Believing my lies are actual reality

I've searched around online and I can't find anything that sounds like its what I have.
There are things in my life where I've made up a lie, and I begin to believe that lie is actual reality and that's what actually happened. Sometimes I know deep down that's not the truth but i still believe that lie i made up is true. I don't mean to lie, nor do I want to lie, I think it happens when I'm struggling with something and don't want to accept reality, so i make my own reality with the lie as sort of a defense mechanism. And then I have memories of my lies as if they really happened, and actual reality doesn't have a memory anymore.
I'm not a compulsive liar, or a pathological liar. I don't lie all the time or about everything, and I don't make up crazy stories. Only the things I am having a hard time dealing with, and I can't accept that. So my brain creates this other made up reality.

For example: Years ago I was scared to have sexual relations with anyone. It wasn't my nervousness and it wasn't because i wasn't ready. I was just legitimately scared and I felt like it stemmed from something in my past. Like something bad happened to me and thats what my gut felt. Well not liking that I felt like this for no reason, I kind of made up that I had been raped and forced to do something. However I have no clue if it actually happened because I made that my reality... but deep down i know it started with a lie, because i felt really scared. Now I legit believe this happened and I am like this in every single relationship I have, and it holds me back being scared to do anything and telling people its because something bad happened to me before so they won't push anything on me. I didn't mean to make up this lie, I just didn't want to accept that i was scared for no reason.So it was a defense mechanism.

There are things in my life where I've made up a lie, and I begin to believe that lie is actual reality and that's what actually happened. Sometimes I know deep down that's not the truth but i still believe that lie i made up is true. I don't mean to lie, nor do I want to lie, I think it happens when I'm struggling with something and don't want to accept reality, so i make my own reality with the lie as sort of a defense mechanism.

yes ive noticed people doing that.

Lying is a defence mechanism. In school I lied when i was caught copying. the question that i ask myself is 'so what?'

so what if the lie is true or the other way around? if i live an honest life, where i tell the entire world all my challenges and the bad stuff i've done and the horrible thoughts i've had so what? what will i get if i tell the world that the lies are lies and other way around.

though i have realized that lying isnt a nice habit. try to let go of the lies that you've said.

Jordan, I have BPD and I've never experienced anything like your issue, nor have I encountered a BPD who has admitted to anything like it. Just an FYI.

jaus tail wrote:Lying is a defence mechanism. In school I lied when i was caught copying. the question that i ask myself is 'so what?'

so what if the lie is true or the other way around? if i live an honest life, where i tell the entire world all my challenges and the bad stuff i've done and the horrible thoughts i've had so what? what will i get if i tell the world that the lies are lies and other way around.

You justify lying with "so what?" That's pretty much criminal behavior if you ask me. You're in the wrong forum. You should be in the ASPD forum if you live your life that way.

My intention was to make the forumite realize that one must'nt crucify oneself. Let go of the lies you've said.

I have said "though i have realized that lying isnt a nice habit"

most bpds confess their lies and apologize repeatedly, with tears hoping it to undo the act/lie. but it doesnt and here is why is say, so what. you cant change the past, crying and begging for apology wont help. The DBT group says and i believe

'Dont apologize for being alive.'

so what if you've made a mistake, learn from it and improvise. it's my mistake that i didnt add the latter part in my first response.

I have bpd and i know how much the guilt kills the individual.

i used to lie because of fear of the other person and wanted attention from the other fellow.

What i wanted to say is 'Let go off the previous lies and dont repeat those mistakes.'

jaus tail wrote:My intention was to make the forumite realize that one must'nt crucify oneself. Let go of the lies you've said.

I have said "though i have realized that lying isnt a nice habit"

most bpds confess their lies and apologize repeatedly, with tears hoping it to undo the act/lie. but it doesnt and here is why is say, so what. you cant change the past, crying and begging for apology wont help. The DBT group says and i believe

'Dont apologize for being alive.'

so what if you've made a mistake, learn from it and improvise. it's my mistake that i didnt add the latter part in my first response.

I have bpd and i know how much the guilt kills the individual.

i used to lie because of fear of the other person and wanted attention from the other fellow.

What i wanted to say is 'Let go off the previous lies and dont repeat those mistakes.'

Fair enough. You explained yourself much better that time. I appreciate your clarification.

I don't know for sure that I have BPD, my last psych only alluded to it. But I do this. I lie to myself. Quite a lot, I feel. Though it's always to diminish the bad things that have happened. I change details in my mind to make it more digestible. And sometimes I believe myself. I want to believe myself, so the parts I don't like didn't really happen.

It's my way of pushing things away. I tell myself, "it didn't really happen", or, "it didn't happen to me". It was a story. A movie. A book. These things weren't real.

...and then I forget. And truly, I won't recall these memories or details.

Me too. I tell lies to others that with time become part of me 'till I don't know the truth anymore. Deep down, if I concentrate, I can tell, but the instinct recall the lie alone, even if it influences my feelings and behaviour.

Yes, oh my god, I get this completely. FORGETTING REALITY--- it's one of my biggest fears and probably the most terrifying thing about BPD. Not only do I invent lies or edit stories, and then forget that it didn't ACTUALLY happen that way-- but in the midst of a dissociative panic attack, I can also CONFUSE OR FORGET MY IDENTITY, MEMORIES, OR PAST WITH FAKES ONES. It is horribly scary. I can also convince myself that a loved one has died, or get so lost in a daydream, that I think it's real for a few minutes and freak out. Shudder. This post probably needs a trigger warning...

kavajava wrote:Yes, oh my god, I get this completely. FORGETTING REALITY--- it's one of my biggest fears and probably the most terrifying thing about BPD. Not only do I invent lies or edit stories, and then forget that it didn't ACTUALLY happen that way-- but in the midst of a dissociative panic attack, I can also CONFUSE OR FORGET MY IDENTITY, MEMORIES, OR PAST WITH FAKES ONES. It is horribly scary. I can also convince myself that a loved one has died, or get so lost in a daydream, that I think it's real for a few minutes and freak out. Shudder. This post probably needs a trigger warning...

I sometimes believe I've killed someone. None particularly, I just know I have a homicide on my conscience. And I dare to believe that's not true.