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a memory, a feeling, a connection? by SamsLand on Thu Jan 05, 2012 1:28 am
I have this memory. I am between 1 and 2 years old. How do I know this? read on. I am scared. I feel alone, but I feel "secure". My head is bothering me. Parts of my hair are sticky, or pulling. It is bothering me. I keep touching it, and someone keeps pulling my hands down. Then I see my ear. My ear is tiny, my hair is light brown, stringy, there is not much and a slight wave. My head is large. Based on this image I know I am a young toddler. Yes, to see my ear, I need to dissociate. This is my earliest dissociation memory.

My mother came to visit this summer. I had this overwhelming anxiety that she was going to kill me when she visited. I had some ideas about how she was going to do it. I was so scared she was going to kill me. Then I "talked" myself out of it and then I started to believe she was going to steal my kids. I told my T and he said that I should not let her visit, that I wasn't ready to see her if I believed she thought my life was so unimportant that she could take it away in an instant. But I let her come, I wanted my kids to see their grandmother. When she was here I was worried the first night she was going to steal my kids so I slept in their room. Mama bear protects.

I also know I fell down a story and a half of stairs when I was somewhere between 1 and 2. Apparently I fell over the railing and landed on my head. I assume this is what sent me to the hospital to have my head examined. I assume this is the trauma associated with the dissociation. I assume the dissociation occurred while I was being examined in the hospital.

Something in my head is telling me these two things are connected. The dissociation and related trauma and the feeling my mom is trying to kill me. I can't bear to acknowledge this but it will not go away.


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Letter for Dr. D by Callalily on Fri May 22, 2015 5:08 am
Dear _____,

No matter what you say or do that hurts me, I know you are not a cruel person. You are kind and gentle and humble and loving. It's just you've needed to defend those things more fiercely...

[ Continued ]

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i hate me by snaga2.0 on Thu May 21, 2015 10:49 am
That's it. Nothing more. I've drunk enough beer to be sick, and been a bad person. I am a horrible person. There's really nothing more to say. The internet sucks. It makes me bad. I'm horrible. I won't...

[ Continued ]

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good day. Issue in my head only by Charlton12 on Thu May 21, 2015 10:16 am
Yesterday was a great day, really enjoyed it. Company was very easy, conversation flowed along, just chatting easily. I had put some planning into this one, which is unusual for me, am not really one for...

[ Continued ]

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Body dysmorphia: Exposure and response prevention by margharris on Thu May 21, 2015 12:53 am
Havent forgotten this blog. Just had trouble losing posts with some issues on Mozilla.

Exposure and response prevention was mentioned in the forum and as it is relevant to us today I thought I might...

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Philosophical Anthropology by gamnot on Wed May 20, 2015 8:06 pm
Man is a synthesis of opposite pairs; finitude/infinitude, necessity/possibility, temporal/eternal. ............. A human being is an individual/person in which commonality and lust is to the individual...

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Re: A listing by xod_s on Wed May 20, 2015 8:28 pm
._. One of our budgies is not well.

Re: Help by Callalily on Tue May 19, 2015 4:56 pm
Thank you Ada. Exhausting and slow are exactly the right words. It helps to hear a compassionate voice, I can't even tell you.

Re: Miserably inadequate by snaga2.0 on Tue May 19, 2015 1:25 pm
None as far as I can tell, but you already know that, too.

Re: i don't know by snaga2.0 on Tue May 19, 2015 1:17 pm
Well, there's a How Are You Feeling thread in the Cutting and Self Harm forum. IF you find yourself SHing again. Otherwise you may just fine it triggering, we wouldn't want that ofc. Just post in whatever...

[ Continued ]

Re: Rant by pixi3 on Sun May 17, 2015 7:51 pm
They called, both of them, yesterday. My mother to complain and my brother to discuss his finances. Geez. Listened a bit then got it across that I was busy and sick.
I know I don't always have to answer,...

[ Continued ]

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