Im trying to understand how to have plans or what plans I need to make it back to civilization!
Im in this room, Im in front of my computer screen, Im on a floor trundle type sleeping thing; I dont remember what their called; the fold out things you can buy at the outlet store!
I have all these problems with memory and identity and massive PTSD! As I get better dealing with a chopped up mind! the number one goal is; how am I doing in reality! thats the hardest hit; the hardest part! What do I want! not; how pissed am I about everything or the state of life! I know about the negative; what about having enough courage to go after what I want! How about the work necessary to get that courage! a plan to create courage!
Ive had 1001 opportunities to be with women; and Ive thrown 99% of them away! I have 1 million excuses! One of the big ones; the women; I did not trust them! they did not show me they could be trusted! they were the wrong people! Did I go out with the right people!
As I read the above statement; I know its not true! I was not man enough to go out with any of these women! I did not have the character for it! I can see this! I was 2 mature for mature women! they made a mistake! its really really hard to see this! I could not handle a real women! I cant handle a real woman! i cant!
However, I read somewhere about conditions; Im always dealing with conditions; and Im never taking any chances!
Who do I like; go for it and see what happens! However, what if I see in that persons behavior with in their last relationships; they were treacherous and un faithful; do I want to go out with her because she likes me and is cute; No! I dont! Im not interested in people who are faithless!
Do I look for the women Im interested in! no! why?, because I cant see myself with them because Im a mental mess! what if I told myself to see myself with them even if Im a mental mess! this is so dam hard on my ego; I cant describe it; is it better to be right or happy!
I refuse to go after a women; why?! I dont know why? I might get laughed at! I might be put down! I might not be the right age! I might be laughed at! Im a coward! its really really really bad! I mean, really bad! Im so scared of being laughed at; AVPD!
I wont allow myself to like someone; they might like me back; the what; I cant live in the past anymore!
Sanity plays a roll in all this! a sane person wants to live! I just want to dream my life away! and thats what Ive done!
Am I not good enough to stop the dream and actually live a life I want and go after it!
Is it possible to define a life based on nothing more then what turns my lights on; and leave the rest for the haters!; is this possible!~ Im going to find out! I mean it!
The plan is how to deal with my coward'ess of not being enough! even when women liked me; hot, super hot women; looks so intimidating it scared me to get near them; they were dropping at my feet; not one; massive amounts of them; scared the holy terror out of me! I could not stand the attention! my dissociative disorder freaked on me! I went into shock and became like a 3 year old and froze up! I always thought; these women dont like me for who I am! they wouldn't want me! Then it kept hitting me " they all ready want you, and theyve proved it to you"! I cant use that excuse anymore!
Why do I need excuses to go out with women! I want them in my bed! I just dont want them seeing the way I live because of my mental illness! I'm ashamed of it! and Im ashamed of what I have become; an after thought! Im so ashamed of everything; Im scare that no one will ever like me!
Nothing worse then putting out time for a relationship; then have a women go; " your not a cowboy". I thought you were strong; your actually just a dreamer with problems; bye!"
Im scared to let someone now what Im really like! Im scared... [ Continued ]