go to the rest room...that's what i need
but just don't feel like to stand up and walk
i think i'm just too lazy
i feel drained
why?
only God knows why.

i hear adzan being announced from loud speaker
lucky me that i stay next to a mosque
i said the word "lucky" in cynical way.
it's too loud...it always is

i don't hate the religion or feel odd about it.
i just don't understand why they need to built mosque in less than 1 km distance one to another.
with super loud speakers.

they said it is made that way to remind people that it is time to pray.
what kind of religious people who will forget their time to pray
unless they are being reminded?

seems that they forget, not every citizen is muslim.
not every citizen love to hear that sounds.
some might is trying to sleep because they're not feeling well.
who knows?

i need to go to the rest room.
but the restroom is kinda small.
i don't feel comfortable.
i think i'll hold it for a while.

but what if a war suddenly came?
then everyone needs to run, including me?
what if aliens are trying to occupy this planet?
and everybody is being abducted...
will i have time to go to restroom?

i wonder if it is ok, if i asked politely to the alien guard :
"may i use the restroom, pretty please?"

I had a dream last night about one of my old friends, and another girl who was her friend, and I, hanging out. It was pleasant. It wasn't in a mall or in a school, so there was no underlying sense of fear of being watched. It was just a normal sleepover. I wish I could have that.

I can't stop thinking about my grandmother, though. She told me "I have no sympathy for you. I think you just need more whoopings." However, she adores my sister. My sister lives with them now. Why do they insist on making me doubt myself? Why am I so #######5? Having to deal with the guilt of what I've done AND having to remember what they've said AND having to be around them in crippling fear is just too much on my heart. Sometimes I fantasize about killing them. I'd much rather kill them than kill myself. But then again, why should I have to rot in prison? My grandmother is a cynical old bat who's mad at the world because her mom was mean to her, and she gets off on other people's flaws. She finds every opportunity to say something, anything, mean. And the worst part? She'll never change. She'll just keep inflicting whatever pain she feels the victim deserves and smugly laugh. I hate her smug laugh. That she ALWAYS DOES. I can't wait until she's dead. If I'm out of the house, I probably won't even go. Nobody can make me. I'll probably have a party that day, to celebrate my freedom. My own little Independence Day. I don't care if it's mean dammit, she doesn't care if she's mean to me! ###$ her. I hate her. I hate her.

Haven't done one of these since 2014! I write to you from my job, in Boston! I am stable and fairly happy, in a good relationship and got wonderful friends who know and support our DID. Things are good! So yes, it does get better, if you work on yourself. Boop!

It's dawned on me that I don't know what to do in life. I'm not trying to be morbid but what is the point in living? All we do is repeat the same boring cycle. They tell me to make life an adventure and it’ll be exciting but what exactly is the point in doing so? It's the same perpetual cycle every day. People have aspirations and dreams. They discover new hobbies they enjoy. What if you don't have a hobby? What if you don't have a talent? What if there really is no career that aligns with you? If I don't get a job then going to school was partially pointless. Everyone is going somewhere and everyone has a dream. Except me- and a multitude of other people too. What are we to do? I just do the bare minimum of living and that's what I'll keep doing. Just living. And nothing more. Maybe that's why I have no dreams or aspirations. I'm overwhelmed by all of these major things happening in my life. Looking back on the major things I fussed about, I wonder why I ever paid them any attention in the first place. I wasted a couple years on some drama with a boy. I'm struggling to be happy. Why is this all so unnecessarily difficult? When compared to high school graduation, those issues seamlessly fade away. I don't know what to do and at times like these, I'm struck with shock.

I got to the dojo at 5:55am and came through the door with a couple of stragglers attending the 6am advanced class.  The majority had already arrived to change and get ready for the class but these two drove over in their gi's and were ready to go.  I was looking around for Daniel when Sensei Li caught my eye and motioned toward the office with his ever ready smile.   “Good morning Daniel,” I said as I stuck my head in the office.  
Daniel looked up and his eyes met mine with that same twinkle he nearly always had, “Ready to begin cleaning?” he asked.
“Absolutely,” I replied hurriedly, “and I want you to know that I'm pretty good at it.  I used to clean my grandmother's house regularly before we moved.  She even had a maid service come once a week when I was younger and she always said that I did a better job than they did.”
“Really,” Daniel said with apparent interest.  “So what do you think made you so good at it?”
“Well, my grandmother used to say that the reason I did such a good job was that I paid attention to detail,” I replied.
Daniel nodded his head in agreement, “I've noticed that about you while you watched the class practicing.  You don't know this yet, but the ability to pay attention is your greatest asset.  The cleaning up that I've got in mind for you is going to be very different than the cleaning up your grandmother had you do but we're going to work on improving that ability even further while you're here.”
“Well,” I said, “I promise that I'll do my best.”
“That,” Daniel said as he stood up, “is good, because that's all that's required in order to succeed here. In fact, I truly believe that if you give it your best, you'll far exceed my accomplishments.  Now let's take a walk and get started.”
I was taken aback by this latest comment and had to ask, “What belt are you?”  I knew that Sensei Li was a black belt and that he was Daniel's student so I was expecting Daniel to be at least a second degree black belt but was secretly hoping for higher.  I mean, if he expects that I'll exceed his abilities then I was hoping that he was a fifth or sixth degree black belt, or even higher.  
“We'll talk about that after school during your first lesson,” he said, evading the question.
We walked to the back of the dojo where those Japanese room dividers were, and walked behind it.  It kind of looked like a Japanese room.  Actually, having never seen one, maybe it would be better to say that it looked kind of like I’d imagine a Japanese room looking.  There were lots of plants and cushions on the floor, apparently for sitting on because there were no chairs anywhere.  There was a fountain and what looked like an altar of some sort that had some incense sticks on it, as well as a bunch of stuff that I didn't recognize.  “This is my sanctuary; welcome.  Go ahead and take your shoes off and take a seat on one of the cushions,” Daniel said as he placed his shoes on a mat to the side.
The cushions sat on top of some sort of pad or small rug; in fact, if you've ever seen a horse blanket, it looked almost exactly like that all laid out.  The cushion itself was about volleyball sized if someone was sitting on it.  It was round but a little flattened out.  I sat down and it felt a little weird like it was filled with unpopped popcorn kernels or rice.  Daniel sat on the other cushion facing me about four feet away.  “What do you know about meditation?” he asked suddenly.
I had heard of it before but little else.  I knew that at least some monks meditated but that's about all. “Not much,” I admitted.  
“Good!” Daniel exclaimed, “then you won't have to unlearn a bunch of bad habits and preconceived notions.  Most people have certain serious misconceptions about meditation.  For instance, some believe that mediation is some arcane religious practice, but it is not.  People from all religions and backgrounds meditate; in fact, even many atheists and agnostics meditate.   
I nodded, “I guess I'm gu...

[ Continued ]