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Closed doors by ringkichard0811 on Fri May 26, 2017 1:36 pm
From 6:30 AM Monday to 7 PM last night, we had been awake. The more fatigued I became, the further inward I traveled. I saw the deception presented to us as reality yield to our sickened, twisted mind as we had experiences of conversations with people that weren't there (nor were we sure we even spoke), heard amazingly beautiful music (our host is a musician, as was his father, both very talented and crazy) of the depth we'd struggle to reach willfully, heard voices, crossed paths with millions of shadow people, forgot where we were and this list goes on ad nauseam.

The weaker our mind and body became, though, the easier it was for me to explore the ruins of my host's being...as a human being, with a soul. Sleep deprivation is almost something of a drug / thrill for us...so much of our energy is expended by our sub- and unconscious minds guarding and maintaining these barriers erected by our brain, barriers intended to protect us from the truths we can't face nor forget.

The soviets implemented a similar solution for the remains of the Chernobyl NPP. Insulate against the danger. But like the concrete sarcophagus in Chernobyl, it doesn't remove the danger. It hides it long enough for us to ensure we have lined up someone else to shoulder a burden we are too afraid to carry ourselves. And the whole time we are looking, we are desperately telling ourselves every lie we need to so we can go on believing we are good people. Meanwhile, the void grows more toxic and dangerous, guaranteeing destruction the second its containment vessel is breached.

As always, as before, someone else paid the price for our weakness. Someone we love dearly. Our denial enabled us to believe she would "understand" (a pretty loaded term).

Denial, lack of accountability and a sense of undue entitlement are amazingly effective tools for propping one's ego up enough for them to manage while they do terrible things.

Who needs "boring," wholesome and fundamentally good qualities such as humility, honesty, courage and compassion? They don't get you what you want, when you want it. And dammit, life is short.

What a sad and sick way to look at the world. And denial is as much a drug to help us deal with the pain as it is a crutch.

Concerning drugs...we are drug abusers...addicts. Uncomfortable with ourselves as is, unwilling to adapt to life, bereft of the tools we need to survive independently, to create joy and opportunity and share it with others. To love.

We weren't always like this. His analogy over the years has been that he feels like he has just walled himself off inside a brick cell with no escape, that every bad choice was another brick.

And denial was the mortar holding the bricks together.


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I've Been On HRT For A Week Now by AnnMarie on Fri May 26, 2017 9:05 am
I'm a little blue today. The reason is a little too private to talk about here. I was a little surprised at the way it affected me, though; I wonder if it's the estrogen kicking in. I've noticed some other – positive – differences in my mood since starting HRT. I seem to be more easy-going, more ready to be guided by my emotions, less aggressive and more willing to let things slide.

I found out that HRT can make your scalp itch. A couple of days this week, I was walking at the mall; and, when my scalp started to perspire, it began itching like crazy. This was something I hadn't had a problem with before, so I searched on-line to see if anyone else starting HRT had experienced the same thing; and several people had. Best explanation is that it's due to the pH of the skin changing; the little critters that live on our skin are problem doing happy dances on mine, or something. It's temporary, so I'll ride it out. By the way, I also suspected that spironolactone, my anti-androgen (testosterone blocker) was upsetting my stomach once in a while – nothing serious – and, it turns out, that's a known side-effect. It doesn't happen often; so, again, I'll ride it out.

I left my apartment in girl mode for the third time Sunday evening to attend a local monthly transfeminine support group meeting for the first time. It was a positive experience. I got the name of a local primary care physician who is trans-friendly (my current one probably is not), something I very much wanted.

I've started a long-term project. Women come in all shapes and sizes, and in all degrees of femininity. You don't have to be girly or feminine at all to be female; but I am girly to the core, and I want to be as feminine in my expression as I can be. The best place for learning skills like that would be finishing school; but finishing schools for adult women, while they do exist, are apparently very few. I found one in Dallas, Texas, that is expensive and takes only 20 women a year, for two weeks in the summer – not what I would call a very strong course, if you ask me. There is also an age limit, which I don't pass. However, while I was scouting around, I learned about a series of books published in the 1960s, called the “Nancy Taylor Course,” that were spoken of highly. I investigated, found copies and bought them. Very, very nice; exactly the kind of thing I was looking for. They are very detailed and also very demanding. It's going to take awhile to get through them, but I think they're going to do for me what I want. It's very exciting.

I'm starting laser hair removal treatments for my facial hair soon. That will be a six-month project, more or less. Other than that, there's nothing new on the horizon.

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Friendship : DO or DONT by Weirdprincess on Thu May 25, 2017 7:16 pm
Hello guys. I am 17years old and this is actually my first time joining a blog and try to express myself through writing. During the last week i have been collecting questions in my mind and i can't function .My hope in values like friendship is lost. Nowadays we tend to create relationships with humans without getting in a emotional connection with them. People you have been knowimg for your entire life decide to show you their true faces the moment you need companionship the most. I have seen it and i think you might have done so. I felt broken , and nobody could realise that.. You put on that fake smile on your face and you realise you are such an amazing actress beacause you manage to fool them all. And when someone understands something is wrong, the so called "true friends" , out of kindness ask you politely what is up. And then you try to explain , but they are so lost in their happiness that they cannot hear you scream and see you burning inside. And then you get disappointed because you thought they would hear you calling, beacause you are the stupid one that with one look you understand that the other person is drowning and you take up the mission to listen to them and help them be happy again but unfortunatelly nobody does this for you.. I have decided to stop seeking for ''bestfriends'' because i dont believe in their existence anymore. There are friends with whom you spend hours gossiping and shopping but feel no connection when you want to talk it out. I feel like everybody is trying to exploit the others for their own purposes.. I didn't use to be emotional but now that they taught me I want a way out .. its too painful to see people coming annd leaving your life without the ability to stop it. Because there is nothing worse that caring without reciprocation..The weird thing is that kind of love being alone and safe with my own thoughts.

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-SELF HELP-- SELF HELP--- SELP HELP---- by KINDNESSTHERAPY on Thu May 25, 2017 5:54 pm
The following is my opinion only, it is based on my observations etc. over many years.... I am not a mental health professional (Thank God)....

If -YOU- have been involved with the mental health industry etc. over a long period of time, then you might identify with my past posts etc...
-Self Help- can be the answer to most of the mental heath problems that -You- are having... Almost
any type of -Self Help- that is positive will help -YOU- in your fight against almost any mental health disorders.... What do -You- and or your -Caregivers- and or friends and or relatives etc. have to loose....??? EVERYBODY that uses ACTS OF KINDNESS etc... will see improvement to themselves and or the person they are trying to help.... If you read my past posts -YOU- will understand what -YOU- have to do to -SELF HELP- your fight with mental health disorders.... YOU can continue with your current program of medicating yourself etc. and or try something that has the possibility of doing something positive that might help -YOU- defeat mental illness and or make your life livable...

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My Binge Eating Recovery Journal by justholdon on Thu May 25, 2017 3:48 pm
Hi everyone,

I am new to this site, but so excited to recover.

Here are 5 facts about myself:

1. I am 21 years old
2. I am a third year at an Ivy League college
3. I gained 30 pounds in a year. I now weigh 135 pounds (I am 5'1)
4. My hobbies are drawing, writing, and swimming
5. I will recover. I just have to hold on.

Feel free to ask me questions and don't forget to check my recovery journal and follow my recovery journey.


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