Random Blog Entry
HOCD or Denial? Male, age 17 by sweatyhog96 on Wed Mar 26, 2014 3:18 am
I'm a 17 male and I've come here because I'm very confused about my sexuality. I mainly just want an outside opinion so I'm going to give you my whole story and let ur deduce it for yourself. Okay so my whole childhood I believed I was 100% straight. I got my first crush on a girl when I was 6, her name was reagan and I got nervous as hell around her. I thought she was pretty and got jealous when she would talk to my friends. I was pretty shy so when she would talk to me I was kind of a goof. Now around age 9 I started developing a disorder and I finally had my first anxiety attack. It wasn't usually anything in particular that caused them but they were severe as hell. My main fear was that I wouldn't be able to breathe or I would choke on food/my own spit. This got so bad I started holding my spit in my mouth because I thought if I swallowed it i would choke and die. I went to doctors and even went on medicine a few times. My dad and my brother have similar anxiety disorders and both of them have to take medication. But for me around the age of 11 I just stopped getting severe anxiety attacks and doing weird $#%^ like holding in my spit. I know this all seems redundant but I'll get back to it. Now around the 5th grade I started developing sexually. I got more interested in girls, and started having fantasies. It was simple stuff too that got me aroused, not heavy duty porn. I would watch scenes in movies and tv where pretty girls were getting kissed and get excited. And latter on I started watching lesbians kissing(around 5th-6th grade) on YouTube. This was my favorite and I usually got aroused immediately. Throughout middle school I felt normal and considered myself straight. I always thought about one day having a girlfriend. But my social awkwardness kept me less confident about myself. I would sometimes get bullied an called a "#######1" or "gay". I still had friends, and would usually defend myself because I didn't like getting kicked around. But I do admit that I look back at photos and videos I did look and sound a bit "gay"(whatever that means), and I could understand why some people thought this. Now when it came to girls in middle school I wasn't much of a champ. I had very few friends who were girls, and I felt very shy around them. I would think about them, but didnt have much courage to talk to them. I would fantasize and I continued to watch lesbians online throughout middle school. I especially remember fantasizing about having sex with my orchestra teacher Mrs. Smith. I guess I had gone through most of puberty by 8th grade(taller, pubic/armpit hair, and deeper voice). The only encounters of homosexuality then was when people would call me names, and I would wonder why. I never really thought sexually of boys at that time. Okay so I finished middle school and entered highschool and this is when things get interesting. My first semester freshman year was good, I was confident of my sexuality and I was maturing as a person. I thought of many girls and had several crushes, but never got a girlfriend. At that point I had never masturbated, only wet dreams(always of girls). So the first time I ever masturbated I was 15 and it was to lesbian porn( real porn not just women kissing). I was hooked and for 5 months I did it happily almost twice a day(maybe more). But then this is where things went bad. After a long period of doing this I had started to go limp, and wasn't getting as hard as quickly anymore. So one night, as I was browsing straight porn sites a stumbled on a thumbnail of gay porn. I got really nervous and anxious because I got erect from it. I freaked out for a moment and questioned if I was gay. I figured the only was to know for sure is if I tested it out. I watched a video of two men kissing and I was erect, I didn't know what else to do but I masturbated to it. When I was done i felt an emense lack of breathe and I started to panic. "I'm gay?! I'm gay?!" I thought. This...
[ Continued ]
0 Comments Viewed 280 times
Registered users: Alexa [Bot], Alucard, AScaredGirl, Baidu [Spider], Bi-Polar Bear, Bing [Bot], Breytt, CandiedArsenic, DeepPeace, Exabot [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, gran, HokusaiPhillies, iZombie, jabberwocky, Johnny-Jack, JustBlendIn, kah80, kitty000, Londonisbae, Mrthewebs, MSNbot Media, nmk1226, NowIGetIt, Paulsmith, Purple 8, realityhere, Retro-Bpd, seiriol, Shih tzu lover, TROJAN WARRIOR, TwilightVanguard, voracious_lemon, Winteriscoming, writingdaizies, Yahoo [Bot], z7z, Zionne, Zixxy