I've had a lot of cases where I feel pretty sure there may be an alter I don't know about and I write down the details. Often it starts with the vaguest sense of another someone and I quickly get a name. Like it just pops into my head or I start hearing a bunch of sounds like the name. When I get a focus on the name, an ownership of it, discovering a new alter may happen shortly after. Other times I'll go looking for someone new based on a behavior I realize is odd or could indicate an alter.

Some of us have been really difficult to distinguish from known alters. Me, John, the one of us who does many if not most of our posts, wasn't even aware I was a distinct alter from our primary social/work host Johnny. I myself didn't seem to know about me (at least as an independent alter) until a couple years ago!

Given that many of us been co-conscious with each other for probably decades if not always, how were we supposed to know that we had DID and that we technically weren't the same person (okay, technically we ARE the same person). Yes, I can see it very plainly in hindsight and there are clues all over my journaling and from prior posts here. For example, alters kept referring to "John" but we didn't have anyone named that specifically, we just figured they meant Johnny or the collective body, since the birth name is John. We still don't know if they were referring to me per se.

I would for years watch myself pull off social feats that I myself couldn't imagine doing. I would watch and think thoughts like "how am I doing this, chatting so comfortably and fluidly in this situation?" while Johnny just kept going. I was present, I was watching, it was absolutely normal for me to do that. We had no idea about the DID. How were we supposed to figure it out? We just swapped places as necessary and our memory of each other's escapades weren't as crisp as other memories (of our own escapades) but there was no black out, no amnesia between us.

On Ryder's part, there were thoughts along the lines of "why am I being so smarmy, so warm to this person who I couldn't care less about?" when Johnny or I were out. He wasn't sitting there thinking "well, I'm a different alter, that's why." Dissociative Identify Disorder doesn't work like that for many if not most people.

So back to the point of this blog entry. We have a sense there may be a Hoyt or a Coit who keeps us busy at night and on weekends but not with things we need to get done. He seems like one of the country boys in our system but we might only see that if he fronts entirely on his own. From my POV, he wastes time but he certainly seems chill. We laid this all on Mick but it's possible Mick does more compulsively repetitive things in times of higher anxiety? We just don't know. If he's here, he may be an adult somewhere in his 30s? What if he's not an alter, why do I sense even this much?

Jeez, there's another sensed alter but for the life of me I can't recall either the name or a reason for being in our system. Something about eating or sleeping maybe? I think I'll add to this blog entry by posting replies, much as our blog post "Summary of who we are" lists everyone we knew about in Dec 2016 but adds a new for everyone we've discovered since.

Stop drinking wine
Stop having a messy house
Stop sitting on my arse surfing the web
Stop bitching about my mother
Stop laughing at inappropriate things
Stop having a dark sense of humour
Stop going to the shop in my PJs without a bra on

Anyone care to add theirs?

Have a good day all

hugs

Cracked

I was thinking about why I blog and what I am doing it for.

I think it is self centredly mainly for me. Since I was little I have kept a diary and I view blogging in a similar way. I write what is going on in my life and when I read it back later it reminds me of where i was at a certain point in my life.

I think that is why I am maybe more open than i should be - because I look on it like a diary. I know here is anonymous but I do sometimes wonder if I have said too much, but I also know I do have boundaries and there are somethings I would not say.

I also make myself do it even if I am feeling crap because I think it is important to capture how I was feeling at that time as well as when things are better.

Do I do it because ppl read it? To some extent yes and I am so grateful to anyone who reads the mundane drivel that comes out of my head. But I think I would still do it anyhow. But there must be something wonderful about the support i get from ppl here as it encourages me to keep going - so thank you.

So I am curious about you all. Why do you blog and why do you read ppls' blogs?

Cracked

So saw GMC guy yesterday

It was difficult. I saw him at the new place for the first time. It was where I was admitted this time a year ago after a big overdose. At the time I was on constant one to one obs and I this really triggered me yesterday. It made me want to cut and overdose so someone could look after my safety and I would not have to do it. I didnt - I was sensible and looked after myself but it was not easy. I did not think it was going to trigger me as much as it did - maybe it is because it is exactly a year ago.

The meeting went as well as it could I suppose. He said he thought I was doing well and we talked about spirituality a lot which was interesting. But he asked me again if I wanted to remove my name from the register voluntarily to which I said no. He said again it would be at least a year before RTW - he always seems to say that - when does this year start??? He was also talking about specialities and thinks I would be better doing something "less stressful". I love "stressful" stuff such as anaesthetics and acute medicine or cardiology and he seemed to think I would be better suited to something like psychiatry because he feels stress "triggers" me. I would sooner eat my own eyeballs than be a psychiatrist.

Anyhow it is over for another 2 months and I am intact (ish)

Hope you are all well

Hugs

Cracked

I am questioning my sexuality atm with good reason. It is a bit weird to be thinking about this in my 30s but I think I do need to think about it.

Huge hugs

Cracked