I hate my old blog entry. I don't even remember writing it. In fact I can't look into my history in comments because I can't remember anything that I wrote previously. I can't remember a lot of this last year. Really, of the last 3 years. That is very concerning to me.

I can't remember my wedding day, except for a few flashes. I DEFINITELY don't remember my wedding night. I don't remember a lot of my dating history. The main thing I remember before all of this was when I was about 18 1/2 to 19 1/2 yrs old.

Even then, it's spotty.

I'm sure this is normal. When I try to read about what I wrote here previously, I get a very bad headache and start to get panic attacks. Don't get me wrong, I remember some "glimpses"... like corners of pages. I remember the ASPD forum way better than everything else, but even then I don't remember a lot.

I'm terrified. My life is about to take another turn, and now on top of that I have this weird phobia of hospitals and my health that I never had before. I feel angry all the time, I am not as religious as I used to be.

There is still some of me here, but I feel... different.

I don't like this. Not at all. How much more of my life am I going to forget? What if I have a child? Will I forget them too?

Of course, with the health difficulties I am now having, there is a possibility I will no longer be able to have children. That will greatly effect my mental health.

Let's hope I'm wrong.

Xoxo

Alice

Hello,

I need HELP. My husband and I have been married for 3 years now. We dated before that and we thought we had a perfect relationship. He is everything that I have ever dreamed of in life and I was hoping I was the same for him.
Before marriage it was made clear that I was not a virgin either was he. Three years into marriage he recently told me he cannot get over the fact that I wasn't a virgin and that it hurts him to this day. (I should add: he was grew up in a family that values virginity and he suspects he is the only one who wasn't a virgin before marriage in his family ) I can feel and see that he is going through a very difficult time and it is hurting him a lot. Seeing that given me pain as well.
He goes through cycle where sometimes he is very nice and says he wants to work on this and other times does anything from insulting me and my family and friends in the hope that I will get angry and end this marriage.
We have talked about going separate ways but I don't want to give up so easily. I love him a lot and I can't imagine my life without him. But at the same time I can't imagine a life filled with so much pain all the time.

What should I do?

Well, I guess that I am just pathological. I guess that there really isn't too much that I can do about it--It just is.

People will always hate me and always belittle me.

The new phrase is "She looks different." You know, I just don't know what happened. IT's like aging just sort of *struck.* I was fairly decent looking until about 4 years ago. Now, I look nasty. Of course, this coudl be in part due to having less teeth, but yea-I look like $#%^.

At a meeting; When I give back what I learned yesterday; what the universe gave me and opened up to me; and I go to a meeting and I share it; and I give credit to the universe; THe next day; everything opens up for me; new information and I continue down my pathway..
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So;
At a meeting; The universe opened up an idea for me; a great one. Because Ive been in the recovery process for so very long and I continue to go back into the recovery process; daily and continue with my recovery; Today the universe unveiled something for me.
Because Im getting quite good at expressing my inner deeper feelings at meetings; Suddenly the universe made something apparent to me.
IF I can share my inner frustrations at meetings openly; what does this mean? Its like a self contained family system where I let everything out. Heres the question; if I can let everything out at meetings; why would I need to let everything out with a person Im in a relationship with; I wouldn't. What does that mean? Would I need to share shame and guilt and frustration to a significant other; actually; No!; Not at this time! NO! WHy? Because I have a whole regulated daily system for sharing everything; sometimes 3-4 times a day if I want it in the form of 12 step meetings; If I want to pull someone over and talk to them I can do that as well; or get rides to meetings and share; get some phone numbers and share...
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I can use the meetings as a secondary expression family system; a real one self contained; Ive earned it; and thus; the pressure would be off when dating someone or in a relationship because I have outlets; I dont have to load someone else down with my past stuff; only because I dont have to... Lots of people do have to; I have this extra benefit in life not all people have access to; Im very lucky. I get to express myself at meetings Im securely part of for many years.
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NOTE: This is not a new idea of recovery family being a secondary family; what is new is the level an conditions granted to me by the universe at this advanced stage in recovery of this family concept. Im at an advanced stage of development for recovery being a family system; the advantages Im getting are not something the newcomer or seasoned recovery person is going to understand... WHat Im getting is strait from the universe; these are secret insights for those ready for them or who need them.
Its not all perfect;
IVe been at meetings where half the room hates my guts because I speak the way I want to and about what I want to... Im dealing with demented people; I suck it up! Ive found that most people half my age; many of them; dont respect me because they are just to young. People in their 20's; many of them act hostile around me; they cant respect me; its just 2 far a drop.... No problem...
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This is a great relieving concept... The idea that the recovery process has turned into such an asset while Im in relationships outside in the real world.
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FIRST LOVE: The goal with my first love is to thoroughly clean out that garage; all of it until the windows are open and all secrets and resentments and fear and pain are gone... Is this possible; Yes! As long as I realize that an imbalance of power occured. No one should have power over me the way that person did; I gave them that power of almost life or death over me... If they loved me I was happy; if they dumped me I would kill myself; Thats to much. Thats God status level; or A young child to their parents status level. The point is; way to much power was given that person; If I lose that peson; it should be; I have myself and I have God and many other things in my personal life right now; no big deal if I never see that person again; And thats where its leading and I have been making headway; but I was really brainwashed; trauma bonded by this person. I dont think it was all their fault entirely; I walked into their life with the need for...

[ Continued ]

Adaptagens let's say aren't adaptogens and instead are biological compounds that adapt a biochemical process in the human body.