splitting, lack of constancy and relationships

this is the problem:

i never remember why i fell for someone, or any of their good points once the friendhsip/relationship has gone sour. i just split them black and forget about them.

what's the problem you ask? after going through a series of failed friendships and relationships, i'm a little tired of my inability to truly love and hold on to people.

if i dont see someone for awhile-- that can even be a few weeks, it's like we never had anything. 2 months feels like 6 months, i cant remember the closeness or the connection.

i just dont care.

this makes me into an incredibly selfish person and very high maintenance. it means that to be my friend or boyfriend i need constant and consistent attention, daily emails/msgs remidning me and reassuring me of your caring.

so it becomes all about me, which isnt really attractive to people, they eventually come to the conclusion, ironically, that i dont care. which is all true.

its about whether my needs are being met or not.

like right now, i've discarded the npd, and frankly, i cant reemember whatever drew me to him the first place. that makes it easier to move on, obviously, but it's also a little bit disturbing though, to feel that they never mattered and i cant for the life of me remember why or how or anything.

its all gone...allt he pages to the book gone.

Do you do this with everybody or just romantic attachments?

Splitting and lack of object constancy are one of the BPD criteria that made/make me wonder about my diagnosis.

I don't do this in romantic attachments - I wish I did in many ways because I am the polar opposite - I attach completely.

However, I do split and detach from friends/family/colleagues all the time - I have not spoken to my brothers and sister for a couple of years and before that it was 7 years of silence on my part. I have no long-term friends, except for a few ex's ... and I don't ever pine or really think about the people who I have managed to screw over or around ... I mean, I feel guilty about it - but I know that I didn't 'mean' to do the things I have done so, I don't think about it ... and if anyone becomes difficult or otherwise triggers me, I cut them off and leave.

I don't know why it's not the same with romantic partners ... it did happen eventually with my long-term partner but, since then I have only had 6 month or 12 month r/s's - maybe that is the reason ... I am not sure.

I am looking forward to hearing what other people have to say because this is a criteria I struggle with understanding both in concept and application (IS that what I do? WHY do I only do it some of the time?).

I also thought I didn't/don't rage - but actually, I rage inwardly ... I think if I let it out it would be like a detonation going off taking out 20 square miles of the city.

Dichotomous thinking is a staple of borderline behaviour. It definitely makes sustaining a relationship very difficult, and is a big reason why we have to practice radical acceptance.

I totally relate to how you feel, but I don't paint people black so easily, but once I do, they are out for good. My problem is I've done this to people who are not really bad people, but I can no longer see them as I once did.

I can also relate to needing constant attention and validation. I am extremely high maintenance, and I can understand how exhausting that must be for someone who cares about me. That is definitely a borderline thing, as such you will need to be able to compromise with a partner on this one. You must find ways to self-validate to help lessen your requirement from a romantic partner.

I don't believe that the pages of the book are gone. You've just buried them very very deep. And in a sense that is ok, letting go of the past is important. But if you want a chance of longevity with future endeavors, you can't paint them black or white. Few are truly as good or as bad as we perceive them to be.

I can completely relate to this. I have a really hard time keeping in touch with friends and don't have any close long-term friendships. My family also is really bitter about how little I contact them and constantly accuse me of only reaching out to them when I need something. I definitely fall into the "out of sight, out of mind" mindset. If someone isn't right in front of me, I almost never think about them. It makes it really hard because over the past few years, I've been living in a new place every year.

But at the same time I'm like Willow. When a romantic relationship ends I can't stop thinking about them and I can feel the loss of the attachment weighing on my constant. I mourn relationships and idealize the man and feel like I'm never going to find someone like them and that I will therefore forever be sad.

However, I'm a relationship hopper so once I find a new person, the last relationship fades into oblivion. Most of my ex's I want nothing to do with. Last week In a moment of weakness, I decided to call up my ex before the most recent one who I hadn't talked to in maybe 6 months. We used to talk for hours every day and I was convinced he was my first real love and I thought about being a family with him and his kids. When I talked to him, I couldn't wait to get off of the phone. He seemed boring and stupid and it was so annoying. Most shocking, I felt nothing hearing his voice. This was something like 8 months after professing my love and then bawling my eyes out after he broke up with me. An ex from a year or two ago has been texting me and I don't even give a $#%^ enough to respond. This was a man for whom I drove an hour to stand outside of his apartment when he wouldn't respond to my texts. Now I feel nothing.

It makes me afraid that I don't actually have the capacity to love anyone, only how they can make me feel and the comfort they can give me. I definitely have treated my past relationships like I didn't love them. I tore down their self-esteem, said really awful things about them to them, and treated them like they were users/assholes. One of my ex's said to me before I left "why would I have any affection toward you at all? You've told me multiple times that you find me unattractive and think I'm an awful person who doesn't deserve your love." Whenever I feel like someone isn't giving me the affection or attention I need, I lash out and say everything I can think of that will hit below the belt. I'm selfish, but I think with BPD it's because I have to be in order to survive. This is why I'm not dating anyone until I've made significant progress in therapy. I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't want to be an abuser just because I was abused.

I have had quite similar experiences and I find it fascinating reading these posts that there actually are other people who are going through the same thing. Until now Ive always believed I was alone.

I too can behave in two completely opposite ends of the spectrum. I can easily engage in meaningless sexual relationships and forget about them the next minute. But if I really fall for someone, I completely obsess about them. I want them to text/talk to me all the time, I want them to show their affection and appreciation. When they do, they are 'good'. If they fail to do so, or if they disappoint me by not fulfilling the ideal scenario in my mind or meet my expectation, they instantly fall into the 'bad' category and I fall out with them, usually while simultaneously falling into a deep depression, surge of self-loathing and engaging in some sort of substance abuse, usually alcohol.

I really wish I could see the middle ground but it is as if I just am not able to see the middle part of the spectrum. It is always black or white, all or nothing. Has been all my life and I have never understood it. I still have no idea how to change it, but I have lived all my life with this so I kind of accepted it as a part of me now.

AD

I to have lived all over the place for the past couple of years.

Start fresh, start new, get bored/###$ up .. rinse and repeat.

I have, in the past had some volatile RS's that ended up in verbal abuse on both sides but as a rule, I idealise and want desperately for them just to love me and not leave- my latest was/is the worst I have gone through with this as we had not even had and argument and his dumping came out of nowhere - my abandonment was/is beyond triggered .. I am a walking wound. I am working hard on splitting this guy as he has managed to look deep into me and decided I was not worth his time - almost 8 years of avoiding/being single went down the drain and I am right back where I was, only with a shiny new scar and being stuck in a new state/city to show for it ...

I to want them for how they make me feel .. but at the same time .. I want to make them feel good - I need them to need me and I need the adoration of their need.

Love/lust/desire is such a complicated thing and for me anyhow, it is where the very core of my BPD lies - it becomes Dionysian in sexual relationships.

i know that he was covertly abusive- cheating lying withholding gaslighting.

but i was overtly emotionally abusive as a revenge tactic.

i dont even know whats worse. was it really him who triggered me into these states? i think a better person would have handled the situation better-- him or me.

Willow Rosenberg wrote:AD

I to have lived all over the place for the past couple of years.

Start fresh, start new, get bored/###$ up .. rinse and repeat.

I have, in the past had some volatile RS's that ended up in verbal abuse on both sides but as a rule, I idealise and want desperately for them just to love me and not leave- my latest was/is the worst I have gone through with this as we had not even had and argument and his dumping came out of nowhere - my abandonment was/is beyond triggered .. I am a walking wound. I am working hard on splitting this guy as he has managed to look deep into me and decided I was not worth his time - almost 8 years of avoiding/being single went down the drain and I am right back where I was, only with a shiny new scar and being stuck in a new state/city to show for it ...

I to want them for how they make me feel .. but at the same time .. I want to make them feel good - I need them to need me and I need the adoration of their need.

Love/lust/desire is such a complicated thing and for me anyhow, it is where the very core of my BPD lies - it becomes Dionysian in sexual relationships.

I feel for you so much, Willow. I had a friend tell me the story about a friend of hers that got dumped out of nowhere by a fiance she had dated for 4 years and he just disappeared. My friend was like "it really sucked for her". My reaction was "I would die...probably actually die". And I also understand the thought that he saw deep into you and rejected you. My latest knew everything about me- my past, my illness, my fears- and had seen me have panic attacks and watched me cry so hard I had trouble breathing. He saw all of my flaws and decided that he couldn't handle them. Given, they came along with lashing out and constant trust issues that really did make the relationship intolerable for him, but it's difficult to have someone tell you "you're too f-ed up for me to date or for anyone to date really". It sucks to feel like someone knows you and then they reject you, especially when you have issues. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

And actually again I'm the same way. Except while I try so hard to make the other person happy, I can't help but have the freakouts and the issues with lashing out. My emotions just take over and I go from 0 to 60 in a second. But in bed I'm the biggest people pleaser. It's pretty much my way of trying to keep relationships. I date men who I think are less attractive than I am and find exactly what they like in bed and give them everything. I think it will make them stay. I think that's part of the BPD people pleasing nature. You try to give them everything and make them happy because it feels so good to please someone, especially if you had a parent that you could never impress or never acknowledged your successes. It's also protection so they never leave you. But at least with me they always do. Because dealing with my #######4 is never worth it.

Sorry if I just placed my experiences too much onto yours. Perhaps it's just me.

biancayagger wrote:i never remember why i fell for someone, or any of their good points once the friendhsip/relationship has gone sour. i just split them black and forget about them.

biancayagger wrote:this makes me into an incredibly selfish person and very high maintenance. it means that to be my friend or boyfriend i need constant and consistent attention, daily emails/msgs remidning me and reassuring me of your caring.

It's the same for me. When I'm really attached to someone, I need constant reassurance that they are still there. If too much time elapses its the same thoughts "why don't they care about me? They must hate me, I will hate them first". etc etc. So when I care, it's obsessive and I definitely lack object constancy. That's been there in a sorts of relationships too, romantic, friends etc.

But at some point, I always lose interest. It can take years, but eventually I just don't care about them in the same way, which means I don't care about them at all really. They go to the dark side and never move back.

BleedingHart wrote:I totally relate to how you feel, but I don't paint people black so easily, but once I do, they are out for good. My problem is I've done this to people who are not really bad people, but I can no longer see them as I once did.

Exactly like that. I can no longer see what it is I thought was so great. They can almost seem like a total stranger where I can't feel any connection and it's like all the positive memories from the past are just gone. I'm struggling now trying to repair my marriage because it's exactly like this. My therapist says I have to work on letting go of the past, but when time has changed things to a point where you no longer see them as the same person, letting go of the past doesn't really help to overcome it.

AmorousDestruction wrote:

Willow Rosenberg wrote:AD

I to have lived all over the place for the past couple of years.

Start fresh, start new, get bored/###$ up .. rinse and repeat.

I have, in the past had some volatile RS's that ended up in verbal abuse on both sides but as a rule, I idealise and want desperately for them just to love me and not leave- my latest was/is the worst I have gone through with this as we had not even had and argument and his dumping came out of nowhere - my abandonment was/is beyond triggered .. I am a walking wound. I am working hard on splitting this guy as he has managed to look deep into me and decided I was not worth his time - almost 8 years of avoiding/being single went down the drain and I am right back where I was, only with a shiny new scar and being stuck in a new state/city to show for it ...

I to want them for how they make me feel .. but at the same time .. I want to make them feel good - I need them to need me and I need the adoration of their need.

Love/lust/desire is such a complicated thing and for me anyhow, it is where the very core of my BPD lies - it becomes Dionysian in sexual relationships.

I feel for you so much, Willow. I had a friend tell me the story about a friend of hers that got dumped out of nowhere by a fiance she had dated for 4 years and he just disappeared. My friend was like "it really sucked for her". My reaction was "I would die...probably actually die". And I also understand the thought that he saw deep into you and rejected you. My latest knew everything about me- my past, my illness, my fears- and had seen me have panic attacks and watched me cry so hard I had trouble breathing. He saw all of my flaws and decided that he couldn't handle them. Given, they came along with lashing out and constant trust issues that really did make the relationship intolerable for him, but it's difficult to have someone tell you "you're too f-ed up for me to date or for anyone to date really". It sucks to feel like someone knows you and then they reject you, especially when you have issues. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

And actually again I'm the same way. Except while I try so hard to make the other person happy, I can't help but have the freakouts and the issues with lashing out. My emotions just take over and I go from 0 to 60 in a second. But in bed I'm the biggest people pleaser. It's pretty much my way of trying to keep relationships. I date men who I think are less attractive than I am and find exactly what they like in bed and give them everything. I think it will make them stay. I think that's part of the BPD people pleasing nature. You try to give them everything and make them happy because it feels so good to please someone, especially if you had a parent that you could never impress or never acknowledged your successes. It's also protection so they never leave you. But at least with me they always do. Because dealing with my #######4 is never worth it.

Sorry if I just placed my experiences too much onto yours. Perhaps it's just me.

You haven't placed you experiences onto mine - I think we just share some tendencies ... understandable really

A people pleaser in bed? .. Oh yes. Which is what made the dumping from my ex all the more traumatic as he went from worshipping me sexually to not wanting me at all - pretty much overnight .. he did this to the woman before me as well .. it's an issue for him but it didn't stop it from completely freaking me out. Yes, dying indeed when the main thing that you measure your self-worth by is rejected.

I hide my $#%^ from lovers - always have but ... it manifests as withdrawal which I not only don't realise I do but I don't recognise it when it happens .. I just disappear/go silent ...

We really are ###$ huh?