music.
I'm a good writer.
I read so much people call me a book worm.
I fantasize more often than I work towards making those fantasies real.
I want to travel and see the whole world.
I long to be a social person but don't know how to trust or relate.
I feel trapped and alone most of the time.
I'm a procrastinator.
I'm an over-achiever in areas but avoid others.
I've struggled with depression my whole life but I continue to fight.
And now I'm going to be somebody eating dinner so bye

I have to work harder on my list. 3 months and 20 pages of notes later, I still don't know what's truly mine and what isn't.

I really appreciate the responses.

I used about the same method to understand who I am. I got a notebook and a pencil. I made rules like: Keep it to simple statements and one idea per sentence. I'm not allowed to erase anything. If I feel something is completely true without a doubt, circle it. If something is what other people want me to believe about myself but I don't feel is accurate, cross it out but keep it readable. If you aren't sure, go back later. It took me an entire notebook and 6 months but it worked. After that, I burned the notebook to protect privacy and to ensure that I didn't become reliant on a piece of paper to tell me who I am. Since then, any doubts that I've had are minor and irrelevant.

I am Nibby.
I'm abnormal mentally but I'm not crazy.
I have noscomenophobia (fear of hospitals).
I am a writer and an artist.
I don't care about politics or sports.
I am not religious but like mythology and divination.
I have an unexplained reoccurring blood craving.
I get bored easily.
I'm not a social person unless it's beneficial or interesting in some way.
I much prefer animals to people.

There's a lot more I could write but that's the gist of what I find important/feel like sharing. The general idea is to keep it simple and if you have the slightest idea that something you write down isn't completely true, it's probably not. Also there will be paradoxes. Everyone in existence has conflicting truths.

It's very normal with people like us, we are so insecure and so unsure of our identity we try and please everyone in hope of being "accepted". But we will never be, never in our minds regardless if no one or everyone loves you.I for instance have problems with being accepted. Its either by everyone or no one at all. so it makes me feel empty, like there's no soul, and than numb and than i lose senses like taste and smell.

Just try to see yourself like this , this is what i do. Imagine you are looking at yourself outside your body , and than realize that you see yourself the way you see others(strong, confident, stable). However this only builds a wall with a hollow core, already what we have......

all alone is all we are