I called work yesterday to tell them that i wont be able to work today because of ligament damage that also kept me off work the night before. I am a casual worker at a fast food place. They had a go at me because i swap shifts, i wouldnt have to if they didnt put me on days i cant work and that are N/A and i am chronically ill and have depression. I someties cant work because of exhaution. I have told them about this and that i cant do anything about it, they just tell me that having trouble walking and toe to hip pain isnt a reason not to work. They also act as though i dont ever have doctors certificates when in reality i always do. they are arse holes and i hate them.

I have only one goal; wake up in my imagination dealing with my first love; who; in my imagination is standing in front of me. This ability for me to face her up close represents facing all people and places and things up close; and those things that have hurt me or scared me or where I was abandon and thrown away and disconnected from everything to a point of poverty... brainwashing that causes poverty; where I dont trust anything in society.
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In my mind; I have a love hate relationship of judgment with why first love; my memories of her; but in reality; before this love hate relationship; Their was no such thing; just me loving her and her starting to trust me because of it. I then later introduced problems; and that was a violation against her place... I took advantage of it and used her and abused her emotionally; worse then that; I violated her space like a perpetrator looking to steal something; cold hearted; I guess I stopped trusting her. But in fact; I stopped trusting; I stopped trusting her because I saw her the same as the step father I was forced to live with. And that was the violation; I was acting out or projecting against her...
Before this; she was my friend; someone I wanted to love. But I started going through more psychological abuse where I was living; being thrown away and no one loved me; nothing. So; that gave me the right to abuse this person? I dont think so. And thats where Im having problems and this is why Im doing the work Im doing; so I can come back to normal again concerning relationships and not act out or project or act the victim on strangers that know nothing about me...
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The goal is; in my imagination; with my problems; I sit down with my first love and tell her whats going on with me. How I was abandon in my earlier life before I met her and I have massive problems and I dont know what to do or where to go... I tell her who I really am... Im scared to death to do this; even in my imagination; Im afraid I wont be accepted.. Ill be thrown away again.
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So; the goal is; to finally sit with her and talk to her face to face and learn to deal with a relationship face to face.. Ive never dealt with a relationship before face to face. nothing; Ive ran from them or stopped them before they got started; for good reason; the people I was dealing with were filth trash scum... worthless. But the world might not think that; they would fit in nicely in the world.
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God wants me to finish this relationship and Im seeing now just how hard this is going to be; and thats OK; thats fine. It will take along time for me to call out to this girl in my imagination and then walk to her and talk to her; its facing her and working things out...
I had many many bullies disrupt my ability to work things out... I always had to run away or leave in frustration or sorrow or anger...
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This is really tuff stuff; but; all I have to do is go into my imagination and continue to say; I love you_____! I love you; I love you; to her face; grabbing her hands; even being on my knees; over n over n over.
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So; I get allot of anger thoughts... And I see her as the enemy laughing at me or leaving me or making fun of me or abandoning me.. over n over n over; like a critical voice. When ever I see her in my mind regardless; I immediately walk up to her; grab her hands and tell her I love her and God loves her over n over n over regardless; and what this does; I will defeat the anger part; it will give up and Ill go back to getting the kind of relationship I wanted from her in the first place. Its about having enough courage to love someone because God said so; not because someone in the external world liked it or didnt like it. I want control of my own directions in relationships. This means; I dont walk away; First; I tell the person I love them/
In this girls case; I tell her I like her. And I want to go out with her or...

[ Continued ]

My therapist said today was a breakthrough session because I managed to facilitate some conversation between her and Terry (angry teen). We talked about how my alters are very subtle, and I have a lot of feelings about that. I feel embarrassed about it, like if you're going to have DID you should at least be interesting about it, and I'm very bland and boring. I am nondescript. That is so kooky! The point is to get better, not to be concerned with the appearance. But I am genuinely upset. Ugh.

What a ghastly day! Best thing was to sign on to this site thing. I have been really cold and despite the heating, unable to really accomplish anything much. I feel as if I will spend the night throwing up as I have been bingeing.....yuck!

It will be a couple of weeks before I see the doctor about the outcome of the tests I have had, so I guess there is a gnawing anxiety there, even though if it is cancer, I surely don' t want to do any active treatment.....I am not that much of a masocist, I think, I hope.

Surely, tomorrow will be a better day....I should go out, I should do something...

Hello guys, sorry for my absence but between work and health problems it can be hard to keep up with everything Anyway, Ive been taking Geodon for some time now and honestly I don't know how much longer I can take it (literally and figuratively). Its made it to were I practically have to force my self to get some sleep, with out my trazadone I'm SOL. I honestly wonder if meds are even right for me? Is it me? Am I just so messed up that I cant find a medicine to fix me? I know none of those statements are true and a lot of mental health meds are trial and error, but I've had a lot of errors. In fact the only medicine to come out of all of this trial and error as triumphant is Rexulti, brilliant depression med btw. Rexulti made my depression less and really helped me out of the slump, but when it comes to OCD and Bipolar disorder I haven't found a med yet that truly lessens anything, instead I just get hit with a slew of side effects.