Our partner

Outside, yet looking out
And peering into the darkness, motionless.

This is where my hidden thoughts go, the ones that would be impractical to express verbally, as it would most likely result in me being locked away in a psychiatric hospital against my will, which would be the fourth time. Or some kind of undesirable course of events. Here, I reveal the real me, overtly, yet discreetly.
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caughtinafray
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If I could live my life over again...

Permanent Linkby caughtinafray on Thu Feb 16, 2017 2:57 am

I wouldn't! No, no way, no chance. But if my life has been such a disaster, and what it's all come down to is that my own decisions are what set me down this path, why wouldn't I relive my life, given the opportunity? Because it goes a little further than my own decisions.

Am I meant to blame myself for my lack of any social life? Of course not, that's what happens when you're a mess of mental idiosyncrasies who no one would want to be involved with anyway, you isolate them, it's all you can do. I didn't have a choice. But what about all the things I could have accomplished that didn't get done, because I was too busy being occupied by nothing while sitting silently as life gradually slipped away with every tick of the clock? I've probably spent more time with that than anything else in my life. Well, let's assess my perspective, in that situation. I'm sitting there, and I'm in one of those moods where I can't be so bothered as to finish a daily, 5 minute task. ADHD has some responsibility there, which I not only inherited from my dad, but I personally believe that as a child, it worsened as my developing mind was so deprived of fulfillment and subject to the same boredom all the time. Also, there's the huge problem of unpredictable mood randomness I get predominantly from BPD. It has a major impact on my productivity, it makes me feel a million different ways in a day, what can I do when I feel a million different ways in a day?

And then there's the fact that my life circumstances leave me with practically no reasonable source of any joy anyway. What does this add up to? It means I simply never could have been high-achieving. I wouldn't live my life over again because I remember how horrible I felt all the time, and I don't blame myself for what I did, I got ###$ over with a bunch of #######4, and nobody will ever hear me say "I wish I could relive my life!"

DX: Asperger Syndrome, ADHD, Bipolar type 2 | suspecting BPD

UTC -5:00 North America (EST) | INTP/ISTP | Empathy Quotient: 14/80

“To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.”
    --- Friedrich Nietzsche
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