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A good thing, maybe? by brainslug on Sat Jan 05, 2013 8:50 pm
I am still feeling restless, extremely so.
This is almost EXACTLY how I felt during the summer.
It is almost inevitable that I will attempt to talk to the prom-girl on facebook. It is absolutely driving me insane.
I am thinking this state may actually be a good thing.
Even though I obviously do not really enjoy it, it seems like a get out of jail easier card.
It is like a boost, and I know I need one.
Now, the problem is if I can do it be maintain good mind while doing it. Although I have more boost, there is still a strong flighty feeling.
I can't really decide if I feel good or bad. On one hand, I am extremely worried and feel so, so pressured. On the other, I feel like "yeah, lets do this, I have all the energy in the world". I feel very "zeroed in". My body feels very light, like I am a child, and my legs are kinda sore in an acidic way. I am not hungry. I feel like I could marathon 10 miles, but I obviously know I can't. For one thing, I wouldn't be able to focus on it. I feel so conflicted because I have so much energy, but I only want to spend it on one thing, and there is not much to spend it on.
I am also worried because this is obviously a very transient state. I feel like I need to act now before it goes away, but I am also afraid to. I am also thinking "what if I do manage to ask her on a date and then my courage goes away before it happens?"
I feel like it is a boost to get out of this pattern, but I am also anxious about doing anything.
Based on last time's results, even if I fail, I will get a good mood afterwards(something probably bordering on hypomania), so I am not extremely worried. I mean, I want the results to be good, but at least I don't think everything is going to crash if it end up badly.
Speaking of it ending badly, I can't really think of it ending badly. Somewhere in the back of my brain, I think the probability of its ending is something like 25% good, 50% neutral, and 25% bad. I don't know, though, because that is the same part of me that said she would never like me in the first place.
A big concern is that I don't want to come at her too intense. I mean, if I acted like I am feeling and probably typing right now, she would probably think I had taken up meth. Last time, I acted, I think, a little too stimulanty- short cut sentences with a lot of intensity, but very flighty.
If I talk to her, I need to stay (more like become) calm or at least attempt to act it. That isn't a problem in real life, but typing, it could be.
It is a shame that I can only talk to her in such a worked up state. If I was able to when I feel normal, I think I could do a better job.
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