Another failed friendship - what do i do?

Hi! I'm new here. I found this page on Google. I am 31, female and have had depression and anxiety for over 10 years. In January this year I was also diagnosed as BPD. That was one of the best days of my life because I could finally put a name to my condition. I was starting to think I just had a bad personality.


I lost a friend today. Again. Same old, same old. We were getting along great - like bffs. Then seemingly out of the blue 2 weeks ago I get a text from her saying we've been spending too much time together - I agreed with that - and that she felt taken advantage of - I think I took her for granted not took advantage of her. I tried to respect what she said and try and reach a compromise but nothing changed. Today it just blew up in my face. It's not even really the person I am no longer friends with that has upset me - we have had issues for a while. It's the fact that it's yet another failed friendship. And I know it's my fault. But I don't know how to deal with the fallout. I've been okay that past week or so. Not good, but okay. Now this has happened I've gone straight back to tears, guilt and emptiness.

I feel for you cinderelessar. I've been reflecting the past few days on the multitude of failed relationships and I know there will be more down the road.

I've had a number of friendships that just disintegrated over time, mainly due to my purposeful neglect. Friends would call me, I would simply ignore them, I have already split them and it's incredibly hard for me to mend my view on the relationship after I've split. With my remaining few friends, I have nearly split them as well.

Then there is my family, I have decided to cut them out, slowly but surely.

Lastly there are my romantic relationships. My last one I was quite fond of. It still tears me to this day. However I just can't bring myself to repair it. I've already split. I find that once I've split there is no turning back.

I've attempted in the past to repair relationships, the introductory part works out but the continual maintenance fails. Maybe this is because I am still in conflict with my inner self and I cannot really have any real relationships until I further the relationship I have with myself.

I've accepted who I am. In the future when I am better maybe I will be able to maintain friendships and romantic relationships.

However at the moment it is what it is. All you can do is accept it for what it is. Know that you are obviously not able to maintain certain relationships at the moment. Acknowledge it, say that you will work to improve yourself for future relationships and move on.

I really would like to repair my last romantic relationship, she was a ball of fun... but I just can't get past myself, I have already split her, I just can't get past it. I tear up inside and then I feel nothing, absolutely nothing...

I've isolated myself from a lot of things. Some days it gets extremely lonely, I still have friends but they can't relate to my experiences so why bother. Then I think to myself that several years ago, this is actually what I wanted. I wanted to remove all the clutter, all the negative relationships out of my life so that I could concentrate on me. I was surrounded by negative friends and family. I was constantly being triggered and to this day I still am. Thus I have to cut out my family for my own mental health. It's one of the toughest things I will have to do but I must do it for my own sanity. I will effectively exclude myself from all my extended family and I have a large family. I was doing quite well in my previous job until my mother started contacting me again then my performance at work fell to pieces. It's like I just self-sabotaged myself and I knew it yet I couldn't stop it.

It's like creative destruction. I need to destroy everything around me so that all I have is the core, what I truly need, what brings positivity to my life. Then I will improve and create a new life for myself with new relationships that I consciously choose. That's how I see it.

I feel for you too! I wish there was some advice I could offer you! The only thing I can think of is not to give up on trying to have friendships because they are so important to our well being. With that being said I struggle with maintaining healthy friendships...