Borderline GF, taking a break/no contact dilema

My gf was recently diagnosed with BPD. It was a relief when this happened, as I had been suspecting it for awhile, but had no confirmation that I was not the one going crazy in the relationship.

First, just a few observations about her behavior- and please let me know if you have had similar experiences!!

She seems to emotionally need to be in control in the relationship at all times. In the beginning we got really close, really fast. After about 3 weeks, she told me she loved me. To me, it seems as if as soon as I told her that I loved her, she was now in control- she "had" me and stopped putting as much effort into the relationship or showering me with compliments, calls, texts, etc. like she had in the beginning. When I began to reciprocate her actions/emotions of love, she said that she was feeling smothered?? So in other words, its acceptable for her to exhibit what might be interpreted as smothering behavior, but it is NOT ok for me to act in the same manner.

I have tried to be sympathetic to her constant complaints, physical and mental ailments. She however, is unreliable when I need ANY kind of emotional support or reassurance.


We have decided we need a break from our relationship. We said no contact for a few weeks. She broke that agreement almost immediately.

I guess my dilemma ultimately is that I love her and miss her desperately. I feel as though there is this huge void. The rational part of me says get out and stay out. But my heart literally hurts and refuses to let me break away.

I am not looking for advice on whether to stay or leave, I think I will soon figure that out on my own. All I want to know is if anyone out there has had an experience similar to this one and how did you handle it?

Hi, HowMuchLonger! My situation isn't exactly like yours but I've dealt with someone who acts this way. It seems to me like the best thing to do is to keep them at a comfortable distance, so that we don't get hurt. I hope you know that you can come here and vent any time. Sorry I can't be of more help.

Been there, bought the t-shirt. It always amazes me how strikingly similar the BPD partner stories always are.

She came after me, really fast, before I knew it we were living together, after a couple of weeks. Everything is perfect for two years. Major major warning signs about bizarre things she did to others during that time, but with me, everything's wonderful. She loves me, I'm her soul mate, we'll be together forev.... oops, one little thing went wrong, she's out the door. The yo-yo'ing starts back and forth. If I think 'good riddens' I'm doen with this crap, she's rolling on the ground in a crying fit that I'm 'walking out on her", the day after she broke up with me in a rage. I write her a letter saying that I love her and I'm willing to help her through anything, then that's 'f'ing weird", shouted out loudly, and suddenly 'why have I got a death frip on this relationship?' I walk out, then it's ' I knew I shouldn't have believed you!'. Heads I loose, Tails, I loose.

What you mentioned about the things being ok for her but not for me was something that endlessly irked me at the time, and it would come out in hundreds of different ways. It's like she had this bizarre self-centeredness to her that she was the only person on the planet, and everything was about her needs being met, almost like the concept of another person's feelings was an ungraspable concept. If she wanted to talk, then she would think nothing of showing up at my place midnight on a Saturday night, usually only to rant at me in the end. If she didn't want to talk, then I was not to bother her in any way, and she'd shout angry 'no's' at any requests to talk about anything.

This sort of abusive behaviour, and it is very abusive, it really feels like it, can create something called trauma bonding, like it really sticks in your head, the injustice of it all sometimes. I've thought so many times that if we had of had a 'normal' break up, which I have had many times with other women, none of the stuff about getting hung up on her at the time would have happened. I don't think BPDs do it intentionally, it comes out the whole abandonment issues stuff, but it can cause the non-BPD to keep wanting to 'fix' the situation and get hung up on the break up. A huge part of it when it happend in my case was that she had me feeling so intensely guilty about everything that I kept wanting to 'prove' to her that it wasn't me, that I was there to love her if she'd only just come back and give things another chance. I kept thinking how wonderful things had been duiring the start of the relationship and thinking that she was the love of my life and that I had to get her back, eventhough logically the bizarre things she was doing to other people and myself didn't match this image I had of her in my mind. I think maybe it's the sharp contrast between the good and the bad split that makes the good part look so wonderful in comparison and why the emotional part won't let go. There still is, years later, an emotional part in my head that doesn't want to accept that the rest of the horror story that I'm not getting into here happened, that somehow there's a 'real her' inside that still feels the same way about me, and that things just 'went wrong', but the more I read about BPD over the years the more I realized that the 'real her' I thought I knew was the mask and not the real person. It takes a heck of a long time to accept that though.

I had just broken up with a significant other who I suspected had BDP. One of the hardest things you are going to have to do is not blame yourself. I kept (and still do) keep looking back at what I did wrong and finding new ways to fix it. No contact will be the only way that your are going to be able to get over this person.

I went through the same period where I wondered "This person was my whole life how am I going to be able to love someone else?". In the end you can take comfort in knowing that it will get better yet this ust takes time. If the other person would text you or contact you, you MUST ignore them otherwise you will fall back right to where you were in the first place. Also its sort of protection incase the person would run to another. While your heart screams that this was right and everything was wonderful, in your gut you now look back on it and you realize that it was wrong.


I hope this helps you and lets you know that you are not alone.

I'm new to this forum but your conversation has really struck a nerve with me. I was seeing a woman with BPD symptoms for three years. Following a long succession of her breaking up with me (usually by some hateful text message) followed by her unapologetic reconciliations, we are at present not speaking. I have been in a horrible state of mind, wondering yet again what I can do to make it better. I fight daily not to email her, pick up the phone, etc., but I am afraid that it will get us back to the same dynamic we were left in. I absolutely fell in love with this woman, but each time I tried to get closer to her she would back away. She would accuse me of infidelity (always untrue) and tell me how awful I am; then she would get back to me a week or so better, telling me that I made her so mad that she couldn't talk. She hasn't held down a full time job for three years; I was supporting her financially quite a bit. I have been struggling with feelings of guilt for letting her down or not being able to do more; now I worry about her well being. I feel like the co-dependent enabler I'm starting to read about. Trying to stay away now as I think it's the best thing to do, but it's really hard. Hearing about similar stories gives me some hope. Thanks!

Sorry this is so long... once I started typing I couldn't stop. There is still so much emotion and so many questions inside me....

Wow. So much of what I just read in this thread fits for me. I have been out of my 7 month relationship with my ex, who Im almost positive is bpd, for 2 months now. It was a short, but absolutely crazy relationship. I have called it the best and worst relationship I have ever had. It started and progressed quickly. He wooed me with so many crazy romantic gestures and words. He said he loved me more than anyone and I felt it too. We believed we were soul mates because it was like we had known each other for many years. It was intense. He has a son and he quickly invited me into both of their lives and his son and I hit it off right away and the three of us became like a fun and cozy little unit. He, my ex, was an artist, a musician, wrote poetry, all wonderful, except he was stuck in a job that he knew was beneath him and that was physically exhausting, not mentally stimulating, and keeping him financially strapped all the time. He couldn't progress because of his sometimes debilitating anxiety. There were so many signs that I ignored like negative stories about "crazy exes", tons of moves, over the top angry rants about topics that didnt seem to me to warrant such strong reactions, and alluding to dramatic endings to friendships, but not sharing details. Why the heck did I stay and ignore these things, well because they were contrasted with this amazingly sensitive, affectionate, thoughtful, intelligent, warm, sweet, and kind person. I see now how I ignored the negatives at first.

Early on in the relationship we, mainly he, began talking and planning to move in together, talking about babies.. this was music to my 32 year old searching for my soul mate ears.. I ignored the signs. Things started to shift relatively quickly though with him. It began with him being overly sensitive about hearing about my past relationships... now I wasnt describing details of past sexual times at all, simply telling stories about my life because I believe that our pasts make up who we are today and it is important for me to share parts of my past with my present love. It became all about his need to be comfortable. He would say hearing these stories made him have to have images in his head that didnt belong there. It never sat right with me, but I tried and tried to understand his perspective. We would have these long (like 6 hour) conversation where he would talk in circles about his feelings and his needs, all the while belittling me by interjecting little comments about my insensitivity and inconsistency. He would bring these conversations to me having already thought them all out in his head. I could barely get a word in edge wise. Sometimes I would just agree to end the conversation when he wouldnt stop. This sounds bad right? But it was always contrasted with all this love and admiration and idealization. I had never been with someone who seemed to adore me this much... I know now thats because adoring someone that much or at least in that way is actually unhealthy and a sign of shallow emotions. Soon my indiscretions in his eyes became more and more and worse. Once I called to change our plans to a little later as a g/f was really upset and needed to talk and requested he wait for me at home and not show up where we were, as she needed some friend time. He agreed and then showed up and later when I was angry told me I was inconsistent and unreliable for changing the plans on him at the last minute. Pretty soon I had poor boundaries, troubles with intimacy and by this point we had moved in together... It was like a roller coaster day to day week to week, love and then hate and then love again. We would have a discussion or a disagreement, agree to take a break away from each other (before we moved in) and he would call and leave me voicemail after voicemail and/or send me 10 plus emails all night long that didnt even make complete sense, were only like streams of consciousness. His anger about my disrespectful things, which were not disrepectful to a person who was secure and not full of mistrust and fear, became worse and worse. He started drinking again (oh, ya he shared that he was an alcoholic in AA several months in) and soon was slamming doors, yelling, basically being an abusive jerk. It always stemmed from fear. It was like I was acting the same throughout, like myself, who has never been accused of being boundariless, insensitive, inconsistent, etc before, and he was looking as hard as he could to find ways to prove his theories about me ( and I think he does this with everyone who gets close to him) as an unsafe and untrustworthy person who will only abandon him in the end. He would shift from this angry scary a-hole to this loving, kind, reasonable guy, and sometimes to this scared little boy who would say to me in bed, "promise me you will never leave me". His emotions were crazy all over the charts.

I continue to ask myself how did I get so far into that relationship... a step parent role, living together, vacations to stay with both our extended families? I really loved him and feel sad for that little boy, but I'm also angry for the many mean and nasty things he has said to me, about me and some of the people I care most about. The thing that kept me there most I think was that on good days he could be very rational. He could name his crazy emotions, recognize that it was crazy making for him and me, feel bad and sort of accept responsibility and so on. I was holding out that the sweet and reasonable guy I loved would seek the help he needed, I even offered to help. We went to a couples counsellor and she was amazing and picked up on his insecurity and emotional dysreg right away. He saw what he needed to do, but the feelings would be too overpowering it seemed when they came, he would forget about or ignore the strategies he had agreed to try.

It ended with a big nasty fight (his son was out of town, thank god) and us agreeing to split. I found a place and moved as soon as possible. Once I had moved I found a letter from him in my stuff stating that he will always remember me as the great projector, basically claiming the ending of the relationship was all my doing because of my lack of boundaries, insensitivity, incongruence, immaturity, wild emotions, it went on and on. He said as soon as all my stuff was gone he wanted us to return to being total strangers. Wow. It hurt, a lot. How does one go from all of the other intensity of emotion to pure hatred and complete doneness? Its a mystery to me. I have been through a big phase of anger at him and then myself, a phase of relief, a phase of grief, and am beginning to return to my old self. It feels like I was in that relationship and that CRAZY cycle for 10 years! What's funny though is that even though I have no desire to be in a relationship with him again I keep finding myself thinking of ways that I could connect with him. It just feels so strange to me that we could go from all of that emotionally charged (positive and negative) stuff, believing we were soul mates, dont ever leave me..... to basically you're dead to me. I think its not normal, right? Now, part of me thinks that he could be a little extra mad because of the excellent article I left for him as I was moving out about bpt (Oops... but t was bang on for him), but I guess I had hoped that he would keep it and on one of those good days read and think about it.

I am slowly getting over this, but I still get stuck in my thinking sometimes on what I could have done differently, what kind of help he needs, what he might be doing now, and the incorrect narratives he is carrying around about me. I find myself wanting to connect and have even attempted friendly emails twice wishing him and his son merry christmas and stuff like that, with no reply. On new years eve day I called when I knew he was at work and left a msg wishing him all the best in the new year and saying that I was sorry for any hurtful and unkind things I have said and done and my role in the ugly ending. I didnt expect to hear anything back and I havent. I think I did that more for me than for him. Time is making this all go away slowly, but was wondering if others have any tricks for stopping myself from getting drawn back into the turbulent, chaotic, rollercoastery place in my mind that I seem to continue to be reserving and giving power to. Its like a physical reaction inside when I allow myself to go there in my mind and something about it is satisfying, but Im sure its not healthy.

Sorry for the super long post everyone. I do appreciate your thoughts

MovingOn77 wrote:I am slowly getting over this, but I still get stuck in my thinking sometimes on what I could have done differently

MovingOn, welcome to the BPD forum. I am glad you found us. What you are finding, as I did, is that learning about BPD -- and knowing intellectually what you should do -- is the easy part. What is hard is internalizing it so that you feel, at a gut level, that it is the right thing. If you are like me, your child (i.e., your emotions) is lagging behind your adult logic by many months.

Until you bring the child and adult into alignment, it will be difficult to do things based solely on "the theory" that your adult knows so well. Your child will be there in the background raising nagging questions and doubt. Never mind that your adult knows your exBF is incapable of trusting you and thus will never believe any advice you give him.

Because the child learns from emotional experiences instead of logic, the best way to reeducate the child is to communicate with others about the problem, which allows you to experience feelings and intellectual thoughts simultaneously -- putting your adult in touch with your child. In my case, I talked as much as I could with friends and family -- which is to say I did not talk much because their eyes soon glazed over. So the thing that helped me most was communicating with other Nons and BPDs here on the forum, where I always found someone willing to listen and help if they could.

I have written many posts describing a therapist who has treated several dozen BPD couples. He said that BPD relationships typically last 18 months or 15 years. They last 18 months, he explained, when the Non is healthy and has strong personal boundaries. In that case, the Non enjoys the 6 month passionate honeymoon and is willing to work for up to a year trying to reestablish the honeymoon. Then he bails.

The relationship last 15 years, he explains, when the Non has weak personal boundaries, being codependent. In that case, the Non never does leave. Instead, the BPD leaves him because each year she grows increasingly resentful that he did not fix her or make her happy. Moreover, as her body ages, she becomes increasingly fearful of abandonment.

I mention this to you because, by that standard, you are the epitome of emotional health -- having gotten out of the relationship after only 7 months. My hat is off to you! It took me 15 years to get out and I only did it then -- as the therapist predicted -- because my ex left me. Where were you when I needed you 18 years ago? Had you been there, MovingOn, I could have sat at your feet and learned from the moving-on Master. Yes, your name tells it all.

MovingOn77,

your situation almost sounds like mine. my ex-bf and i instantly clicked when we met. he's american and i am asian. i ignored all the red flags in the early part of our relationship because i thought he still had not adjusted himself living here. i only realized that all of this could be part of what he really is.

i first suspected him to have ADD after i told my friend about my story and she mentioned a similar experience of her sister with someone who also has ADD. my ex-bf told me that his sister had ADD and i thought it's possible that he has this too.

those red flags become more evident when i ask him of our plans to step up our relationship. during the 6 months of our relationship, he would always call me mrs. <his last name>, talking about plans of marrying me before he leaves the country so i could be with him, him living with him back in his hometown, etc. i told him to not tell me about those things if he does not mean it, as i thought he's moving too fast. also, during that time, he slowly began showing up at my place everyday. it was good at first until it faced me some hardship. he complains about the stuffs i have in my house, wanting me to buy things that could improve it. my job pays enough for me and i really need to save up money since the rent and bills are really costly here. i politely asked him to share for his expenses and he would jokingly tell me that i am a gold-digger. we would always have little arguments too like instructions and food. he's a bit picky when it comes to food. we would always argue about what food to eat when we're dining out as he could not decide where to eat. if i decide where to go, he would throw tantrums and be grumpy at me. he would apologize though and tell me that it is not me, but it's him. about instructions, i feel like he's always hesitant to go to an unfamiliar place to meet me. i told him it's pretty easy since he could call me and i would give him the instructions. we fought for 30 minutes over the phone one time. i was supposed to meet him by a specific exit at a train station. i described to him where to go and what i can see from my spot. he cannot understand my instructions so i told him to describe what he's seeing instead.

then i faced a hardship on my job 2 years ago. he left me in the midst of depression. i noticed that everytime i seek for his company to listen to my problems, he would avoid going to my place. he then told me that he felt smothered due to my "clinginess." i told him that he's the one who showed up to my place all the time and i cannot choose the day when he could come. it's always at his own convenience. i then politely asked for him to come only during weekends as i cannot afford him being here all the time. he got mad but then he still had not lend me an ear when i needed it the most. though i've been always by his side whenever he feels lonely about his parents' death.

after a while, i went home to my country to have a brief vacation. i think i triggered his abandonment issues. he ignored me on the day that i left but then he began sending me email messages after a day. i received 3 emails in a span of a day. however, during this time, i found out he signed up for a dating site. when i confronted him about it, he said that he would only wanna know if girls still think he is hot. he has insecurity problems about his weight and looks. he would always ask me if he looks slimmer or handsome. i always encourage him but it always feels like no matter how constructive my comment is, he would take it negatively.

when i got back, it became worse. he blamed it on me because he said i was forcing him to get married. honestly, it might become a bit of a nag for him but i told him that i only wanna know if he has plans about it...because ever since the talk that he's going to find out how to get married here, he never mentioned about it anymore. the last thing he mentioned to me was his friend told him to lock himself up in the room before he leaves and never call me.

i broke up with him after getting back with him last holiday. i feel like he would never change and would never accept his faults fully. he apologizes but then it does not seem sincere as he would still blame me. i told him i know i have my faults but this is due to his attitude towards me. i have not seen him for almost a week now. he sent me an email yesterday and today saying he misses me. i feel the same way as you feel, i think the person i fell in love with isn't the real him. i tried telling him before that i could support him, whatever he goes through, but he pushes me away. now he's expecting me to fix everything for him but refuses to change or even compromise. i told him i am not his babysitter and i need to heal on my own because he torn me up so bad.

foreverblue wrote:I'm going to share my experience in another thread and i hope you read it so you can decide if you really want to win this person back.

Forever, welcome to the BPD forum. Finally, you deliver on the story you promised two weeks ago! This quote is what you wrote to Johnswifey on 12/23, saying you would write about your experience so she could see what is in store for anyone who keeps returning to a toxic relationship. Since then, I have been keeping an eye out for your story.

Well, you finally delivered and did so big time. What an interesting story! Yes, that sure sounds like a BPD-type relationship, with you playing the role of the codependent partner -- a role so well known to me because I did for 15 years. Because your exBF was unwilling to work on this BPD traits, you should be very proud of yourself for having the courage and emotional health to terminate the relationship after only 6 months.

Essentially, you enjoyed the wonderful passionate honeymoon period, spent a few months trying to mend things, and then (after he gave you zero support during a hard job situation and gave you grief for leaving town on vacation) you bailed. Damn, you did well. Very well!

Thanks so much for sharing your experience with us. It is so instructive as to what happens when you keep doing the same thing over and over, expecting a change to occur in your BPD mate -- change that never happens, except that it only gets worse. Your story therefore should be helpful not only to Johnswifey but also other newbie-Nons who are torn between staying and leaving the relationship.

DowntownDC wrote:

foreverblue wrote:I'm going to share my experience in another thread and i hope you read it so you can decide if you really want to win this person back.

Forever, welcome to the BPD forum. Finally, you deliver on the story you promised two weeks ago! This quote is what you wrote to Johnswifey on 12/23, saying you would write about your experience so she could see what is in store for anyone who keeps returning to a toxic relationship. Since then, I have been keeping an eye out for your story.

Well, you finally delivered and did so big time. What an interesting story! Yes, that sure sounds like a BPD-type relationship, with you playing the role of the codependent partner -- a role so well known to me because I did for 15 years. Because your exBF was unwilling to work on this BPD traits, you should be very proud of yourself for having the courage and emotional health to terminate the relationship after only 6 months.

Essentially, you enjoyed the wonderful passionate honeymoon period, spent a few months trying to mend things, and then (after he gave you zero support during a hard job situation and gave you grief for leaving town on vacation) you bailed. Damn, you did well. Very well!

Thanks so much for sharing your experience with us. It is so instructive as to what happens when you keep doing the same thing over and over, expecting a change to occur in your BPD mate -- change that never happens, except that it only gets worse. Your story therefore should be helpful not only to Johnswifey but also other newbie-Nons who are torn between staying and leaving the relationship.

hi dowtown, thanks for the welcome but i am sorry to disappoint you, our relationship actually lasted for almost 2 years. our honeymoon phase lasted longer, with some little annoyances regarding his being picky and some other issues.

i stayed because during our honeymoon, i thought i found my soulmate. we both grew up in the same generation and we both enjoy listening to the same type of music, watching same type of movies and we both love playing video games. he seemed to be a loyal person plus i thought we are on equal footing, career-wise unlike my past boyfriends, that's why i did not suspect there could be possibly wrong in this relationship.

i noticed that he always compares me to his mother or whatever his mother told him about the girl that could make him happy. he grew up spoiled, as he was sort of an only child (sort of because he has a half-sister by his mom). by his stories, it seemed like his mom isolated him so much that he didn't experience growing up on his own. i won't go anymore into details because i really find it sick now.

just to add, before i broke up with him i talked to his sister because she's asking what gift to give to his brother. i mentioned that she's diagnosed with ADD. along the conversation, i mentioned my concern about his brother's depression (he got depressed one time because he was missing his parents). all throughout the conversation, i was being polite but i felt her tone was condescending. after our chat, i received an email from my ex-bf asking what i told her sister because she's crying. i told him to ask his sister because i didn't want to say something that she might twist in the end. then she sent me an email asking what i told her brother and accusing me that i messed them up! i forwarded the email to my ex-bf and told him to talk to her instead. i did not talk to her anymore after that. actually, my ex-bf has repressed anger towards his sister and her husband. when his mom died, he lived with them because he cannot handle being alone. according to his stories, her husband always criticizes him. he joined the navy to start a new life and prove that he can be independent. a couple of months ago, my ex-bf confessed to me the reason why he hated his sister so much. his sister sold his car and his mom's house after she died. apparently, he gave her general power of attorney to settle everything. according to him, she cried and said she didn't want him to carry the burden so she would just take care of everything. the property has been sold a year ago and until now he has not received his share. now he's torment between believing that his sister might have duped him or she could really be telling the truth. also, he's always dependent on her like when it comes to processing papers, or getting stuff done. he cannot go back home for vacation in the US because he does not have a passport. until now his sister has not given him the birth certificate he requested

anyway, i think i have a good sense of control once i decide to leave a relationship. however, i would like to know how could i break this pattern and how to find an emotionally available guy. i actually don't let myself so "used" that much because i have experienced this too with my last boyfriend. that's why i was upfront with this guy if he could pay half of the bills when he stopped by my place. i also told him that i want a guy who can sustain his job. i think i triggered his insecurity and i really didn't mean to say that in a demeaning way...to tell you, guys are usually intimidated by me because i work as an IT engineer and they always assume my job is glamorous. i used to be a people-pleaser, but i found out that true happiness can not be validated by other people's acceptance. could you please share what you did to yourself to overcome these patterns? maybe you could share a link of another thread perhaps.