on Mon Dec 05, 2011 10:30 pm
HECTIC-NESS AND COMPUTER SUCKISH-NESS! I apologize to everyone for not being here in sooo long. It's near the end of first semester at school and things have just been off the hook crazy! I have alot of stuff I has to do, so I can't stick around too long. Will for definate try to get online this weekend! (fo shiz) But I have a lot of work to make up from my down time...
I had a depressive episode whateves-ness and I stopped doing work and stopped caring. That often happens to me around this time of year, but this time it was because I lost something that was precious to me; my baby blanket and my backpack fell out of the truck bed the night of Thanksgiving. I cried...it was chaos and hysteria. Horrible-ness.
Anyway, I'm kind of feeling better now-ish. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday, and hope everyone has a wonderful X-mas (or whatever you celebrate; Merry Chris-ma-Hans-a-Kwans-a-ka!) if I'm not online before then.
My surgery is set for the 21st of this month and I'll be out for 2-3 weeks. Wish me luck!
AnywayZ....yeah, gotta run and do my work now yo!
Are they red flags, or am I just scared?
on Thu Aug 11, 2016 7:58 pm
It's easy to look back at my failed relationships and pinpoint when things went wrong. It's sad.. I've had guys actually want to marry me (why, oh why? i'm cray!). I just push and push and push, and then pull, and push, and the go off the deep end "You're crazy, I'm out!!!" I feel justified for the way it played out, after all...it was *him* who had issues that waved the flags... I just happened to see them finally...right?
I dated a lot of "losers," though... derelicts with little life direction, little motivation, party boys, f#ck boys, etc. It's easy to date those guys... knowing nothing more *can* come of it. Start out avoiding the actual and just have a pal to party with, go out with, maybe watch some movies, have some sex... then peace out when/if it becomes uncomfortable and neither party is really worried about it. It was just "fun."
But then I meet someone I really connect with. While there are red flags... they tend to be the kind that OTHER PEOPLE (aka, non-avoidant peeps), would work through/around. Do I just lack the ability to do so?
For instance, I met a guy on Leap Day (Feb 29th) this year... at a bar... of course (that's where I get my social interaction, half-$hitfaced, blithering idiot style). He was different. I come from a small town with a lot of rednecks (country folk with little education) and he was 2 seats down talking to some guy about some really intensely intellectual topics. His voice is very deep, booming. It commands an audience. He's a man's man. He's great looking. He's got a tight bod and is strong. Muscular. He's affable, funny, has a great personality. The guy he was talking with paid his tab and left. And now thunder voice and I are there, alone, seats apart. He says towards me... "Hey, what are you doing?" I was texting on my phone... so, I was very original with my response, "I'm... texting..." He laughed. We started talking. A few minutes into our deeply philosophical and personal conversation he mentions how he HATES SMOKERS (don't recall how that came up). So, of course, in true form, I stood up "well, I'm going to smoke." He asked if he could join me. Sure, why not... come sit in a cloud of smoke, which you hate... He actually popped in some chewing tobacco (snuff). What do I care? I'm chugging on a cancer stick.
Our conversation turned to our kids, how we are both single parents, and the crap our exes put us through and what led us to where we are today. It was a pretty personal conversation. We both enjoyed it.
We go back inside, he asks if I'll come to his house with him.. says he's very proud of it. I was like, um... I don't know you... and I'm not going to have sex with you (seems in this town most of the women who sit at a bar alone are looking to hook up.. I'm the exception). He gets up to go to the potty and I ask the bartender (who thunder voice had several convos with) if he knew this guy and what he thought about him going to his crib. Bartender says he's a regular and is a good guy. Stupidly, drunkenly, I follow dude to his house. It's BEAUTIFUL. Well decorated (by him), very manly... very clean, actually (odd to find that in a bachelor pad). We hung out, talked, and hugged before I left. It was a nice interaction. We exchanged business cards.
He texted me the next day, asking if we could go on a date. I said sure. That Saturday we met up and went to a really nice restaurant. He was by far the most talkative man I've ever been with (quite full of himself..). I somehow was able to interject that while we were just hanging out, having fun, my goal is to have a long-term, stable relationship. I explained that for 2 decades I had undiagnosed hyperthyroidism, and since I had my thyroid remove the previous year, most of my anxiety, paranoia, tachycardia, etc had melted away. Thyroid was mainly the root cause to most of my problems over the years (so I thought) and now... [ Continued ]
on Sat Oct 13, 2012 6:42 am
Lisa pick up a busted up rough like back pack and stared at it, she had traveled around the world with this bag and now, now that she was home the bag was no longer. She sighed holding the back pack over the rubbish bin, hoovered there for a moment, then with a disgruntle huff "Fine you'll stay with me for a while longer yet I guess." she drew back pack the into her self, walked to her room opened the cupboard and careful placed the back pack under other things that she wasn't sure what she was going to do with.
The urgency of the phone's ring called her back to the world, unthinking closing the cupboard door with a bang as she turn away, leaving the back pack in an unknown place, in the dark and alone.
"Hello..............Oh Hi Mandy, listen I heard about the other day and if you need anything let me you'll let me know yeah?" pause "Really?! no, no problem I'll be right over, just give me 5 minutes to get some stuff together, it'll be cool like old times girls night" pause " You too see you soon Bye."
Lisa put down the phone smiled walked back to the cupboard, opened the door, she looked at the back pack under the other belongings that were evidence of her life's existence. "Well old friend looks like we've got a mission......" a cheeky smirk wiggled across her face "we'll call it Operation MEN SUCK." Lisa pick up the back pack and it was glad.
Tired of hating myself
on Sun Jul 22, 2012 6:02 pm
May I call you Andrea? Oops, I forgot a few things I wanted to share. I've been clean since 2003. Which is when I began to cut. The pain and guilt from looking over my past was so disgusting to me. Decisions I have made, based on self, and those whom I have hurt for same reason. I now factor in from what I am learning in therapy is that when you know better, you try to do better. Asking those we have harmed is not just for their healing, truthfully for me it has also been for my forgiveness to myself and for my deep inner healing. I have asked for forgiveness some did, some chose not too. I must forgive myself and that is a long, long process of stripping away the layers of what lies underneath that guilt and shame. When I came into this world an innocent, much shame and filth was heaped upon my little self. I was vulnerable, and now what was done and not done to/for me works on me daily. My brain was programmed by not only at times - a wonderful Dad, but when he drank, he at times was a MONSTER!!! Andrea, the sum of all the experiences you have had from infancy to present do not totally and completely define you. Your brain tells you these past shameful and guilt ridden experiences do define you. Your brain is at times a tape recorder and over and over your brain relives past. In recovery, we use to call what goes on up inside our brains without therapy and/or cognitive intervention "the ittty bitty #######5 committee" !!!!!!!the IBSC is that part of your brain that tells you all of the negative and harmful historical memories that you either can or cannot recall - define you. These past negative events do not define you, Andrea. What defines Andrea, and Patchoulijade, etc. is how we began to get clean and start to experience sobriety. I have worked my tail off in therapy. I understand that I have the power to stand in my own perception - my own truth of what and how I think and feel. Almost all of my life I was denied my own self-perception of anything and everything. I was told I was stupid, crazy, and that I would never amount to anything. I was called a whore, bad things were done to me.
Today, I have strong barriers and boundaries from those crazy people who would like to keep my brain "illogical". I am a free thinker today and I am open to learn from people who also too have come to the ongoing self-nurturing conclusion that there are evil and crazed lunatics in this world at different levels and degrees of lunacy. You must protect yourself from further people who heap more guilt and shame upon you, Andrea. And why don't you start little by little learning what makes Andrea happy? Do you need therapy re: food issues? If so, be honest re: pretty little size 2 who still feels fat and ugly. Someone, whom either you remember or do not, told you at some point in your life that your self-worth was all wrapped up in your body image and your weight. And they lied to you, Andrea. "Healthy" people love people for e.g. color of their eyes, their voice, their kindness, their humanitarism, for their cooking, for their being there when a shoulder/friend is needed and for a myriad of other non-weight issues. As we get older, our bodies do also, and developing now a stand in your own truth awareness of what your self-worth truly is. And everyone's is defined differently. I will never allow another crazed person to define me. Learning to stand in your truth will allow you freedom from guilt and shame, etc. and start building and trusting through a good therapist who will believe in your truth and perception. I was told for twenty years that I was bipolar and I was exhibiting bipolar characteristics and traits. In March diagnosis was changed to severe P.T.S.D., etc. ad nauseum, but no bipolar. I relate to guilt and shame and yet I refuse to allow another single soul to entrap me into believing I am no good. I am a child of God and I am loved and I am forgiven and... [ Continued ]
on Tue Nov 19, 2013 11:44 am
Hello, my name is Pepper ^=^. I'm 18 and I never wrote a blog before, haha. Today I woke up to an almost broken wrist because of a nightmare I had... Yesterday my dad entered a critical state, health wise. He was fine the day before but in less then 24 hours he became so weak he couldn't sit up and he became delusional/confused. I feel soon he is going to die, and it will be following the 3 year law. The 3 year law is a law that every 3 years beginning on the year 2003, I lose someone special to me, although in 2011 it was my fault. And I'm still not over that, not even close. I don't think I can withstand to lose my dad. I disappointed him and I still haven't fixed what I did or who I am. I'm so lost. Everyone of our family is coming to me for advice, to talk, for news about him. Because I'm the only one that has not shed a tear, i'm the only that has not fallen apart. Because I have fallen apart so many times, and so long ago, that now I'm dead inside. I started bringing Angel (My stuffed lion) to work now, and will take him everywhere, because he's the only one I can talk to and hug. I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder in 2010, in 2011 I was diagnosed as a pedophile (But it took 2 years for an official statement to be made). I've tried suicide, I've cut. I've lost sight of myself. Now I don't do any of that anymore, but my hallucinations are back and I'm scared they will worsen. This morning the bathroom mirror broke with a high piercing scream, but that didn't happen. Kenji and Gigi are starting to get to me. I think it's better if I spend all my time in Puppy Land, the only place I can be happy. My world is so much easier, it's better. I'm not scared of death or of living. I've reached a point where I have no reason to live and no reason to die. I'm stuck, I have no love. I hurt those who I've loved. I'm going to lose my dad. I'm scared I will break and do something terrible, I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm lonely. And I'm the only one strong enough in my family, who in reality is the weakest.
Thank you for reading this.