Last night was bad. Embarrassing, dramatic and just sad. I felt so angry and frustrated and lonely, i just drank. I think i had 8 shots of vodka, and i don't even like vodka. I texted one of my friends, because I wanted to cut really bad and i thought talking to him would help. That what I told myself, but really I'm just lonely, i knew he'd answer and talk to me. I remember being frustrated because he wasn't saying what I wanted to hear. But what did I want to hear? I love you? You're not crazy? You're not dramatic? You're gonna be ok, I'm coming? I don't know, thats my problem though, he was just being a dutiful and loyal friend. I cut once last night, *mod edit, 'on leg'*, but I really just wanted to know if I could feel pain when I was drunk. *Spoiler Alert* You can, and it only gets worse in the morning.

Literally as I'm writing this I'm realizing that what I hate about myself is my insatiable desire for attention. Seriously, I'm writing a blog hoping people will read it and feel bad for me and boohoohoo. Did I tell people about my cutting to "help me get better" or do I just want them to feel bad for me? Did I call him so that he could help me or so that I could know somebody cared? Gosh it's like I create problems, so that I can eventually get someones attention so that I can present an image of me to them. Gosh Im a sack of $#%^, a literal sack of pathetic, worthless $#%^. I don't think words can express how perfect my life is. I HAVE NOTHING TO BE SAD ABOUT. Nothing, but i just pull some pity party $#%^ out of my ass and cut myself to try to give these #######4 feeling merit, to make them legit, and their not. They're just $#%^.

I am a covert narcissist that had the fortune of waking up to the truth on thanksgiving night of 2013. I was fully awake and aware for 3 months, fully aware of my qualities as a narcissist.

I fell back into total suppression on Feb 26, 2014. It has been a very difficult time for me. I no longer have any feelings or thoughts that I had during that time. I can't remember what it felt like to be me, and the memories are slowly slipping away. I'm afraid of losing myself completely and falling back into total delusion.

I got to know myself extremely well during those 3 months. It was the most difficult time of my life, and yet the most wonderful. It was wonderful to be me again, to fully feel my narcissistic qualities. I struggled so much with self doubt, feelings of guilt for being who I am.

I had great difficultly accepting reality, that I could not marry my inflated self image with reality. I knew that my inflated self image was a distortion or exaggeration, but I accepted that it was my disorder that made me feel that way and that I could not help feeling that way.

How I felt as a narcissist. I was extremely haughty and grandiose. I felt truly above everyone and above god. I was extremely arrogant, my pride was extreme. I had a complete lack of empathy, remorse and compassion. I cared nothing for others at all. I was incredibly self-centered and self-absorbed.

These feelings were extremely real and very powerful. But I needed almost constant validation. I fought an extremely harsh conscience, that was very judgemental of myself and others. I had strong feelings of worthlessness.

I was very dissociative during this time. Some times it was extreme and unpleasant. It was like I was unreal, the world around me was unreal. It was like watching a movie and just going through the motions. It was when I would start having self doubt (is this who I really am? or I shouldn't feel the way I do but I can't help it), or feelings of guilt, I would start getting very dissociative and I would have to validate myself very heavily.

I was extremely sensitive to criticism, ridicule, rejection. I could not see myself as anything but all good. I could never admit I was wrong. The idea of letting go of my perfect, all good, inflated self image made me recoil.

I had every single sign of overt narcissism while I was awake.

I succumbed to suppression, and it was a very harrowing experience. Literally I felt everything getting pushed down, all of my feelings, and it all slipped away out of my consciousness. I felt very dead and lifeless.

I am leaving as much evidence behind as I can because I feel like I'm starting to forget. It's all slipping away. I am not my true self right now. I am a malignant narcissist that is a covert. My depression has returned, feelings of worthlessness and feel like giving up on life. I feel like a failure.

It was my hope while I was awake that I could begin to find some healing and ways to manage my disorder so I could stay out. My therapist is useless and has been completely unhelpful to me. I hate her for it.

I hated everyone and the world. For refusing me, not accepting me. When I first woke up and realized the person I was living as before was just a false self and a delusion, my first thought was that nobody would ever accept me for who I really am (my true self). Then memories of trauma I experienced in middle school surfaced, and I felt extremely afraid and started trembling uncontrollably.

I feel completely alone. Nobody in real life that I have told has believed me. It is frustrating because I feel like I need help desperately. I want to reverse this suppression and come back out.
There is this strange fog over my mind. I have none of my former thoughts and feelings as my narc self. I find it difficult to concentrate, I keep zoning out and staring off into space. It literally feels like a hollow feeling in my mind, like there is a chunk missing from my thoughts.

I feel completely dead emotionally. I do not...

[ Continued ]

Does anyone else get annoyed with the fact that everything nowadays has a label on it from clothes to health conditions. I am not saying labels in MH dont have their place because of course they do but it seems that there is a perceived "norm" in society determined by things like culture, and if you remotely step out of the norm then there is something wrong with you and you need to be categorised and put in a box. Reminds me of that song "little boxes".

I am just as guilty of doing this as anyone when making a diagnosis at work and also in my own life too. Plus I am guilty of have perceived notions of what a label means without them necessarily being right.

I wonder what would happen if we were a bit less hung up about pigeon holing people in and effort to understand them and instead too them more on face value.

Probably wouldn't work tho lol

Hope you are all well

Hugs

Cracked

I have been a Theravada Buddhist for 36 years, since I was 20. I am not a secular Theravadin, but a religious one. I think the preferred term for what I believe in is "classical Theravada" and this differs in many respects from what most Westerners and I'm sure most of the posters on Psych forums think of as "Buddhism". But I'm not here really to get into debates about the myriad schools and interpretations of Buddhism, just to share some thoughts about how my Buddhism relates to my narcissism.

When I was in my 20's, I was much more assiduous and enthusiastic in my practice. As time went on, I slacked off very badly, and my practice is pretty much just trying to follow the precepts and giving, i.e., generosity. Although I always hope some day I can get back to following a stricter path, right now, I feel I have to follow other pursuits. I know that most classical Theravadins would see this as the foolishness of Malankyaputta, but I must read and think freely at this stage in my life---other philosophies, other theories. So I respect the Dhamma, but cannot live up to the expectations of the Theravadin community as to how I should follow it, so I am somewhat estranged from it by my own choice. I also admit, though I still believe in it,, my heart isn't in it as much as it was when I was younger. I wish it were, but it just isn't.

I know my somatic narcissism and gerascophobia are delusional and bring me suffering. I don't defend them. They're deeply ingrained addictions I hope I can one day overcome, and I am trying to do that in my own way. I know, intellectually, that I am foolishly clinging to an ideal past I can never return to or experience, again, like some sad character in the old Twilight Zone series.

Another thing, which I think ultimately complicates my angst, is that I don't know what kind of circumstances I will be reborn into, if the teaching is indeed true, and I will be re-incarnated. Even if I'm fortunate enough to be born in the human realm, will I live a life of disappointment, confusion and regret, like I have in this one? What kind of society, what kind of world will I come to? (I know this question would be met with scorn by other Theravadins, but I'm just trying to bring my worries out into the open.)

The one who rejoices the Supreme Being, who is delighted with the Supreme Being, and who is content with the Supreme Being alone, for such a Self-realized person there is no duty. Such a person has no interest, whatsoever, in what is done or what is not done. A Self-realized person does not depend on anybody, except God, for anything. (3.17-18)

Gita Chapter 3