Using Facebook/read receipts to get acknowledgement

Hi all,

I'm new here. I feel that I need constant acknowledgement - does anyone else hate it when people don't respond to you? I just want people (mainly the wife actually!) to at least say "I'm listening". Technology makes it harder - on Facebook, when you send a direct message, you can see when someone has read it.

My wife says that she "needs her space" so on the iPhone iMessage, she s turned off "read receipts". This means that I now don't know whether she has read my message or not. I feel sad she doesn't understand how it makes me feel. In the past, I would have gotten so angry but now, I shut down and feel depressed. Do you think it is fair she did this - especially since she only did it last week when she found out I might have BPD. I respect her need for privacy, but I just want to feel acknowledged at least. For me, it's just basic conversational respect.

I just wish I felt supported by her.

Does anyone else have thoughts on needing acknowledgement in this digital age?

I would say that I am totally biased, because I *need* attention and get horribly upset when I feel ignored. However, I also would say that your wife is not being very understanding. Especially if I read your other thread correctly - you are currently in two different places, right? That changes things a lot. It helps with the timezone differences to know she has read your messages, and I imagine you are quite lonely now anyway.

Perhaps, when you can, get her to visit a psychiatrist with you or ask him/her about what should be done. It isn't fair for you to demand too much attention out of her, although I DEFINITELY understand the desire to, nor is it fair for her to shut you out when you need her the most.

Good luck. I wish I could do more for you!

Hey Welcome to forums.

I really want to reply to you because I completely understand this situation and have been in it many times. have been on Facebook at silly o clock in the morning waiting for replies and am only just really starting to make sense of it. When I talk frankly it sometimes comes across as attacking, so please remember I mean this constructive and friendly

While you would hope your wife would be understanding, I am finding that this situation you find yourself in is the reality of life. On the forums we can put trigger warnings left right and centre. In life, you don't get the trigger warnings.

While I could say your wife is being insensitive and hurtful, the truth is she likely does this because she has her own insecurities and feelings. A lot of people are worried about privacy online, and as far as I know there is no option for her just to enable the reciepts for you, so this probably isn't about you at all. As well as being your wife she is her own person with her own worries, fears and little quirks. And while I completley understand your reaction and react in exactly the same way myself, as an outsider, this is something I think maybe you have to accept and deal with, because it is quite a small thing (even though the feelings it gives you are big things and you need help to deal with these, see next paragraph). If she gave in and did it the way you want it so as not to offend you, then she isn't really being herself and we can't control other people, even those closest to us, in fact especially those people. It is fine for you to tell her this bothers you and come to a compromise (perhaps ask if she could send you message when she reads them for the moment while you learn to cope with it?), but be careful not to try to manipulate her to giving into you as this tends not to work out well.

The key is to find your own securities and your own peace of mind. Other people in my experience can't do this for you. If she backed down on this, there would be something later down the line that upset you, and later and later, and at some point she is going to do something that she isn't willing to budge on. She will eventually question whether always putting her own needs secondly is the right thing for her and so in my view you need to accept her stance on this. However to do that you need support, both from her (in other ways of reassurance/validation) and perhaps from doctors/meds/therapist etc.

I hope that came across in the way I meant it. Good luck

I have a supportive husband but often wonder why he reads and doesn't reply. Of I see that my message has been read it bothers me when he or others don't say anything back. Sometimes I wonder if not knowing that they have read it is better than knowing.

Hockeywife wrote:. Sometimes I wonder if not knowing that they have read it is better than knowing.

Hi hockey wife! Thanks for your post. I'd just highlight that for me, it definitely makes it worse. If you don't know that something is delivered, it just makes you feel that it probably HAS been even though it might not have arrived yet. Eg take the analogy with the postal system and "signed for" delivery.

does anyone else hate it when people don't respond to you?

Yes. I really hate this. I think its a form of rejection anxiety. I suffer from this particularly badly in the context of romantic relationships but also in normal friendships too.

It makes me go a little bit bat-sh*t crazy. I feel really anxious if I send a text or an email and I don't hear back from a bf. To the point where, sometimes, if my anxiety is really bad I will send a second text/email a couple of days later (usually as long as I can hold out) addressing the lack of response - which can range from a calm "why haven't you replied" to the rude "manners cost nothing" etc.

I've only just recently realised how I feel about this is abnormal. For a long time, I assumed everyone thought not replying was incredibly rude behaviour.

I have an on/off relationship with a narcissist - who of course rarely replies except when it suits him. So go through this violent anxiety periodically. I get this really sort of anxious feeling, slightly panicky and nervous, that this is all over, he hates me and never will contact me again. (Obviously with a narcissist, this is not an unrealistic fear!).

I don't use read receipts for emails/contact in a romantic relationship though. It's a bit too "work" related and I think it would make it worse if I knew they read it but couldn't be bothered to reply. (Self analysing what I just wrote: "couldn't be bothered to reply" is very much how I see it always; it's never "too busy"/"having a crisis"/"didn't need a reply". It is always about some personal rejection or negavity towards me)

I think the only solution in a romantic relationship is never to initiate contact and wait for them to get in touch with you.

With your wife, I would talk to her about this when you are in a calm mood. Explain to her that you know this is your issue but that when she doesn't reply it makes you feel [xyz] and that it would mean a lot to you if she could always reply. It's a very little and simple request and if she cares about you, she should respond positively.

Another tip, which doesn't always work obviously but is better than nothing, is to ensure that every communication you want a response to includes a question that needs answer. This is particularly helpful with men who are more likely to reply to a question email/text.

I'd welcome any advice from anyone about managing this problem.

This is something that I actually never realized as a part of BPD (or the like). I've felt this way since my very first phone. And actually the stress would go both ways, I'd worry about ALL the different ways something I said could be taken, I would DREAD the space in between (and the longer it gets the more outrageous my reactions get) then if the 'correct' response comes I feel like I've been cured of some disease and I am all smiles.

I have a question, has anyone found a good way to let someone you are in a relationship or interesting in starting what with EXACTLY how much attention you really need? I have so much trouble with this and end up completely ignoring it then flipping out (lose girl), the girl understands and tries but doesn't seem to comprehend the chronic nature of my problem and gets overwhelmed (lose girl), or she understands, studies up and really tries... which hasn't happened yet as far as I know.

Hi all,

I want to reply to all your posts individually sometime... But I only have an iPad and its not great for typing. There's so much I want to say and so few words in the world that seem able to describe my anxious feelings right now. But I want to say thank you to you all. I feel so uselessly and stupidly needy right now - I wish I could change it instantly. I want to do that for myself but also for my wife who I think has just had enough of me (understandably ).

But this neediness just doesn't go away and I struggle to explain that. I genuinely feel that I can't control it... I don't want to declare that though because I sometimes feel I might be using BPD as an excuse to just *be* needy.

But back to my original point, I want to say that your posts are really helping me. Thank you for making me feel welcome... Every time I read these posts, I feel that the world is a warmer place. Thank you...

Something that's really dated but offers some real good lessons if you're at all into history is Seneca. I think a lot of the neediness is manageable if you're able to be content by yourself. Stoicism, bro

And yes it's bugging me that no one has replied to my request for advice as how to manage "non-reply" anxiety/anger/insanity!!