I want this to stop. I just want it to stop. I don't know what to do. I just hurt and I want it to stop. I'm also keeping in so much ######6 anger. I'm constantly flipping between anger and hopeless depression. I can not express this anger and it's driving me ###$ CRAZY. I am invalidated and ######6 not listened to and always the bad guy. I can't even ######6 move. I'm being bullied. I can't express my emotions cause my emotions are wrong. People are treating me like I am a piece of ######6 $#%^ on the ground. MY EMOTIONS ARE ###$ WRONG... I HAVE TO SIT HERE AND PRETEND TO BE OK BECAUSE I AM NOT ALLOWED TO FEEL ######6 DEPRESSED OR SAD OR ANGRY!!!!! HOW DARE IIIIIIII FEEL ANGRY!!!!! I FEEL LIKE IM GOING TO END UP HURTING SOMEONE ELSE OR HURTING MYSELF. I'M LIKE A ######6 CAGED LION. NOT JUST CAGED BUT MY LIMBS ARE TIED TO THE GROUND AND MY MOUTH IS GLUED TOGETHER SO I CAN NOT EVEN ROAR!!!!!!

I just want to get ######6 drunk, ######6 absolutely pissed, I wana go crazy. I'm holding in S O M U C H. I'm going to end up hurting someone else or hurting myself. I'm gunna end up having a breakdown. MY EVERY MOVE IS CONTROLLED. MY EVERY ######6 MOVEEEEE.

Win ! (i've finally found the right button to post something =_=")


hello and welcome! i'm hoping that this thread will be helpful to anyone new to this forum, anyone seeking advice/help, and anyone who has questions about DID/DID-related stuff! there will be threads listed that i hope are helpful to you all!

this thread has DID/DDNOS-1 resource websites along with organized threads from this forum that discuss discovery experiences, wondering if you have DID, symptoms (including hearing voices, hallucinations, etc), common questions, communication with alters, all about alters, switching, about inner worlds, memory issues, relationship stuff, doubt/denial issues, therapy issues, conflicts within the system, understanding alters, and much more:

-- DDNOS/DID Resources: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic100829.html




this thread focuses on the "causes" of DID, DID development, switching/co-consciousness/co-hosting (what they are and can be like), doubt/denial, polyfragmented systems, and has a couple good threads on communicating/accepting/understanding/working with alters:

-- For all who question how they have DID/think their's is odd: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic104081.html





and then these threads are threads i thought would be helpful in general to people, covering a variety of topics, questions, etc.! (the url limit for posting is 50, so i'm going to try to be breaking this up a bit into separate posts on here).


***first, i'd like to address a topic i know people commonly ask for help/advice with, discussing how to share with/talk to people about having DID/DDNOS-1. here are some threads that might be helpful with that***:

** How do you tell someone you have DID?: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic71699.html


** How to talk to others (about having DID): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic102181.html


** Coming out to my parents: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic105027.html


** Coming out, disclosing to people in our lives: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic73586.html
-- Dissociative Experiences Scale: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic65082.html


-- ANPs, EPs, and tertiary dissociation:
http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic102340.html


-- DID or DDNOS, the perpetual question:
http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic72256.html


-- Check in: Multidimensional Inventory of Dissociation: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic75225.html


-- Coping with trauma related dissociation workbook: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic103768.html


-- How do you know if you have DID?:
http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic107143.html


-- WTF- is this contagious?:
http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic105382.html


-- Am I at risk?/Just need people to talk to (discusses wondering/suspicious of having DID/DDNOS-1, and wondering if people can "make" themselves seem to have DID by reading about it too much, etc): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic108734.html


-- How aware are other personalities aware of each other? (*possible trigger:...

[ Continued ]

Today Koshka's world is sunshiny. Literally and figuratively.

Got up today at 8am with a spring in my step, worked on my midterm essays, then hopped off to the pool to lounge my lizard rear and soak up some of the vitamin D outside my door today. Can tell the hormone surge has retreated... I'm in an almost elated state. Not manic or hypo, as I usually don't experience that unless unmedicated, which I'm not. Just "bouncy," I'd say. Hate how the mood fluctuates like this based upon my hormone levels, but must admit that I do like the bubbliness that I feel for about 3 days after the end of my cycle. Wish there was a way to keep that feeling going inside my body... it's a very happy place and wish I was like this all the time.

The doggies have calmed down a bit, as they seem to be getting used to being "a pack." The first two days of doggie visits turn my two little fur kids into little spazmoids and they run around like they're on a crack high. All members of the pack are now contented, whittling away on their newest chewies that I just doled out.

Haven't felt much like eating the past few days. The week leading up to my cycle is what I refer to as my "eat the walls down" days where I get massive cravings for all forms of crap food and don't usually remember why the hell I'm wanting to eat dinners consisting of noodles or bread or potatoes until about 3 days into food-fest week. After the cycle, I swing to the other pole... not caring if I eat at all. Then when "happy days" return to me, I begin to want to eat like a normal person. Today I busted out the watermelon and pineapple (satiates the sweets cravings), am going to have bbq ribs and corn left over from the other night, and am defrosting a steak to toss on the grill tomorrow... mmmmmm... charred meat..... mmmmmm. I'm def a carnivore... would fail miserably as a vegetarian (even tho I eat tons of veggies) as I MUST have charred meat. Firm believer in protein, am I.

So that's the blather for today. Nothing fab... just finally shook off the lay-around fatassery I've been engaging in for the last week and snapped back like the rubberband I seem to be.

Looking at my toes... pogs need painted... looking like mountain lion chewed on them... time for some pog-maintenance. Maybe I shall top today off with a pedi... or do that tomorrow morning. I find that relaxing and fun.

Hope you all are having a nice weekend!
Sunshine to yooz all!!

-Koshka

If your house is in full flames engulfed by the fire, then a little bucket of water isn`t going to be enough.

I "talked" to a psychologist student in a forum, it was so good to meet someone in that branch who got deep psychology. My impression is that a lot of psychologist students are people who want to study about the mind, and people who want a higher education so they can get more money. Also the idea of understanding behaviour is also something that interests a lot of younger people.

Also i think that some of the people who chose that study are people who maybe really wanted to be doctors but didn`t like the sight of blood?

Some people who study psychology have been thru bad things themselves and therefore uses the study not only to help others but also themselves.

I don`t see anything bad in studying psychology but i see a lot of contrasts between the professionals.

Some do everything after the book and some are professionals.

Last night was bad. Embarrassing, dramatic and just sad. I felt so angry and frustrated and lonely, i just drank. I think i had 8 shots of vodka, and i don't even like vodka. I texted one of my friends, because I wanted to cut really bad and i thought talking to him would help. That what I told myself, but really I'm just lonely, i knew he'd answer and talk to me. I remember being frustrated because he wasn't saying what I wanted to hear. But what did I want to hear? I love you? You're not crazy? You're not dramatic? You're gonna be ok, I'm coming? I don't know, thats my problem though, he was just being a dutiful and loyal friend. I cut once last night, *mod edit, 'on leg'*, but I really just wanted to know if I could feel pain when I was drunk. *Spoiler Alert* You can, and it only gets worse in the morning.

Literally as I'm writing this I'm realizing that what I hate about myself is my insatiable desire for attention. Seriously, I'm writing a blog hoping people will read it and feel bad for me and boohoohoo. Did I tell people about my cutting to "help me get better" or do I just want them to feel bad for me? Did I call him so that he could help me or so that I could know somebody cared? Gosh it's like I create problems, so that I can eventually get someones attention so that I can present an image of me to them. Gosh Im a sack of $#%^, a literal sack of pathetic, worthless $#%^. I don't think words can express how perfect my life is. I HAVE NOTHING TO BE SAD ABOUT. Nothing, but i just pull some pity party $#%^ out of my ass and cut myself to try to give these #######4 feeling merit, to make them legit, and their not. They're just $#%^.