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Monday 20 February by Just Jeff on Mon Feb 20, 2017 6:49 am
Monday 20 February

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Thy will not mine be done.
Doesn’t matter what I think.
Doesn’t matter how I feel.
It matters what I DO.
Don’t tell others in the 12 step fellowship what you think today.
Don’t tell others in the 12 step fellowship how you feel today.
Tell others in the 12 step fellowship what program work you’ve done today.

Remember everyday: Keep repeating “God’s will” OUT LOUD as much as you can. Even if you can only whisper or mouth it. Failing all that say it in your head but whatever the case constantly keep saying it!
God, give me the power to quieten and calm my mind so that I can hear your will. Please direct my decision making at all times, because my previous game plan for living that I came up with myself has produced disastrous results in terms of my happiness and peace of mind. I want you to do my thinking for me, I do not want to analyse decisions in life anymore using my own intellect and thinking.

I offer my work and effort to carry out your directions but please allow my mind to hear your broadcasting beacon which I know is in my soul, which I will always be able to hear if I can only quieten the static and noise of my own ruminations.
God, make me an instrument of thy peace!
That where there is hatred, I may bring love.
That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness.
That where there is discord, I may bring harmony.
That where there is error, I may bring truth.
That where there is doubt, I may bring faith.
That where there is despair, I may bring hope.
That where there are shadows, I may bring light.
That where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

God, grant that I may seek to comfort, rather than to be comforted.
Seek to understand, rather than to be understood.
Seek to love, rather than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.
God, please remove my resentments and direct my attention to what I might be without resentment
God, please remove my fears and direct my attention to what I might be without my fear.
God, please remove my guilt and direct my attention to what I might be without guilt.

I haven’t updated this for a couple of days but I have been busy doing recovery work! I want to make morning meditation a regular thing from now on.

Yesterday I did:

25 mins recovery service
10 mins written stepwork
40 mins speaker tapes
20 mins outreach calls
0 mins recovery journal
Repeating “God’s will” in my head throughout the day: 5/10
Went to church
6 mins praying outside of church
5 mins meditation
0 mins reading literature

Saturday I did

Went to a meeting.
Some other stuff!

Went to a meeting
Some other stuff!

0 Comments Viewed 11 times
a deam by wasp_rainbowarrior on Sun Feb 19, 2017 3:32 am
i was waiting outside of a place. me and a big group of people i know but can't identify were going to go in there to watch a documentary. when we got in, it was a church. everyone including the father (the actual one at my church) sat down to eat a huge banquet but then my phone started playing music by faun (neomedieval band). i tried to pause it, but couldn't no matter how i tried. i noticed my phone was wrecked and wondered why since i just bought it. i evenctually managed to pause the music, but then the film had already started and i was the only one still not eating and standing up. i grabbed some food that in the dream was deemed japanese (i only remember fried eggplant?) and sat down. my food was not everyone else's food, however. the others were eating different things, because their buffet was on a different place closer to where the film was being projected.

that's all i can remember. it's the first clear dream i've had for the past days and today i didn't feel like having sex despite receiving many proposals. it's not the first dream i've had about being innappropriate in a church.

0 Comments Viewed 62 times
Women and sex and relationships! by OMNICELL on Sun Feb 19, 2017 3:31 am
When o when will this strangle hold on my abilities with women stop; when will it stop!

I understand a specific aspect of dissociative disorder; I can believe that the rest of the world is against me; and Im not budging until better people show up! Yet, no one better ever shows up! Im still to scared to interact! AVPD!
The point is; I stop in defense before going out with anyone! its possible I need to be around more educated people; this might help! Im on the verge of being ready for something like this; being around educated people! However, this is a huge move forward; am I ready for this?

I have deep set core defenses; man, they are getting in the way! I cant go out with anyone! or Im not willing to take a chance into the unknown with people I don't know! meaning, does she like me or not! Im scared to ask and find out!

My confidence is low; and the women Im around do not understand this! They seem to have no understanding of anything with depth; things like dissociative disorder! However, this seems strange! yet?

Im not sure who to date! Im not sure where they are! Im not sure! Its my next move; move into the right arena! How old of women should I date! this is another problem! As I get older you don't know!

Im to scared to ask anyone out! The women Im around; they are to murky!

Im Still a victim; I'm getting better!

I have a real problem with women I cant trust! So; its possible I need better women to associate with! Its strange to say this! I can see myself saying women need better men to associate with! However, when saying this about women; I feel selfish!

Im at the point of braking free!

Im in the cocoon stage of my recovery process! This means Ive been in the beginning sphere and as a caterpillar, I am now in the transformation stage; Ive gathered enough information! And as I transform; Im heading to the flying machine stage, where I will fly around and be myself again; free!

This is a time of mental thinking changes! Im using techniques to disintegrate negative thinking! this means Im breaking up negative PTSD thoughts and replacing them with new thoughts! So; my mind is in training! Im looking forward to getting better and getting back to being myself and not so freaked out around others!

I've been a dissociative nut case for most of my adult life! Im looking forward to some freedom!

Sex and women; I have the negative defensiveness about women and for women; Im afraid Im not enough, or not good enough! massive negative; regardless of whether they are attracted to me! doesn't seem to matter; add with this sexual disfunction of an insecure and immature nature; and things are bad in this area! I need to be safe and Im very intolerable! Im trying to get over this and want women back into my life!

I do not feel safe around women! Im afraid I wont be understood and laughed at!

Im not sure what to look for in women; meaning education level! I don't know!

Im not able to ask anyone out in a normal fashion! Im slowly heading toward this sanity!

I get scared of asking women out; I go passive and I hold things against the women Im interested in; I assume she hasn't a clue about my problems or the depth to underhand or care! I like her because she is cute and sexy!

The idea of finding someone with the personality Im interested in; this had not crossed my mind! to much intolerance and pain! However, Im heading in the direction! This area is warped and needs much work!

Women; Ive had a problem with being interested in women but cant interact! They seem interested; when it comes time to walk over talk or shake their hands! a strange thing happens! their body language has changed; the demeanor of the women has changed! She is acting like she is with the guy next to her! or she shows up with another guy the exact moment Im thinking...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 54 times
OCD *trigger warning* by starlight0993 on Sun Feb 19, 2017 2:39 am
I'm hoping to reach out to someone suffering from OCD - Pure Obsession/Intrusive thoughts. You are not alone and help is available. My problems began at an early age. Example: I would drop something and have to pick it up out of fear that something bad would happen to a loved one. At the age of 18, I was triggered into thinking that I somehow managed to contract HIV. The thoughts were constant and my brain wasn't able to dismiss the random thought and fear that came along with it. I began taking depression medicine and it helped me to completely ignore the thought and know that I was okay. At the age of 22, while pregnant, I had to stop all medications cold turkey. Not long after the same thoughts came rushing back. "What if I have HIV?" So I was tested and the results were negative. Then my new obsession began... "What if my husband isn't the father of my baby? What if I slept with someone and didn't remember?" I spent days in bed crying, not eating, stressed to the point that I hated waking up and sleeping was my only escape. It was rare that I could get a good night's rest. I stayed in a constant panic. I replayed thoughts in my head for more than 10 hours a day. I begged for a prenatal DNA test and the results proved that my husband was the father. I'm sure you already know what's next, I found a new obsession. I feared I would die during child labor. I constantly searched statistics, asked my doctor for an elective c-section, called him over the weekend to make sure that I would be okay. When my child was born I was so happy until the next obsession kicked in... "What if I hurt my child? What if she's crying and I lose it?" That was the last straw. I made an appointment to be put back on medications and I've gotten better. OCD is not fun and I don't think others quite understand the severity of this condition. Just know that there are ways to alleviate the stress and feel like a normal human being. :D

0 Comments Viewed 61 times
Skin color by fisherwoman on Sat Feb 18, 2017 9:46 pm
So these voices in my head keep telling me that everyone used to have black skin on themselves including myself. So why is everyone a different color now? It must be magic. Why do you burn in the sun? I don't burn in the sun even if I don't out on sun screen. Must have some things to do with the amount of melanin in my skin protecting me. I was curious to know more about why you have freckles? Is that what is left of the beautiful black skin that used to be on all of us? Why do I have brown skin? Too close or too far away from the equator? Lack of sun where I may have originated? I don't know why in the world your skin is white and you burn in the sun. All I know is the racism I see from pissed off white people towards black people. I was wondering what would happen if a black person tied a gorgeous racist blonde female to his car and dragged her on her face for miles and miles until she remembers her behaviour and slave driver history all of a sudden. I don't think she will ever stop being racist blonde in authority across the world punishing us for removing her chaotic evil black face and turning her into a blonde. You want to make me your slave and whip me on my back if I refuse to obey the queen? Oh no Blonde really is ordering everyone around under her foot in authority across the world again.

0 Comments Viewed 71 times

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