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unnatracted to anyone but myself by wasp_rainbowarrior on Wed Jul 26, 2017 11:27 pm
a week ago i was talking to my therapist about how i'm not attracted to women. then she asked me if i'm attracted to men. i couldn't answer. of course she knows that i'm often sexually involved with men, but that's not the question. more and more it seems to me that i'm just not attracted to anyone. i feel a compulsion to have sex, and that better be with men - i couldn't bare revealing that nasty part of me to a woman - but that doesn't mean i'm sexually attracted to men.

on the next two days i dreamed about women i was attracted to, and on the third day i dreamed i went to an orgy (i've never been to one irl, thank god) and there was a jacuzzi filled with people (maybe there were some women) and the water was filthy and absolutely disgusting. i got in anyway and there was a tsunami and so one. after that dream i've been feeling a renewed compulsion. yesterday i met a guy down the street but i told him i had to go back quickly because i knew i would regret it as soon as i saw him, so that way i wouldn't have to go through sex with him. and it worked, we just made out and now i have to avoid him until he gives up on me.

now all the guys i thought were into me are not speaking to me anymore and that made me very upset even though i know i would regret it instantly if i met them. and then i'm having this strong desire of being penetrated which is something i know i hate and is also dangerous because of hiv and other diseases as well - my state has the biggest hiv growth among homosexual men in the country. i got fired from my job but it's ok because i have many brand new money-making stuff and i'm actually making more money than before. it just seems that i have no energy now.

as i was saying, i don't feel attracted to any of those men i'm so strongly drawn to. it's something so much more egoistic. i only think about the thing they're gonna do to me. even when i'm masturbating - which i so very seldom do nowadays and usually when i'm very sad - i don't think about erotic scenes or people or anything of the like - that never worked for me. all i have to do is pay attention to myself, and so far that's worked better than anything anyone has done for me during sex.

i just hope i can avoid this new destruction compulsion i'm getting now...

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People are Liars by tmc115 on Tue Jul 25, 2017 7:26 pm
Ask anyone, "Do you hate me? Do you think I'm weird?"

They'll say, "NO! Of course not! A little different sure."

They are lying. But the problem isn't that they are lying. It's that the don't believe they are. When faced with an ugly fact about ourselves we always deny. 'Do I hate her? That's really ugly. No of course I don't.'

So you've never judged someone without knowing the whole story? You've never been behind someone in line and thought, "She is such a B***! I hate her!" or seen someone walking and thought, "He's a complete weirdo."

I can over-exaggerate things, sure. But I'm not stupid. I know what people look like when they are comfortable and happy. I understand the difference between someone is enjoying my company and someone who isn't.

Everyone thinks that they are going to get me "out of my shell". Like if they come up and start asking me questions about myself I'm just going to turn into a bubbly little school girl. "That's all I was waiting for! Someone to ask me 'How you doing?' NOT!!!

You want to be my friend? You want to get me to open up and be "normal"? Well I can't tell you how to do it. The best I can suggest is talk to who you want to talk to and don't worry about me. I enjoy listening to conversations. Don't sit there and wait for me to say something. Because I will, but it will be awkward and inappropriate because it's been tainted by the social anxiety I feel.

Try not to judge me for my silence. I'm not dumb. I just can't communicate the same as you.

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A rant on modern day comic books. by Tyler on Tue Jul 25, 2017 5:46 am
The rantings of an angry baker's free time.

Modern day comics, why they're awful

[b]1. Variant Covers[/b] So I recently purchased some Spider-Man comics. Dating from about 1985-1998. The issues were released, sometimes numerous times, and they all had the same cover. This series is called "Peter Parker: Sensational Spider-Man" It ran from '76 to 1998. Now, I didn't get the whole set, just the final 162 issues (our of 262). I went to look at a website online, maybe asking for the first hundred for a Christmas present. I see that they have started a second run of the series, and it will begin in August. I haven't purchased a modern day comic in a couple years. My comics are all vintage. I went to look at this, and I saw literally ten variant covers for the first issue alone. "LIMITED 1 OF 25" "LIMITED 1 OF 50" "LIMITED ONE OF 30" What the actual hell? Just released one cover! Maybe if comic books were still cheap as they were back in the 80's, then yes, release variant covers, but that leads me to my second point...

[b]2. The cost of a single issue[/b] A single comic book nowadays is either $2.99 or $3.99, or god forbid you have a double sized issue, then it can go as high as $8.99. There's no reason for this. My June of 1985 Spiderman comic cost 65 cents at the time. The story is rich, the art wonderful, and it has held the test of time. And you know what, there weren't all that many ads in it, either, which leads me to my next point...

[b]3. Advertisements[/b] Good god, there are advertisements every other page, sometimes even a couple pages in a row. This goes hand and hand with the prices of the issues. In my Daredevil comics, they use advertisements to build suspense. Usually, if the hero has a frightened look on their face, or they say "Oh my god..." to themselves, generally, something bad is going to happen. you turn the page, and you can generally see the surprise before you can read it. In my Daredevil comics, specifically the Frank Miller ones, you'd turn the page on a suspense moment like that, and then the back of that page and the front of the next one are both advertisements. Advertisements like this are smart, and add value to the story. I'd be heavily anticipating what happens next, but they kept me on the edge of my seat for a page turn. This is wonderful. They don't do this anymore.

[b]4. Glossy, magazine paper[/b] The thing I like about vintage comic books was the fact that they were made with real, every day reading paper. The art looks like it was done with a pencil, the coloring with a color pencil, the letters with a pen, like it should be. Now, everything is done on computers. The drawing, the coloring, lettering, inks, all done on a tablet or on a desktop. This leads to glossy, fake, cheap magazine like paper. It just takes the charm away. It fees like a corporate project more than it does an artistic team project. Very rarely does a John Byrne or a Jim Lee come across where they write the story, do the penciling and the coloring. Even nowadays, Jim Lee hardly does any writing, and John Byrne doesn't really do super hero comics that much anymore.

Yes yes.

0 Comments Viewed 141 times
kids by sabotage3 on Mon Jul 24, 2017 11:09 pm
today has been rough. someone in towns kid went missing and that scared the crap out of me. they ended up finding her playing at someones house but it freaked me out.

im so glad i didnt have kids. i would have been insanely overprotective no doubt. and if something ever went wrong i know i wouldnt be able to handle it.

that happened to my ex. he had a child that died. i cant imagine dealing with something like that. probably the reason he drank every single night.

plus. i was molested as a child many times over. it would color my views on trusting others around my kid.

those are reasons i didnt.

0 Comments Viewed 137 times
About suicide (just thoughts) by goth_spice on Mon Jul 24, 2017 9:55 pm
Hello to you, this will not be a blog about my struggles. I've come here in a more leveled state of mind, just to change things up a little bit. I still had the need to ramble a little bit, put out the thought I've had lately. And also, to change things up, I will be writing as if I were talking to a friend, a friend I wish I had, with which I could talk freely about anything and everything.

I mentioned suicide. Well there's been several events in the past few months that have touch this theme.

First, the so mentioned 13 reasons why. When I first saw the promotions for this show I'll be honest. I didn't want to watch it. I was afraid that since I'm not (was not) in my best state of mind it would cause some havoc in this little head of mine.

Well I gave in, and being curious as I am, I saw it all in the span of 3 days. Don't worry there will be no spoilers, but I could tell, from the rational side of myself how I started going down this hill that I sort of knew I could find. Yes. For me it was triggering, not in the "I want to do it" way but in the "I know how that feels" way. As I kept watching the episodes this knot in my throat kept growing and growing. Hell, even writing this I kind of start feeling it again.

I knew how all the words, as stupid as they might be, hurt. I knew that when coming from certain people they hurt more. While watching I kept thinking, this is the world I live in all the time. I have to say though, the scariest events (2 in the series) I've thankfully never been in, however my heart still ached for the characters and those who have suffered it.

When I finally finished the show, I felt empty. It just made me sad to see how ruthlessly portrayed life was on that show. I also have to admit that the logical, cold, devoid of feelings part of me kept thinking what I heard from someone close to me and probably most people. "She was just so dramatic and magnifying everything”.

Well the thing with these type of shows is that it is so easy to judge without knowing. People think that what’s there is exaggerated, and it even might be, but that’s someone’s reality. And no matter how much someone else says is not true, it is to you.

The other events are the recent suicides of Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington.

There’s still so much stigma in mental diseases. There’s so much judgment from society, even sometimes from people who have known the issues personally. The truth is that to truly understand the pain and the anguish, you have to have lived them.
There are people who are understanding without having living with those issues. People who maybe are trying to help. But it still is not the same. It’s not easy to understand, especially because those diseases do not show physically other that what we inflict on ourselves.
It’s not like a sore throat, where you keep coughing despite yourself. It’s not like allergies, when your face swells up and your nose starts dripping. It is obvious you can’t control that. But how to convince someone that you can’t feel “happy” because you brain won’t let you? How can someone tell, that the cuts made in your skin are a reaction, to control in some cases or numb in others, the void you feel inside.

I, for one can say that after almost 15 years of feeling this way, and despite the information out this days, it’s not easy to “come out” and say I have suffered from depression. I still can’t tell my parents that I can’t cope properly with what I feel. And it’s not about finding who is responsible. It’s just acknowledging that the problem is there.

It’s 2017 and people who have lost the fight (against themselves) is being called weak, stupid, dramatic, etc… Suicide is still labeled as shameful. These deaths are used to frighten people, not to enlighten them.

The pain (we feel) is real. Whether you are someone who has nothing in life, to someone who apparently has it all. The pain exists, and no one can judge how valid it is. You feel it, so it is real. ...

[ Continued ]

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