I have to start over in 2025.
.
Ive started over with hidden kindness in 2025. Im learning how to go out into society and secretly do kind things for others without them knowing it. I really like it. And I want to do more of it. I start out with simple things. I draw a smiling face in the dirt on a trail; I take a rock and put it on the side of the road and have it represent a friend I pray for. I pick a flower and put it on a grave… and pray..
I secretly sweep a small part of a sidewalk no one would know about; cleaning it off for the one who lives there… No one would even notice; But I know; its an act of kindness. Maybe I take an apple plucked from a tree; and put it down next to a bush on a corner of a street with the idea that a poor person might come by and eat it if they were hungry. And by doing so; I show caring love and respect to God and what God created. Im acting as an Angel for God on earth.
.
These are examples of what its like to start out simple and at the beginning of learning how to be kind to the earth.
.
RELATIONSHIPS;
.
How do I start out practicing relationships coming into 2025. Where do I start. Im just practicing bringing myself from the past into 2025; where would I start from. Its all about grief. What would I be doing. Where would I start.
.
What simple starting things can I do… to build a presence one movement at a time; one simple thing; simple movement; gesture; silent practicing gesture at a time in 2025.
.
Ive been shyly; simply purposefully saying hello to people at specific and random times in 2025. However; This is even 2 much for me as a starting point for bringing the beginning elements of relationships into 2025.
.
How do I start out. Maybe do small things for women; Kind things; I mean; really basic things; just simply kind gestures. Something like that in the vain of direction of women in 2025; something that breaks the ice; just the most simplest of things in 2025; Or even simpler; much simpler things in the vain of direction of relationships; things not associated with people. Maybe with animals and plants or imaginary things. Ill talk to God about it. I may have to start with child level things from my childhood and rework my childhood.. one small gesture at a time; slowly facing the losses and horror of that time period where I was melted down and destroyed and lost all… God help me… God is helping me…
.
God help me! I can see it; starting out in my childhood… Ill do childhood stuff; OK; Ill have to talk to God; I have no idea; its been a long long while since I was a child.
.
OK; Ill start at young young young childhood. And work with God on the most simple things to get started with; simple interactions; maybe with plants or bugs or blades of grass; or water; just simple starting points of connection and more. Sound; hitting on things making sounds. I don’t know yet. God will help me and let me know; Amen. Its a starting place; an idea. I get it; the starting out before I start out on a thing; the pre development of a development years. Developing the basic abilities that would go into the overall processes for developing development.
.
Ill just start out with on simple unassuming gesture at a time. I guess; I talk to God about it; Amen.
.
.
SO; I talked about all of this at meetings..
.
I am slowly getting better socially; its just starting; Im slowly bringing in the sunlight of the spirit of God through me and my nervous system that is dissociated from reality.
.
The goal is to have the sunlight of God get so developed and strong that it takes over as my identity and how and what I think about; so; all thoughts are pushed or molded into the stream of light of Gods pathways.. Energy rivers and quantum fields.
.
The goal is to set forth on desires and goals within my vortex; That I see them recognize them; and match their frequencies in the real world… I do this many w...

[ Continued ]

The next goal is; Dating
;
Go out into the world and do kind things to others without telling them; Or Do good things for other people…
Do good for others and feel good. And or; do things I love doing that make me feel good; Then
Go home; Get on my knees immediately; with head down; Pray to God for the desire to manifest with enthusiasm for a soulmate. Im not to suggest who what where when why; Im only suppose to get on my knees with enthusiasm and believe as I prayed for meeting a soulmate… Believing God would hear me and help me with enthusiasm. And then after a certain amount of time praying to God and believing; Get up and go about other areas of life with confidence and enthusiasm. Its about real love and belief for God.
Is about believing God will help me… and take care of me…
.
I am not to imagine when praying; I am to only send my feeling of hopefulness of my desire when on my knees to God and to think about God.. or pray to God like a child pleading to their father for a new bicycle. How could a Father say no….
.
I have no control…..
.
.

.
Problems Im finding with meeting new people; I have no control. As a man; I have no confidence with women; no power; nothing! I have nothing because they have the choice how far something can go… They say yes or no to the next step of meeting up somewhere for coffee or a walk in the park or for a bike ride or… That first date.. or what ever.
So; Its hard; whether Im getting somewhere…
.
So; I have to pray first and just take a chance with her and see what she says if I ask her out…
.
If she says no! Or I get ghosted; and that is that. So; all of this is very hard. But it is what it is…
And I have to learn raw strength and make it through it until I end up with people who are serious about a relationship with me…
.
Ive never been in any kind of relationship with anyone… Nothing I want to talk about.
So; this would be my first authentic girlfriend… where its done right. Where it starts out with God and innocent desire for a concept; like soulmate/girlfriend/wife… Family… And so on…
.
Praying to God on my knees…
I learn to take the concept to God; First I pray and us meditation to align with God… Alignment is the most important of things. Go do things that make me feel good and wait… See who shows up; and Im praying all day long like this; and more meditation during the day… and more praying on my knees and waiting.. I wait on God and go do things I like to do and wait and watch and look around.. and see who shows up at times….
.
God has full control; full power; I have nothing but prayer to God…
.
And their it is.
.
And this is where Im going.
.

.

.

.

At this point Im a guy that is 40 years behind… But; that is not the exact truth. But it is; The difference; Im actually out of my hidden shell; Ive done the work and kind of stepped outward for the first time. Im like someone 40 years younger but actually stepping out a bit for real.. Ive worked on my past; Im like present and beat up. Im here tho… Im weak but awake…
.
Ive talked to women and had a little bit of popularity with women.. Ive had a few women Ive talked with; had some really good conversations; And for some; Ive gotten numbers; and with some Ive called and text a few times. But thinking I was close; I never got anywhere… I was ghosted…
.
So; here I am. Im like “ OUT HERE”. “ OUTSIDE”.
.
Id like to meet a thousand women and just start dating again. Im in that place; its very scary… really terrifying. Im in that learning place… re learning.
.
Ill work with God to start over here and get started. The idea is to bring girlfriends back into my life… I have no past basically. No Past. Accept my mental illness problems.. Im better tho; but my mind is weak….
.
And I have to learn to work with God and go forward… Im literally starting at the beginning.
.
I mean that; Its like its Its like its 45-50 year ago. And Im starting out… Im OK; I have no experience. I don’t have confidence or do I like myself or not like myself.
.
Im just someone trying to live my life…
.
Im start over start really for the first time. No past…
.
Many things I understand about my desires…
.
The biggest challenge is with women. Breaking the code so I can date someone; have a girlfriend. Thats my interest; what Im working on under God.
.
The goal is to work with God; And have God manifest what I want. So; Im not in control; God is.
.
I have no idea what Im looking for in women; I just don’t know. I mean; I want someone beautiful and someone that is my best friend… Ill work with God on this… That is the goal.
.
The idea of abundance with women is alien to me. But I have to understand I don’t know anything. Im learning this for the first time; much like a teenager learns this for the first time.
.
I have to start out; I need helpers; people that want to help; that care.. Sent by God. So; they can help.
.
Ill work with God on it. This part of my life is where Im at. And I want it to develop so I can be developed in this part of life.
.
Im broken in this part of life and need help. So; Ill work with God and pray for help from God…
.
I don’t have strength; I do but Im sensitive person. I need and want someone to talk to; to talk to her about her stuff and working her stuff out… interaction; Intelligence.
.
Ill have to go through numbers. Meaning; Ill have to work through many people I guess until I meet the kind of people that respect me. Thats what Im looking for…
.
.
When a women shifts Because I have no strength; I can show up for my struggle; torn destroyed; broken; beat up from the street up; I will never claim to be anything else; I would still be grounded in my mental illness problems; but grounded still; When a women's respect turns on me because of this stuff; I want the option to find a new lady; and get the Hell out of there…
.
I need someone to be at my level; Ive got my problems and don’t want to hide them. I don’t want to hide my weakness; I just want to be myself and be liked for it.
.
For a women who mis understands me; Id just assume move on…
.
Im not a real man; I am a man…
.
I just want to be myself; I don’t want to prove my manhood…
.
I just am as I am…
.
Im lost Im scared; I don’t know who I am; Listen to me. Be their for me; be interested in me. Be my support; meaning you got my back. I have to have a real friend…
.
So; Finding these people. That is the goal.
.
I want her as my rescue’r
As my best friend…
As my girlfriend.
.
As what ever someone who is in honer with me; It mea...

[ Continued ]

Update to goals; second goals update…
.
1. Soulmate construct development.
I am working with God; God comes first. All things are and were taken to God…
In some social areas; I have ignored people… And at times they take notice of me out of curiosity. And from their Ive noticed they may have an interest and curiosity.
.
I have taken all things to God… and I work with God first… and Im watching energies surfacing. Im an observer. I know nothing or very little within reality. I am observing and watching.
.
I have talked with a several and developed some social skills that have not been unnoticed by others in the group. I have a small bit of a reputation with a few it seems; thats the way I see it within my imagination. That is what Ive witnessed in the real world…
.
I might glance at a person and then take that to God and many ideas and concepts build within my imagination under God through prayer and meditation and writing new stories of my life with a person or a soulmate.
.
Im guessing most of the time of what might be going on in the real world. But for the most part I don’t talk to anyone and I don’t talk about these inner feelings or curiosities.
.
If the universe is building something within and underneath; it is private and kept to myself… Hidden deeply into the sphere of the universe.
.
I have made basic innocent contact with some a few times… its cordial and casual. I have collected a few phone numbers and names.
.
Some have abandon the idea of being around me before I could call these numbers. Some have gone and some stayed.
.
I have called some of these numbers. I did not get call backs. In some specific areas I text 1 message to say hello. And surprised; in an extended amount of time through the days.. I was surprised when I received a text back. The texts are basic; just an acknowledgment that they did receive a text and to have a nice day. Ive not text them since.
.
Thus; Ill take all of these to the universe and ask the universe; “ What do I do next universe to practice and learn”; So the universe has reviewed some of these people and for some; a favorable outcome concerning their neutral positions. What does this mean; it means take all things to God and stay to myself. Or take a break and go away for awhile and meditate with God. And work with God until God tells me to continue at the next level.
.
So; I moved to the next level working with God but have not been back to any real social areas. I; staying to myself; disappeared. I went off onto my own life and am communicating with God universe for the next step of development with God; and that is happening now.
.
I am seeing favorable movement of development into the next level of internal spiritual growth with God and concerning the curious natures of soulmate concepts.\.
.
My ability to learn how to function on planet earth is my most pressing concern of these matters.
.

.
Do I really have any specific people yet concerning any form of relationships; NO! However; I feel I am observing the outside world and observing my inner self; internally learning and absorbing the basics on how to live out in life.
.
I learn a little everyday; Im satisfied. I spend allot of my time silently around others or Im with myself talking and working with God all day long.
.
What was the next step I took; I took the idea of some people; were they favorable people to associate with or was I off the mark. In some cases; They were not safe people to associate with. In some cases; the outcome looks more favorable to approach them in general...
.
My life is more of a private affair that is kept silent. I do talk to a few people on the outside of the earth.
.
I loose nothing because I am with God. God builds things within myself through my imagination. I imagine many things and keep to myself. I stay to myself.
.
I have moved on since last week, last month; last year...

[ Continued ]

Goals; update;
.
The goal is a drum room; Ill keep looking into it…
Drumming everyday until its all I want to do all day long
Soulmate; All I can see; things are maybe looking; The door is opening; to what yet.? . I wont say anymore then that; I don’t know… I just don’t know. But I know……
.
.
Car; it was mentioned by a close person; Laws of attraction; Ill pray and write stories; maybe. I have to believe...
.
Bike; I want a new bike… Im a mountain biker; been that way for 25 years…
.
Sometimes; a bike can cost as much as a newer car; so……
.
Family; creating a family… Hmmmm………. All I have to do is believe… things are…….? Could be… I wont say; I don’t know… Im watching right now! Im just watching… watching inside my self… I know but I don’t; but I don’t want to say…
.
Money
.
Place to shoot off fireworks; Got it. Wont worry about a family members house where I will never be invited. And more n more they arnt really like family…
.
.
Revealing God; seeking God…
.
Manifesting through God; Trusting God; Trusting the process; its sounds like a truly incredible thing; would never even consider it with out at least 5 different 12 step fellowships where I could visit meetings any time during the day and supper time… and early morning. I need all the support I can get to learn how to live out here in society land.
.
Right now; Im learning how to believe.
.
Im learning to pray on my knees to the cross and letting anything from God; God wants to bring; God brings; let it fall from the tree into my realm and I stay out of it; out of the outcome; Just keep getting on my knees to the realm and shrine of God; and start with that… and just keep doing it over n over n over… Focus only on the cross and nothing more; no other thoughts then the intent.
.

Meditation.
.
.

I have about 10 prayers from the AA Big Book; and I use all of them one way or another; reciting them to myself all day long…
.
Bikes; Im getting on fixed; but I want another; I just do; can I justify the price; NO! But YES; Ill have to take it to God… and let God manifest it. Amen.
.
So; hanging on to God right now; learning to manifest through the cross of Christ… That means I bow down before it and pray and just sit before it; I imagine the shrine of God is on a mountain top and Im at the bottom of the mountain; the steep cliffs… Im on the ground; the shore… Im looking up then my head bows down in reference as I burry it in front of me with my hands palm out onto the ground; and I pray by Thanking God a million times over n over; And “ Your will Go not mine”; I million times over n over n over; and I attempt to clear my mind and see only the cross above me within my imagination.
I am to humble myself to my God; And by doing so anytime Im in trouble; by praying first before I imagine a thing; putting the horse before the cart; I will imagine it; the feeling; and I know in the spirit world what I want; and when I feel that desire; I get on my knees first before I think anymore about it; and pray to the cross… And let God do his work. And he is…. And let it go and wait…
.
And miraculous stuff is what Im waiting to see… Ive seen things unfold when Im praying the way Im suppose to…
.
Im learning how to manifest right now; to really believe…
.
Take God with me; Ill need to; Things are changing.
.
Things are changing….
.
Women;
.
Ive gone way past….. into another realm.
.
Ive been interacting and growing and being show’n how to grow up and understand and communicate the language of women. Ive become a little popular… and Ive touched allot of hands and had allot of hugs… “ Friends for life” “ Friends for life”. This is how girl( women) talk! And they touch allot… But then I want to touch back… I streak my fingers against their skin… building momentum is easy…
.
And then come the other girls; The ones I went up to; and they began to minister to me and hypn...

[ Continued ]