I'm Ugly and I Don't Know What To Do

I've browsed these forums many times, usually on my exceptionally low nights, looking for stories that are close to mine as a way to comfort myself. Although I have seen several threads of people asking if they can have BDD if they are truly ugly, the situation is still somewhat unresolved for me.

I should start off by saying that I have not been officially diagnosed with BDD but I do strongly believe that I have it and have believed this ever since I first learned what it was around five or six years ago. I just am too afraid to go get diagnosed.

The earliest I can recall thinking I was ugly was around age 7 or so, which seems to be quite a lot younger than many of the people here. My BDD area is mostly concentrated on my face. Ever since that age I began obsessing about my ugliness 24/7, constantly checking mirrors for hours on end and hating the reflection that is staring back at me, being afraid to go outside, taking hundreds of pictures of myself hoping that at least one will show me as pretty but avoiding getting my picture taken by anyone else, constantly comparing my self to others, skin-picking, crying myself to sleep almost every night, wishing and praying to wake up pretty and wondering why I have to be so ugly and how unfair it is that everyone else gets to be beautiful. I don't have an ounce of self-esteem; only self-loathing. I have been called ugly, or stared at/pointed and laughed at/been whispered about, or have had various other appearance-related insults thrown at me many times, and almost always by strangers/passersby. I have concluded that if so many people say that I am ugly, it has to be true and not just BDD.

I am now 24 (and living at home) and I just don't know what to do. My obsessions and sadness are getting harder and harder to hide from family and friends and I feel like I am losing control of everything. I am so exhausted from being so ugly for so long. I feel so hopeless and like things are only getting worse. Perhaps its because as each year passes I come closer and closer to the realization that I will be alone forever and will never amount to anything. I am too ugly for anyone to love or want to date and marry and have a family with. And knowing I will live my entire life never having been loved is almost too much for me to bear. I used to have hopes that one day all of this would go away and I could be happy and normal, and that is the only thing that has kept me alive this long, but now that hope is starting to deteriorate. The more I think about it all, the worse I feel, but my appearance is something I can't ignore. The world doesn't let me. I can't go outside without feeling self-conscious. I have now begun avoiding my friends completely. I just sit inside all day, alone and sad, and now, in addition to my BDD, I believe I have developed major depression from all this stress as well.

I really think I should get some help for all of this before it gets even worse, but my main problem is that I would feel so stupid and foolish walking into the doctor's office and explaining to him that I think I have BDD when in fact I really am just as ugly as can be. I feel as if they would be laughing at me (on the inside) and tell me that I don't have BDD, I'm just ugly and there's nothing they can do for that. I really do want help and for all of this to go away but I also don't know how to explain any of this to my parents. They don't know about my obsessive BDD behaviors like the mirror checking, they just think I'm just shy but don't seem to really know why, or perhaps they do and just don't want to admit it. I feel like if I tell them I think I'm ugly and have BDD and depression they will just dismiss it all and tell me I'm not ugly just to be nice. I feel like I have no support system (which is something I really need right now in my life) because I don't know how to tell my friends and family. I just want to ask them if I really am just ugly, but I know they wouldn't tell me the truth and if I tell them I think I have BDD and it turns out I really am just hideously repulsively ugly, they would all just laugh at me for being so stupid to think that I might have "perceived imperfections" rather than real ones. I know they're real imperfections though. They must be! I can see them plain as day when I look in the mirror and so can all the people that have laughed at me and called me ugly. I just don't know what to do. I wonder if getting help would even help because if I really am just plain ugly, how is CBT or medication going to change that? People will probably still make fun of me either way. I just want to disappear into nothingness.

Sorry if any of this is confusing or jumbled and sorry it is such a long post. I have a very difficult time putting all of these emotions that have been bottled up for so long into words. I don't know what anyone can say to help me, but I at least wanted to tell my story to someone without fear of being laughed at and this seemed like a place where I could do that.

Firstly.... I would just like to say that I bet your really pretty but the BDD is making you see otherwise!! (I have BDD too and actually feel SUPER hideous right now, so i know how you feel!! TOTALLY)
Secondly... EVERYTHING you have writen down, is exactly the way i feel!! like why was i given this face and this torment when there are so many ugly people (inside) that look so pretty on the outside?! what did i do to deserve this?!? what makes it worse is that i have 5 sisters, so im constantly worried that people are comparing us, and that im always the UGLY one

But back to you, I think you should at least let your parents know so at least they understand and can try and help you through this so that your not completely alone!! (which your not, because if you ever feel the need to message me, PLEASE do ) also, i would say if you have any CLOSE friend/s that you feel comfortable confiding in? but then i feel very self concious telling people that i have BDD for the fear that
1. theyl think im vain or
2. that they think im ugly anyway and that im using the word BDD as a way to make myself feel better!
for me too its mainly my WHOLE face that i constantly worry about alllllll dayyyyyyyyy longgggggg, all i can think about is how i look, and a mirror is both my friend and my foe! and in regards to the camera checking, i totally know what you mean! recently ive been taking LOADS of pics of my face (sometimes just isolating certain features that i hate, in an attempt to hopefully see something that i like (which ultimatly never happens!!) its so tiring isnt it!!
so i think you should start by confiding in your parents, get it all off your chest, even if you need to cry LET IT ALL OUT! just tell them EVERYTHING, also i'm reading this book at the minute called 'The Broken Mirror by Katharine A Phillips' so maybe you and your parents could read through it together? me personally, i got up to page 20 and couldnt stop crying, some of the stories in there just remind me of what im going through so i had to stop reading for a while because i couldnt see through my tears ;P
I dont know if i helped at all but please contact me if you ever need someone to talk to!
<hugs> xx

Hi hun...i can relate to you in so many way's and your post actually made me cry . I also feel i suffer from BDD but have never been diagnosed as i won't go to the Doctors as i feel they will just laugh at me because i am really ugly. I hate the way i look in a very severe way i make myself feel literally sick i am Engaged and have 2 Children which i have to try and hide this problem from them as i don't want it to affect there lives i look in the mirror about 1000 times a day and spot so many differant flaws all the time which really are there for example red split veins is a recent one today thousands of them round my nostrils and i am now severely self conscious another is eye bags i have terrible ones, another is my teeth this is my worst problem i have had issues with my teeth since being very young, and another is hair loss and grey hairs the list goes on i am literally drained from this obssesion i hate going out and meeting or bumping into people which is hard when you have Children i panic before any appointments with my youngest who is 2 and has been diagnosed with Autism so i am going to have to go to alot of differant appointments and so on and for someone who has social issues it's very scary but will do anything for my kids. I take pictures of myself all day everyday i have to clear my phone memory everyday because of the amount i take and then i just cry or feel as if i am going into severe panic when i see them i have seriously never seen anyone as ugly as me in my whole life and i don't know how much more of this i can handle i put on a front in front of family and close friends big smiles laughs and also my children but inside i am crying all the time majority of people with BDD are gorgeous beautiful people and i bet including you also but me i really am ugly infact worse then that word. I hope you find the help you need you seem such a lovely person and you will find someone one day to settle down with and be happy with because i am certain you are seeing yourself as being ugly when i bet you are the total opposite keep your chin up i am here for a chat anytime take care and sending you HUGS x

-- Tue Apr 02, 2013 4:05 pm --

Hi hun...i can relate to you in so many way's and your post actually made me cry . I also feel i suffer from BDD but have never been diagnosed as i won't go to the Doctors as i feel they will just laugh at me because i am really ugly. I hate the way i look in a very severe way i make myself feel literally sick i am Engaged and have 2 Children which i have to try and hide this problem from them as i don't want it to affect there lives i look in the mirror about 1000 times a day and spot so many differant flaws all the time which really are there for example red split veins is a recent one today thousands of them round my nostrils and i am now severely self conscious another is eye bags i have terrible ones, another is my teeth this is my worst problem i have had issues with my teeth since being very young, and another is hair loss and grey hairs the list goes on i am literally drained from this obssesion i hate going out and meeting or bumping into people which is hard when you have Children i panic before any appointments with my youngest who is 2 and has been diagnosed with Autism so i am going to have to go to alot of differant appointments and so on and for someone who has social issues it's very scary but will do anything for my kids. I take pictures of myself all day everyday i have to clear my phone memory everyday because of the amount i take and then i just cry or feel as if i am going into severe panic when i see them i have seriously never seen anyone as ugly as me in my whole life and i don't know how much more of this i can handle i put on a front in front of family and close friends big smiles laughs and also my children but inside i am crying all the time majority of people with BDD are gorgeous beautiful people and i bet including you also but me i really am ugly infact worse then that word. I hope you find the help you need you seem such a lovely person and you will find someone one day to settle down with and be happy with because i am certain you are seeing yourself as being ugly when i bet you are the total opposite keep your chin up i am here for a chat anytime take care and sending you HUGS x

-- Tue Apr 02, 2013 4:10 pm --

Hi hun...i can relate to you in so many way's and your post actually made me cry . I also feel i suffer from BDD but have never been diagnosed as i won't go to the Doctors as i feel they will just laugh at me because i am really ugly. I hate the way i look in a very severe way i make myself feel literally sick i am Engaged and have 2 Children which i have to try and hide this problem from them as i don't want it to affect there lives i look in the mirror about 1000 times a day and spot so many differant flaws all the time which really are there for example red split veins is a recent one today thousands of them round my nostrils and i am now severely self conscious another is eye bags i have terrible ones, another is my teeth this is my worst problem i have had issues with my teeth since being very young, and another is hair loss and grey hairs the list goes on i am literally drained from this obssesion i hate going out and meeting or bumping into people which is hard when you have Children i panic before any appointments with my youngest who is 2 and has been diagnosed with Autism so i am going to have to go to alot of differant appointments and so on and for someone who has social issues it's very scary but will do anything for my kids. I take pictures of myself all day everyday i have to clear my phone memory everyday because of the amount i take and then i just cry or feel as if i am going into severe panic when i see them i have seriously never seen anyone as ugly as me in my whole life and i don't know how much more of this i can handle i put on a front in front of family and close friends big smiles laughs and also my children but inside i am crying all the time majority of people with BDD are gorgeous beautiful people and i bet including you also but me i really am ugly infact worse then that word. I hope you find the help you need you seem such a lovely person and you will find someone one day to settle down with and be happy with because i am certain you are seeing yourself as being ugly when i bet you are the total opposite keep your chin up i am here for a chat anytime take care and sending you HUGS x

Thank you so much to both of you for your replies and your kind words and advice and especially for sharing your stories with me! It really helps me to read them since I can relate to them so much. Like, Ladyp90 with your 5 sisters; I have a brother and I often think when people meet us that they are comparing us as well and are wondering to themselves how my parents could have one child who is so ugly and one who is so normal. I have heard about the Katharine A Phillips and am thinking about getting it. I know I cried the entire time I watched the Too Ugly for Love documentary and I will more than likely cry the entire time I read that book too. I agree with what you said that maybe showing my parents the book or something similar when I try to explain my BDD to them will help me through it. That way it hopefully won't just sound like I'm being vain and that it is real and they can read stories of people just like me. I do need to tell them somehow because that will be the first real step for me to getting help. I just need to find the courage.

And willow30, I completely understand how exhausting it must be to put on a happy face and try to hide it all from your children and family. Hiding it isn't easy. I'm always trying to check myself in reflective surfaces when no one is looking or making it seem as if I'm checking my phone when really I'm just looking into the glassy screen to see myself. What you said about you not wanting it to affect their lives really got to me because I feel the same. Even though I need to, I don't want to have to tell my parents because they might blame themselves somehow and I don't want them to feel bad because it is not their fault. They didn't do anything wrong, I'm just ugly. I am also sorry to hear about your son's diagnosis and the added stress of having to go to many different appointments. *hugs* My teeth are a big problem spot for me and have been since childhood as well, along with my cheeks, bulgy eyes, forehead, and also my nose, which aside from being big and crooked and misshapen with uneven nostrils, now has many acne scars and spots from me picking at my skin all the time. I'm also starting to see dark circles under my eyes which seem to be getting worse.

I'm sure both of you are as beautiful on the outside as you are on the inside and I wish the best to you and hope you find happiness in your lives.

Aww hun your more then welcome for the reply it actually kills me to know that people are suffering the same as me.. I also see a massive forehead a wonky nose and dont even get me started on my wonky nostrils LOL ....and i have not done that for a while LOL but i cannot believe how much alike we are i was at my Brothers today and i kept popping in the toilet every 15 minutes to check how ugly i am then started to crack my knuckles and pinch my skin because i am to ugly for words i really do wish youn the best i think its to far gone for me now and i hope it isnt for you i am always here to chat to whenever you wish take care hun massive hugs xxxx

-- Wed Apr 03, 2013 8:28 pm --

Aww hun your more then welcome for the reply it actually kills me to know that people are suffering the same as me.. I also see a massive forehead a wonky nose and dont even get me started on my wonky nostrils LOL ....and i have not done that for a while LOL but i cannot believe how much alike we are i was at my Brothers today and i kept popping in the toilet every 15 minutes to check how ugly i am then started to crack my knuckles and pinch my skin because i am to ugly for words i really do wish youn the best i think its to far gone for me now and i hope it isnt for you i am always here to chat to whenever you wish take care hun massive hugs xxxx

I like to believe that none of us are too far gone but I know how hard it is to live with this and feeling so hopeless. I would not wish this on anyone and if I could make everyone's BDD disappear, I would in a heartbeat. However, there's some part of me that almost fears the change that might come from getting help. I've become so comfortable with being so uncomfortable all my life that I wouldn't know who I was without my self-conscious blanket. I've never known the true me because for as long as I can remember, I've hated the way I look, but I also just want to know once and for all if I am just incredibly ugly or if I really do have BDD and can get help, but I'm too afraid to say anything to anyone. I've actually contemplated asking a few of my close friends to just tell me the truth about whether I'm ugly or not, but I'm terrified of the answer, but I don't think I can live this way for much longer. There is so much I want to do in my life, but my appearance is holding me back. Although i find comfort in knowing I'm not alone, It hurts me to know that you feel this way too and of course I'm always here if you need someone to chat with as well.

I have to get my picture taken for a new drivers license tomorrow and I can't even begin to describe how much I'm dreading it.