I am currently 20 years old and I am completely useless. I am struggling with classes, have no talents, no friends, no family, and no girlfriend. I also have no self esteem, severe depression and anxiety. This said I have never thought about suicide or hurting another. I used to have friends but none talk to me anymore and my family wants to get rid of me. I just want, anyone I can talk to because its been so long i'm not even sure how my voice sounds anymore, and my anxiety is so severe that i cant talk to a doctor, posting on this website was the biggest leap i could think to make so my only question is how can i get better because i don't want to be like this anymore.
I would also like to say that i have been trying, i force myself to talk to classmates, teachers, and i dont really get anywhere. I also try really hard to be good at things but i find myself to suck at everything i do.

I've just been...*see title*.

There's nothing I'm motivated to do. I don't feel sad, but I'm not happy.

The only time I feel is when I'm with others, and all I feel then is intense pressure to contribute, entertain, fit in, chitchat, etc. Then when I don't do it just right I feel like a failure. I feel ashamed and frustrated at myself.

I'm starting to feel a little bit more, but it's a gradual creeping sadness.

I feel like my heart's breaking because I thought I was doing so much better and then to be faced with this hideous apathy and ineptitude is so disappointing.

I know I do better with a schedule. This morning I decided to change the schedule around. It didn't go as well today, but I'm hoping it'll get better as the week goes by.

So, as I get better, I have to remember that when I was fully dissociative, I was protected! you could hit me with a 2 by 4 and would not feel a thing accept rage or electrical shock; I was so incased within myself beyond numbed out protective walls! How soon I forget who Im dealing with at times! As I wake up, many people are appearing rude! They are appearing worse then rude; and I have to wake up and deal with them! Im learning, I dont have to deal with them; I have to remember, Im an adult and I can ask God for help, to receive assistance in finding people and places and things better suited to the better new me! The old places of recovery working working at times; these places can attract jokers and not people serious about their recovery! Im not suggesting these rooms are all filled with players; but players come n go and it puts a negative spin on things! I have to remember to stop playing the working; I dont have to be a victim anymore! I have to learn how to not be one; I have the choice today!
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Looking forward to recovery breakthroughs! Im getting close to being free or the first segments of freedom concerning dissociative disorder and my inability to get physically close to people! I tell people about my victimhood over n over; exposer therapy! seems to be victim; its very slow!
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Opening up to other people; to women! ITs not easy, not at all! it takes pure fear; Im so worried that Im not enough; that I will be laughed at and dismissed!
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walking up to women; I feel like such a victim! I give all my power away as if they are all worthless and ready to attack! this wont work if your interested in finding relationships because it wont work! I have to open up; take more chances around women; im more scared then they are! Im not sure why I got a grudge against them or a chip on my shoulder about them! I dont think its real; but Im trying everything I can to make it real and keep that chip; and its not working! I think its fear and being un-comfortable! I dont trust women; I never have! for good reason! but what about the women I can trust! Thats the problem; it takes courage to step out and find them! It really does! its a scary deal; Ive made mistakes with people in my life; big ones! when young; everything was wrong! I was being manipulated and never knew it! and hated by everything and everyone around me and never knew it! I was led to believe I was in a safe life and a safe house with a safe experience; nothing could have been further from the truth! soon I would be thrown out or given away! So, I trust no one! Thats the old story!
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The new story is; I do trust people and I do give them a chance and Im working with the Universe and God to be around the right people! and I cant give up on this desire! and I wont; I have to keep fighting for it that much more; their is sadness and pain surrounding this desire; but I not dropping the desire; Im dropping the sadness and the pain; However, this will take time and work!
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The goal is a social break through! Im looking to break through from the C-PTSD controlling me and triggering me when up to close to people; the way Im fixing this now; take chances up close with people and see what happens! I have to get used to people again up close; and trusting people up close!
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Expectations are resentments looking to happen! when I dont expect anything from someone, Im not hurt when things dont work out! so; I have to really look at why, in some situations, I allow myself to have expectation of people I know cant live up to my standards!
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I was born into abusers! and I have to remember that feel safe around unsafe people; and I get what I get when Im around unsafe people!

Ha! In my previous entry I said I hoped to lose 30 lbs in 3 months.. I lost 7. Not what I was expecting. Oh well, at least it's something.

My NP said the weight is a mix of the Zyprexa and Invega I was on and that my body should be getting back to normal soon. It's not happening fast enough and I'm getting really frustrated. I have been on the fat flush diet for a while and exercising more, so next week I'll weigh myself at the gym and hopefully another couple pounds will be knocked off. I had a dream I lost 30 lbs.. would be lovely if that happened soon. I'm doing everything right- 1200 calories a day, 900 calories burned a week, no dairy, no bread, no processed food, hardly any carbs.. so much work for such little results. In theory, I should have lost all 60 lbs this past year, but have failed. It's these medications. It's just not fair.

I just feel like such an embarrassment.

I know it's not really practical to think that way, and it's not fair. But I do.

We have this new medical device at work. Today we were supposed to set it up with our first customer.

Well it wouldn't read the finger-prick. You only get 6 strips and we went through 3 of them.

I just felt like such an idiot. I was so embarrassed and ashamed that I couldn't get it to work right.

I hate being a failure. I hate not being able to do things right.