My whole life feels so shattered and small

So yet again, I managed to piss my boyfriend off. I really don't want to talk about what happened...it hurts too much to think about. I'm shaking and crying...he said he was leaving for the rest of tonight and that I wouldn't hear from him tomorrow. The way he was talking, I'm scared he just isn't going to come back for good. He's the love of my life, and without him my whole existence is just nothingness. Without him, I see no point in being alive. I know it sounds like something everyone with BPD would say, but it isn't because of anything life that. It's because he's the best person I will ever meet, and to live without my other half would be pointless.

I'm just so scared

Hey, take a few deep breaths over there. Let those tears out and just take a few deep breaths. Don't worry too much, the worst is probably over. He'll be gone for a day, maybe not even, and then you guys will talk. Couples have arguments. They happen and then they pass. and whatever it was about probably isn't as harsh as you think. You can only truly have *those* arguments with someone you care about and vice versa, and I'm positive he does know how much you mean to him and how much he means to you.

Whatever you argued about will likely blow over and things will cool down. Trust in that, and let yourself relax for a day or so. Cooler heads prevail, and for that reason I'm sure everything'll be okay. This too shall pass.

aliveatnight wrote: without him my whole existence is just nothingness.

Such a powerful thought. I feel your pain. One thing I started doing that helped me in relationships was asking myself, "Do I really believe this thought ...or is it just a feeling?"

Do you really believe there is no point in living/that your world will end without your bf? Or do you just feel that way right now, because of the way you are wired?

Like tenbenny said, Im sure everything will be fine. If its meant to be, then its meant to be. I hope you can get some relief from the worry.

Feeling scared is not unhealthy, as long as you keep yourself safe. Be kind to yourself, because we are all doing the best we can, and often this 'best' may not be as we had hoped, but it's very much a journey, and oftentimes we just have to hold on.

Lots of love to you

x

Thank you, all of you. I wrote that in the midst of a full scale panic attack, and it had helped me to calm down slightly. He had texted me a little later and told me that he loves me and that he isn't going to leave. It helped a lot. Even though I spent a large majority of the night alone, we're now talking and completely fine. We talked about last night, and I do believe that it's finally over.

littlearcher wrote:it must feel really scary to think that he might not come back. i can relate to that sense of anxiety, dread, impending doom...if that is what you are feeling.

Yes, this is a very good way to describe it. I know it's only an in-the-moment feeling, but while it's going on everything feels so utterly destroyed and hopeless.

zhow wrote:Do you really believe there is no point in living/that your world will end without your bf? Or do you just feel that way right now, because of the way you are wired?

Sometimes I question this myself, and the same answer I get is: It's not being alone, or moving him. It's him, as a person, that I'm going to miss so much. And I know I could never find someone like him again.

Thank you all. I was really having a rough night, and what you all said really helped.

Alive,

Although the circumstances of my breakup with my ex and your current situation with your boyfriend may be somewhat different I can relate 100% to how you feel right now.

When I raged on him for what was apparently the last time he lost it, said he had finally 'had it' with me. He even blocked me from fb (although I wasn't contacting him on fb or txting etc.) but him saying that I was a 'horrible person' and so on really hurt, like being punched in the gut. The breakup stuck and I haven't heard from him since then, but we are both better off I guess. It's been a month and my obsessive thoughts about him are fading and I feel like I am moving on and not leap frogging to another man like I always have in the past.

There's a good chance your man will come back, maybe contact him and express how badly you feel, how you want to work things out etc. but don't let fear of abandonment drive your decisions, we've all been there and the thought of being alone is very scary indeed but like me if worse comes to worse you will get through it no matter what. Hang in there hon.

aliveatnight wrote:Thank you, all of you. I wrote that in the midst of a full scale panic attack, and it had helped me to calm down slightly. He had texted me a little later and told me that he loves me and that he isn't going to leave. It helped a lot. Even though I spent a large majority of the night alone, we're now talking and completely fine. We talked about last night, and I do believe that it's finally over.

No problem. Trying to be helpful is what it's all about. I'm glad it all got worked out. That's wonderful to hear. I know how much the relationship means to you, and it seems like you're both really good for each other.