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((((Trigger Warning!!!)))) by shannabeannn on Fri Mar 02, 2012 2:15 am
People are always bothering me to quit smoking, but I can't until I want to. It's the only way to keep things from getting out of hand. I smoke to relax myself, so I don't have panic attacks or when I'm angry or sad so I don't do things I know I'd regret. It also seems to settle my stomach after I eat (I have stomach aches from being bulimic when I was younger.) And the truth is, I love to smoke. It's stupid that smoking does so much for me and that I have such a huge attachment to it, but I do. I've been smoking since I was 13. I've had problems with food since the middle of the year when I was 12. I'd also hurt myself. Since I started smoking I'd feel the need to harm myself in anyway less and less until I stopped when I was 16.
Around the age of 7 I was molested by a much older friend of mine who used to babysit me. I was unaware that it was wrong at the time, and allowed it to happen. She'd read me pornographic versions of disney stories (Most often it was The Little Mermaid) and we'd watch the sex scenes in any movie she could find. She'd play barbie with me and would make them do sexual things and then we'd go outside in her back yard and she'd touch me or rub up against me. She told me if I loved her like a best friend I would do those things with her. I think that may be the reason I associate my friendships with sexual feelings sometimes (I've had feelings for all of my best friends.) I completely blocked it out until I turn 12 and I started to go down from there.
A short while after I was molested my uncle had tried to get me to touch him. Luckily I knew that it was wrong and I kicked him and ran away.
I have never told my mom about my abuse, and I probably never will because knowing it would kill her because of her past abuse.
I have never felt right about being myself since then.
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