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old blogs by lostinsarahtopia on Mon Aug 22, 2011 3:18 am
Jan 5, 2009
and thats the rest of the story

Current mood:angry
12/26/08 Today was a very emotional day. First it was Tyler's grandmother's funeral. I haven't stepped foot in a room with a corpse in at least 10 years, I've never been able to handle being so close to something so lifeless. But I didn't want to be left alone in the hallway so I went against my fear. The entire time it was hard to breathe and my legs kept shaking and I even got dizzy for a few minutes. I was frozen in one spot most of the time staring at her body. She looked so beautiful and peaceful laying there that I almost felt stupid for being scared but I couldn't help it. I expected Tyler to pretend like everything was ok, that her death wouldn't phase him, at least on the outside. But that wasn't the case, he broke down and it was so good to see that he has a heart. But I felt terrible, I wished I could understand what he was going through but I feel no emotion whatsoever when it comes to death. It was heartbreaking to see him so crushed and I couldn't do anything to help the pain go away. Well after that me and Tyler finally had a few stolen moments of privacy together. I thought the day could only get better. I went to work and of course we were dead so I didn't make much at all but I had time to read and socialize which is even better than making money. Well Tyler picked me up at 11 and I was ready to go smoke, relax and go to bed but of course he had to drive up in an ill mood. I understand his anger to an extent but sometimes it's just uncalled for and downright mean and hurtful. I know he's hurting about his grandma and now his aunt died today as well but still that doesn't mean he has to take it out on me and tiny. First he gets angry cause we can't smoke in the house anymore, now we can't smoke in front or back of the house either. And I had a long goddamn day at work and he's been smoking MY pot and MY cigarettes eating food that I bought and sitting around the house doing nothing when dishes need to be done and trash needs to be picked up and laundry needs to be washed but no one ever offers to do anything but me. So I get off work and he purposely keeps making excuses and pretending like he's actually going to follow his other grandmother's rules for once just so me and tiny cant smoke. I guess he wants us to be as miserable as he is. 12/27/08 Well we finally had it out and he finally opened up and told me what was wrong and he even apologized for his actions in past and future. It's such an improvement in the last month. So of course all my anger was melted away by his loving gaze. I can't believe I've been denying him all these years. But then again I was a strange child back then. I've decided that I've been blind most of my life, and that at some point I woke up and finally started noticing rays of sunshine in my own web of darkness. I guess this change in consciousness went unnoticed since I am just realizing it. But most of my life I expected only the bad to occur so I never noticed anything good that had happened so each bad thing would shift me further into my never ending blindness. I would push people away because I expect it to happen anyways. I love my random spurs of great realization. 12/30/08 2:31 am The boys and I went on another Monday road trip tonight. We almost thought we wouldn't be able to go but we came up with the money at the last minute. Well we didn't make it to jacks like we planned but we did end up at the local party house there. Of course Tyler got drunk, I drank a little but I just can't sling back shots like I used to. We all had a foosball war and amazingly enough I did very well for my first time playing it. It was a lot of fun but since I have to work a double shift today, we had to come home. Well we HAD enough gas to make it home and to and from work today BUT we got lost on a straight road…….SOBER……can you believe that. So we went and hour and a half out of our way. We left at 10 and should have made it home...

[ Continued ]

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New Directions by OMNICELL on Sat Jun 24, 2017 6:31 am
So, as I get better, I have to remember that when I was fully dissociative, I was protected! you could hit me with a 2 by 4 and would not feel a thing accept rage or electrical shock; I was so incased...

[ Continued ]

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Weight Frustrations Part 3 by Jellybeanery on Fri Jun 23, 2017 9:37 pm
Ha! In my previous entry I said I hoped to lose 30 lbs in 3 months.. :roll: I lost 7. Not what...

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Failure by tmc115 on Fri Jun 23, 2017 9:33 pm
I just feel like such an embarrassment.

I know it's not really practical to think that way, and it's not fair. But I do.

We have this new medical device at work. Today we were supposed to set it up with...

[ Continued ]

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Neurodegenerative Disease (did I say hereditary?) by oreberry on Fri Jun 23, 2017 5:23 pm
It's been about three years. I've just read my old entries and I'm glad there was nothing I would feel ashamed about. Maybe I can change that. It's not too late. To cut to the chase every single one of...

[ Continued ]

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Blah Day 2 by playinthemirror on Fri Jun 23, 2017 1:34 am
Same as yesterday. I dont even know why Im here. Im depressed and sad but its too hard to cry. Keep bingeing and purging. Dissociating.



I give up.

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Re: My Dr. Made Me Do It! by Snaga on Sat Jun 24, 2017 5:34 am
I can only imagine how tiresome that might become. Although I do see some of that same attitude in myself- but I suspect that's mostly because I'm OCD- we (pwOCD) tend to spend a lot of time in our head,...

[ Continued ]

Re: My Dr. Made Me Do It! by Jadedbutterfly on Fri Jun 23, 2017 4:21 pm
[quote="Snaga"]I thought reading people was considered a basic social skill? Or is it what you're doing with the information you glean?[/quote]
Nature of the Beast! Of coarse it's what I do...

[ Continued ]

Re: My Dr. Made Me Do It! by Jadedbutterfly on Fri Jun 23, 2017 4:06 pm
[quote="Snaga"]I thought reading people was considered a basic social skill? Or is it what you're doing with the information you glean?[/quote]
Nature of the Beast - yes it is what I do with...

[ Continued ]

Re: Nigel reads by Johnny-Jack on Fri Jun 23, 2017 2:14 am
Well, we've gotten Nigel and Neville mixed up as alters a lot, mixed up their names. So this post is all about Neville, not Nigel! At the moment I don't recall whether Nigel used to have an English accent...

[ Continued ]

Re: Blah Day 2 by Snaga on Fri Jun 23, 2017 1:56 am
Stay safe, sweetie- try not to purge, if you can. Hugs.

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