Sometimes our lives can change even when we're in our pajamas. I was sitting at my computer after a long day at work, browsing through my facebook feed and seeing a variety of examples of the happenings and successes of the people I’ve known from grade school. Sometimes it’s easy to get lost in the details, like when thinking, “Wow, those two got married?!” or watching funny videos of peoples' pets. But not this night… This night was about having a broad realization - a moment of clarity. It was realizing many of the people who had been afforded the same life opportunities as me had done more of what I wanted with those opportunities than I had. Thinking that hurts and it hurts even more when it’s true. It also raised an important question. Why did I struggle more greatly where they had not?

There might be no bigger factor than my locus of control. Locus of control is the psych term for how we describe how much control we believe we have over the events in our lives. If we believe we have a great deal of control over our lives, then our “locus” is internal because we believe what influences events comes from within us. If we generally believe this, we have an internal locus of control. If we believe we have very little control over our lives, then our “locus” is external because it’s believed what influences events comes from other sources outside of us. If we generally believe this, we have an external locus of control.

Contrary to a lot of topics in psychology with muddled, complicated, and ambiguous findings, research on locus of control heavily supports having an internal locus of control. People with an internal locus tend to make more money, experience fewer disorders (especially less depression!) have higher self-esteem, and many more wonderful benefits. An external locus of control, however, is the opposite. Those who generally focus on what is outside of our control experience greater stress, more illness, more psychological disorders, etc. The differences presented by research findings are alarming for those with an external locus and heavily in favor of an internal locus of control.

We can probably think of people in our lives who have an external locus of control. There’s the employee who seems to think their bosses and supervisors are always out to get them. There’s the man or woman, or boy or girl, who usually blames their girlfriends and/or boyfriends for all of their relationship problems. I’m a student again and I’m most immediately reminded of students who blame teachers, hard questions, and things like that for our poor grades. However, I’m reminded of one student in particular from my previous attempts at school.

Me.

I made a lot of excuses. I've said I’ve done poorly because a lecture was boring, questions didn’t make sense, expectations were too high, a teacher didn’t seem to care about me, a lesson wasn’t important, and so much more. When circumstances demanded I change, I didn’t. When I struggled and failed from being unadaptable, I had blamed what demanded I adapt rather than the person who struggled most to adapt: myself. As a result, I got sick more often than others, slept worse, experienced more stressed on a daily basis, and became stuck in repeatedly thinking about how woe was me. I made a lot of excuses and experienced a variety of ways a person can learn to be helpless. I blamed primarily what was occurring outside myself because I had an external locus of control.

When it came to my question of why I struggled more greatly where others had not, locus of control offered an answer but also an answer I found hard to accept. Although I might not be have been appreciating how much control I had over some events in my life, aren’t most parts of life still outside of our control? We didn’t choose our skin color, where we’re born into the world, our gender, hair-color, and much, much more. Aren’t the beliefs of someone with more of an external locus of control more honest overall because of all the parts of life we have little or no control over? I raised this complaint with one of my psych instructors and I’ll never forget what she said. She just smiled, nodded, and then said, “I think it’s open to some interpretation. My interpretation has been we don’t really need to have an internal locus when we’re just thinking and making observations. But… it’s really, really helpful once we start trying to take on challenges and accomplish goals. It’s really helpful when we’re really trying to do something.” This has been my way forward

I’ve treated my goals and challenges more as someone with an internal locus would. I’ve done this through asking myself what I can do about each problem I experience that doesn’t depend as much on other people. If a lecture is boring at school, I can read a book about the topic or get a potentially more interesting tutor. Similarly, I might instead find a school subject I can still enjoy boring lectures about or take the boredom as a practice session for learning to enjoy all the future boring events I may need to participate in. If my supervisor seems lousy at work, I can attempt to discuss issues with him or her. If these attempts fail, I can focus on what I brought to the conversation and how it may have made something harder to understand or hear. For example, did I use confrontational language, like, “You need to fix _____” or something more tolerable, such as, “I think we can do better if we do ______.”? I've found I can be both honest and more successful through being more internally focused with my goals.

Ultimately, maybe I’ll do well enough to inspire some envy from others - just as so many people have inspired envy from me. If I do, I’ll know a big part of why. It started with surviving my external locus of control and seeking to do more than simply survive. It’s continued with being willing to become better and better at having an internal locus of control when pursuing my goals and the challenges they pose. If I don't inspire something of value, I won't blame anyone. Instead, I'll take it on as a challenge to be and do better. Overall, this process has allowed me to learn more from my mistakes regardless of any possible mistakes made by others. Most of all, I’m better becoming the driver and not the passenger of my own life.