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HOCD or Denial? Male, age 17 by sweatyhog96 on Wed Mar 26, 2014 3:18 am
I'm a 17 male and I've come here because I'm very confused about my sexuality. I mainly just want an outside opinion so I'm going to give you my whole story and let ur deduce it for yourself. Okay so my whole childhood I believed I was 100% straight. I got my first crush on a girl when I was 6, her name was reagan and I got nervous as hell around her. I thought she was pretty and got jealous when she would talk to my friends. I was pretty shy so when she would talk to me I was kind of a goof. Now around age 9 I started developing a disorder and I finally had my first anxiety attack. It wasn't usually anything in particular that caused them but they were severe as hell. My main fear was that I wouldn't be able to breathe or I would choke on food/my own spit. This got so bad I started holding my spit in my mouth because I thought if I swallowed it i would choke and die. I went to doctors and even went on medicine a few times. My dad and my brother have similar anxiety disorders and both of them have to take medication. But for me around the age of 11 I just stopped getting severe anxiety attacks and doing weird $#%^ like holding in my spit. I know this all seems redundant but I'll get back to it. Now around the 5th grade I started developing sexually. I got more interested in girls, and started having fantasies. It was simple stuff too that got me aroused, not heavy duty porn. I would watch scenes in movies and tv where pretty girls were getting kissed and get excited. And latter on I started watching lesbians kissing(around 5th-6th grade) on YouTube. This was my favorite and I usually got aroused immediately. Throughout middle school I felt normal and considered myself straight. I always thought about one day having a girlfriend. But my social awkwardness kept me less confident about myself. I would sometimes get bullied an called a "#######1" or "gay". I still had friends, and would usually defend myself because I didn't like getting kicked around. But I do admit that I look back at photos and videos I did look and sound a bit "gay"(whatever that means), and I could understand why some people thought this. Now when it came to girls in middle school I wasn't much of a champ. I had very few friends who were girls, and I felt very shy around them. I would think about them, but didnt have much courage to talk to them. I would fantasize and I continued to watch lesbians online throughout middle school. I especially remember fantasizing about having sex with my orchestra teacher Mrs. Smith. I guess I had gone through most of puberty by 8th grade(taller, pubic/armpit hair, and deeper voice). The only encounters of homosexuality then was when people would call me names, and I would wonder why. I never really thought sexually of boys at that time. Okay so I finished middle school and entered highschool and this is when things get interesting. My first semester freshman year was good, I was confident of my sexuality and I was maturing as a person. I thought of many girls and had several crushes, but never got a girlfriend. At that point I had never masturbated, only wet dreams(always of girls). So the first time I ever masturbated I was 15 and it was to lesbian porn( real porn not just women kissing). I was hooked and for 5 months I did it happily almost twice a day(maybe more). But then this is where things went bad. After a long period of doing this I had started to go limp, and wasn't getting as hard as quickly anymore. So one night, as I was browsing straight porn sites a stumbled on a thumbnail of gay porn. I got really nervous and anxious because I got erect from it. I freaked out for a moment and questioned if I was gay. I figured the only was to know for sure is if I tested it out. I watched a video of two men kissing and I was erect, I didn't know what else to do but I masturbated to it. When I was done i felt an emense lack of breathe and I started to panic. "I'm gay?! I'm gay?!" I thought. This...

[ Continued ]

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Now what to do! by OMNICELL on Sun Aug 28, 2016 5:55 am
Im moving away from women; talking about dating them! theirs still a few things left to talk about!
Most of what I have to talk about concerns interests!

Im an artist; it means, its my calling!...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 10 times
Dating 2 by OMNICELL on Sat Aug 27, 2016 3:05 pm
I could or should write the rest of the blogs about women! Why? I didn't realize; I have no development with women! no wonder their have been such problems!

I had no mother; the monster playing...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 8 times
Free Rent -where to find it? by Bewitched65 on Fri Aug 26, 2016 3:19 pm
Today I said goodbye to my husband this morning as usual.

Yesterday I had sent him a job opening for his company in Colorado.... It looks like a nice place where we can afford to buy a home instead of...

[ Continued ]

1 Comment Viewed 33 times
Hocd or denial by Hocdeath on Fri Aug 26, 2016 8:35 am
Hi (WARNING. My language is not great because im from sweden)

What is the difference between hocd or being gay?
I think I have hocd but last night I red the differences about hocd fears and being gay...

[ Continued ]

1 Comment Viewed 37 times
What a dead personality is like... by niltwill on Thu Aug 25, 2016 7:57 pm
I had the urge to continue from "being dead inside" to "what a dead personality is like", a.k.a. what it's like to be like me, to live like me everyday.

Alternatively, the 'dead personality'...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 18 times
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Re: Childhood dysfunction and mental illness by yesosiro on Sat Aug 27, 2016 8:22 pm
Thank you so much Snaga, I really appreciate the clarification. I'll keep that in mind!

Re: Free Rent -where to find it? by Snaga on Sat Aug 27, 2016 12:07 pm
Wow... you must really hate where you're at..... hugs!

Re: Childhood dysfunction and mental illness by Snaga on Sat Aug 27, 2016 11:49 am
No, it's the blogs- the posting format is okay, as long as the forum rules are followed, you can ramble as you please in blog.

Do not feel hurt if you don't get replies, however... I find that replies...

[ Continued ]

Re: Hocd or denial by Hocdeath on Fri Aug 26, 2016 8:39 am
And could you tell me that is this fear normal?

Re: Reality by Snaga on Thu Aug 25, 2016 10:21 pm
I think that is probably a common urge that goes through a lot of peoples' minds at times. Most people probably shake it off. I know I sometimes find myself thinking like that and I will dwell on it...

[ Continued ]

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