So, I've been noticing things lately.

First, I've noticed that I've had problems about, once a month. I've had one this month but wasn't able to post about it. So yeah. I guess I should call them episodes, shouldn't I? Regardless, the last one was caused by, well something stupid. I went to visit my parents, and I planned to stay at their place. They always say I can stay there. I do that because I know that it's the only way to get me to leave the house and spend time with them while I'm there to visit, or else I'd make too many excuses and not go.

So, I visited them. I've had back problems for a while now, and it means that I have to sleep on a bed. Well, I can sleep other places, but I'd have to take pain medicine more often than I already did, so that's not what anyone wants. Naturally, I expected to stay in the guest room. I mean, my step sisters each have a spare bed, but no one has said otherwise. It's a safe assumption.

Then the next day, I'm told that my step-mom's mother might be staying over, and I might have to stay in my younger stepsister's room. But no one would know until last minute. I was hurt. I feel like my pain is understandable, but I have the feeling that it's not. Otherwise, it wouldn't have happened in the first place, you know? Well, my younger stepsister doesn't want to share her room for the night. I don't want to share a room with her. It's too cold, and with a blanket on me, I'm too hot. Like, it's just a no win situation there. Plus, I wouldn't be able to stay up late doing homework, because I'm polite like that and don't want to keep her up. Then there's the other younger stepsister, who's older than her. She stays up until five in the morning. I can't stay in her room because I have sleeping problems as is. Having the lights on while I'm trying to sleep does not help.

I know it sounds needy, but they knew that I was coming over, and my stepmom's mom is waiting until the very last second to tell her. I just don't see how it's fair when I tell them ahead of time and she doesn't, you know? Like, I'm the one respecting the fact that having only one spare bedroom with people always coming over is hard.

Unfortunately, that's all I can give of the instance, as I never do remember exactly how I'm feeling afterwards. Hell, I barely even remember having a breakdown the next day. Which is weird, to say the least. It certainly makes getting help hard, because it's hard to tell someone what the problem is when you can't even remember it yourself. That's a problem I've had with my past therapist.


Next, I've noticed that I'm prone to feeling insulted when I feel like no one is listening to me or my opinion isn't being heard. Is that normal? Hell, there's so much about my life that I thought was normal that I later learned wasn't. There's just so much that people do that I don't understand, and I think it's fair to say that all concepts of social communication is way over my head.

Regardless, I notice this a lot in group work. So often when I'm working in a group with more than three people, it seems like everyone else just shares some kind of frequency that combines their minds, and I'm the odd man out. Like, they all agree with the same thing, and then majority rules, so I don't have a say. Worse yet, I don't think that they listen to my say. Because if they were seriously choosing an easier way, I'd lay back and let them do it. I don't want to step up and be a leader. The problem is, they're making it harder than it needs to be, wasting precious time! This drives me insane! Then I just want to get mad at them, and it makes it hard for me to work with people in general.


And, I've noticed that if my friend doesn't join my group, I get offended. I feel that this is because most of my friends are people that I do a lot for. People that I tutor, and study with. I don't know why I get so offended, but I think that part of it is because I don't work well in groups. Like, now I have to work with these people that I don't know and hope it works out. Then I risk getting slackers that shove all of the work on me or do a bad job or nd up with people like in the group mentioned earlier, that refuse to give me a say.

The sad part is? I have only had one group that was neither of these. I have only been in one group where everyone does there share and it just all works. Then I just feel like, come on. Like, how can absolutely none of my friends think to let me join their group? I'm sure anyone would be hurt if they faced that as often as I have, or at all. I don't know. Maybe it's because I've had too many instances in the past where my friends thought of everyone but me, then we drifted apart because they kept forgetting about me. Being me, I find it hard to think that I'm forgetful. I'm very... loud...


Then there's the type of friends that I navigate towards. A lot of people think that I think lower of people who aren't as smart as me, but that's not true. The truth is I think less of people who don't try. Honestly, I think that if you tried, you'd do fine. I work my ass off to do as good as I do most of the time.

But most of my good friends have the same point of view as me. They just don't like people in general. They're hard to work with and betray you too much. It's a negative view of the world, but it's not like anyone's proven me wrong. I have no friends or family that I can go to for my problems, people don't listen to me, and I honestly don't think that people care. I mean ,they don't bother to act like they care. I try to talk to them about how I'm having problems in my life and they either complain about me "sharing my life story" or "You think your life is bad?"

For the first, I'm having a bad day and no one to just sit there and complain about how everything went wrong to. I'm sorry if I just snap. I just feel like the only person that doesn't have someone in their life that will listen, you know? Everyone else tells me of their friend that they tell everything to, and what not.

For the second, yes. I understand that I have a privileged life. I have two loving parents, I'm not dying, and I'm not dirt poor. To any outsider, my life looks perfect. But yes. I do think that my life sucks. I contemplate hurting myself and experience episodes where I feel like I'm better off dead or that no one would care if I died. I have no one to go to for my problems, and I can't tell anyone how I feel. You know why? Because my life looks so perfect to everyone else? What do I have to be upset about? Hell if I know, I just know that most of the time, I feel invisible, because people treat me like I'm invisible, and I just want to do something so people know I exist. I just want people to see the pain that I go through when I have an episode. Is that so bad? Is it so bad to just want someone to show that they know you're there?

I can't even tell anyone that much. Because everyone's always complaining about how they miss me and want to see me. Then why don't they act like it? I show up, and I'm ignored. Completely ignored. Like part of the background or something. It's infuriating! I don't want to go to visit anymore because of it. Still, how can I deny the only people that act like they care? Even if it feels like a lie when I show up and destroys me every time?

I don't want a lot of people. I'm really an introvert at heart, so I just need one or two people that really care. Life can't be perfect if you're alone.

So, yes. I do think my life is bad. I think that my life is pretty d*mn sh*tty because, honestly, at least they have someone. At least they can't honestly say the longest friendship they've had was two years and it was a horrible friendship. At least they can't say that they want to hurt themselves just so people would take their pain seriously and not give them a temporary fix. At least there's someone that doesn't make them feel like part of the background.

Yes, it sucks. Every time I feel like I found that person, I lose them. I lose contact. They start hating me for no reason (and actually say it). Something happens, and I stuck here, alone again. Yes, my life sucks if I can't keep a person like that, a person that everyone needs, for at least a year.