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Resurfacing by Viciously_yours on Wed Oct 03, 2012 4:11 am
I have started getting the 'feelings' again. The realizations. I feel like I'm... a sentient parasite looking behind the eyes of my Host. The body is not mine, though I am still a part of it. The eyes move, and the lips speak; the environment is observed, but nothing penetrates. It's a constant effort to put myself back in the moment these past 2-3 weeks. I have to say to myself more and more each passing day, "You are walking to work", "You are speaking cordially with this person. He/she is not a threat to you.", "This is your lover; respond to his touch", "You are alive."
I am rife with anxiety some mornings. My thoughts race, and my stomach clenches for no rational reason. I try to wake myself up fully, splash water on my face, do mindful thinking. It finally dies down, but there is the residual humming of nervous energy. Then it is replaced by the white static. The 'parasite behind the looking glass' feeling. I don't black out. I don't feel like another 'personality' takes over. It feels like I have an internal script already written out and all my body has to do is recite. I don't know where the internal script came from. I don't recall actually thinking about what or how I'm going to respond. It just happens. I used to have this feeling constantly between the ages of 15-19, quite severely. They've dwindled significantly after meeting my partner, as well as other emotional dysfunctions.
I used to disassociate so badly that my friend could be speaking to me, calling my name several times and I would not respond. I would go into 'My Zone', as she called it. I was vaguely aware she was trying to get my attention but I could not respond. I was frozen. There was no reason for it, I would just randomly 'go away' at almost any given moment. I remember one day I was at my grandmother's house with my father and his brother, and the same thing happened. But there were several understandable reasons for my disassociation : both my father and my uncle molested me as a child, they both had severe anger issues and did not get along with their mother (my grandmother), and I had my own association with my grandmother that wasn't the most pleasant. It was allinall a supremely uncomfortable environment. I went away. i heard my father calling my name, I did not respond. I didn't want to. I wanted to be far far away from that awful place. I felt trapped. I did not want any attention towards me from anyone. At some point I answered him, and he asked if I was ok, what just happened? I shrugged and started to eat my food.
There is so much of my life that I don't remember. I cling to pictures and trinkets and hope that they will always remind me of their origin. The memories that I do have are fractured or traumatizing. Vacations that I've had with people and I can't remember ever going. They show me pictures and I recall nothing. That's another thing, whenever I see a picture of myself at an event or vacation, it feels like it's not me. Like I don't recognize myself. When I look in the mirror to this day (which is either not often, or with fatal scrutiny) it's like... 'so this is me.' But it doesn't FEEL like me. Like my outer image does not match how I feel inside.
I suppose it comes down to self-confidence, and the fact that I've been through very ugly things. I've come a long way; I'm not nearly as jumpy/twitchy/panicky as i used to be. My anger is almost null. But every once in a while... I get the feeling that I'm not real. That the world around me is fading at the edges and if I blink it'll be gone. If I sleep, it'll just... vanish. Or I'll vanish. Most of the time I don't feel anything; little islands of emotion throughout the day pop up, but for the most part... It's just... empty.
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