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SmileXx
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 5056
Joined: Mon Jan 04, 2010 7:38 pm
Blog: View Blog (4)
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- June 2012
Gimme Gimme Gimme That Money Money Money
   Sun Jun 03, 2012 11:04 pm
Chaos Over Boredom
   Sat Jun 02, 2012 5:37 pm

+ February 2012
+ November 2011
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Gimme Gimme Gimme That Money Money Money

Permanent Linkby SmileXx on Sun Jun 03, 2012 11:04 pm

Impulse control.
I have none.

As a result, I have a puppy as a result, AND I just bought a bike.
I'm hoping the bike gets me out of the house, away from ebay and out of the kitchen.

The boyfriend bikes...
I'm not telling him that I got a bike, yet.
I'm gonna practice first.

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Chaos Over Boredom

Permanent Linkby SmileXx on Sat Jun 02, 2012 5:37 pm

So...
I'm well balanced... I'm on Abilify and a couple Benzos... and nothing dramatic is happening.
I'm so bored.

I got a new puppy last Saturday. Red Heeler, her name is Kira.
That makes three dogs, a cat and a betta fish, if you're keeping track of my household.

I can tell when I'm bored, because the compulsions go up.
The compulsion to buy things. The compulsion to eat. The compulsion to fly off into a rage for no reason. The compulsion to be compulsive.
I'm perpetually compulsive, but when I'm compulsively doing something I feel better. Boredom is so... monotonous.

The boyfriend is good... very vanilla... very unable to relate to my thoughts on... anything... very opposite of myself.
He invited me to a pool party today... which I can't go to, of course, because I'm fat and self conscious about being fat... I can only exude fake confidence so many days a week.
Before you say it, I know that I should have more self esteem, but it just doesn't happen in some situations. I tense up, I freak out and end up being a real b!tch or crying in a bathroom. Neither are particularly appealing.
I feel like my boyfriend is settling for me. He's attractive and nice and while boring as hell sometimes, which includes his excursions that I just have no interest in (like protesting), he's a great guy and could do better. In the meantime, I could be someone that doesn't make me self conscious as sh!t.
There's nothing ACTUALLY wrong with him though... so I'm trying.

I still have no friends, really. I'm going to California next week to see a friend, but I'm mostly excited about laying on a beach... why can I do that in Cali and not at a pool party? Because I won't have to look at anyone there ever again, so I do as a like.
I feel like life would be easier for me if I avoided familiarity with anyone... but that's really hard.

Anyway...

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It's Awkward

Permanent Linkby SmileXx on Tue Feb 28, 2012 7:30 pm

My mother says I've grown rather confrontational over the years.
I was once a very happy, pleasant, agreeable little girl that was very social and had a bright future.
I'm now something of a cynical, conniving kind of young woman, still with a bright future, but a questionable present, I guess.

It's not that I'm more or less happy. I've been very happy, especially since I met my boyfriend back in October, I'm just... cynical, I guess.
It doesn't matter whether the glass is half full or half empty... what matters is what's in the glass. Half a glass of poison is still poison, isn't it?

I dunno. We were discussing the recent school shooting in... Ohio, I think.
I intentionally don't watch the news, because it's depressing and I would rather live in my little bliss bubble of ignorance about how awful the world is, so I was unaware the event even happened.
My mother, and her friend at work, cannot wrap their minds around what would make someone kill another person. "People don't kill people because they're bullied." Uhm... apparently they do. I mean, if you make someone's life miserable enough and degrade them enough... they might snap.

I've had thoughts about it... hurting people... more... but it's a thought I can rationalize my way out of. I exact my revenge in different ways, instead. I'd rather ruin someone's life than take it away from them...

Trying to explain to my mother, who I haven't been truly open with in many year, that I understand the breaking point and that if people were less sh!t to each other it probably wouldn't happen... well... it was awkward to say the least.
In the end, she says I've grown rather confrontational and we went back to work...

I'm glad she doesn't understand, because it means she's less jaded than I am... but it's awful frustrating trying to talk to her sometimes... she may as well live on the moon.

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Back To School

Permanent Linkby SmileXx on Wed Nov 30, 2011 8:37 pm

Holy crap, I have a blog here.
Who knew? Actually I did, but who's keeping track of things I know?

I find college frustrating.
I have a degree in Graphic Design, and I'm decent designer, so long we're not talking about Web Design... I suck at coding... but I'm unable to find a career in it.
I do have a pretty good foothold in an Accounting career, though... and I intend on going back to college for an AAS in Accounting to help further that.

BUT....

Fafsa still recognizes me as a dependent... which is ridiculous. Just because I'm not married or have a kid does NOT mean I'm not an independent. It means I'm smart enough to not be married or with child right now. Does NOT mean I live off my parents. I live alone. So I've had to email off to them to see if I can get that status changed. Mom helped pay for round 1, I'm on my own for all the other times I wanna go back to college.

Colleges are crap at responding to emails you send. They really are. So when I inquire about them, they rarely get back to me... They just don't really seem to care if they have prospective students. It's like they don't NEED my money... Psh...

Still... It's easier this time around. I know what to do, at least.

Le sigh.

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