on Sun Apr 23, 2017 4:45 pm
im starting to wonder if my problem of not being very attracted to others is more of a not finding white men particularly attractive sort of a thing.
that seems to be the case as Ive been browsing different dating sites lately.
where i live white men have been my only choice, though. never had other options - as ive not gotten out much.
but yea. maybe i just dont like white guys.
Time for a roll call
on Sun Apr 23, 2017 12:09 pm
The last few weeks have been awful. It seems that since we started on this antidepressant things have felt like they have been under cotton wool or something and communication has been dreadful. Shortly after this we started seeing new T. We have been functioning really badly. We have been dreaming. We have three recurring dreams when things are messy. They happen in sequence and we have now had all three. Don't know why but maybe that is why this morning we woke up and the body was still sleeping and we suddenly felt the need for a roll call. We are more in number now and there is someone lurking in the shadows we haven't addressed yet. I think body has been too tired to deal with all this. The last time we did a roll call it helped. Don't know why we haven't thought to do it before. I think it is because it seems like nobody is in charge.
on Sun Apr 23, 2017 3:03 am
is the only one that loves me. Everyone else thinks i am like im a plague of locusts.....
On a whim
on Sat Apr 22, 2017 9:19 pm
This is my first entry I've always been fascinated by psychology which can alter the wellfare of our lives. But only 2017/04/22 23:57PM I've got an inspiration as if it was my life's purpose. I'm 21year old male with high school education ,with no money to go to college or university ,I've always was mad at parents for not providing for my studies ,but the real person who I was mad at was me who always choose the easiest way ,and didn't give a damn about studies in high school .I've played video games for more than 10 years ,as I was little about 12-15 years old I've had plenty of friends and still played with video games but in healthy number like 2-3 hours a day.But after I've reached 16th years old I became really into video games I've spend literally above 15hours a day ,and sometimes found time to exersised which I enjoyed doing ,but this was the mark where I started losing friends on my own free will ,I knew I was doing the wrong thing ,there was no abuse in school or between my friends I just loved video games. But It seems i only woke up yesturday and found out that these games are no fun at all. So my next action was to delete video games and all the clutter that was in the PC ,this was the first step second step was finding what to do ,and that I found out yesturday I wanted nothing which surprised me. But today I've found psychology even more diverse than video games that I've played ,yes I love diversity and change. But this is the first time I've made it to this scale in one day .I had read lots of information before and I wanted to find out what to do on my time instead of playing video games and watching anime or movies ,I even have restrained myself from masturbation for 2 days which is a lot when I'm at home.So back to information stuff ,I've found that best 3 things for me right now would be Psychology ,Memorization(my memory is f**ked due to playing a lot of video games ,hard to learn new stuff aside few articles) and lastly physical training from what I've heard this is very good balanced goals which complemet each other and are adaptable with other goals which I will have in the future.I hope I can change the world
42nd way to say the same thing
on Sat Apr 22, 2017 6:19 pm
It was less than an hour ago, I was lying in bed, mind plagued by a ferocious storm of all the lovely thoughts that bring me all the great forms of misery. Much of it is just the world itself... or more specifically, the human condition. I don't know why, but I just feel so "in-tune" with the bitterness of it. Maybe it's just one of those random fascinations we all have..... one that I certainly find counter-intuitively distressing.
I've blogged much less frequently here for quite awhile, and the main reason is basically because I've been doing the same thing elsewhere. Of course, for privacy purposes, I won't be mentioning where. But I do feel like mentioning that I've been in contact with someone on a regular basis since around new year's time. I submitted a post, once, about how I was in contact with someone online who I could consider a friend, and the only one. Well, I think it's safe to say that that's happened again. It's someone from a different country, who's about the same age as me, a bit less than a year older. She's this profoundly generous person, maybe a little too generous at times. I tend to feel obligated to return the favor equally, which can be sort of a.... task, so to speak, depending on how my mood is at a given time.... and I do that even though she's told me various times that I shouldn't feel that I have to. But, it's not like it's not worth it or anything, she's probably the most supportive and well-meaning person I've ever spoke to.
About the first paragraph.... there was a moment where I just felt really okay with death. And I kind of still do, right now. It's not making me anxious to think about it, it's just coming to me as "if it has to happen, then I'll just let it be the way it is." But now I know that I'd be leaving someone behind, someone who's told me more than once that she'd be emotionally damaged if I was to disappear. And, likewise, I know how I would feel if she disappeared.
I'm...... kind of not doing well right now.
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