a bipolar (??) stoner's first blog... randomness....
on Thu Jul 14, 2011 5:51 pm
.... so i found this site in a web search for bipolar forums... i read a couple posts by schizos who think their moms are spies and aliens are going to kill them and imaginary people push them down the stairs.... im glad to say i've never experienced those things, thank GOD. that freaks me out.... to even imagine having a state of mind where you dont know the difference between reality and some other insane world i know nothing about. but anyway, those were the first things i read on this site, and the more i began to read about other things... borderline personality disorder.. bipolar disorder.. antisocial personality disorders.. i began to wonder... what freakin category do i fall under?? a lot of the borderline personality disorder characteristics apply to me.. pretty much all of them actually.. i keep myself very isolated and appear to be very pessimistic and negative to most people. im very reserved and i dont trust anyone... and i'm always on defense, especially when im in a heated discussion.. one big thing i notice i do is if someone "messes up" with me i automatically see our friendship/relationship back to square one and my attitude completely changes and i make it very difficult to get back on my good side (meaning... if i have a guy friend, and he lies.. about ANYTHING, and i find out, i wont wanna be bothered with him.. or if a guy so much as attempts to touch me or say something even remotely sexual, i flip out a lot).. i guess you can say i make a mountain out of a mole hill 80% of the time. this surprises most people because a lot of men and women tell me im one of the most gorgeous women they've ever met and that im too beautiful to act like i do.
now, when i was 8 or so... about 14 years ago (i'm a 22 year old female, by the way) i was diagnosed with bipolar.. i dont remember if its I or II but all through childhood and adolescence i experienced rages, periods of depression, attempted suicide more than i can count or recall, went through stages of not caring who i slept with, rebellious behavior, and basically just being angry a lot. i was on medication from the time of my diagnosis to about 20 years old, when i finally took myself off everything (after consulting my psychiatrist, of course, and checking in with him every few months afterwards). i had gotten tired of the side effects mostly.. at age 12-13 i went from a size 5 and 135 pounds to a size 15 and nearly 200 pounds. those were some of the most miserable years of my life, trying to get my weight under control... and kids are mean... you know how it goes.. everybody picks on the fat kids and make them hate themselves. i attempted suicide for the first time when i was 12 or 13 i think... i think it was more of a cry for attention from my mom, who had remarried when i was 5 and her world revolved around my stepdad.. i only took 12 tylenol pm's but i got my stomach pumped and had to get evaluated in a hospital. those kinds of incidents happened for a few more years, and i gave up trying to reach out to my mom at age 15 or so. i was in and out of her house throughout my teenage years, and eventually moved out and was told i wasnt welcome when i was 20. a series of dramatic events occurred that lead me to texas, which is where i am now, and living on my own. things havent been easy at all, and if i were to even imagine what life would be like in texas 10 months ago when i moved here, i would never think it would be like this... it's not all bad, but i'm really living a crazy secret life.. i'll probably get more into detail in future blogs... which i cant promise will always be updated... truth be told, im a true stoner.. i smoke between 6 and 10 blunts a day.. i think it helps calm my mood swings down and kinda take my mind off things.. i tend to work myself up and worry and stress over little things..
anyway.. there's a lot more to me and why i am the way i am, probably.. ill try to update soon...
and to anyone who's reading this, feel free to... [ Continued ]
dreams memories and the trials of life
on Tue Apr 09, 2013 6:31 am
i feel like i've lived a hundred different lives cause everytime i look back in my memories a whole different person is staring back at me and i feel like i let that person down but i always knew i wouldn't amount to much and i always thought i was going to die young even when i was a child i knew my days were limited and i only could live here on earth for so many but i never wanted it to be like this but i never had any dreams when asked what i wanted to be when i grew up i always replied i'm not sure or there nothing really i want my mother always raised me less is more to much of a good this is bad and then all of these good things land in my lap is it bad that i'm a little cautious of my surroundings and the fact that i don't have to bend backward on one foot to reach it its falling down from the tree and i don't have to get a ladder anyone would be cautious but if i wait too long it will rot on the ground and become a lost opportunity and a i wonder what that tastes like moment it feels like theres only one option or theres nothing waiting on the other path anymore and if i walk down the path break through the thorns what will there be more thornes would i be better to wait and watch an see if someone else takes the thorny path or should i go and trim the way make it easier for people to get through or should i take the one that leads to the boat ad i can see clearly where that path leads but i don't know what is on the other one it could be riches and goods or it could just be more heart break and thornes and broken dreams or i could pull up a chair and watch my world go by not accomplishing anything watching people go fail return try again take one path or two find a way to break through the thorns then end up on the boat i can see many futures people falling getting up trying but what path will i choose or will i keep watching thank you for listening to my idiocy
on Sat Jun 23, 2012 4:18 am
Went to sleep when the sun comes up because I cant sleep at night with something banging on my tables, walls, and dressers. There is an audible noise like somebody is tapping or hitting objects in my room... this is not a hallucination as my grandmother has also heard these noises. In my opinion I have several spirits watching over me or being devious at times to get my attention, or at least my intuition tells me that anyways. I trust my intuition very much, I believe my intuition is a gift and blessing from God, just to give an example before I went to sleep I looked up my dj name in google to reminisce and to see what came up.. I found a picture of my ex under my name who I had to break up with because my schizo and other issues were hurting her emotionally and she was very withdrawn, not understanding or wanting to believe I was not in control of the feelings and symptoms. She was abusive of my feelings and were flirting with my friends heavily... so I decided to break things off to my much reluctant decision that I really was better off alone. With friends treating me like I didn't matter or saying cruel things in front of me, the general census is they wanted to believe I was retarded which was hurtful but alas...
But anyways I saw her profile was related to my name so I clicked on it, it was advertisement for the body jewelry she sells and makes as a hobby. While on there I saw a picture of a concert she had been to in maine called KahBang, and had taken a picture of the band Chromeo, something we had listened to quite a bit while we were together. Anyways I know that during the time she had been here to that festival, she also had sex with some of my friends who she continued to call me retarded ect. and all those friends I had all had just as nasty things to say about me. I know this because my friends would say, guess who messaged me, and said she was asking them where they were living ect. Also sometime last fall, I was hanging out with one of my "friends" and I heard a Chromeo song playing in his room and said Oh is that Chromeo? And he said yeah dude they came to KahBang last year, and instantly I had this flashback where I knew my ex had been there with this dude and several other people I use to talk to and were actually decent friends with before I met her.
I didn't say anything but kept my thoughts to myself.. now it proves my intuition had proved right after all.
So when I went to bed I told myself that I had made the right decision to break up with her, and to stop being friends with a lot of those people at the same time. Not knowing the nature of the issues I deal with they labeled me and judged me, and in my heart I knew that's exactly what they were doing, they called me "paranoid" when in fact they were lying and I knew the truth. So I am not sorry and realize being alone is sadly my best option to slowly fall deeper down the rabbit hole and drift into madness more and more each day. I do not fear the future because I can deal with isolation pretty well... I have been friends with these spirits now since I was very young and they seem to be the only ones who really know anything about me. People will always cast me out and say I'm crazy, but only God knows my real story.
I went to bed after discovering this stuff, had a crazy dream, only got a couple hours of sleep, then just started listening to music and dancing.. I could see a bigger picture as I lost myself and all my worries and concerns and released all love and sent it out to the earth and every forgotten and abused person and spirit... and I saw us all on a planet dancing together, could not remember anything bad every happening, but felt the love from God pouring out on us as we hugged and danced in spirit that was one big wave of happiness. I thought to myself that is my true family, anybody who has been cast aside, forgotten, abused or victim to the world they could not control. We will forget this suffering and be together... [ Continued ]
on Mon Jan 23, 2012 7:28 am
You know who you are, and if you are reading this, let it be known that this is my response to your "wanting to help".
I don't want anything to do with you. I don't want to talk to you about anything. For one, you don't need to know anything and you probably wouldn't believe what I had to say anyway. You probably won't listen either! There is no point in me wasting my time with you when you don't listen or don't believe me. I don't like it when I'm not taken seriously. It upsets me very much, don't take it personally, I get upset when everyone does that! But you cannot seriously expect to outright call me a liar and then expect me to accept your so-called "help" with teary eyes and a happy heart. No.
Why do I cut? I cut because I'm hurting right now, I'm hurting and I have no one to share my hurt with, and I don't care anymore if you think you want to share my hurt, because I know you don't. You're just like everyone else, saying things that you think sound like the right thing to say at the right time. I know that you think I'm lying about everything, especially the rape. I know that you don't take me seriously and you never did! I know that you would rather have me out of your life. I know all of this! So no. No, I don't want your "help" and I'm not going to tell you anything, or give you any details of anyone or anything. I very strongly dislike you, and I wish you would leave me alone.
Yes, I've been throwing away your letters, yes I've been being mean to you. Suck it up. I do t want anything to do with you and I won't tell you anything. Bye.
on Thu Nov 24, 2016 3:33 am
My macbook is about to die. um. Today was my first day on Ritalin and Luvox, also my first without Depakote. I barely ate, I cleaned my entire room, and then i impulsively hacked off all my hair. Long story short, I have a very short haircut now. But apparently ritalin is good for me because i get stuff done AND it kills my appetite.
I didn't starve myself on purpose, it just makes you not really think about food because there's SO much to do!!! I'm off depakote because over the past two years i have gained around 40 pounds because of it. Yikes. Now i'm gonna do even extra work to make sure that weight leaves me. I haven't been suicidal today either. But my mom is still a toxic ######6 drama queen.
she ruins everything good for me but I need to make some kind of evil shield heh
i'm happy, i'm untouchable. I'm also very schizo but that's nothing new. I didnt sleep last night because of the voices but hopefully tonight they won't wake me up. Thanksgiving is not celebrated by ghosts!