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White and Black by fisherwoman on Fri Apr 28, 2017 11:42 pm
White people think they gorgeous looking people. Black people think of themselves as ugly looking. Take a look at how white people are happy all the time and they are loved by everyone. Black people suffer from extreme depression and have a low self-esteem. How attractive do white people behave in public compared to black people? White people are intelligent to themselves and talk down to black people because the are so uneducated. Blue eyes are smart and black eyes are dumb. White faces are attractive and dark people's faces are ugly. White people are favoured all the time because they are like and nobody likes black people so they never get to be famous no matter how hard they try. Black people are hated for taking your black skin off you and making you white. White people are always sympathized for because of what black people did wrong to white people.

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Capability is irrelevant, it's about willingness by caughtinafray on Fri Apr 28, 2017 7:37 pm
Last night, I had a thought which I find sort of odd that it hasn't really come up earlier on. It's both simple, and quite illustrative. It's the fact that I'm not really hampered by what I don't think I can achieve. I've posted a lot about how I'm always bouncing back and forth between feeling constructive and feeling like death is the only reasonable solution. Well, I do have fluctuations in my perspective of my own capabilities, but it's really the product of willingness. Everything happens for a reason, no effect ever occurs without a cause, and as such, if I don't *want* to live, then I'm not going anywhere.

When I feel semi-positive (which is about as far as I ever go in that direction), it's enticing to imagine myself ignoring self-doubt and overcoming my problems. I *want* to be happy. When the absolutely inevitable descent back into anguish and despair comes again, happiness means nothing to me. The motive is gone. I don't *want* to change.

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Blossoming Femininity by AnnMarie on Fri Apr 28, 2017 8:03 am
I'm beginning to experience gender dysphoria *as* gender dysphoria.

I believe it has always been there, buried under other things. But, now that I've begun to open up to the girl inside, I am changing; and it's frustrating to not be out as a woman. I have moments when I'm irritable, even bitchy, and I have moments when I feel like climbing the walls. I want out; but I can't come out, not for the most part, anyway.

I am able to express myself somewhat, chiefly when I go walking or shopping at the mall. My ballet flats came in today, and I went to the mall to pick them up. I took my pocketbook in with me; this was the first time I'd done that. The salesgirl at the shoe store was not the same one that helped me make my purchase last week, and she seemed a trifle abrupt (I wonder why). Nevertheless, she was helpful when asked and even gave me a break; so, I can't complain.

Now, I'm just waiting for my bra. When it comes in, my outfit will be complete.

Except for the earrings I ordered yesterday! I ordered the greatest earrings. They were a little pricey, but too good to pass up. I knew that I wanted some dangly earrings with a French hook; and it occurred to me several days ago to look for butterflies, inasmuch as they symbolize transformation. I found them, and they're blue! Blue is, as you know, my color. I paid extra to have them expressed, so as to make sure I have them on time. I am apprehensive about taking the studs out of my ears – the last time they came out, I couldn't get them back in – but I really want to wear these to my appointment.

I've noticed that when I go to the mall I am identifying with the female imagery and the other women there in a way I didn't before. I am also constantly checking out what other women are wearing, to see if it's something that I might look good in.

I reached the 30-lb mark yesterday. I learned something very interesting this past week, concerning weight. I found ranges of proper weight for both men and women according to height and build. I'm not sure of my build, but I'm assuming it's medium, as opposed to small and large. Therefore, in order to figure out my target weight, I looked for the overlap between the proper weight for women and the proper weight for men; that way, if my weight falls within that overlap, my weight will be right for my genotype (male), and also for my presentation (female). It's a narrow range: 151-156. This is considerably lower than I had been aiming for, and it means that I've got nearly 90 lbs left to lose. I can't remember ever weighing that little as an adult.

I accidentally ran one of my camis through the dryer today. I thought I had washed only four, but I had washed five. It definitely shrank some, but it's still wearable. I love the spaghetti straps. There are different kinds of camis; but I knew I wanted spaghetti straps because they are so feminine. Having my shoulders bare beneath my shirt makes me feel so deliciously feminine! :)

I wish I had a necklace and a few rings to wear to my appointment. Maybe I'll go shopping for something early next week.

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deeper and deeper into the mud by wasp_rainbowarrior on Fri Apr 28, 2017 7:48 am
i guess it's time to stop denying the evidence and accept the fact that i am depressed. i don't feel miserable like i used to, but i got everything else. sleepy, not studying, messy sleeping schedule, binge watching series, sex compulsion sex compulsion sex compulsion. the future doesn't seem to exist unless the nearest one, that pertains the satisfaction of the sensual appetites. i tried to hit rock bottom today i guess by meeting this stranger but it was so lame that i didn't even suffer. a slice of pizza would have pleased me better and if it was bad it would have made me unhappier. it was just a pathetic attempt to feel something.

i started writing this two nights ago but i fell asleep on this point. i was so frustrated that meeting that guy did not make me feel miserable. today i met that guy i've been encountering regularly for sex and this time it was different. i allowed him to use me at his will, which caused me a considerable deal of pain (nothing extreme, but i am very sensitive) in hope of finally hitting rock bottom and finding myself so miserable as to once again stay away from hookup apps for some time. he slapped my buttcheek so hard that it left an ugly bruise and i'm pretty sure he did it because i told him about the guy from 2 days ago. he wanted to brand me so i didn't meet anyone else. i did not hit rock bottom yet but i don't think i'll be seeing him again. now for the second time in 2 weeks i got a sore throat. last year and the year before i spent a lot of time with a sore throat and now i'm pretty sure it happens as a way of stopping myself from meeting men. i also have a history of "accidentally" biting my inner lips or cheeks hard and multiple times and then it leaves a wound (not sure how it's called in english) and i also have to refrain from shagging strangers. right now both things have happened. my mother is worried because of all the time i lie in bed in the dark/ sleep. i'm wasting the lessons i receive by not studying properly at home. i hate this all so much. i just wanted to live my life without this intruding compulsion. i have everything it takes to be happy.

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Guide for myself. by LastStatement on Fri Apr 28, 2017 12:39 am
I promised that I will not share info with real life people unless I'm given permission. But the internet is ok, as it's anonymous anyway. I'm only doing this to keep track of everything and to have a central place where I can go to add things.

I still do not want to say "I have DID, or DDNOS, or whatever." But I will not deny my experiences. Something is clearly going on, and has been for a very long time. Before, I was in a tailspin. I was getting too much too soon and I had no idea what to do with anything. It was the "first becoming aware" thing and it was the 100% hardest time of my life. I likened it to opening pandora's box.

It's been a long road... But I feel confident in that the information I have right now is accurate. I am aware of three others besides me. Feels weird, but relieving to say that. My history is...ridiculous. But right now, at this exact moment in time, I feel at peace. Maybe because I'm accepting it, I don't know. But at least with these three, I will never deny their existence because it's so plain for me to see.

*I'll start with myself. My name is A1. (Not going to say our full names unless someone decides to.) As far as I know, I was the one born here. I don't like talking about myself very much so I'm not really going to say much more than that.

*Next is A2. (Even just writing A2 makes her mad because she's not number "1.") But our names both start with A, so, whatever. She is....a handful. More than a handful. I have struggled for SO LONG with her. But because of this, I actually would be devastated if she was no longer around (And I can tell that makes her glad.) She's also female, and a lesbian at that. She does not look like me at all, but she's quite pretty. She's sadistic and strong. I have constant power struggles with her and as far as I'm aware she is the only one that has ever or can take executive control of my body. She is destructive and helpful. She was the one to give us the means to suicide, but then save our life? I don't know why she does these things. She bought us a gun so we could kill ourselves. But then she got us to the hospital so we couldn't do it. Why? I have a love hate relationship with her.. She has given me so many problems in my life, but I am attached to her. There was a point in time where I couldn't even tell us apart. But we are very different, and sometimes I'm very glad for that. She has a lot of anger. She is very self-confident, but she doesn't obey the law and has some pretty nasty ideas in her head, which scare me. But I am so close to her, like the sister I never had. My "real" sister is not someone I ever got attached to. I love A2, and I hate her.

*Then we go to P. He's a friggin mystery, I literally know nothing about him except what he looks like. He is the only one that I've ever "seen." He doesn't talk, but I don't know if it's because he can't or he won't. First time I ever saw him he seriously creeped me out, and he still kind of does. All he does is sit there, smile, and look around. I feel kind of bad calling him creepy, but trust me, if you saw him you'd think the same thing. He's probably a perfectly nice guy, but until I know more about him I'm going to reserve any assumptions.

*Last is Owl. I don't know if Owl is male or female, I suspect female. I believe she's college aged, and she's so smart. Very analytical, technical, and just amazing. I think she is the only reason I have always gotten good grades. She's a phenomenal person and I feel lucky to have her here.

---

A2 picked our new therapist since she quit our old one. She didn't do it for good reasons (She only picked ones based on how pretty she thought they were. And they had to be under 40 years old.) But whatever. She seems nice enough. So A2 picked her, and then Owl conversed with her and set up the first appointment. She laid everything out super clear so that it was very easy for both of us, and we all knew what to expect....

[ Continued ]

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