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Emotionally guarded and detached: is this healthy? by Moonflower on Wed May 29, 2013 3:53 am
Imagine this : You loved this person to the moon and back. You gave them everything you could offer, and they were all the everything you needed in return. They were your entire universe, you could drown in their eyes and talk to them for hours without being bored. in there arms you never felt a place safer than home. You would call them just to see how their day was, and to know If they were thinking of you like you were of them. But when you lose this someone, and you find out everything you fell in love with was lie, suddenly love doesn't feel so amazing anymore. In a split second you went from feeling so great, until you fell and the pavement didn't feel so good. They didn't catch you. They let you go, they told you sweet nothing about how you were there everything; just like they were to you, and how they loved you. But it turns out he was saying that to ten other women. You weren't special. You were nothing but another one of naive girls. You went from soaring high to stuck in a hole of depression, trying to dig yourself out but never making progress. You thought about them all day, wanting them back regardless of what they did. Missing the late night cuddling until you fell asleep. Having them by your side, to spill all your problems, your hopes and dreams, and your deepest thoughts. You stay awake at night in a bed full of sorrow, tears never seem to leave your face. And the worst part is your watching them fly without you. They don't care that your gone. They may of said they loved you but they didn't ever mean it. They took advantage of your feelings. You were only around for one thing, sex, because hey, that's the only thing you were ever good for. Months go by, they have another girls heart in their hand to shatter just as they did to you. They still text you, and tell them they still love you. But none of it matters because he's just keeping you on your toes, holding you on a string so you can never move on. Eventually you lash out, your tired of being a doormat. Your tired of feelings worthless. You tell this person how #######5 they've been, how cruel they were to play with your feelings, to wind you up like a toy just to watch you break. Months go by again, and you think you've moved on. But every relationship you get into you feel distant and guarded. You could never express your love. Hell, love was hard to feel now. You began numb to everything; guys would fawn over you and you would just blow it off like a cold hearted big. But you didn't mean to do it. You just couldn't let people in. Your door for emotion was shut. You would stay quiet when you were breaking down on the inside. Every time you would express any feeling you would feel vulnerable. You because anxious, and scared to have what happened to you in the past happen again. You remembered what it felt like to have your face hit the pavement and your heart shattered. No, they couldn't happen again. Deep down inside, you are so lonely it kills. You wish you could love again. But every time you would feel something, like you suddenly feel love blossoming with that guy you've been dating for a few months, you kill that flower before you fall in love, and you run. You shut them out, break ties and ignore them for a month or two. You have difficult ly showing affection to someone you Love, because it might give them an invitation to stomp all over your heart. You turn to mindless sex, thinking it would be nothing but sex, but then eventually feelings come in and you end up getting hurt again. You feel stupid because you remembered how your ex only had you around for sex, why would you be so stupid and let it happen again? And the worst part is you felt something with this new guy, like you could open up again. It's like sex made it possible for you to love them. And you know this is so wrong, healthy relationships don't work like this. But you can't help it, you can't have healthy relationships because anything to serious scares you. You stick to sex and how...
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