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Stress on Top of Stress by MelancholyBliss on Tue May 13, 2014 6:13 pm
Just when I thought my biggest worry was my son, I get laid off again. Really, they call it reduction in force. Good news is I get seniority at another position. For the past year, I stressed about social interactions with my coworkers, so I really had planned to transfer anyway. On top of this big change, I visited son's school, and I am disappointed that son refused to participate in Field day. He is so good at this event, yet he is anxious and self-conscious like me. My brothers were also so shy and socially awkward. I am learning, but it is so emotionally difficult to pass off as happy when I am clouded with a jumble of thoughts. I try to blow them away and think how wonderful my life appears on the outside. I also have a guilty crush on a man who is not my husband. I had these feelings before. I know they are not mutual, so I ought to be safe from getting caught, but I still obsess and fantasize about a possibility that I can get along with a different partner. I love my sons so much, just the thought of a wrong step in adultery makes my whole world feel chaotic. In a few weeks he will be out of my life. I am happy and sad about it. I like a fantasy to get me to wake up every day. I move through a mindless maze of strangers. I never feel I belong anywhere. i take classes and people try to talk and I finally have the courage to carry a chit chat type of conversation. I secretly think they will uncover my dark secrets. I am really a very melancholy mom with a lot of guilt and negative feelings. I don't want to change into a different person with anti-depressants. I like being consumed in my thoughts. I thrive from solitude. I just have to learn have to include my sons in my quirky persona.
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