I have been trying to drink my pain away because it takes the ease off my problems for a bit.
It has its ups and downs.Mostly the downs have been the worst for me.I been seeing a new doctor to perscribe me different medication, but I have to 1st reduce the amount of medication I was perscribed before in order to adjust to the new meds.

In the meantime I have been experiencing so much ups and downs in my mood thru my day Its taking a toll of my personality twoards co workers and friends.I have at times had to just stay away from people altogether because I didnt want to see me in the condition I have been going thru.Its hard to not feel so much pain and discomfort day to day and not want to numb it away with a couple of drinks.It works for a little bit to have a couple, then the depression creeps up on me and I get very emotional and the thoughts in my head are of rage and major self guilt that tends to bring out sometimes thoughts of self destructive behaviors.

I can't shake the problems off or handle them as well anymore.I get worse when I am alone and not being checked on from time to time.I feel I cant control my mental state at all anymore because there is so much going on I cant process what is going on in front of me anymore.

The drinking I hope will not become such a constant problem to mend my mental wounds, but for now its takes care of things.I going to therapy and keeping track of my progress, but it hard to stay up when I cant take the constant depression I deal with everyday with my past experiences and my current issues I am dealing with now.

I feel I dont want to burden anybody with my problems because I feel I will get them to involved that I hurt them or make them avoid me altogether.I dont want to let anybody in my personal issues anymore because its too much too handle and its not want I wish anybody should be exposed to it anyway.

Previously, I had let some amazing people in my life and I just brought them down with my problems.I dont want to ever hurt anybody anymore.even my love ones that see me everyday and are exposed to my personality I keep my pain and depression in the shadows as best as I can.

There are days in my life were I am feeling so energetic and great to be around with when im not
taking my meds and feeling like I loosing my mind. My state of chaos is going over and over my head and I can be very unpredictable with every moment. I cant controll these actions and I get a little out of hand. Sometimes I can be off the wall and a little delerious at times.

Now when taking my meds I am down to earth and calm without bouncing off the walls. Its like dealing with a jekyl and hyde personality and I dont like to be one or the other. I can be fine on my medication, but feeling uneasy and out of touch with what is going on aroud me. Its like I am in a dream state. when im off the meds I can be the funnest and most outgoing person to be around, but inside I am really feeling sadness and uncertanty with who I am and can't deal with my state of mind and start to think irrational and suicidal thoughts.

I had my ups and down with my mood always when I growing up, but going from one extreme to another is not what I can handle on a daily basis. Its like being ok with everything in the morning and having a state of chaos and despair in the afternoon and go into shutdown mode.

I try my best to keep up on taking the right dosage and regulary take my meds. I forget once in a while and even go without being medicated for days. I get back on track and start having withdraw symptoms creeping up on me and its like a rollercoaster I cant get off.

I feel as those I set myself up for failure or there is a side of me that wants to come out and play and enjoy a seperate life from the one I am living. I cant deal with the conflict of both personalities fighting for control over who is going to win out in the end.

If I only knew that I was a survivor of child abuse. Coming to terms with knowing in was emotionally abused and didnt deserve to be raised in a family that lacked to show love and emotion to there kids. I feel like I was living a lie that I always sugar coated how I was raised and the way I turned out.

I covered up how things were so much I believed that the problems and the experiences didnt happened and I was just making it up. I thought I was dreaming the whole thing up.Then certan events would bring the experiences back to me like being hit in the face I didnt know how to cope with all of this flashbacks from my childhood. I would shut down and be stuck on pause for some time trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I just started to put the pieces together and it was too much to handle.

I was lying to myself and it sneaked up and exposed its ugly face when I didnt even know it was going to happen. No one would have thought based on how I acted and how I looked that I had gone thru hell and back. Seen things that no one should see and feel ever as a kid. Its hard enough being a kid, but to have the live under the conditions and experiences that scarred me for life. No one deserves that.

Talking about the truth has made things better to come to terms with what happened. I dont know if it made me stronger to fight back the tears and pain I never gave into. I was always told never to expose your feelings Its a sign of weakness. I was just a kid that needed a hug and to be told everthing is going to be ok and know that they were right.