doesntfeelbeautiful wrote:I wanted to add two points to this conversation as a BPD sufferer. We are not all totally to blame for the negativity in our relationships. I've found that at least in my experience that I tend to gravitate to others who also have their own unresolved issues. The self esteem problems I have make me stay away from men who I deem emotionally 'healthy' because I don't feel deserving of them, so that makes for unsteady relationships.
Also the fear of being alone sometimes drives us to settle for people who are not right for us just to spare ourselves the lonliness. I would never claim to be blameless for all the awful things I have said to past partners but I have also warned them of my BPD way in advance. It's important to have accountability for the mistakes that you have made in relationships but it's also important to hold others accountable as well.
Maniacal wrote:Maximus, you cant reflect back and say for sure what "might have been". I hope you can understand that and you've gotten some peace. It sounds like you're handling this better than most.
i guess that's true. maybe i paint the picture way too perfect. i was just quite upset with myself that i did split. it actually took me 4 months to process this, 2 months to then get through it. only now am i coming out of it after binge drinking and smoking for the past 2 weeks. i really don't know whether this time frame is faster than others but i was completely obsessed with a girl before and it took me quite literally about 5 years to get over and finally get some closure. so... maybe i have prior experience and i can handle things better because it is an all too familiar path.
thanks and i have gotten peace out of it. i spoke to someone today and they said to remember the good times and not to focus on the bad times. i was focusing on the bad times, the what could have been and the negative actions that occurred. there were plenty of good times. maybe i want to relive those good times but sadly i have to come to realise that it is quite likely that they will never reoccur.
even now i still sometimes burst into tears for no reason, i just get triggered and it all comes flooding back and im completely overwhelmed... but im getting better. you know i realised that she might not be as emotionally aware as me, yes i have issues, however i know for sure that she has as well. so it took me some time to process it and then confront it. maybe she is unable or unwilling to process it or confront it. i have no control over it. i am quite happy with myself that i was able to confront it as it shows im moving forward and past my intimacy issues.
however i have come to realise that there are many other people out there that can become your possible partners. it's not like im going out there seeking a partner but when it comes to that point i will be more emotionally equipped than before.
i was asked today what my milestone for the year was, and i replied, "getting through the year", because it has been ridiculously tough. maybe one of the hardest years besides the year when i was first diagnosed and i was living in absolute hell for months.
im not one of those optimistic people, i try to be but im really not. i dont want to be a pessimist either but it's what i naturally gravitate to. a balance is what's best for me at the moment. i realised im not like everyone else, i just dont enjoy the things they do and that's ok. i will meet others like me, there wont be many like me out there and that's ok. maybe i will 'get better', 'get healthier', who knows. i have come to accept that people come into my life as fast as they leave. before i used to feel like this is some kind of abandonment but it is just life. it is just how it is.
and so life moves on. it's been a f***ed up year but i've learnt a lot and it can only get better.
my therapist said to concentrate on feeling good about myself, feeling good about who i am, about my identity. maybe this is self-love, once that is in place then everything else falls into place easily.
so i will concentrate on myself because that is all i can control. once the new year ticks over i will put all this behind me, just let it go and concentrate on the new year, what i want to do, what i want to enjoy, what i want to bring into my life.