Soul mate dangers

doesntfeelbeautiful wrote:I wanted to add two points to this conversation as a BPD sufferer. We are not all totally to blame for the negativity in our relationships. I've found that at least in my experience that I tend to gravitate to others who also have their own unresolved issues. The self esteem problems I have make me stay away from men who I deem emotionally 'healthy' because I don't feel deserving of them, so that makes for unsteady relationships.

Also the fear of being alone sometimes drives us to settle for people who are not right for us just to spare ourselves the lonliness. I would never claim to be blameless for all the awful things I have said to past partners but I have also warned them of my BPD way in advance. It's important to have accountability for the mistakes that you have made in relationships but it's also important to hold others accountable as well.

well said.

Maniacal wrote:Maximus, you cant reflect back and say for sure what "might have been". I hope you can understand that and you've gotten some peace. It sounds like you're handling this better than most.

i guess that's true. maybe i paint the picture way too perfect. i was just quite upset with myself that i did split. it actually took me 4 months to process this, 2 months to then get through it. only now am i coming out of it after binge drinking and smoking for the past 2 weeks. i really don't know whether this time frame is faster than others but i was completely obsessed with a girl before and it took me quite literally about 5 years to get over and finally get some closure. so... maybe i have prior experience and i can handle things better because it is an all too familiar path.

thanks and i have gotten peace out of it. i spoke to someone today and they said to remember the good times and not to focus on the bad times. i was focusing on the bad times, the what could have been and the negative actions that occurred. there were plenty of good times. maybe i want to relive those good times but sadly i have to come to realise that it is quite likely that they will never reoccur.

even now i still sometimes burst into tears for no reason, i just get triggered and it all comes flooding back and im completely overwhelmed... but im getting better. you know i realised that she might not be as emotionally aware as me, yes i have issues, however i know for sure that she has as well. so it took me some time to process it and then confront it. maybe she is unable or unwilling to process it or confront it. i have no control over it. i am quite happy with myself that i was able to confront it as it shows im moving forward and past my intimacy issues.

however i have come to realise that there are many other people out there that can become your possible partners. it's not like im going out there seeking a partner but when it comes to that point i will be more emotionally equipped than before.

i was asked today what my milestone for the year was, and i replied, "getting through the year", because it has been ridiculously tough. maybe one of the hardest years besides the year when i was first diagnosed and i was living in absolute hell for months.

im not one of those optimistic people, i try to be but im really not. i dont want to be a pessimist either but it's what i naturally gravitate to. a balance is what's best for me at the moment. i realised im not like everyone else, i just dont enjoy the things they do and that's ok. i will meet others like me, there wont be many like me out there and that's ok. maybe i will 'get better', 'get healthier', who knows. i have come to accept that people come into my life as fast as they leave. before i used to feel like this is some kind of abandonment but it is just life. it is just how it is.

and so life moves on. it's been a f***ed up year but i've learnt a lot and it can only get better.

my therapist said to concentrate on feeling good about myself, feeling good about who i am, about my identity. maybe this is self-love, once that is in place then everything else falls into place easily.

so i will concentrate on myself because that is all i can control. once the new year ticks over i will put all this behind me, just let it go and concentrate on the new year, what i want to do, what i want to enjoy, what i want to bring into my life.

peace.

i thought i would mention that the girl cut her hair extremely short. she told me before she is bi-sexual and looks like a total lesbian now (not that there is anything wrong with that).

this is her symbolic way of dealing with it, looks like she's going the full lesbian route and that's ok with me. she can do whatever she wants.

she's not willing to talk about it even though i am willing, maybe i am 6 months too late but whatever. it's just how it is.

on another note it is extremely strange that i am on the other side where i am trying to repair the relationship. usually im on the receiving end, my father or my brother or other family members trying to repair the relationship.

it made me realise that if the repairer is trying as hard as they can to repair a relationship but the other side is not willing then there is nothing they can do no matter the amount of effort.

so it made me realise a lot about how others have made the effort but i was not willing to reciprocate so of course the relationship cannot be repaired.

in time maybe i will be more open to it after realising this.

I'd say it depends what's going on. If you're moving from idealization to a stable relationship, you'd need to first understand what idealization really is.

Non-disordered people at the start of a relationship don't know each other very well but have a spark. I guess the experience there is the "butterflies" as people put it, of getting to know the other person, because they feel attracted but also realise they don't know them too well. Given time chemistry turns to actual love.

If you liken the idealization to the same thing a non-disordered person is experiencing and recognise it for what it is, possibly.

Which basically just means

maximus wrote:Anyway to answer your question I would say it's definitely manageable as your mental health condition becomes more manageable.

While I don't have the same relationship issues, the PD issues I do have pretty much destroyed my "life" (not that i wanted it anyway. maybe one day i can build one i do want.) but I do relate to the struggle.

maximus wrote:Then there is the internal debate of the darkness and the light. I am always striving to the light, to get better, to be a 'good' person. However as much as I try I am always pulled back into the dark, maybe this is what I know best, maybe this is where I feel most comfortable. It's ridiculous to think that a few years of therapy can radically change someone who has already lived 20 years, 30 years, 40 years or whatever. MAYBE after a long duration they can finally see some real change. However I would say that a few years of therapy will see a few changes, the crap will still be there. I watched this documentary called "Child of Rage" where this 6 year old girl was sexually abused by her biological father at the age of 1, she was given up for adoption at 1 and a half years of age, over the years the adopted parents noted that she was very damn angry and would physically and sexually abuse her younger brother and was a threat to the adopted parents lives. Anyway she was given intensive therapy since the age of 6 all the way up into her early adulthood and probably until this day (she's probably around 30 or so now). So she's had MASSIVE amounts of therapy to help correct her personality disorders. HOWEVER what about the mass majority who don't get help until their early adulthood or even later. There is a massive amount of years lost due to mental illness.

I relate to some of that - and the end bit i put in bold is true for me too. Its all the more reason to want a full recovery and a fulfilling life, and if recovered maybe the ability to live it like other people don't see life is worth living - same way people recover from life threatening physical illnesses and go on to live fuller lives.

I agree getting the help you need is a massive barrier. In the end we're left struggling to construct our own help and treatment programmes out of what we can pull together, and having to work the mental health system to get what we need because the government would rather spend the money on a new patio heater/toilet seat/etc.

Its easy to say at a moment when not massively low, but I understand not as easy when things take a turn for the worse.

In the case of the girl in child of rage (still haven't read in depth about her therapy etc, should watch/read.) though I hear some of it was pretty controversial. Idk how things are with typical BPD issues, but also as a 30ish adult with PD I've found to really make changes therapy isn't just about coping/changes/management, i've had to rip myself apart from the inside out, and doing that is not just painful but enough to make me seriously ill to the point of "axis 1" ill while its happening.
Without doing that i can imagine i could have had therapy for the rest of my life and just gone round in circles. (ignoring the fact I wouldn't have agreed to it/stuck with it.) What will happen now idk, but I do at least feel like even if i fail I'm going out fighting.

I guess my response is that no the mass majority don't get help. If you want it, fight to not be one of the mass majority in that sense.

I wonder if my currently sickening level of positive thinking will last out over xmas ?

maximus wrote:It is what it is, I'm just ranting for the sake of ranting however I still wanted to point this out as it is valid as a form of debate, particularly with the shooting in America at the moment with all those school kids and the mentally deranged shooter.

I just think the whole debate is stupid because I've heard people debating whether to have tighter gun controls or to post armed guards in schools.

We all have steak knives in our kitchen drawers. If we randomly start stabbing our family members, friends, visitors etc with steak knives, is making everyone carve their dinner with safety scissors or posting an overseer armed with an even bigger steak knife at every dining table suddenly the answer? Would no one stop to ask why the steak knives were getting stuck in people in the first place...

Have any of them actually mentioned proper mental health care yet, if any?

I think the question of depth of connection and agreeing to be a mirror for another person comes down to commitment and trust. Some personalities, like my own, take commitment for granted, assume it has such value that it's offered freely, to sort of get the groundwork done so the fun stuff can happen. Not so for others and a fatal flaw to assume it's there.

I can't imagine how to parse another persons inner path to commitment except by seeing them at times of challenge and observing. It's a core aspect of self that's hard to know until it's "too late".

Had an ironic experience yesterday, told a BPD friend I felt abandoned by them. Response was "get out of my life". Ah, silly me. Healer, heal thyself.

Great post.

I'd also like to chime in with some responses/points/questions:

a. Regarding the OP about the pattern of D/D I too suffer from this. I think at the outset we get highly overwhelmed with chemical/emotional reactivity to a new love interest. When it wears off we instinctively feel like "well they're not the one but I don't want to be alone" and we confuse ourselves between our emotions and our conditioned expectations.

Solution?: start slower, inhibit more, journal, and realize love is a choice not an emotion, the emotion is infatuation...if it dissipates WE NEED TO BE THE ONES TO GET IT BACK! I will pledge to make sure that next time this happens to me as BPD sufferer I will initiate romantic evenings. I will kiss her even when I don't want to...just that touch will incite excitement and intimacy

b. We are not always to blame for the turmoil in our relationships. We are to blame for taking them from a 6 to an 8. We are to blame for not managing our volatile emotions in an uncertain state. We are to blame for expecting that everyone will cater to us, will calm us. We expect our lovers to do the job our parents did really well or should have done but did not. We need to self-soothe/validate. I had an ex who would constantly complain about me not going out to the city till late, or not wearing nice shoes and instead of realizing she has a set of needs that I may be able to accommodate I dug my heels and blamed her for not accepting me or meeting my needs (very childish).

c. Regarding picking those with issues I have mixed-emotions regarding this. Many girls I have dated in the past have had issues or character flaws apparent to the outside world. My close female friend confided in me during one long conversation that she feels I tend to date below me and don't value myself to find my equal. I think part of this is because we as BPD are so fearful of being lonely we frantically try to find someone...anyone... to fill that void and many times get ourselves into less than desirable situations and by the time we realize it the need for closeness overrides our intellectual brain.

We need to start valdiating and valuing ourselves.

We need to be selective in who we date. We need not make someone the object of our affection out of the gates and let them prove themselves to us in deeds/actions not just words. I say that because as recent as 3 months ago a girl told me on a date " you know I really like you a lot, it's only been a few hours into the date but it seems as if you're trying to sell yourself to me to prove yourself you don't have to, you already have." I almost fell off my seat.