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Sequins and Sequences by Hallusinating on Sun Feb 24, 2013 12:12 am
My father left me
my siblings hated my mother and stepfather thru me
i used to share room with my half siblings from i was 9-12
when i was 12 i moved downstairs to the basement where i lived alone for a short while until my elder sibling moved in with us
the basement was under the kitchen and it laid isolated from the rest of the house so i felt exluded from the family (my mother, stepfather and 2 halfsisters) upstairs.
There was a sliding door to the kitchen and the rest of the rooms were on the other side of the flat.
So it was basically just me, dust and some spiders...
then there was that spider incident and the dog argument.
It all just became too overwhelming.
With ALL the conflicts that touched every one i had relations to.
My mentality cracked for a short while and i did something desperate, silly and dumb to our dog, which had acted as a projection for my stepfathers anger about my mothers abortion and then that argument also became about his love for his first born who was complaining about the dog, so he was proclaiming his love for her, and how he would always be there for her and back her up. Which for me wasn`t a good thing to hear since i had lost my father. At that time i didn`t understand it. I was inside my shell and my mother pretended as if nothing was wrong with neither me nor her last family. (the dog was not hurt).
Shortly after they had to sell because it was howling when nobody was home and the neighbours complained about it.
I think my feelings took over my action.
When i was 4 i walked in on my stepfather and mum having sex. I laid in the room close to them and could hear my mother screaming, so i walk in to them to see what was happening and i was met with a spank on my ass and pushed into my room with order of not going in there again.
Naturally i was shocked.
I also received a shower of yelling when i was in the car with my mother one day and asked her where my father was. That was the first time she yelled at me.
I have a very twisted situation, that has felt both destructive and shattered at the same time.
I guess its the only time i have done something down right silly and twisted.
And no i wasn`t drinking that day...my last drink was half a beer on first of january-i chucked the rest of it down the drain cuz i didn`t feel like drinking. Perhaps i should get appraisal for all the things i am not doing? Like taking drugs, killing people or taking my own life. But the truth is the only ones who cares about that is (or should be) my family, but they have never cared about me.
There`s absolutely no use in sitting and wishing for something i am never going to get.
When people talk about rivalry in between siblings, i get what they mean, but that has never been the case for me...well if you exclude my stalking sister-she has had an ongoing war against me inside her head ever since we were children.
She got so angry seeing that i had her red dress in my closet. She came to visit my mother when we were young (i was about 5). She looked at my room and went in my closet where she saw the red dress that used to belong to her before... I didn`t know it had been hers i assumed(being in my age), that it had appeared magically in my closet...
She got quiet, sulky and angry.
I couldn`t use the dress since it was too small for me, so it just hung there because it was so pretty with sequins. Later my sister got it back and hung it up on her wall.
It had probably followed the moving van in a box and my mum probably brought it with her because it was too small for my sister?
Still it shows how emotionally unattached she was to her first children. It was a ball room dress.
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