i think I am in a relapse. I had my first anxiety 'break down' last August, have been on antidepressant for over decade. I have been great on my Lexapro 20mg & Buspar 10mg daily. I haven't needed xanax in months.
I am getting this wave of ... i don't know for sure. I get bristling heat, like sunburn, across my back and shoulder, and can bearly keep my eyes open. Then it passes, and I feel ok for a while. Then it happens again. I have no appetite.
I feel like i am in a bubble, and i don' know if I want to go home or try to tough it out.

I am so heart broken, I don’t know what to do or how to help him. I always had my suspicions about him because one night we was out and we both got a little drunk and I woke up and my money was missing, I was soooo upset but I couldn’t imagine him taking from me and being I wasn’t in my right state of mind, I let it go. Then another time, I invited him to Atlantic City with me and my best friend and we was having a blast, the next day my best friend is missing money, again I couldn’t imagine him doing anything like that, and being we was with a crowd, the possibilities were endless, so I let that one go again, while my best friend swore it was him who took it, I got defensive and said NOOO way. Almost a year had passed since both of these incidents and him and I have gone out and NOTHING Has happened, however a few months ago he went out on his own and ended up getting arrested for stealing from a girls purse, he denied it to me, however he ended up getting 3years probation behind this. Again, call me naïve, I used all the possibilities to convince myself he could NOT be doing these things. BUT last Friday, I invited him out with my coworkers and I, we were all having a blast, drinking, laughing, just having a great night. At the end of the night my friend goes to pay her bill and realizes all her money is missing, we all going crazy, trying to look around to see if anything fell on the floor and being my friend is well known at this place we was at, the manager told her she could look at the cameras to see who the thief was. I didn’t put two and two together but all of a sudden he wanted to leave, and being I wasn’t totally coherent, I said okay and we left. Shortly, thereafter I get a phone call that he was the one who robbed my friend and they caught him red handed. I just broke down in tears cause although the signs where there I MISSED them OR rather ignored them. I turned to him and went off, I couldn’t stop crying and he looked at me and I saw in his eyes at that very moment, he had a problem. I know this man, he is a great guy, whom I’ve known for a little over 7yrs. He has had a rough life but I know in my heart he doesn’t steal just to steal, I know something is seriously wrong with him. He dropped to the floor and told me he didn’t recall doing it (the cameras don’t lie), he in turn went to the atm and gave me the money I told him was missing. I left and went home, the next day he texted me swearing he doesn’t recall doing this, and that he is so sorry and more so for losing me. I came to work and did some research and he fits all the sign of Kleptomaniac. He doesn’t want to talk to me as he is so embarrassed, however I reached out to his sister and we are both so lost because we don’t know how to help him but we are so afraid of what will happened to him if we don’t try to help him. What do I do?

Today dragged very heavy on me. Whats the point of focusing on the negative? It just drives you deeper into your hole. There are some new skills for dealing with my moods that I learned today.

I really hope they will help me out of this funk Ive been in. If this works then I can motivate myself to get into a trade school. Start making an actual career. Have something to look foward to when I wake up.

Theres so much to do, and Ive just been letting it go by. Soon, though, very soon, there will be a bounce back. A change is coming. In time I can become myself again.

I'm surprised anyone is reading these entries. Please don't think I'm seeking attention. I simply have to express these things publicly, somewhere, and it's the only safe space I know. Somewhere, I have to shout to the universe, "This is me! I am here!" and, here, I can do this, at least for now.

This program began with feelings of excitement and anticipation. It has begun to take on a life of its own, however, and my attitude is becoming a lot more serious. I'm changing, and I'm losing control of the process. I believe that's necessary; but that doesn't make it any less scary.

Monday was the first day of Spring – Ostara, if you believe that sort of thing – and I started my weight-loss program. I’ve lost a great deal of weight before – more than I need to lose now – so all I need is self-discipline. Cutting calories and exercise are the keys to success; but I’ve learned that it often takes more motivation than the dream of losing weight to stay the course. The last time, I made a sacred vow. This time, I’m older, and going without food is harder. I’m leery of taking the sacred vow route, because I don’t know if I’d be able to keep it. So, it’s my dream of getting new clothes – men’s for the body, and women’s for the soul – that hopefully will help me keep my commitment.

Exercise is mostly walking, although I also have a job that requires some physical exertion; and that helps. Sometimes I walk at one of the malls in this area. On Tuesday, I did that; and it was interesting seeing the women’s clothing on display with new eyes. To be honest, I didn’t care for much of it: too ostentatious. I did a double-take at the Birkenstocks in one of the display windows; but I could never wear them. These old feet are no longer appropriate for public display. Although, with socks, ….

I actually practiced lowering my center of gravity when I went walking. I don't know if I attracted attention, because I didn't make eye contact with anyone. I did hear a titter from someone shortly after I passed them, but it may have had nothing to do with me. Truthfully, at this point, I'm sufficiently overweight that any unusual sway of the hips might simply look like a fat man's waddle.

Someone sent me a private message this week, asking me what sort of woman the lesbian within me found attractive; and I was surprised to discover that the answer is not what I would have thought. I’ve always imagined myself a “lipstick lesbian,” attracted to the same; but upon reflection I realized that I find the more androgynous look much more attractive. The kind of woman who favors that style draws me like a moth to a flame. (And, yes, I, too, want to sleep with Shane.) That’s the sort of woman it’s worth being pretty for. I don’t find butch women attractive; that’s not a criticism, it’s just a fact about me. There are some butch lesbians I like as people. I know one IRL, though she hasn’t the faintest clue about me; and a certain film director is another.

Feminine expression is emerging from me unbidden. It’s mostly gradual, but occasionally something will just jump out. How long until I get caught by someone who knows me? When I'm at home, I find myself sashaying around the apartment; sometimes, *not* sashaying feels positively unnatural. At home, I am also finding my speech patterns changing, largely on their own – and, yes, I talk to myself. I'm guessing that, at home, I feel free to express myself without constant self-monitoring, so these tendencies are expressing themselves more easily.

There is this terribly feminine spirit inside me, and it's coming out. I didn't realize how feminine it was. I think I may have started an avalanche.

A dear friend gave me a very valuable gift recently.
It is a CD with the title "FINDING EMPOWERMENT THROUGH POSITIVE SELF-TALK".
As I listened to these life-changing words, I started making a summary of the most important parts, and the link to this article is here...
http://www.psychforums.com/generalized-anxiety/topic111743.html
This has helped to build and further my relationship with myself.