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I'm fed up by princess_pig on Wed Dec 26, 2012 4:11 pm
I'm 23 years old and a fresh graduate from university. I have been through many eating disorders and I don't know what I am today. My story begins from the Yr2 of Uni, where I decided to go on a diet after gaining weight from holiday. I was 130lbs at a height of 155cm. Like most people, I restricted by calories, which led to skipping meals.
However, I think my eating disorder started way before uni, probably during secondary school. I started to eat less and less for lunch at the age of 14-15yrs. I would tell my friends that I wasn't hungry and then hide in the library and try to pay attention towards my studies. I became more and more anti-social. I felt that I couldn't understand what my friends were talking about and felt more and more lonesome and more depressed because I believe I was having difficulty in communicating. My life became filled with the thoughts of food and food and appearance.
I used to be a hard working and persevering person, but during 6 form I just couldn't concentrate on my studies anymore, I became more and more lazy and unmotivated. My typical day involved going to school and thinking about food and what to buy to eat when I get home. I never ate at school then, I usually binge when I get home. I would usually buy 2 300g bars of chocolate and eat in secret. The more I ate, the more I feel depressed about my appearance but I didn't do anything like exercise to compensate for it. I became withdrawn from society. I feel so left behind, I don't know where to catch up and now I'm desparate to catch up but i haven't done anything to allow myself to do so.
Back to University, I lost a lot of weight after restricting to 1 bowl of boiled broccoli a day. I went down to 96lbs in 2 months. I thought okay, I should stop and eat again. And then it happened, I became obsessed about maintaining my weight and loosing more the merrier. One day, I don't remember why, but I binged a lot, I thought that i needed to go to hospital to get my stomach pumped. But I felt so guilty the only quickest option was to vomit. After vomitting, I quickly weighed myself and found that I lost 0.4lbs. I was surprised, but I thought that I could use this way to eat what i want without weight gain but also loose weight at the same time. From 96lbs i went down to 84lbs in 1 month. I didn't think I had a problem, or maybe I was just too afraid to admit I had a problem, but then when it was coming towards revision for my exams, I thought that i didn't know anything. For the whole year, I prioritise my thoughts about food and food that I didn't concentrate on my studies. Of, course my grades dropped dramatically that year. I knew that I had to consult someone for help and my mother came into this.
I went back to my parents hometown (abroad) to seek medical help as they believed it was easier for them to communicate. I went on medication to try and control my cravings and aggressive behavior and it seemed ok so then after the summer break, I returned to my studies 09/2010.
However, my weight dropped dramatically again a I was binging and purging again to after 2 month of uni, I decided to take a gap year and try to sort myself out. My parents did not want me to be questioned about my illness so my mum and I moved back abroad to seek medical advice again. Originally, the plan was to seek medical advice as an outpatient but after 4 months I dropped down to 66lbs because i was binging and purging too frequently. Surprisingly, I have never felt faint or anything, just that I looked thin. I was admitted to hospital for 3 months where I went up to 79lbs. My doc said that I could return to my studies but the condition was that I could not live alone. So during my final year of uni, I lived with my mum where she would prepare meals for me, mainly because i fear oil, most foods she cooked did not contain any at all. I know this is still not normal, but it was better than not eating anything.
At the very start of semester, I was still binging, craving...
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