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Blog 35 by OMNICELL on Mon Mar 05, 2012 5:11 am
Im listening to 80s pop.. English Pop. That is the last thing I remember in the 1980's as my mental condition worsened. As my mind began to leave in a more permanent fashion and the torture of past years created unbearable pain and suffering, things faded away... Now in 2012 Im remembering much more and feeling a bit like I use to. What does " Use to" mean... I don't know.. Ive been several different people at different times... Ive missed allot of my life, I don't remember anything. Its hard coming back to reality, as I remember so many times not being able, or stable enough to handle life to the point that the lights would go out for a long long time, I never wanted to wake up again. Im no different now. In many situations in this world my mind will shut off, or I will kill myself. I have to be very careful in this world. My life is on an extension, its an extended life.. God has extended it. I have to be careful that I do not allow the wrong people in it, to destroy it. or mangle it.. Pressure destroys. I cannot handle pressure…
Because of past unresolved traumas I could never stay present to accomplish anything. I would stay awake then the past pain and sadness and lack of hope would hit so hard I would loose the present personality into someone else.. .Or I would become sick to the point of paralysis. An Anxiety disorder, Nothing has changed at the base level. Im still paralyzed in ways, Im still paralyzed at the basic levels. .. Im still disabled very much like before. Yet, other symptoms are down... And Im grateful for that. I can live again… I don't think I can work. Not normal work like regular people. Don't know if that will ever come back…
Being around others:
Very difficult being around others. No one understands why I act the way I do. I fake it till I make it for short sprints. I try to fit in with the disability ringing through my ears and my mind... My nervous system is never home, its being paralyzed by past traumas bombarding on a daily basis.
I could be seriously suicidal, contemplating how to kill myself, by looking up stuff on the net.. Then, a day later Im at a meeting or talking with someone. They don't know Im suicidal. They know nothing… Its invisible…
When I share or talk to someone, I am protected in my own shell and the conversations are short. People don't realize Ive been planning my death for a week. Or seriously wanting to die, wanting so badly to go to sleep... I fake it the best I can. I don't get personal. A few words and Im out of there. I feel the discomfort of having people to physically close and I began to shut down... I began to go into the learned helpless mode. The world is a frightening place to me that controls me.... I am brave about this. When I go outside Im not all here. I don't let others know, its none of there business. I stay away from people, I might interact a bit, not to much, I stay to myself... If I have to go to the bank. Its a battle dealing with the tellers, I freak and freeze up and 50 other things.. ITs possible to pull away from people and fake it a bit. However, its very hard and I can only do this for short amount of time.. If one were to ask others, they may see no problems with me… The problem is, they have no reference. They don't know the real me, and they don't care… Its all invisible to them. I made it that way on purpose. I learned along time Ago, its better to attempt to look normal to the normies then to look like a crazy that hasn't shaved or washed his cloths in a month… It took years to get to this place, this place of being present enough to wash my clothing and and be a successful actor of short real life plays.
Things are much different now. I am getting better. Several symptoms are down. However, my mind is weak and very damaged and does not have the strength for a full on life experience day in and day out, I cannot respond, or respond correctly, most of the time Im responding to PTSD.... I...
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