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a memory, a feeling, a connection? by SamsLand on Thu Jan 05, 2012 1:28 am
I have this memory. I am between 1 and 2 years old. How do I know this? read on. I am scared. I feel alone, but I feel "secure". My head is bothering me. Parts of my hair are sticky, or pulling. It is bothering me. I keep touching it, and someone keeps pulling my hands down. Then I see my ear. My ear is tiny, my hair is light brown, stringy, there is not much and a slight wave. My head is large. Based on this image I know I am a young toddler. Yes, to see my ear, I need to dissociate. This is my earliest dissociation memory.
My mother came to visit this summer. I had this overwhelming anxiety that she was going to kill me when she visited. I had some ideas about how she was going to do it. I was so scared she was going to kill me. Then I "talked" myself out of it and then I started to believe she was going to steal my kids. I told my T and he said that I should not let her visit, that I wasn't ready to see her if I believed she thought my life was so unimportant that she could take it away in an instant. But I let her come, I wanted my kids to see their grandmother. When she was here I was worried the first night she was going to steal my kids so I slept in their room. Mama bear protects.
I also know I fell down a story and a half of stairs when I was somewhere between 1 and 2. Apparently I fell over the railing and landed on my head. I assume this is what sent me to the hospital to have my head examined. I assume this is the trauma associated with the dissociation. I assume the dissociation occurred while I was being examined in the hospital.
Something in my head is telling me these two things are connected. The dissociation and related trauma and the feeling my mom is trying to kill me. I can't bear to acknowledge this but it will not go away.
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