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So We Meet Again by CKinPA on Mon Feb 27, 2017 9:34 pm
Last week for the very first time I went to a therapist and upon returning home I was trying to figure out why she seemed familiar to me. Then from the depths of my long term memory reserves the memory came roaring through my brain and hit me in the head like a ton of bricks. I know her. I had her son as a student (for two years actually) as a student in the 6th (when I was an assistant) and 7th (as a long term sub) grades. I had at least one conference with her that I recall. If she didn't remember me specifically she at least knows I had him because she asked me about my history and I included what I used to teach and where. She didn't say anything (not that she should have?). Now this was about 10 years ago and I know she is bound by confidentiality laws. Nevertheless I felt sick to my stomach. I had spilled my guts out, revealed secrets to, even cried to an ex-parent. I am trying to decide if I continue because if I feel awkward and keep seeing her kid in my head can I truly give her 100 percent of myself as necessary? And if I do continue do I share with her my feeling and reservations? Beginning therapy is awkward enough. I feel like I am in an unfortunate situation. I don't even know how I feel about her yet aside from all this because it has only been one session. Thoughts??? My next session is Wednesday and as for now have not cancelled.

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Where I am today by Junferfrizz2 on Mon Feb 27, 2017 7:19 pm
I'm bipolar and I've recently become 'friends' with someone who displays the behaviour of borderline personality disorder. I felt like I chose him, I mean I pursued him. I was attracted to him before he even knew me. The last few months have not been without struggles between us though. His fear of abandonment kicks in during sex, or during calls when we talk about sex. It made me angry the first time, a few times I chose not to get angry. The time when I find it most difficult though is when I'm hypomanic.
He thinks about sex a lot. I've managed to control my hyper sexual behaviour by staying away from men. I don't have a particularly good track record when it comes to relationships, they're mainly based on sex. Initially, I did not pursue him with a physical-based relationship in mind.
I think I am unconsciously attracted to people with serious mental health issues. My first relationship was with a Schizophrenic. We were on and off for five years. I moved away and he contacted me a few years later. I haven't seen him for 15 years but I still think about him sometimes, mainly reminding myself of how toxic we were together.
My relationship after that was with a guy who had severe OCD issues, and was emotionally cold. I don't know how we lasted for three years.
Every other man I've had relationships with have been sex only. I can't even remember how many there were. I feel ashamed about this. The last few years I've been really good at controlling it, to the point where I thought I could never do it again.
I really care about my friend but we're currently not talking. Its more than likely that he'll call me in a few days. I need to stop enabling this destructive cycle we have with sex

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My mother dies in the hospital! by OMNICELL on Mon Feb 27, 2017 7:14 pm
So, out of nowhere; a sociopathic sadistic brother; a combination of both parents! knocks on my apartment door!

God was sending someone! strange people have been showing up lately!

He's drunk; Im wondering what he wants! then I must remember he is a diagnosed sociopath! I know their is nothing in front of me when he is in front of me! meaning, theirs no one their! he is a complete narcissist like my father; 100%! This means, when they show up around you; you are simply being used!

he comes to cry on my shoulder about his mother dying! He cries a bit; not very much; dry tears! hes well on his way to being drunk; at least he didn't bring any kids with him! ITs the same story as always! I haven't seen him in years! he's looking for support because his mother is dying! The last time it was about inheritance! he says we're family; dont believe it! when I was in trouble many years ago; he told me there was no family!

And he suggests he would like me to work with his daughter on creative things! I suggested inviting me over to the house; he did not want that! he wants her to come over my place! I guess Im not good enough to be in his house! Its all very sickening and real!

You have to watch it; when this person is talking family to you; their is no family, and Im being used as a doorstop for him to get some type of bizarre last thought feeling out! I was shocked their was one! maybe it was the child in him from a small age! I dont know!

The sociopath is never on your side! they are a making on to themselves! So, I listened and put up with it! he finally left!

This was a God thing! I found out some personal information I was ready to here!

Its another chapter in my life closing!

==================================================================================

I would like alignment with God! With source energy, I would like alignment! I would like to know what I am suppose to do that makes me happy! its as simple as this! happiness is what Im looking for on a daily basis! I must work with God on this!

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Is it even worth it? by caughtinafray on Mon Feb 27, 2017 2:01 am
Most of the time, I think nothing of success; success in life, in it's broadest sense. It means nothing to me. For one, let's consider the odds..... few people ever achieve a state that can truly be considered "successful." Even those who are successful in terms of wealth and prosperity, peoples' problems arise from the very beginning, and so rarely do they reach their demise free of unresolved issues. So, if we take a look at that few who ever achieve true success, how many of them were anything like me at any point? What portion of the victorious - a slim margin of the population as it is - lived the first pair of decades of their life struggling with issues no easier than mine? .......... So, that basically summarizes the odds of me becoming an accomplished person, truly, purely, authentically "accomplished."

"But that's self-doubt, and self-doubt is your enemy. You should never give up, no matter how hopeless things look." ---- Oh, you think so?

I often consider the overwhelming possibility of all this misery continuing without end for so many years. There is absolutely no guarantee that if I live to be 80 (please, do NOT let me live that long), things won't be so bad, as they are now. If all that lies ahead is more of this, more of the same agony, then will I look back in my final days and say "this was worth fighting for"? Of course not! It wouldn't be worth it unless all this weight on my shoulders - eventually, at some time or another - relented. Or..... would it? Let's not forget what we are, as mankind..... we are one step away from inanimate objects, and that step is sentience. We're animate objects, basically. Just remove the "in." When we're laid to eternal rest beneath six feet of dirt, nothing matters anymore because we're no longer here for anything to matter. Write a story, then crumble it up and toss it in the fire, it becomes nothing.

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Plans by OMNICELL on Sun Feb 26, 2017 6:15 pm
Im trying to understand how to have plans or what plans I need to make it back to civilization!

Im in this room, Im in front of my computer screen, Im on a floor trundle type sleeping thing; I dont remember what their called; the fold out things you can buy at the outlet store!

I have all these problems with memory and identity and massive PTSD! As I get better dealing with a chopped up mind! the number one goal is; how am I doing in reality! thats the hardest hit; the hardest part! What do I want! not; how pissed am I about everything or the state of life! I know about the negative; what about having enough courage to go after what I want! How about the work necessary to get that courage! a plan to create courage!

Ive had 1001 opportunities to be with women; and Ive thrown 99% of them away! I have 1 million excuses! One of the big ones; the women; I did not trust them! they did not show me they could be trusted! they were the wrong people! Did I go out with the right people!

As I read the above statement; I know its not true! I was not man enough to go out with any of these women! I did not have the character for it! I can see this! I was 2 mature for mature women! they made a mistake! its really really hard to see this! I could not handle a real women! I cant handle a real woman! i cant!

However, I read somewhere about conditions; Im always dealing with conditions; and Im never taking any chances!

Who do I like; go for it and see what happens! However, what if I see in that persons behavior with in their last relationships; they were treacherous and un faithful; do I want to go out with her because she likes me and is cute; No! I dont! Im not interested in people who are faithless!

Do I look for the women Im interested in! no! why?, because I cant see myself with them because Im a mental mess! what if I told myself to see myself with them even if Im a mental mess! this is so dam hard on my ego; I cant describe it; is it better to be right or happy!

I refuse to go after a women; why?! I dont know why? I might get laughed at! I might be put down! I might not be the right age! I might be laughed at! Im a coward! its really really really bad! I mean, really bad! Im so scared of being laughed at; AVPD!

I wont allow myself to like someone; they might like me back; the what; I cant live in the past anymore!

Sanity plays a roll in all this! a sane person wants to live! I just want to dream my life away! and thats what Ive done!
Am I not good enough to stop the dream and actually live a life I want and go after it!

Is it possible to define a life based on nothing more then what turns my lights on; and leave the rest for the haters!; is this possible!~ Im going to find out! I mean it!

The plan is how to deal with my coward'ess of not being enough! even when women liked me; hot, super hot women; looks so intimidating it scared me to get near them; they were dropping at my feet; not one; massive amounts of them; scared the holy terror out of me! I could not stand the attention! my dissociative disorder freaked on me! I went into shock and became like a 3 year old and froze up! I always thought; these women dont like me for who I am! they wouldn't want me! Then it kept hitting me " they all ready want you, and theyve proved it to you"! I cant use that excuse anymore!

Why do I need excuses to go out with women! I want them in my bed! I just dont want them seeing the way I live because of my mental illness! I'm ashamed of it! and Im ashamed of what I have become; an after thought! Im so ashamed of everything; Im scare that no one will ever like me!

Nothing worse then putting out time for a relationship; then have a women go; " your not a cowboy". I thought you were strong; your actually just a dreamer with problems; bye!"

Im scared to let someone now what Im really like! Im scared...

[ Continued ]

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