Random Blog Entry
My life is just one long song. by Parker95 on Wed Feb 15, 2012 3:59 pm
I feel so incredibly awful today. Cut a bunch last night and this morning and felt a bit better afterwords, but that's all I can think about. Sooo, I decided to listen to my music, hoping to distract me. And for the most part it's working. Music has always been a distraction for me. When I was a kid, I would turn the volume all the way up to block out my parents screaming at each other and also what people would say to me. And music 'speaks' to me, if you will. I will hear a song and just think "That is SOO me!" and it somewhat makes me feel better.
Now, I listen to all types of music. All except perhaps heavy metal (it gets kind of difficult to listen when they're screaming.). And there are some songs in particular that I will listen to repeatedly. Songs like 'You Found Me', 'How to Save a Life', 'Over My Head', and 'Little House', all by The Fray, explain my life perfectly. Other songs like: 'Radio' by He is We, 'The Last Night' by Skillet, 'When She Cries' by Britt Nicole, and 'Hero' by Superchick easily fit into that category as well. I feel as if I live in these songs. Songs of cutters. Of desperate, suicidal people. In each of these songs I see myself. How they each describe me oh, so well. And I don't known if I like that. I mean, sometimes it makes me feel worse.
For example, The Fray is my favorite band by far. Not necessarily because of the beat or anything. Because of the lyrics, the meaning behind the words. The 4 songs I mentioned above are probably my favorite songs because each of them has a part of me.
I LOVE 'You Found Me' because the fact that I want someone to find me before it's too late. As a matter of fact, whenever I cut I keep my phone right next to me because I'm hoping that someone will text or call me and interrupt what I'm doing. I want it to stop, but I can't on my own.
'How to Save a Life' I have missed feelings about. While it is probably tied for first with You Found Me, I still feel a bit...sad(?) when I hear it. Because I want someone to care enough to Stop me. I want someone to pull me aside and to tell me that I'm not okay. To realize the hurt and pain I'm in and to intervene. But all who know say nothing. Whether because they don't know what to say, or they're waiting for me to tell them, or they don't want to say the wrong thing and make it worse. But I just want them to try. Just try.
Now, for 'Over My Head (Cable Car)' I love for the fact that 'Everyone knows I'm in over my head' and they still do nothing. And 'I'd rather run the other way than stay and see the smoke and who's still standing when it clears.' That's totally me. I know that I have people who care about me, however I still have my doubts. I think I'd rather just believe they all cared and would do anything for me then really find out the truth. Even if my doubts were wrong.
To conclude this already long blog post, I will say thank you and congratulations to those who got through all of that. And I hope you didn't think I was too weird, although, if you did that's perfectly fine too. I literally live and breath music. Music is my life. I live through my music. I can relate to music. I can easily tell someone how I'm feeling by just telling them a name of a song. And since I have had to re-write this entry a few times fold I will, if I get bored enough to, write about 'Little House' later on. However, my ADD in me is screaming because I've been sitting too long as is. So, so long for now. Hopefully today will end better than it started.
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