Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post!
I have so many questions to non borderline/narcissist. I strongly believe my ex husband suffers from this disorder, along with ADHD. I am heartbroken.. I had no idea, none -until our divorce. Yes i saw red flags and ignored, i thought he was just controlling and unforgiving - i didn't know it was deeper.
I have so many questions, not about how he acted but about how I reacted to him... I am consumed with guilt, shame, regret, and fear, empty, the list goes on.
I'm not proud of myself and how the end played out
It couldn't end nice; he just wouldn't allow that...
history, whirlwind romance, engaged after 2 months of meeting, married 6 months after that. He had no trust. I found tracking device in my car, he would check phone records, emails, hide tape recorders around the house, talk to me like a business transaction, control all the finances. He devalued my children early on... BUT he could also be the most loving, giving, generous man I’ve ever met. The only way i would describe him is a scared 6 years old. The pattern was about every 3 months we would get into a disagreement or he'd start acting shady and i'd catch him doing something hurtful and call him out on it, he would threaten divorce, papers and all. Just when i would think things were going well, he'd start acting shady again. I started checking his emails whenever he started acting weird, i just never fully felt secure in the relationship. And usually I’d find something. The last time he threatened divorce, i called him on it... I was tired of his false accusations, confusing me with his past (ex wife and mother), belittle me and my kids and me always having to apologize for my feelings of being upset for something he did that was hurtful and promising to change things about me. The divorce was quick and the raging from both ends was ugly. Most of my raging was defending against his projections and twisting of words, or his cruel actions and false accusations.. BUT i said some really hurtful things and i can't seem to shake the way i reacted. Right smack in the middle of our divorce, my mom passed away. My emotions where all over the place and he had no empathy at all, he actually thought it was all about him. i moved out of the house, and he let me because he thought he found his replacement, she didn't turn out what he had expected so his raging and punishing towards me got much worse – i didn't back down . I seriously thought I was going crazy! Throughout all this i didn't understand his hate towards me. He admitted he divorced me as a punishment and was just throwing a tantrum. He was so cruel after the divorce but he kept me engaged in the crazy making. I started therapy and actually formed a friendship with his first wife (who isn’t the evil awful person he portrayed her to be) for months i begged him to reconcile and work at having a healthy relationship. I love him so much and i honestly care about him. After enough begging and pleading on my part, he agreed to reconcile. He moved into my place when our house sold and from the moment he came back he made it clear it was going to be all about him, he treated me like he was doing me a favor - he had no intentions of reconciling, he did nothing to work on the relationship, he was using me until he found his replacement
It only lasted a month, he decided one day that we weren't on the same page, didn't want the same things and was going to leave, i didn't beg him to stay.. I had hoped though that we could end things amicably, but of course it didn’t. 2 days later, while still staying with me he was back on a dating site looking for my replacement. In a rage I threw him out, said the nastiest things I could out of such hurt, anger and betrayal.
I feel just horrible about the things I said, I just can’t seem to forgive myself for how I behaved. Now I know the relationship isn’t healthy and that it is over but I have allowed myself to take all the responsibility and blame for everything and I can’t shake the idea is it him or is it me? I reacted horribly to him. I feel like an empty shell.
So thanks for reading my long story, everyone talks about the horrible things there bdp/npd did to them, but I did things also  I just want to know, did your partner bring you to do things that are out of your character, to react in ways that you feel like a monster, to feel shame and guilt and regret?
p.s. now he is claiming to be the victim of what a horrible wife I was, that I verbally abused him, and much more lies and fabrications, it’s sad because I do believe he truly feels that way 